Q. how do you drown a blonde?
A.put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Types of computer viruses
Bumper stickers
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
- I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
- Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
- Keep honking, I’m reloading.
- Hang up and drive.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
- I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
- Sex on television can’t hurt you… unless you fall off.
Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.
Always Good Advice
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession….
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”
“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.
“Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission”
“Do you mean like this??” He touches he arm.
“Yes father.”
“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch”
“But father he also touched my breasts”
“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.
“Yes father.”
“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father, he took off my clothes.”
“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.
“Yes father”.
“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”
“Like this??” He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
“Yes father,” she says sometime later.
“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father, he has AIDS”
“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Fat joke
Yo mama and the Taxi
Mix Up at the Hospit
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. “Oh no!” he moaned, “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!””Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
Q: How many psychiatrists
I’m a patient man
“I’m a patient man. And when I say I’m a patient man, I mean I’m a patient
man. Nothing he [Saddam Hussein] has done has convinced me � I’m confident the
Secretary of Defense � that he is the kind of fellow that is willing to forgo
weapons of mass destruction, is willing to be a peaceful neighbor, that is �
will honor the people � the Iraqi people of all stripes, will � values human
life. He hasn’t convinced me, nor has he convinced my administration.” �George
W. Bush, Crawford, Texas.