Next time a friend ask for help, tell him to go to www.canuhelpme.us
Knock Knock 149
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Plums!
Plums who?
Plums me that we’ll always be friends!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Police!
Police who?
Police open up the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Prussia!
Prussia who?
Prussia cooker!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Punch!
Punch who?
Not me – I just got here!
Smart politicians
Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell ” Well Kjell, I don’t know what you think of
the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Kjell Magne.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special tests before
they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Madeleine Albright over and
says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Ah, that’s simple Mr. President”, says Madeleine, “it is me!”
“Well done Madeleine,” says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik are very
impressed.
Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the
intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says:
“Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not
your brother and is not your sister?”
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a
bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?”
“Of course,” says Bondevik, “you’ve got 24 hours.”
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but
no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried – still no answer
and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says “I’ll ask Gudmund Restad,
he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.” He calls Restad.
“Gudmund,” he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Gudmund, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
“Kjell Magne”, says Lars, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad”.
“No you idiot”, says Bondevik, “it’s Madeleine Albright”.
Sex in a fence
will young kylie manougue and robbie williams cummin home from the pub and kylie trips over and gets her hed stuck in a fence so naturally robbie pulls up her skirt and starts fucking her
He then says cummon will its ure turn
willstarts crying and tears fall to the ground
will why r u crying
will replies i cant fit my head through the fence.
Er… Scottie?
Back seat
There was Jenny and Bill at a hot make out spot gettin there kissy kissy on. Bill asked Jenny, “Ya wanna get in the back?”. Jenny replies, “No!”.They go a little farther and Jenny’s shirt came off. Again Bill asks, “Ya wanna get in the back?”. “NO!!!!!” , replies Jenny. A few minutes later, Bill puts his hand up Jenny’s skirt. Again he asks, “Are ya sure ya don’t wanna get in the back?”. “NO!!!!!!”, replies Jenny. “Dammit!!!”, says Bill, “Why don’t ya wanna get in the back?”.Jenny quickly replies, “Cause I wanna stay here with you!”.
Dead bird
Q. What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
Here Moosey Moosey.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I’d brace myself!”
The Laws of Work…
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Airlines running operating systems
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Walking Stick
A man his wife and seven children had been out shopping and were
planning to get a bus home. While waiting for the bus an blind
old man with a walking stick joined them. When the bus arrived
the bus driver told them there was only room for Eight more. So
the man tells his wife to take the children on and he’ll walk
the blind man home. On the way home the blind man kept tapping
his walking stick on the ground and the man said “Could you not
get a piece of rubber for the end of your stick.” The blind man
replied, “if you had of put a piece of rubber on the end of your
own stick we could have got on the bus.”