A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she
comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs
the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging
and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde
responds to the husband, “shut up … you’re next!”
Nursery Rhyme
The Top 16 Surprises in the Super Bowl Halftime Show
16> Tom Brady ripping off his jersey to reveal Patriot-logo pasties.
15> Newborns apparently aren’t the only things Jackson family members like to dangle in front of large audiences.
14> Counting Kid Rock and Justin Timberlake, there were actually THREE boobs exposed.
13> Nelly’s tearful admission that his constant crotch-grabbing is an unfortunate consequence of genital herpes.
12> Not to be upstaged by Janet Jackson’s missing costume, P. Diddy performed without any talent.
11> Live footage from the Panthers’ locker room of Howard Dean’s rabid halftime speech.
10> Teenaged boys the world over spent the entire third quarter in the bathroom.
9> Janet Jackson was convinced that if the world saw her exposed breast, there would be six more weeks of winter.
8> Justin Timberlake being immediately awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for alerting security to the presence of a ninja assassin who could have taken out half the crowd with her concealed throwing star.
7> With a chance to put it away, Justin Timberlake decided not to go for two.
6> Kid Rock’s neck is actually more of a rusty cinnamon hue.
5> That was actually Michael’s nose covering Janet’s nipple.
4> P. Diddy being introduced as “His P’ness.”
3> That streaker? A hopelessly lost Richard Hatch.
2> John Ashcroft frantically rushing around draping curtains over 90 million TV sets.
1> Move over, Britney! America has a new First Skank!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Is she feeling any better?
Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca,
Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca, preocupado por �sta, le pregunta:
“Querida Rebeca, �tienes alg�n pretendiente?”
“S� pap�, �tengo tres!”
El padre decide someter a prueba a cada uno de ellos: Abraham, Isaac y Samuel.
Don Jacobo le entrega a Abraham un huevo; a Isaac una naranja y a Samuel un chorizo, y les dice que a la semana deben volver y contarle que hizo cada uno con lo que se llev�.
A la semana llega Abraham y Don Jacobo le pregunta:
“�Qu� hizo con el huevo, Abraham?”
“Bueno… al huevo le romp� la c�scara, la tir� a la basura, me prepar� un huevo frito y me lo com�”.
“�No, mal, mal! Usted desperdici� la c�scara de huevo que picadita, picadita, es comida para p�jaros. No merece casarse con Rebeca. �V�yase!”
Luego llega Isaac y le dice a Don Jacobo:
“Bueno… yo pel� la naranja, me la com� y tir� la c�scara y las semillas”.
El padre de Rebeca enfurecido le dice: “�No, no y no! �Mal, muy mal! La c�scara de naranja es alimento de gallinas. Las semillas se plantan y as� alg�n d�a podr� tener naranjas. T� tampoco mereces la mano de Rebeca. �Vete!”
Finalmente llega Samuel y Don Jacobo, ya indignado, le pregunta: “Bueno… y t�, Samuel, �qu� hiciste con el chorizo?”
“Bueno, Don Jacobo… yo al chorizo le saqu� el hilo y me cos� un bot�n de la camisa; despu�s lo pel� y me com� lo de adentro; con el cuerito me hice un cond�n y me tir� a su hija, y aqu� tiene la leche para el gatito”.
How do you catch a polar bear?
Yodad
Playing Golf
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.
The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!?”
Marksmen
Parson Smith paid a visit to the Baldwin home. while he was there, he noticed targets everywhere he looked. On the barn, on the trees, on the well, and on the scarecrow. Incredibly, each one of the targets had a bullet hole right in the centre.”Wow!” exclaimed the parson, “who’s the marksman around here?” “I am”, said nine year old Billy Baldwin.”That’s Amazing, gushed the parson.”How can anyone be so perfect?””Oh, that’s easy.” said Billy, “I just drew circles around the bullet holes later.”
Dust in the Underwear
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the ???” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She shot back: “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
Making Puppies
A MOTHER AND HER FIVE YEAR OLD SON ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM DAYCARE WHEN THE CHILD SEES TWO DOGS IN A FIELD SCREWING. PUZZLED, THE CHILD ASKS THE MOM WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE MOM NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER SAYS THEY ARE BUSY MAKING PUPPIES.
LATER THAT EVENING WHEN EVERYONE IS IN BED MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE YOUNG BOY WALKS IN.
DADDY, HE SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL SON HE SAID, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE DECIDED ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
THE BOY STARTS CRYING AND SAYS, NO DADDY, TURN MOMMY OVER, I’D RATHER HAVE A PUPPY!
What kind of honeymoon?
There was a man and a woman that just got married. And the
wife asked ” We have to have a honeymoon.” Then
The husband said “When?” Then the wife said ” I am busy on all
the days of the week, exept for Friday; lets do
it on Friday!” “No! I go fishing with my freinds on Friday, OK,
wether
you #1: We have the honeymoon fishing with my freinds,
#2: You suck my Dick or #3: I fuck you in the ass. Then the
wife thought about it and chose #2. So she gets into
the postion and then said ” Eeeeewwww! Why does your Dick smell
so bad?” Then the husband said ” A dog chose
#3.”