What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?Answer: A lick-A-lotta-puss.
Man?
13 Things To Do At Walmart
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts
when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
“I think we have a code 3 in houseware,” and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M’s on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people leave me alone.”
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
‘Mission Impossible.’
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!”
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”
Write in C (Let it Be)
A Beatle’s Computer Parody Write in C (”Let it Be”) ———- When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: ”Write in C.” As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: ”Write in C.” Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO’s dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC’s not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won’t quite cut it. Write in C.
OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE
OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?
Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The “Continuous Improvement Team” was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Team’s management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder.
“We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.”
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to “cut costs, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a “Superior Performance” award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The Preacher and the Taxi Driver.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!”
Dirty Tattoo…
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, and asks for a turkey on her right inner thigh and a Christmas Tree on my left inner thigh. The tattoo guy looks at her and says, “If you don’t mind me asking, why do you want those tattoos in those spots?” The woman looks at him and replies, “My husband is always complaining he has nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”
Look Daddy
While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous
crayon drawings she’d made that day.
After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I
had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, “You look, Daddy, I’ll watch the road for you.”
Birds
Twas the Night Before Crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There’s a special report,
And it’s pre-empting M*A*S*H!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil’ troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy ‘do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she’d just kept her mouth shut,
We’d not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o’ spiders,
With pundits galore,
And “White House insiders.
You ask, “Who would care
About Bill and his penis?”
Republican Ken Starr,
And he’s armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
“Here’s one for you!
And for you! And you, too!”
“Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let’s subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!”
“We want you to tell us
About Bill’s private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
‘cept, of course, his wife.”
And many months later,
After long we’ve all suffered,
Let’s examine more closely
Just what Starr’s uncovered.
We’ve learned “Little Bill”
Has a mind of his own,
And – horror of horrors –
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don’t care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
The economy’s great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public’s grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To “E.R.”, and to “Friends.”
Now Monica, Linda —
And Ken Starr, you suck –
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
Gone Fishing
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.”
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”
Entertaining the Troops
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this HOT dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”
She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand ?!”