what is pink, red and black?
dead baby in a corner.
what is green, brown and black?
same baby ten weeks later.
The Mushroom
Ozman’s Laws: (1) If
BAAAAH!
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer “if I can guess how many sheep in you’re flock will you give me a sheep.”
The farmer says “OK”.
The brunette says “485”.
The farmer says “that’s right but if I can guess you’re natural hair color can I have my sheep back”.
the brunette says “OK”.
The farmer says “blonde”.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
DATE NIGHT
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, “Hi, I’m
Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?”
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing
there says, “Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I
come in?”
The guy, now perplexed, says, “Yes,” and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid
standing there says, “Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to
the show. Can she go?”
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, “Yes.” The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid
standing there says, “Hi, I’m Chuck…�
The father shot him.
The Sins of Leroy
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well
Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy
you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he
ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Your Truly,
Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest, so he tore it up and tried
again.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the
way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt
down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got
up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of
a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it
under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!
Sincerely,
You know who
Yo mama is so fat
Are there Jews in China?
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”
“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Al asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated.
“We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”
A college student
A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for ajob. He goes to K-Mart, and fills out an application. A few days later, themanager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the studentdoes. When the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says “Well sondo you think you have what it takes to work at ‘The Big K’? The studentthinks to himself, “is this guy fucking nuts?”, but nods his head and saysyes. The manager says ok, and tells the student he must get a lesson first onhow to deal with customers. They go to a cash register, and the managertells the student to watch him and learn what to do. The student agrees andafter a few minutes a customer comes to the counter, and throws down a bag ofGrass Seeds. The manager looks at the bag, and says ” Say, would you like alawnmower to cut that grass when it grows?” The customer thinks for a secondand says ” yeah, why the hell not.” The manager looks at the student and say “Son, do u think u can do that?” The student again thinks to himself ” Isthis guy fucking nuts?”, but nods says and says he does. A few minuteslater, another customer comes to the register to get checked out, and the manager tells the student to try it. The student agrees, while the customer throws a pack of tampons up on the counter. The student looks that thetampons and says ” Sir, would u happen to be interested in buying one of our grasscutters, they are on sale in aisle 8?” The customer looks at the student and says “Why the hell would I want to buy a grasscutter?” Thestudent looks at him and says ” well I just figured since u wouldn’t be getting any pussy this weekend, that u might wanna cut your grass instead!”
El esposo llega a la
El esposo llega a la casa con un morado en el cuello que le dej� su amante. Trata de taparse pero la marca es tan grande que su esposa seguramente va a descubrirla. Entonces, va a la cuna del ni�o, lo alza y lo pone cerca de su cuello. En ese momento grita con fuerza:
“�Ni�o malcriado, c�mo me mordi�, mira c�mo me dej� el cuello!”
La esposa le contesta:
“S�, al ni�o le ha dado por morder �ltimamente, mira a m� c�mo me tiene el pecho…”
Getting the Contract
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job.
Three groups responded. A group of Chinese, a group of Italians, and a group of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the manager decided to assign each group to a different part of the line.
The first task was to stand the telegraph poles. The Manager sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Manager. The Manager inquired of him how many poles had been set by his group. He replied 48. The manager was very pleased. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Chinese and the Blondes did.
Next to report was the foreman of the Chinese group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the manager was delighted. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Chinese leader to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Manager. “How many poles did your group set?” He asked. “Two.” Replied the Blonde forewoman. “Two!” Exclaimed the Manager. “The Italians set 48 poles, and the Chinese set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?” He demanded.
“It may be true the Italians and Chinese buried more poles than us.” Replied the Blonde. “But you should see how much of the poles they left sticking out of the ground!”