Heartburn, eh?

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A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray.”

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Baking bread

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Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana.

Instructions:

1 – look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.

2 – Spread well shaped legs slowly.

3 – Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.

4 – Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.

5 – Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!

6 – Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but, “do not lick the bowl.”

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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The Deacon and the Preacher

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There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good
friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the
hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked
into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had
going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and
asked, ”How ya doing?” The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.
”You want that?” the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes.
So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write.
All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to
deliver the service. ”He was a good man and I’ll never forget him,” the
preacher said, ”I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his
last thought in my coat pocket here.” The preacher reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the paper. ”Please, get up! You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose!”

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A bachelor

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A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a
trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any
emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof,
fell off, and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message:
“Your cat died!”
In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip short in grief and in
anger at his friend. He told his friend, “Why didn’t you break the news to me
gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the message
‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written
‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days into his trip, he returns to his hotel and there’s a message waiting
for him from his friend.
The message read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today�.

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Christmas Cards with 2-Year-Old Son

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When you think you have a bad day, remember this one from a
young mother:

“I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included
one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror–wearing
nothing but a camera!”

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There’s a parrot on the plane

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next
to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And
get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for
the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls
“And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking
with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked
you twice for a coffee go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns
to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

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The Irish Genie

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Far out at sea two irish men were stranded
on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.

“I will give you one wish”.the genie bellowed

Without thinking the second man yelled ” I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!”.

“You idiot”,yelled the first man,”Now we will have to pee in the boat”.

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