Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
Life’s Achievements!
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is “gettin’ a little” At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is “gettin’ a little” At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
Don’t forget the R
The new teacher at the boys school was Miss Franny and she was disturbed to find that even the headmaster made a mistake and welcomed her as Miss Fanny.
“The name is Franny” she said coldly
“Sorry” said the headmaster who made a mental note not to forget the “r”.
He escorted her to her new class. “Good morning boys,” he said, “I would like to introduce you to Miss Crunt.”
�Qu� es un perro?
�Qu� es un perro?
Los perros pasan todo el d�a tirados en el m�s c�modo mueble que se puedan encontrar en la casa.
Ellos pueden o�r una lata de comida que se abra a media cuadra, pero no pueden o�rte aunque est�s en la misma habitaci�n.
Ellos se ven tontos y tiernos al mismo tiempo.
Ellos hacen ciertos sonidos cuando no est�n felices.
Cuando t� quieres jugar, ellos quieren jugar.
Cuando quieres que te dejen en paz ellos tambi�n quieren jugar.
Ellos dejan sus juguetes donde quiera.
Ellos hacen cosas asquerosas con la boca y despu�s te quieren besar.
Te miran directamente a tu zona p�bica tan pronto te conocen.
Conclusi�n: Los perros son peque�os hombres envueltos en piel.
�Qu� es un gato?
Los gatos hacen los que ellos quieren cuando ellos quieren.
Rara vez te escuchan.
Son totalmente impredecibles.
Cuando quieres jugar quieren que los dejes en paz.
Cuando quieres estar en paz ellos quieren jugar.
Ellos esperan que los atiendas cada vez que ma�llan.
Cambian de humor f�cilmente.
Dejan pelos por donde quiera.
Conclusi�n: Los gatos son peque�as mujeres envueltas en piel.
Politcal Mule
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
Microsoft support
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away.
Then the supervisors check the target and see that there’s not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely.
So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer.
Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger.
When he saw it he shouted back, “I don’t know, it’s working perfectly here, the problem must be yours…”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Missing husband
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
How Many Fingers?
A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.”Are you all right?” he asks.”You’re just a blur,” she says, “So my sight is clearly affected.”Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.”How many fingers have I got up?” he asks her.”Oh shit!” she replies, “I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.”
Promotion
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it’s time to promote one of them, but they’re all so competent he’s not sure which to choose.
So he devises a little test. One day while they’re all at lunch, he places �800 on each of their desks.
The first one returns it to him immediately.
The second one invests in the market and returns �1500 to him the next morning.
The third one pockets the money.
Who got the promotion?
The one with the big boobs!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A quote on marriage
Blonde Licence
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, “License and Registration please.”
“It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this,” she said smiling.
“That’s impossible!” The officer replied, “I’ve never heard of such a license.”
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, “Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.”
She pointed to the bottom of the license, “See? it says so right here: ‘Tear Along The Dotted Line’.”