Purpee Jokes

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“Let’s take your car.”
Really means
“Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really mean
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“Good idea.”
Really means
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
Really means
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means
“She’s heard all my stories before and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means
“I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“I got a lot done.”
Really means
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means
“I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”

“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means
“I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means
“Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means
“I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means
“You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
Really means
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“Go ask your mother.”
Really means
“I am incapable of making a decision.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you and got you these roses.”
Really means
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means
“What did you catch me at?”

“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
Really means
“You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”

“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
Really means
“She refused to make my coffee.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means
“Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
Really means
“You may actually get it to start.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”

“I heard you.”
Really means
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
Really means
“It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.”

“I missed you.”
Really means
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means
“No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means
“I like you more than my truck.”

“I recycle.”
Really means
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”

“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”

“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”

“It’s good beer.”
Really means
“It was on sale.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means
“If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”

“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

“I broke up with her.”
Really means
“She dumped me.”