You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Blondes!!
A blonde walks into a shop and says to the owner “can i buy that microwave” the owner replys sorry, we dont seel to blondes.
So the next day she comes back as a red head and says “can i buy that microwave” the owner replys sorry, we dont sell to blondes.
So the next day she comes back as a brunette and says ” can i buy that microwave?”
the owner replys sorry, we dont sell to blondes
she says ” how did you know i was a blonde?
he says” because thats not a microwave, thats a T.V!
Train Inspection
Tom was meeting with a train station inspector. Tom had all his equipment in top shape so the inspector decided to give him a quiz to see if he could trip him up. The inspector began: “What would you do if you saw two trains coming at each other on the same track?”
Tom answered that he would hit the button in his tower to switch one train to another track.
“What if the button didn’t work?” the inspector asked.
“Then I would run down and pull the manual lever.” Tom answered.
“What if that level had been hit by lightning and was broken?”
“Then I would come up here and call the next station and ask them to make the switch.” Tom answered.
“What if the phoneline was busy?” The instructor asked.
Annoyed Tom answered, “Then I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”
Puzzled, the instructor asked why his Uncle Leo.
Tom smiled back and said, “Because his Uncle Leo has never seen a train crash before.”
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving ’round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling � what should I do?” “In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.” The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.”Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.””So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped. “The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”
Two Engineers
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
What do you do when a bondie throws a gernade at you?
Paint
A commuter from New Jersey drives through the Lincoln Tunnel and into Times Square.
At a red light, he is approached by a prostitute, who says, “Listen, honey, it’s been a slow night. I’ll do anything you want for a hundred dollars, as long as you can tell me in three words.”
“Okay,” he replies. “Paint my house.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
All I want for Cristmas…
About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started “Dear Santa…”, he thought “No, I will go to a higher authority”, so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
“Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks..”
“NO NO NO NO I can’t be good for two weeks”, he thought to himself.
So he started all over again…
“Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week.”
“NO NO NO NO I can’t be good for one week”, he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
“Dear Jesus,
I have your mother…if you ever want to see her again…get me a bike for Christmas!”
Voice Command Radio
A young woman purchases her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and is having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. “Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio.
There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.”
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. “Country Music,” she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, “Oldies,” and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing “Blueberry Hill.”
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. “Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!” she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, “Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura.”
A canadian in a Texas bar…
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!
Transportation project
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the
past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black
boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh,
Shit!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the
final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”