John’s widow

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John, Arnie and James are all working on some very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, John falls off and is killed instantly.

After the ambulance leaves with John’s body, Arnie and James realize they’ll have to inform his wife.

James says he’s good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it.

After two hours, he returns carrying a six pack of beer.

“So, did you tell her?” Asks Arnie

“Yep.” Replies James.

“Hey, where did you get the six pack?”

“She gave it to me.”

“What?!” Exclaims Arnie. “You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six pack?!”

“Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was John’s widow.

‘Widow?’ She said. ‘No, no..I’m not a widow. You must be mistaken.’

So I said, ‘I’ll bet you a six pack you are!'”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Communicate

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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?”

He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

The girl replies, “I want you to communicate,” and he says to her, “that word is too big. I have no idea what it means.”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

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Cannibals

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,”Vive la France!” and runs himself through.The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and pulls the trigger.The New Yorker says, “gimme the fawkin’ fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!”

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San Pedro llama a un

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San Pedro llama a un �ngel y le dice:

Esta ma�ana tengo que ir a hacer un par de tr�mites a una nube, as� que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.

El �ngel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a qui�n tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:

“Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aqu� tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien d�lares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aqu� tienes mi n�mero de m�vil por si hay alg�n problema”.

San Pedro se va, y pasa la ma�ana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el tel�fono. Es el �ngel:

“Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un t�o que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ‘�Puedo ver un poco?’ Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto dec�a ‘�Hum, qu� interesante!’, y cog�a un billete de cien y marcaba la p�gina; y as� hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. �Qu� tengo que hacer?”

“D�jalo pasar, hijo, que �se es del Opus…”

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Finding a Chinese Jew

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?””I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?””I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.””Are you sure?” Al asked.”I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.””Are you really sure?” Al asked again.”I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.””Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

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Smart ladies

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There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.

A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.

Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the “Black Box” first.

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