What do a bungee jump and hooker have in common?They’re both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead!
Cat in Eden
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Golf Lessons
A married couple decided to take some golf lessons…
The husband went first. Now the husband was terrible at it! He
couldn’t even hit the ball! So, the golf instructor told him to
imagine tha he was holding onto his wifes breasts. The husband
swung the club…and lo and behold! He actually made a hole in
one!
Now it was the wife’s turn. She was just as bad as her husband.
So, the instructor told her to hold it as if she were holding
her husband’s penis. She swung the club…but the ball didn’t go
anywhere! The instructor tells her, “That’s fine ma’am but you
gotta take the club out of your mouth!”
Origin of Lawyers
Good Excuse
Barking mad
Learn’t from kids
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For
those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN…(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Two Black Eyes
One day Joe walks into the breakroom at his work, and all of his
coworkersask why he has two black eyes.
He says, “I was at church singing in the choir and I looked over
at Mrs. Yunser and she had her skirt tucked into ther panteis.
So I reached over and untucked it.
Well Mr. yunser who was standing right next to me did not like
this to well so he punched me.
Joes friends say that explanes the one black eye but how did you
get the other.
Well when I saw how mad Mr. Yunser got I simple reached back
over and tucked it back in.
How'd You Want T
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, “Do you want them mounted?” Blushing, she said, “No. holding hands will be fine.”
Cybernetic Implants
Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. “Bartender,” he says, “give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey.”
The bartender laughs, “Sure thing, pal, $150.”
He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.
“My God!” said the bartender, “I’ve never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!”
“Well,” said Roger, “I’m actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly.”
“Is that so?” said the bartender.
“Yes,” said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.
“That’s my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream.” Another low humming now. “That’s my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey.” A high pitched whistle came from Roger’s lower torso. “That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean.”
Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.
“Alright, this is a robbery,” he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, “all the money, NOW!” Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Roger’s fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.
The bartender shouts, awestuck, “What the hell was that?”
Roger smiles, “That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful.”
Just a minute
Redneck computer
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Huntin”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.