The Parrots

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A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”

One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”

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Horseback Riding

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A blonde had a near death experience when she went horseback
riding the other day. Everything was going fine until the horse
started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to
hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly
get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this
happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the
Walmart manager happened to walk by and unplug the ride.

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Never Lie

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Three wives are boasting to their husbands how they won a lot of money on
horse races:
– Easy! We’ve just added our bra numbers: 4, 3 and 4, bet on horse #11 and
won! Husbands went to the races, too.
– How many times do you love your wife a night?
– Two.
– Three.
– Four.
In the evening they came back home angry and said:
– We bet all our money on horse #9. And we lost!!! First was #3!
Moral: Never lie.

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The gay teacher

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in one of the primary school the teacher was teaching the class. as he was going with his lecture his eyes drops on a very cute boy, unfortunately master was a gay…at the end of the session he stop that cute boy and when all of the class evacuated he takes out his pants and asked the boy to play with his parrot.the little boy was confused and start playing with his penis”which he the teacher was mentioning as a parrot” .unfortunately the teacher dies and the police came over the place,the police asked the little boy what happened to him,the boy very innocently replay as something like this”iwas just playing with his parrot his parrot then spits on me so ihave broke his parrots eggs.

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Robber met animals

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

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Drinking At Work

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Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work
1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

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Old Scottish man

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A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

“Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window.

“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo… ”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

“But ya fuck one sheep . . . “

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Shades of Grey

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One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of
white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked,
“Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

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