A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.”But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.””Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.””But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.””Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Blonde Stewerdess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. So upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the
day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew
which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out
of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,”
she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has
a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb'”!!!
Uno de los locos del
Uno de los locos del manicomio sale del ba�o corriendo y gritando desesperado:
“�Ll�venme donde el director que he descubierto mi problema”
Ante tanto alboroto, uno de los m�dicos lo lleva donde el director.
“�Qu� es lo que pasa?”
“Doctor, f�jese que ya s� lo que me pasa y, tal como se lo hab�a dicho, �no estoy loco!”
“A ver, d�game, entonces �qu� es lo tiene?”
El loco, baj�ndose r�pidamente los pantalones, se mete el dedo medio por el ano; lo saca y, sin darle tiempo a nadie de reaccionar, se lo pasa por la nariz al doctor, al mismo tiempo que le grita:
“Ya ve doctor, no estoy loco: �Yo lo que estoy es podrido!”
Buck
Dad is rich
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You’ll try again!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You might be a redneck if…
Una joven pretende entrar a
Una joven pretende entrar a una discoteca, pero el portero la detiene:
“�Aqu� s�lo se puede entrar con disfraz!”
La mujer se va para su casa pensando c�mo disfrazarse. En eso, se le ocurre una idea:
“�Ya est�, me voy desnuda y pintada de blanco! Se acab�, un disfraz.”
Llega a la disco, la dejan entrar y cuando est� all� bailando se le acerca un tipo y le pregunta:
“Oye, t� vienes de fantasma �no?”
La t�a le lanza con una mirada p�cara, levanta una pierna y contesta:
“No, hijo, no. �Vengo de muela picada, de muela picada!”
Small town court scene
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, ”Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, ”Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ”Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, ”Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, ”If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
Campers
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.
I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”
“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Where the men are men
Error writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
HUPDY DUMP {FUNNY}
THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHO WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL WHEN HE WALKED IN THE CLASS THE TEACHER SAID WHY ARE YOU LATE HE SAID I WAS ON TOP OF GIGER HILL AND THEN A 2ND KID WALKED IN AND THE TEACHER SAID AGAIN WHERE WERE YOU YOUNG MAN HE SAID”I WAS ON TOP OF GINGER HILL” THEN THE FINAL KID WALKED IN AND THE TEACHER SAID LET ME GEUSS YOU WERE ON TOP OF GIGER HILL AND HE SAID “YES” THEN A NEW GIRL WALKED IN WITH THE OWNER OF THE SCHOOL AND THE TEACHER ASKED WHAT IS YOUR NAME YOUNG LADY SHE SAID “MY Name is GINGER HILL” SHE LOOKED AT THE BOYS AND GRABBED THERE EARS AND SAID I WILL BE SEEING YOU KIDS AFTER CLASS IS OVER AFTER CLASS WHEN SHE WAS DONE TALKIN TO THEM BOYS WE NEVER SAW THEM 2 BOYS AND THAT ONE YOUNG GIRL AGAIN WONDER WERE THE NEXT BOY IS LATE WILL BE MAYBE CHELSY HILL OR EVEN JUBIC HILL!!