History Lessons — 2

“Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.”
“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.”

“The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium.”

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The Snorer

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

‘Nope. I shut him up in no time?”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,” John said. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Failing Math

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes of improving her math grades.

During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies.

The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.

On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math.

She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math — do the nuns punish you?”

The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”

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Two priests and a rabbi

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection
they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on
the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that
what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed
inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and
what god wants, god takes.”

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Harbor ferry

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:
‘Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.’
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
‘I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.’

The blonde nodded ‘Yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, the captain discovered her.

‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked.

‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained, ‘He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.’

‘He sure is, lady,’ said the captain. ‘This is the harbor ferry.’

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Polack With Razor

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he
finally came over to our table and said…”I am Polish and I can
take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued
bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change
the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter…..my friend had to to to the bathroom and the
burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out,
I asked my friend what “What happened in there?”

He said “Well, you saw him follow me into the can…….Well he
pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever
been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!

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Skipping school

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.
“No,” the son replies. “I don’t wanna go to school!”

“You HAVE to go to school,” the mother scolds.
“No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don’t like me, and the lunches are icky.”
“You WILL go to school, young man,” the mother warns.

“Why? Why do I have to go to school today?” the son asks.
The mother is about to lose her patience.
“Because you’re the principal, now get out of bed!”

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