Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?Donna: I dunno. How?Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Yard Sale
A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn’t find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out ‘Where is the rake?’ She says ‘What!’ so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says ‘eye left tit behind the bush’.
Yo moma is so old…………..
Blind pilot
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”
OJs Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”
“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”
Beer is good food….
The Night Before Chanukah…
The Night Before Chanukah
‘Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels– Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin’ and tickin’
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k’duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
”Yiddishe kinder,” he cried, ”Kenahorah!”
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I’m here, I’ll leave a few toys.”
”Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.”
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out ”Gevalt!”
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
”Your koshereh meals are simply delish!”
As he went through the door he said ”See y’all later
I’ll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!”
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and ”Bleibtz mir gezint”
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
”Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!”
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
”A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!”