yo momma so fat that to get her in the house you have to grease the garage door and hold up a twinkie
Y2KY Jelly
The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.
In the light of this they have now renamed it as: Y2KY Jelly.
Said a spokesman: “The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two.”
Lady fingers
A1 Steak sauce Advert
The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new billboard. It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant. A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1. Originally they had titled the billboard, “What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don’t?”
But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.
Now it reads: “He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?
At the Last Minute
An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, “It’s time! Send for the Minister.”
The dying man said, “The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics.”
“Get the Minister! Get the Minister!” the dying man repeated agitatedly.
“Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind,” the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. “I will call the priest.”
The old man insisted, “If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked.”
So, reluctantly, the son did his father’s bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.
The son said, “Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here.”
The priest rushed over to the old man’s beside and he asked in dismay, “HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?”
The old man looked up and replied, “Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us.”
Constantly complaining about the temperature
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
I’ve suffered enough, when does
Gather at the river
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!”
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”
In a repair shop:…
Handsaw Wank
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.”
The Asylum Loonies..
One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.”Let’s call It $150,” he says.The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?”