7 Dwarfs

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The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on
comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

‘Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’

‘No, Dopey,’ responds the Pontiff, ‘there are not.’

‘Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?’ Dopey questions.

‘No, Dopey,’ the Pope chuckles, ‘there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.’

‘Mr. Pope,’ Dopey asks pleadingly, ‘are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world?’

‘No, Dopey,’ the Pope says sadly, ‘there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world.’

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, ‘Dopey
f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.’

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The creation of the pussy

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seven wise men with knowledge so fine
created a pussy to their design
first was a butcher
with smart wit
using a knife he gave it a slit
second was a carpenter
strong and bold
with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole
third was a tailor
tall and thin
by using red velvet he lined it within
fourth was a hunter
short and stout
using fox fur he lined it without
fifth was a fisherman
nasty as hell
he therew in a fish and gave it a smell
fifth was a preacher
whose name was mcgee
he touched it and blessed it
and said it could pee
last was a sailor
a dirty little runt
he sucked it and fucked it
and called it a cunt

by sarah from newcastle

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Looking for Sex

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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too” then I said “but this is a dog” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said “but you don’t understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said “you don’t understand” Sex keeps me awake all night and the clerk replied “me too”.I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that “but you don’t understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V. He called me a Show off.When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your honor I had sex before we were married” The judge said “me too”. Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied “me too”.Last night Sex ran off again I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing wandering around the alley’s at 4:AM”. I replied “I am looking for Sex” My case comes up in court on Friday.

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Plenty of time

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A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and
into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.

when the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended
victim, who angrily tells him of the near miss.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t have time to yell ‘fore,'” says the poor golfer.

“that’s funny, replies the other guy, “because you had plenty of time to yell
‘s***!'”

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You know you’re living in a small town…..

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* when you don’t use turn signals because everybody knows where you’re going.
* neighbors’ kids play in your yard more than your own kids do.
* if you’re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you’re the first baby of the year.
* there is no local news section in the newspaper.
* if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ….. and he wags his tail at you

* if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
* you can’t walk for exercise because everyone offers you a ride.
* when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
* if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
* if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

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Nut house

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

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Aid’s or Alzheimer’s

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A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.” The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?””Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.” “Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?””Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.”Then what?” says the distraught man.”Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”

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