Yours Fun Portal !
A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together — he’d been overpaid by $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
Juan y Mar�a han sido novios desde la secundaria pero nunca han hecho el amor.
“Tenemos que esperar a que nos casemos,” sugiere la chica.
As� que �l espera. Tienen 3 a�os de compromiso y, finalmente, el gran d�a llega. Pero, en la noche de bodas Mar�a sale del ba�o y le informa:
“Malas noticias: tengo la menstruaci�n y no quiero que nuestra primera vez est� manchada de sangre”.
“Est�s bromeando”, dice Juan esperanzado.
“Tendremos que esperar un poco m�s”.
Y Mar�a se va a dormir. Se despierta a las 3 de la madrugada para beber algo; de regreso a la cama advierte que Juan est� con los ojos totalmente abiertos mirando al techo.
“Eso no sirve de nada, Juan, es mejor que te duermas”.
“Lo har�a, pero mi pene est� tan erecto que no queda piel suficiente para que pueda cerrar los ojos”.
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, “NOOO..!” “What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?””No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.”
An Optometrist was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, – “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The man read the 20/20 line perfectly. – “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. – “Now both,” The Optometrist requested. There was silence. The man couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. The Optometrist turned and discovered that the man had done exactly what he’d been asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.”Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?””Well,” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Four – One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
You Know You’re in New York City When…
1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, “Ack. More damned aliens.”
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising “Free green cards, no questions asked.”
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen’s car in front of you reads, “Warning: I break for pedestrians.”