British Gas sends out �2.3 trillion bill (True Story)

Utility British Gas has admitted sending one of its customers a bill for �2,320,333,681,613.
Brian Law of Fartown, Huddersfield, received the bill last month as a final demand after failing to pay an earlier bill of �59.

The sum of �2.3 trillion was apparently due for electricity supplied to Mr Law’s new home in Fartown.

And the letter from British Gas threatened to take him to court unless he paid the amount in full.

Mr Law, who runs an exhibition company called Prodis Play in Leeds, had delayed paying the original bill last year because he was away on business.

According to the local newspaper, the Yorkshire Post, Mr Law attempted to call British Gas to resolve the matter but with little result.

“After two hours, I did get through to somebody, and said I had received this bill,” Mr Law told the newspaper.

“I started reading the figure out and the girl I was speaking to said there must have been a mistake.

“Eventually, I talked to a chap who promised to sort things out and he asked me to fax the bill through.

“I did that and rang again on the Wednesday, but this gent wasn’t in and neither was his manager. I kept leaving all my phone numbers but nobody rang back.”

Eventually, Mr Law decided that he would only be able to resolve the matter by going to court and offering to pay a penny a week.

However, after enquiries by the press, British Gas responded, saying it was a “simple, clerical mistake”.

The figure on the final demand was in fact the meter reference for Mr Law’s property.

The clerical error meant that the reference ended up in the bill’s total box, said a spokesman for the company in Leeds.

The company said it had “a very amiable conversation” with Mr Law about the mix-up, adding: “he seemed to see the funny side”.

Mr Law will now be setting up a direct debit arrangement to pay his future bills.

“There is certainly no question of us taking him to court or cutting off his supply,” the company added.

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False Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.”Try these,” he said.The speaker tried them.”Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.”I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

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Dog Bites

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing
and so eager to please that he decided to “work late” and to
take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her
he would be late and she replied, “No problem.”

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy
restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with
her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when
the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary’s home, they did the wild thing for over two hours.
When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up
and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed
that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he
was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But
he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was
getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and
scratching at the door. He thought, “Aha! I got an idea.” He
entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off
the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and
exclaimed, “Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!”

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said,
“That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!”

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Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

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Brave

General Randolf was in charge of the Air Force, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.

Randolf arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.

They both walk around the place, and Randolf asks, “So how are your men?”

Marshall replies, “Very well-trained, General Randolf.”

“I hope so,” responds Randolf. “You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.”

“Well, my men are very brave, too,” said General Marshall.

“I’d like to see that,” replied General Randolf.

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says, “Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

The private replied, “Are you fucking crazy? It’d kill me, you asshole! I’m out of here!”

As private Cooper ran away, General Marshall turned to a bewildered General Randolf and said, “You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Yo momma so fat or ugly

by:patrick Osullivan
yo momma so fat,
– she went to the theatre and sat next to everybody
-she jumped in the air and got stuck
-when she gets on a scale it says k.o.
-shes afraid to take her shirt off in the shower
-when she goes on a rollercoaster everyone says, “1 person to a seat”
-she weighed a plane down
-she stopped the train
-it takes 10 porter potties just to hold one of her turds
-when she dresses in white everyone says,”look its the stay puff marshmallow man”

yo momma so ugly,
-you and her look like twins
-when you were breast fed you turned away
-your friends run away saying frakenstein is back
-that when she went out on haloween to go to the store she won best costume
-if she came in a fight with a razor she would look better than before
-she takes laxitives as beauty pills

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