Yours Fun Portal !
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
“Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–
(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have
indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the
local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest
house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called
a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster
inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest
if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible
meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to
know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a
bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9
miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of
pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of
holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As
there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the
habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married
in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a
wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly,
has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch
and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute
and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to
go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be
heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all
since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting
you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be
seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, “Get weighed.”So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people’s weight. He looked at Rose and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.”Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose’s weight correctly.Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.”I want to get weighed!” she said again.Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.Rose’s roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.”Wousy!” Rose replied.
A guy walks up to this farmer and asks if he can stay in his barn for the night.
The farmer replies, “Sure you can. I only have four matches though. Also watch out for the four corners of the barn.”
The man replies, “Thanks for the matches and the advice.
The farmer walks him to the barn and tells the man to have a goodnight and he will see him in the morning. The man says, “thanks” and goes in the barn.
He lights the first match and looks in the first corner. He sees a beautiful woman and goes over to the corner. He fucks her and the match goes out.
He lights the second match and looks in the second corner. Much to his surprise he sees an even more beautiful woman than the first. He fucks her and the match goes out.
He lights the third match and it goes out. He lights the last match and looks in the third corner. The woman standing in the third corner is even more beautiful than the other two. He fucks her and the match goes out.
He looks at the fourth corner and decides that the person standing in the corner must be even more beautiful than the other 3 women. He fucks the person in the fourth corner and then goes to bed.
When he wakes up the 3 women are still in their corners. He looks over to the fourth corner and sees a man scraping his tounge off with his fingers.
He now understood why the farmer warned him about the four corners.
One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that
baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . “Whats wrong?” the judge asked baby bear.
“I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!” said baby bear.
“Then, you can live with papa bear” said the judge.
Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, “Whats wrong?” Baby
bear replied, ” I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than
mama bear does.”
“Then who do you want to live with?” asked the judge.
Baby bear replied, “I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don’t
beat anyone!”