“Remember President Clinton? He had to go to London over there to pick up
another quarter of a million dollar speaking fee. And he had to fly commercial
for the first time, and I am thinking ‘Wait a minute? Isn’t that a violation of
his parole?'” �David Letterman
“It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad � getting off the plane. See Clinton,
he thinks that he is on Air Force One, so he gets off the plane and out of force
of habit, he steals the pillows and the earphones and the chairs and the flight
attendant and the landing gear and the cockpit and the lavatory and the
in-flight movie and the flaps and the vertical stabilizers, the reverse
thrusters.” �David Letterman
“Clinton flew to Europe yesterday to give a series of lectures. Hey, wouldn’t
it be great for revenge if while the Clintons were out of town the Bushes snuck
into their house in Chappaqua and stole all the furniture back?” �Jay Leno
Yo mama’s So Fat
Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder
- Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
- You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.
- Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.
- Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
- No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
- Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.
- Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
- Rides in your car with its head out the window.
- She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
- You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
- Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
- Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
- After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
- Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
- Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
- Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
Books
Sell their vacation homes.
Two Clones
Railroad
Frozen state
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”
“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother, it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well, mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE’, so I flew to Alaska.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG
There was a blind man and his seeing eye dog,and they decided to go to a store so they walked to the store and all of a sudden the blind man grabes his dogs by the tail and started swinging him around, and some of the employees saw the old man and started to go ask the old man what he was doing but they decided to tell the manager so they told the manager and the manager goes to the old man and asks him “sir is there something wrong can I be of some assistance”.But the old man says “No were just looking around”.
Dumb One
And you thing you have it bad!
There’s a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.
The celery was like “Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!”
Then the carrot was like “You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!”
Then the dick said “Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!”