Why I’m tired

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Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on
iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water
pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, yellow wax build-up, and
a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really
worth living.

But now I find out, tain’t that. I’m tired because I’m
overworked.

The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four
million are retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do
the work. Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the
government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million
are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there
reading this. No wonder I’m tired.

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The Top 15 Signs Santa’s Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)

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15> There’s a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.

14> All of this year’s rocking horses are sporting a fifth “leg.”

13> They punch out Santa’s lights before he even gets to the second “ho.”

12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.

11> All the “Sorry!” games have been repackaged as “In Your Face, Loser!” games.

10> Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.

9> Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.

8> Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.

7> Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the “wet baby” dolls.

6> The See ‘n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, “Santa blows,” and the cow goes, “Get lost, kid.”

5> Santa’s elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve?
Nothin’ but “It’s a Small World.”

4> Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: “Elf Eye for the Fat Guy.”

3> Cigarette burns on Barbie’s posterior.

2> The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.

1> This year the kids on the “naughty” list are receiving lumps of koala.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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Kids

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Kids enter the classroom and greet the female teacher. Only Vova walks in
without greetings, and takes his seat silently. The teacher says, “Why do you
behave in such a rude way? Get out and walk in again, and do it as your father
does when he comes home.”
Vova walks out, and in a minute he storms back in, slams the door, and shouts,
“What,dogs didn’t expect me?”

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End of the World Reports

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When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
‘BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

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Parkinson’s Laws: First Law

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Parkinson’s Laws: First Law – Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law – Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law – The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees – The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law – If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law – Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.

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