u dumb bitch!
Getting the Recipe
Here is a story about a famous food critic’s recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the “Fish Friar.”
The brother repiled, “Nope, I’m the Chip Monk!”
St Peter and the Three Nuns
Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was
there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a
different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.
St. Peter asked the first nun, “Nun, Who was the first man on earth?” She
replied, “That would be Adam.” St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, “Nun, Who was the
first woman on earth?” She replied, “That would be Eve.” St. Peter let her
through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, “What was the last
thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?”
The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.
“HHHHMMMM,” she said aloud, “Thats a hard one.”
St. Peter let her through the gates.
Tired and Overworked
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I’m tired because I’m overworked!
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes…
Knock! Knock!
Press Any Key
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 2000 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
10.
Amendment 6
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
– The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue jud�o:
1 – Trabajo en el negocio de su padre.
2 – Vivi� en casa hasta los 33 a�os.
3 – Estaba seguro de que su madre era virgen y su madre estaba segura de que �l era Dios.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue irland�s:
1 – Nunca se cas�.
2 – Nunca mantuvo un trabajo estable.
3 – Su �ltimo deseo fue un trago.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue puertorrique�o:
1 – Su primer nombre era Jes�s.
2 – Siempre tuvo problemas con la ley.
3 – Su madre no sab�a qui�n era su padre.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue italiano:
1 – Hablaba moviendo las manos.
2 – Tomaba vino con todas las comidas.
3 – Trabajaba en negocios de edificaciones.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue negro:
1 – Llamaba a todo el mundo ‘hermano’.
2 – No ten�a domicilio permanente.
3 – Nadie lo contrataba.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue californiano:
1 – Nunca se cortaba el pelo.
2 – Caminaba descalzo.
3 – Invent� una nueva religi�n.
Tres pruebas de que Jes�s fue argentino:
1 – Lo recibieron con palmas pero a los tres d�as ya lo quer�an crucificar.
2 – Hablaba con par�bolas muy claras porque cre�a que los dem�s, excepto �l, eran todos boludos.
3 – Estaba convencido de ser el hijo de Dios.
Sister Mathematical & Sister Logical
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!
Eran dos gordas gemelas id�nticas
Eran dos gordas gemelas id�nticas en lo f�sico, lo �nico que las diferenciaba era el car�cter que pose�a cada una de ellas, ya que una era una santa y la otra s�lo se dedicaba a joder.
La gemela m�s santita era maestra y fue a dar sus clases temprano en la ma�ana, mientras su hermana la loca y un poco cafre solo disfrutaba de la vida… esa misma tarde cuando la gemela santita llega de la escuela a su casa, un viejo calvo se encontraba sentado enfrente de la puerta de su casa, y el calvo al verla le comenta:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA”.
La pobre gemela santita, termin� completamente aturdida, sin palabras que decir, y entr� a su hogar como si nada hubiese pasado. Al d�a siguiente la santita hace la misma rutina del d�a, va a la escuela a dar clases y cuando regresa a la casa el calvo esta nuevamente sentado en frente de la puerta de su casa, y el le dice:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA”.
Ella sali� corriendo a buscar a su hermana que siempre se la pasaba disfrutando de la vida y le comenta lo que el calvo le dice cada vez que ella llega a la casa, la hermana loca decide intercambiar su puesto con la santita y le dice: “Hermana tenemos la dicha de que somos gemelas id�nticas, yo me har� pasar por ti y tu simplemente quedate en la casa, vamos a ver si ese viejo cabr�n me dir� algo a mi”…
Y as� fue la hermana loca esta ves fue ella quien dio las clases en la escuela y cuando llega a la casa esa misma tarde, el viejo calvo se encuentra tirado en la puerta de la casa y le dice:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALAR�A UNA CASQUETA”.
Y ella le responde:
“CALVO, CALVITO, HIJO DE PUTA, CON ESTOS PELOS DE MI CRICA YO TE HAR�A UNA PELUCA”.
Country Politics
A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the
bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole
and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw
the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordly, were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how
them crooked politicians lie.”