Yours Fun Portal !
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”.
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink…”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round’s a shape!
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man’s heart.
The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:
– Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?
And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:
-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?
Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:
I’m so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?
Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?
That’s my wife’s third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
I’m number four…..
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?” Confused, the bartenders says no. “Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He
calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a
drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to
buy those women a drink.”
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge
the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man
approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”
The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”
The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any
good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
The man replies, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussys.”
The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”
I know why you look like a horse, I saw your mom grazing in a field.
You so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
If ugliness were bricks, you’d be the Great Wall of China.
Your boy so ugly, you tried to give him a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
You so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
You so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
You so ugly, they call you Moses, cause everytime you step the water parts.