My dumb cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT.” After thinking for a minute, he said to himself, “Oh, well!” and turned around and drove home.
More Than Murphy�s Law
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren’t.
–Beach’s Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
— Tussman’s Law
If it jams, forces it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowery’s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute
strength and ignorance.
–William’s Law
Machines should work. People should think.
–IBM’s Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where
they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlich’s Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
–Ralph’s Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
— Cannon’s Comment
The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly
side down.
— Law of inevitable consequences.
Puberty Insult
Tickle Me Elmo
Billy Bobs New Job
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”
“Gray Hair”
A glimpse into our future…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Gray Hair”
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, “Don’t worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify.” The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, “Too bad you didn’t drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!”
Ignorance
The Cesium song 04
The Spare Commandments
One day God was cleaning out his kitchen, when he stumbled on three spare
Commandments. He had no use for them, being the conservational type,
decided to find someone who would have a use for them.
God floated down to Egypt, and he said to the Pharoah, “Hello, Pharoah! I
was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I found lying
around my house. I have no need for them.” “Thanks but no thanks,” said
the Pharoah, “we’ve got no need for any Commandments. We’re too busy
building pyramids.”
Frustrated, God floated over to Rome, and he said to the Consul, “Hello,
Consul! I was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I
found lying around my house. I have no need for them.” “No thanks,” said
the Consul, “we’ve got no need for any Commandments. We’re too busy having
orgies.”
On the verge of despair, God floated over to Mt. Sinai to rest. When he
got there, he saw Moses. God decided to ask him. God said, “Hello, Moses!
I was wondering if you needed three spare Commandments that I found lying
around my house. I have no need for them.” “Uh, how much do they cost?”
asked Moses. “They’re for free!” said God.
Moses said, “In that case, I’ll take ten!”
Contagious
A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, “My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious.” The teacher says, “That is very good Joe.” Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was Contagious.” And the teacher says, “Excellent Suzie.” Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, “Yes Johnny,” she says. Johnny says, “The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence.” My Dad says to me, “Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.”
Murphy’s Law of Repeatability…
Teenage Daughters
There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters…The Englishman says ” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.The Scotsman says ” That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”With that the Irishman says ” Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a cock.”