An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely* determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: “But you’re 95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??”To which the wife replied: “We haven’t been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.”
Like a baby
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it’d be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they’d been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy’s naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked,
‘I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?’
The girl said,
‘You told me it was just like a baby.’
The guy replied,
‘Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.’
Marry for Cash
State Capitals Are:
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her “go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
Funny Feel
Yo mama is so stupid
Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.
He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the lab’s mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.
The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!”
To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
If you can see the
Circumcision…At Yo
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern
BUG – The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE – What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE – Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker
CRASH – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited
DIGITAL – The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer
FAX – What you lie about to the
IRS HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
SCREEN – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT – A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR – Amtrak’s Employee of the year
SCSI – What you call your week-old underwear
Q: How many terrorists
Staten Island
He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. Miss a
ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the
deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided
he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed
on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I
made that one, didn’t I?’
“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two.
The ferry is just about to dock.”