Surprise package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting
next to him. ”Hello there,” says the man, ”and what is your name?”
”Hello,” giggles the woman, ”I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” ”I’m Jim.” ”Jim,
do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??” ��sure!”
replies Jim, ”Let’s go!”

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on
the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. ”Stacey, I noticed the
picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says. ”Yes? And what about it?” asks
Stacey. ”Is it your brother?” ”No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s
eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband. When he finally asks,
��is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, ”No, silly!” Jim was
relieved. ”Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more while
nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, ”No, silly!!” ”Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacky replies, ��that’s me BEFORE my operation!!”

Spread the love

Computer Mouse

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author
of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the
floor:

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be
larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result
in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any
customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items.

Spread the love

What you learn from Kids

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDRENBy a Weary Father- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.- A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.- Duplos will not.- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.- Super glue is forever.- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.- Ditto Tarzan.- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.- Plastic toys do not like ovens.- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.- It will however make cats dizzy.- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.- Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Spread the love

My daughter’s a good girl!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

Spread the love

Beeping Sound at Red Light

This actually happened!

I live in Edinbourgh, Scotland. I’m on a tour bus showing a
friend around. Behind us is this huge Texan. We knew knew this
because he told everyone very loudly when anyone got on the bus.

The bus stops at a red light and he hears a beeping sound. He
asks what it is and I tell him it’s the sound to let blind
people know when the traffic has stopped. He says, “Oh! In our
country we just don’t let our blind drive!”

Spread the love

She’s a Man

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most
gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman’s
beauty and comments about her to his mates.

“Yeah, she is pretty good.” his mate replies, “Pity she’s a man.”

The man is shocked, “No way!”

“No, it’s true. A friend of mine knows her personally.”

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man.
But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going
to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the “woman” and strikes up a converstaion. They hit
it off really well. And the man is loving it because this woman is even
better looking up close. Before long the man suggests that he drives them
out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the
car. They continue the “clothes on” making out for a while, until the
woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call
of nature.

“This is my chance,” thinks the man, “I’ll follow her and find out what
sex she is.” So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is
seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling
between her legs.

“Damn! She’s got a dick!” he thinks, “She’s a man.” The man is outraged
and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

“Oh my gosh!” The woman cries, “I didn’t know you were following me!”

“And I didn’t know you were taking a shit!” The man replies.

Spread the love