Man: ‘Haven’t we met before?’Woman: ‘Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.’Man: ‘Haven’t I seen you someplace before?Woman: ‘Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.’Man: ‘Is this seat empty?’Woman: ‘Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.’Man: ‘So, wanna go back to my place ?’Woman: ‘Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?’Man: ‘Your place or mine?’Woman: ‘Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.’Man: ‘I’d like to call you. What’s your number?’Woman: ‘It’s in the phone book.’Man: ‘But I don’t know your name.’Woman: ‘That’s in the phone book too.’Man: ‘So what do you do for a living?’Woman: ‘I’m a female impersonator.’Man: ‘What sign were you born under?’Woman: ‘No Parking.’Man: ‘Hey, baby, what’s your sign?’Woman: ‘Do not Enter’Man: ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’Woman: ‘Unfertilized !’Man: ‘Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason’Woman: ‘Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!’Man: ‘I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.’Woman: ‘You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?’Man: ‘I know how to please a woman.’Woman: ‘Then please leave me alone.’Man: ‘I want to give myself to you.’Woman: ‘Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.’Man: ‘I can tell that you want me.’Woman: ‘Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.’Man: ‘If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:Woman: ‘Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.’Man: ‘Your body is like a temple.’Woman: ‘Sorry, there are no services today.’Man: ‘I’d go through anything for you.’Woman: ‘Good! Let’s start with your bank account.’Man: ‘I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: ‘Yes, but would you stay there?’
George W Bush Campaign Spending
During the Republican primaries, George W. Bush spent his campaign money at a
rate of $200,000 a day and broke Bob Dole’s record for most money spent on an
entire presidential campaign. He’s spending money so fast; a national
organization of scorned women has made him an honorary ex-wife.
Brown Wedding Day
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandy’s.
One questions the other two, “listen, it’s our wedding night and I was wondering – how many times are we expected to…um…you know…. do it” The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual 2 pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, “Hold on lads, we can’t discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.”
“No you’re right. What we’ll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that’ll be the amount times we did it” offers another groom. They all decide it’s an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that’s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, “Hello, I’ll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please”. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, “I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast” The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.
The waitress gets to the last groom “I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have…” he takes a deep breath “SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST” he calls for everyone’s benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.
“Seven pieces of toast sir?” queries the waitress. “Why, that’s an awful lot”
“Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.” She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again
“And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?”
George W. Bush with a child
Not the best day.
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…
Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”
Bar joke
Sarah, Jack and the Boss
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah
and Jack. They were both extremely good employees–always
willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he
wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would
have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good
workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He
decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take
a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah
gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets
the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get
something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the
water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m
going to have to lay you or Jack off.” And Sarah says, “Can you
jack off? I have a headache.”
Caught In The Act
Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.
When there’s no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.
Unfortunately some of Rio’s finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for ‘lewd conduct’.
Now Hosni’s not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn’t do.
The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it’s his first offense.
He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni’s wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.
Hosni asks the police officer why he’s getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.
The cop tells him that since it’s a first offense, it’s only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she’s been caught twice before.
Cookies: the Rude, the Ingrate, the Thief
A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shops,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.
He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought…oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude,
Why he didn’t even show any gratitude!
She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at that thieving ingrate.
She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.
If mine are here, she moaned with despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.
At the Amusement Park
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy!” said the girl.
How To Sing The Blues (A Guide)
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. ” I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walk-in’s plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or go sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
Now, don’t you feel enlightened?
Skiing season training
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!