HONORABLE MENTIONS:My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.Home is where the house is.Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: “A truck!”If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words “dot com” to the end of everything you say, dot com.I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.THIRD RUNNER UPI don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.SECOND RUNNER UPI once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.FIRST RUNNER UPI gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.WINNERIf we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Why is it good to ha
That’s not fair
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.
“That’s not fair,” he complained. “I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman.”
“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question her punishment?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Words with ion
Q. What’s the difference between white fairy…
SUPER BOWL MADNESS
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he
had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about
the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more
people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the
advertising manager.
The farmer said, “I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super
Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of
all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . .”
The sales manager said, “Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able
to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?”
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, “I’d be
willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks.”
“$300?” the manager yelled, “You must be out of your mind!!! The current
sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For
example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!”
The farmer very evenly replied, “I’m sure that’s right. But those people are
out for blood. I’m just farting around.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Felix!Felix who?Felix my
Irish RAF
Target
This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.
When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and�bang!�knocks him clean off the barstool and onto the floor.
The big guy says, �That was a karate chop from Korea.�
The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden�bang!�the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, �That was a judo chop from Japan.�
Deciding he�s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.
He�s gone for an hour before he returns and�crash!�he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, �When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron�from Target.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Cows
Aunt
A man is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,”he thinks.
“Perhaps I�ll get to see him in person.”
Amazingly, the pope sits down next to him for the flight, but the man is too shy to speak to the pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the pope begins a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” the man thinks. “Maybe he�ll ask me for help.”
Almost immediately, the pope turns to the man and says, “Do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman ending in �unt�?”
Only one word leaps to mind. “Oh, gosh,” the man thinks. “I can�t tell the pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for a while, then it hits him.
Turning to the pope, he says, “I think the word you�re looking for is �aunt.�”
“Of course,” says the pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazling
Sick Coffin
A funeral procession was winding it’s way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.
The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster.
Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.
Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.
The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said..
“You got anything to stop this coffin?”