The Top 16 Secrets of George W. Bush’s Sex Life

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16> Junior’s junior? Not so junior!

15> Can’t “punch the ballot” without help from the Supreme Court.

14> Insists that Laura wear a big yellow hat when they make love, so he can indulge his “Curious” George fantasies.

13> He’s never actually found Laura’s G-spot, but he’s got a team working on it.

12> Knows the proper ratio of BBQ sauce, beer, and crude oil to get just the right lubrication.

11> Actually looks better in Laura’s clothing then she does.

10> Let’s just say he’d would like to change some personal “emissions standards.”

9> The key to wooing women: Make them think you’re a “Compassionate Casanova.”

8> Just like in Florida, he “wins” by punching the wrong hole.

7> Can’t get the job done unless Cheney’s hiding under the bed whispering instructions.

6> “Hey, Laura! It’s ‘lethal injection’ time!”

5> That Justice Thomas is into some *truly* weird shit!

4> Imagines the First Lady is pristine Alaskan wilderness — then drills her.

3> Let’s just say the White House has seen no wood since Al Gore left.

2> Tends to strike a gusher before the well’s been completely drilled, if you catch my drift.

1> Smouldering felon is one hell of an aphrodisiac!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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Animal Husbandry

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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”

He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”

He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can’t tell.”

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My husband and I

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My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one
evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy’s room. Rushing
to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a
penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his
mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in
his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a
flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded
cheerfully, “Do it again, Dad!”

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New account

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Man walks up to bank teller and says”I wanna open a damn savings account” Teller says “thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity”,to which the man replys,”just let me have a goddamn savings accout.” “Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss.” “FINE,says the man,get the son of a bitch.”The tellers boss comes over and says,”what seems to be the problem?” The man says,”I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account.” and the boss says,”And this Bitch wont help you?”

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Clone

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A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades — he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data — his pictures, his charts, his graphs — to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he’d been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone’s shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist’s parentage, his sister, his mother….

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

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10 Fun Things To Do At a Nursing Home

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1.Throw a suprise party for a man turning 90.
2.Feed them pepperoni pizza abd soda at lunch.
3.Start an orge at 8:00 at night.
4.Make them watch Temtaion Island.
5.Give them all Gameboys.
6.Put Huge Hefner in there den.
7.Put Comedy Central in there television.
8.Get Chris Rock to do comunity service.
9.Tell the men to double there viagra dose.
10.Play hardcore gangster rap music while they are sleeping.

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Buried at Sea

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This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside.”Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I’d like to be buried at sea.” So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, “Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven’t yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea.”

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Un d�a cualquiera se mueren

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Un d�a cualquiera se mueren tres amigos en un accidente automovilistico. Los tres llegan al cielo al mismo tiempo, ante San Pedro, y �ste les dice:

“Aqu� en el cielo todos andan en veh�culos y la calidad del veh�culo a conducir depende de qu� tan bueno hayan sido en la vida.” En eso, se�alando al primer hombre, le dice:

“T�, Jorge, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 20 mujeres, andar�s toda la eternidad con un inc�modo auto compacto en mal estado, despintado y lleno de abolladuras.”

Al segundo hombre le dice:

“T�, Ramiro, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 5 mujeres andar�s en un Toyota 89, en buen estado, pero con ciertas fallas.”

Y al tercero le dice:

“Y t�, Marvin, por nunca haber traicionado a tu esposa andar�s en una Limosina de lujo, equipada con toda la tecnolog�a de punta que pueda llevar un auto, chofer privado, tel�fono, etc.

Los tres hombres se van con sus autos a andar por las calles celestiales atestadas de todo tipo de medios de transporte. Un d�a, despu�s de cuatro meses, por coincidencia los tres amigos se encuentran en un sem�foro. El que llevaba la Limosina estaba llorando amargamente. Los otros dos, extra�ados, le preguntan: “�Por qu� lloras si andas en el mejor auto del cielo y vives muy c�modamente?” A lo que �l responde:

“Es que acabo de ver a mi esposa en patineta.”

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