Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:10) E-Mail flames from some guy named ‘Fluffy.’ 9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8) You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it…and a strange aroma of tuna. 5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of ‘CyberDog.’ 4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2) On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser. 1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Drinking a glass of water.
No problem
Daughter comes to her mother in tears and says:
– since i got married to vasya, he’s never had me…
– oh, no problem. tell him to come to me.
he comes, and the girl’s mother says:
– when you go to bed with my daughter, you know, you have a knob and she has a
hole, just stick it in and the mother nature will help you.
next day the daughter comes back crying:
– what did you tell him, mom? he plugged his nose into my a****** and shouted:
‘mother nature, help me! i’m suffocating!’
Cup of Coffee
There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning.
So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.
While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is “why”. The kid answered, “Grandma always said, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup’!”
Ugly Mama
Cajun Virgin
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, “Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?”
The boy replies, “Daddy I was jus’ gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?”
The father says, “Boy don’ be tellin me you don’ know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..”
The boy says, “Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.”
The father replies, “So what difference dis make?”
To which the son says, “Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain’t good nuff for her own family she shore ain’t good enough for ours!”
Hide and Seek
The Wonder Bra
Error messages for Win2000
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Put it back
Treasure hunters
theres a scotish man a english man and a irish man.They go treasure hunting in a cave and find a multicoloured slide.The scotish man goes down it and he sees gold at the bottom of it so he shouts gold and lands in a pile of gold.The english man goes down and sees silver and shouts silver and lands in a pile of silver. the irish man goes down and he is a real scardy cat so he shouts sh.t aqn lands in a pile of sh.t