Purpee Jokes

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and hug bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him.She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and have rampant nookie.After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”The bloke says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Sign seen in a small restaurant:

Thanks for visiting.
If you liked the food, send your friends.
Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.

A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.

She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.

This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.

He seemed still more amused.

When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.

She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.

When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.

“Your honor, it was like this,” he said. “When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition.”

“She sat under a sign that read, ‘Gold Dust Twins coming.’ I had to smile to myself”.

“Then she moved under an ad that said, ‘Use Sloan’s Linament to reduce that swelling.'”

“When she placed herself under ‘William’s Stick Did It,’ I couldn’t hold myself.”

“The fourth time she sat below, ‘Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,’ and I laughed out loud!”

“Dismissed,” said the judge.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Q:does a guy in a striaght jacket look harmful that just got out
of prison?

A: yes because thats why he is in the straight jacket.

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..

“Point of information – snow and rain are also ‘acts of God’, but we wear rubbers!”