On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
Clinton favorite place
Q: How many university
Seceding from Canada
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?””What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
The Deaf Accountant
There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf
and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by
stealing from the books.
The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hit men to his house.
Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother
said.
Hitman 1: Where is the money?
Accountant signs he does not know.
Brother: He said he does not know.
Hitman 2: Tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn
down your house, and castrate you!
Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden
in the floor board of his closet and gives the combination.
Hitman 1: What did he say?
Brother: You ain’t got the guts to do it!
Speeding granny
Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding
through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies
would say “Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers
liscense.” Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper
or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her “Slow down”
With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came
squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no
pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing “Oh no, not the breathalizer
again!”
$2000 cash prize
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign
that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for Details.”
Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the
bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.
“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about
walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.
“What are the three things?”
“Well�, the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound
bouncer and knock him out…”
“After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pit bull in the backroom who needs a
tooth pulled…”
“Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives
upstairs.”
“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal
your shoelace is untied.”
When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single,
solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pit bull is housed.
The bartender can hear tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like
the pit bull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up
and breathing heavily.
“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??”
I Wish
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
“For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to twins.”
Frankfurter
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. “Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she’d take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.””She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.” “She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.””And then?” said the doctor. “Aw hell,” the patient explained.”That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove.”
“Dancing’s never been one of my strong points….
Dilbert Reviews Star Wars: Episode I
Hello, readers, of course, it is I, Dilbert. The one and only. And I have
a review of a movie for you, which technically isn’t a movie to me, since
I found 6,765 technical errors, and the maximum to qualify as a movie is
6,764.
All right, let’s talk about this “movie.”
It was called SWEP1TPM. I am now speaking in the Engineer code.
The movie wasn’t GAA. I found many TEs. I could easily tell that the SEs
were F. How can anyone like this movie? The plot was OK, but the plot
doesn’t matter in a movie. It’s all about the LATC.
DYUWIS?
I give this M 0 Ss.
(there was a lot more in, but we cut 99.99754% out because it would C your
COM)
Translations:
SEWP1TPM = Star Wars: Episode 1, The Phantom Menace
GAA: Good At All
TE: Technical Error
SE: Special Effect
DYUWIS: Do you understand what I’m saying?
M = Movie
S = Star
C = crash
COM = computer
(original size was = 3.7MB)