What do you call a black priest? Holy shit!
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.77. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
Our Justice System
Judge Michael Walker, October 1997 To a 14 yr. old girl defendant in a rape case. If your going to sulk like a baby we are not going to get very farJudge William Crawford, March 1997 I know people with duodenal ulcers who work like niggersJudge Raymond Dean, 1990 (My personal favourite) In a rape trial when a woman says no, she doesnt neserceraly mean itJudge Ian Starforth Hill Of an 8yr old girl who had been sexually assaulted not entirely an angel herselfJudge Michael Addison A defendants crime was not of the more serious type because he knew his victimJudge John Prosser Order �500 compensation to a 15yr old rape victim saying that it should be spent on a good holiday to get over the traumaHis Hounour Major Michael Argyle You come from Derby, my part of the country, off you go and dont come before my court again. (Huh is that Legal???)Judge Harrol Cassel Sentenced a man to 2yrs probation for sexually assaulting his 12yr old stepdaughter because his wifes pregnancy had caused a lack of sexual appetite in the lady and considerable problems for a healthy young husbandJudge Justice Leonard Claimed that the trauma of Ealing Vicarage victim, virgin Jill Saward was not so very greatJudge Arthur Myerson Gave a rapist a 3yr sentence. The defendant had used a condom during the rape which Mr Myerson said showed concern for his victim???Mr Justice Rougier Described a rape victim as over emotional after her former lover raped her. He sentenced the man to 2yrs and said : I dont think it was such a shock to her as it may be to other women.
Length of Sleep
Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Lemon Meringue Pie
Thats a ugly ………damn!!!!!!!!!!1
He tells him to go out there and win one
DOs and DON’ts Don’t call
Dos and don’ts don’t call on behalf of your son or daughter who attends one of
our fine institutions of higher learning. s/he may not know what the hell is
wrong with the gerbil-powered system you bought for college, but you sure as
s*** don’t know what the error messages say. don’t even *try* it.don’t ask the
tech “can you see what’s on my screen?” no, dumbass, we can’t magically
transform your phone into a viewing screen any more than you can use your
computer without screwing it up.do learn the language of the country you reside
in…or play queue roulette!do thank your lucky stars that i can’t reach through
the phone and choke your dumb ass.
If your parents didn’t have children, chances…
Michael Jackson
Skyscraper
There was this guy and he lived on the 52 level of a skyscraper, and
worked on the 3 floor. When he goes to work he uses the elevator, however;
when he come back up to his apartment he uses the elevator to the 36 floor
and then has to walk on the stairs for rest of the way unless there is
somebody else in the elevator.
Why does he need to walk the rest of the way, if there is nobody in the
elevator?
Because he’s a midget and he can’t reach the button for 52 floor.