Two women were knitting away one day. They were both pregnant. the first one said, i hope i have a boy. the other one says, why? and she says, because i`m knitting a blue jumper! The second one says, i hope i have a spastic! the other says, why? and she says, cause i just fucked up the arms!!!
A Blonde Party
Non Flying Fly Parable
One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down I’ll jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up I’ll jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there I’ll jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear he’ll drop that sandwich and I’ll jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, i’ll jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the “Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet”.
A Toad and a Frog
A toad and a frog went to a whorehouse and got laid. Three days later, the toads dick turned a bright yellow, and the frogs dick turned a deep red. They proceeded to walk to the doctors house down the street and found he had left for the week to go on a golfing trip. The frog, frustrated, started to walk home.
The toad decided to find help elsewhere…. thinking it over, the frog turned around and tried to catch-up to the toad. The toad met a wicked witch, and asked her if she could cure the yellow dick syndrome… she told him to go down the road, and follow the signs until he came to the land of OZ… once there, the great and powerful Wizard would cure him. He thanked the witch, and started his journey.
Five minutes later, the frog met the witch and asked her if she would cure his red dick syndrome…she replied.” No I can’t, but the great and powerful Wizard of OZ could. The frog, so happy to hear this asked how to get there.
The witch replied, “follow the yellow dicked toad.”
Did you hear about the experimental line of…
Top 26 Movie Haikus
The Top 15 Movie Quotes Translated to Haiku
26. (from “Field of Dreams”)
Ray, people will come
To see some ghosts play baseball.
They’ll drink six-buck beer.
25. (from “Fight Club”)
Remember Rule One:
We do not talk of Fight Club.
Rule Two: See Rule One.
24. (from “The Godfather II”)
Don’t worry, Fredo,
Blood is thicker than water.
Now get in the boat.
23. (from “Animal House”)
Only one cure for
Double-secret probation…
Cry, “Toga! Toga!”
22. (from “Caddyshack”)
Cute fuzzy rodent
Who’s digging up the golf course,
Come get a surprise.
21. (from “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”)
Hot Terminatrix!
If the next one’s as pretty,
Then I will be back.
20. (from “The Wizard of Oz”)
Still in the Midwest?
Such lush, colorful landscape
Would indicate not.
19. (from “Apocalypse Now”)
Ah! The sweet outdoors!
No scent is more divine than
Napalm in the morn!
18. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Was it six or five?
If your head gets blown clean off
You were not lucky.
17. (from “Gone With The Wind”)
With candor, darling,
The extent of my concern
Is negligible.
16. (from “The Sixth Sense”)
My vision perceives
People no longer alive,
If you catch my drift.
15. (from “Sling Blade”)
I may be ugly
And dumb as an ox, but I
Sure love them taters.
14. (from “Midnight Cowboy”)
Ignorant driver!
Can’t you see me traversing
Here in the crosswalk?!?
13. (from “They Live”)
To chew bubble gum
And kick ass is why I’ve come,
But I have no gum.
12. (from “The Hulk”)
Anger me not, friend.
My appeal declines sharply
Once I am enraged.
11. (from “Silence of the Lambs”)
Chianti I chose.
It goes quite well with people,
The other white meat.
10. (from “Jerry Maguire”)
Please be so kind as
To display for my review
The legal tender.
9. (from “Taxi Driver”)
You talkin’ to me?
Yet again, I beseech thee:
You talkin’ to me?
8. (from “Dirty Harry”)
Point that gun this way!
Go ahead — make my day, punk!
[Blam, blam, blam, blam! Thud.]
7. (from “Deliverance”)
When you bend over,
Please emit shrill cries and shrieks,
As if you were swine.
6. (from “Casablanca”)
Crazy, war-filled world.
The two of us ain’t worth a
Bunch of garbanzos.
5. (from “Gone With the Wind”)
I assure you that
I’m totally untrained in
Obstetrical arts.
4. (from “The Lion King”)
Hail the Lion King,
Though he’s likely to eat you.
Life’s circle’s a bitch.
3. (from “Titanic”)
I won’t let go, Rose,
At least, not because of love.
Now, rigor mortis….
2. (from “2001: A Space Odyssey”)
Electronic dude,
I really wish you would just
OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!
…and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Movie Quote Translated to Haiku…
1. (from “The Empire Strikes Back”)
“Try,” you say to me?
No such thing as “try,” dumbass.
Do it or shut up.
Rewarding jerks
Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”
Lettuce And Tomato
There was an older brother and a younger brother sleeping in the same room. The older brother was on the top bunk and the younger brother was on the bottom bunk.
so one night the older brother brings his girl-friend over and they start doin it. So the guy says “Every time you want me to go harder yell lettuce and tomato” so all night she was saying lettuce and tomato lettuce and tomato. finally the younger brother wakes up and says “Quit makin sandwiches up there your getting mayonaise all over my face”!
Molasses
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole then said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”
There is a family of
There is a family of ducks walking along the road, when all of the sudden
a car swerves and kills all but one baby. Realizing that he doesn’t yet
know what he is, he wanders around looking for some answers. He sees a
family of skunks walking in the same area as his family was, and what do
you know a car killed all but one of the babies too. So the baby duck goes
up to the baby skunk and says “Do you know what I am?”
The skunk says “Well you’re yellow, you have a beak, webbed feet, and
feathers, so you must be a duck. Do you know what I am?”
The duck says “Well youre not quite white, not quite black, you smell like
shit, so you must be a Mexican.”
Yo mamas so stupid….
Sleeping with Mommy
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”