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A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says “Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?”
The man replied, “Don’t ask me lady. I’m just a painter!”
Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church in America last week
announced the publication of a new hymnal. “This is truly a
hymnal for the new century,” said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm.
“This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our
tradition,” Bishop Armm explained. “At the core of our belief is
the motto, ‘Moderation in all things,’ and that applies to our
faith life as well. We just don’t like to get carried away.”
When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church
attract new members, Bishop Armm replied, “Yeah, sure. You
Betcha! People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with
too much talk about things like commitment and dedication.
They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off
at will. Our church seeks to pander–uh…I mean–meet that
need. This hymnal will help with that, I think.”
Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla (“Presh”) S.
Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in
choosing hymns. “Many of the old favorites just won’t cut it
among Laodiceans,” said Moment. “We had to change a lot of the
wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate
some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding
Laodiceans interested in writing new music. Oh, well!”
The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very
carefully, explained Moment. “We didn’t want to turn anybody off
with threatening words that no one understands any more like
‘Worship’ or ‘Hymn.'”
Here is a partial list of titles included in the new Laodicean
hymnal:
I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I like Jesus
He’s Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reservists
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just as I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking in
Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name!
When Peace, like a Trickle
I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere near Me
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
Be Thou My Hobby
Spirit of God, Decend upon Their Hearts
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
“That’s strange,” said the fox. “Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree.”
“Listen, bud,” replied the boy squirrel. “Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?”
Little Johnny was just being potty trained, and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants.
2. Pull pants down.
3. Pull foreskin back.
4. Pee.
5. Push foreskin forward.
6. Pull pants up and button.
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny
saying, “1,2,3,4,5,6” and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5…
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Texas State Troopers
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks
him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll
have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the
trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say,
‘I
wish that SOB would’ve tried that shit with me.'”
As the huge jumbo jet neared the airport, the captain’s voice came over the loud speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently experiencing technical difficulty with the # 4 engine, which will delay our landing, by about a half an hour”.
A mechanically inept executive traveller turns to his heighbor and says, ” I hope they don’t have a problem with the other three engines, I’m far too busy to be up here all day…!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis