The Darwin Awards are out for 2004 …Yes these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year’s nominees in reverse order are:7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2 tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12 long and 3 in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blasts ‘bright’.AND THE WINNER…..1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Q. How many women does it take to change…
Where’s the boat?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Small Penis
Micheal Jackson and Kim Wild
Asphalt
Family is Family – Money is Money
Chad nervously approached his girlfriend’s father and said “Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you.”
“Well, of course, young man!” the proud father replied. “You have my full blessing. My daughter’s happiness is all I want.”
“Blessing, sir?” Chad stammered.
“Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?” Mr. Scott said.
“Uh, no sir, that’s not it.” said Chad. “Actually, my car payment is due, and I’m a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday.”
“Heck no!” yelled Mr. Scott. “I hardly know you.”
Unbiased Journalisism
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off
a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and
twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy.
“Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts
writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.
“Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the
reporter starts again.
“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.
“Then what are you?” the reporter says
“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!”
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Redneck bastard kills family pet”.
Children’s "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”
“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10
“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5
“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it
was just a lawn mower.” Age 11
“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.” Age 13
“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense
of humor.” Age 14
“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” Age 15
“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'” Age
15
“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.” Age 8
“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote.” Age 10
“Home is where the house is.” Age 6
“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.”
Age 15
“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there.” Age 5
“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13
“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.”
Age 6
“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?”
or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?”” Age 15
“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really
needed them, right?” Age 15
“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he
sucks.” Age 15
“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be…until the looting started.” Age 15
You clean your nails with
Nice Peanuts
The prince
It was a hot summer day in west Texas when an elderly old woman and her dog rex found a magic bottle. As she cleaned off the bottle an indian shaman appeared before her. The shaman made his way over to the old woman and said he would give her three blessings from the gods. The old woman couldnt believe this and said for her first wish she wanted to be turned into a beautiful princess who all the men across the globe would lust for. Next she decided that if she was going to be this beautiful her house would have to be worthy of her her presence. so she had the shaman turn her shack into a magical kingdom full of money. Finally she decided she could not live alone anymore as she had for so many years. so she had the shaman turn old rex into a handsome prince who would all long and lust for her. When this happened she jumped for glee and begged for rex to take her on the floor right then and there and as rex took her into his arms he looked deep into her eyes and said:
To bad you cant wish you never had me fixed huh bitch???