The Morals

Posted on by admin

Imagine a farm. On the farm there live a chick and a horse. One day the horse gets stuck in a swamp at the bottom of a field so it says:

“Help Chick pull me out!”

The chick obliges and gets it’s Harley Davidson to help pull horse out and all is well.

Two weeks later chick gets stuck in the same swamp and shouts for horse to help.

Horse comes to the rescue and straddles the swamp saying “Grab on!”. Sure enough he pulls chick safely out of the swamp.

And the moral of the story is:

If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a bike to pull chicks!

Spread the love

Andy Rooney on…

Posted on by admin

Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on cripes.

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney on Grandmas.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are,too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP “Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”

Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

Spread the love

Yo Mama So Dumb,Fat And Poor!!!

Posted on by admin

Yo Mama so dumb, she fell over the cordless phone!

Yo Mama so dumb, she tried to drown a fish!

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put the M’n’Ms in alphabetical
order!

Yo Mama so fat, her belly button’s got an echoe!

Yo Mama so fat, her belt size is ‘equator’!

Yo mama so fat, I kicked her at the rugby post, and I lost site
of ’em!

Yo mama so fat, I looked at her and my face got stuck!

Yo mama so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon, and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat, compared to her ass crack, the Grand Canyon is a
ditch!

Yo mama so fat, whenever she bends over we loose an hour of
sunlight!

Yo mama so fat, to get a belt on, she has to use a boomerang!

Yo mama so poor, she wrestles squirrels for peanuts!

Yo mama so poor, her house is so dusty, the dustmites ride
around on dune buggy’s!

Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow,whenever she smiles, the traffic
slows down!

Spread the love

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman

Posted on by admin

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking
it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer
and then started yelling: “AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”

Spread the love

How To Tell Republicans From Democrats

Posted on by admin

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs. Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don’t. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

Spread the love

Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ

Posted on by admin

:Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: ———————————————————–10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don’t apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Spread the love

Clever Teacher

Posted on by admin

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.”Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Spread the love