Once a servant walked into Lord Hamilton’s room and said, ‘Sir, your wife is
about to give birth. She has contacted an astrologer who predicted that in the
event it’s a boy, she will die. If it’s a girl, the father will die. And in the
event of twins, a servant will die.’
Lord Hamilton covered his knees with a plaid and said, ‘Go back to her and
help with the birth.’
After a while the servant returned and reported, ‘It’s a girl, My Lord.’ And
the servant dropped dead.
A Brunette, Redhead,and a Blonde
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde are talking when the brunette
says,”I was looking through my daughters purse and I found
cigarettes. I didn’t even know that she smoked.” The redhead
then says,”Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I
found a joint. I didn’t even know she did drugs.” Lastly, the
blonde
says,”Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I found
condoms. I didn’t even know that she had a dick!”
Blonds
Smallest Penis
One summer, the company that Andrew worked for transferred him to another city. Andrew was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed.All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis he’d ever seen.”Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?” the doctor asked.”Not at all” Andrew said.”I’ve got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime.””What about at night?” the doctor asked.”Nights are no problem,” Andrew said, “because at night, there are two of us looking for it!”
What’s for lunch
State Penitentiary
Jack, who does not have a criminal record, has just been
convicted of a minor crime. In his court trial, he is sentenced
to 2 years in prison. Since he and his wife cannot afford the
bail price, he has 2 days before he will be taken to the prison.
On his last day he and his wife decide to take a tour of the
prison so he can see what the conditions are like before he is
taken there. Jack is a good looking guy, and while he walks by
the cells all the tatooed inmates stare at him, taunt him, and
sexually harass him because, of course, they cannot get sex
anywhere else.
So he leaves the prison at once. In the car ride home, he says
to his wife, “We have to stop at the tatoo parlor.” “Why, do you
want to get a tatoo so you will fit in?” she asked. “No, I want
to see if they can take one of those needles and sew my asshole
shut!”
Dad won’t say
Ten things that dads probably don’t say too often!10. ‘Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost. Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.’9. ‘You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?’8. ‘I notice that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that.’7. ‘Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.’6. ‘What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?’5. ‘Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.’4. ‘Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.’3. ‘No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and let’s go to the mall.’2. ‘Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.’1. ‘Father’s Day? Don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.’
Fun to do during an exam
All the world is a
You know you’re out of college when…
You know you’re out of college when…
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”
1 acto: sale un caf�
Cocky Gunslinger
It’s 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.
The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, “Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?”
Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, “Son, I don’t usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.”
The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, “You look good. You’re wearing black, you’ve got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what’s more important, son, is: Can you shoot?”
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s right sleeve.
Wyatt said, “That’s good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?”
Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. “How was that?” the boy asked.
Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, “That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn’t do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.”
“What’s that?” the boy asked.
“I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep into the lard.”
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.
Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, “Well son, when Doc Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, he’s going to take those two guns of yours and. . . “
The boy didn’t wait for the rest of the answer.