French happiness

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When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking
with Madame deGaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer…and
no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
“Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, ‘appiness.”

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Un enano, muy enano, va

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Un enano, muy enano, va a una casa de putas y pregunta en la recepci�n:

“�Tiene putas de 500 ptas.?”

La meretriz recepcionista le dice que suba a la octava planta. El liliputiense sube las escaleras; abre la puerta de la octava planta y se encuentra en la cama a una negra de 350 kilos, en pelotas, que le susurra:

“Ac�rcate, peque��n”.

La morena abre las piernas de par en par; coge al enano por las orejas lo pone delante del chichi y le pide:

“�C�metelo!”

“�A m� no! �A m� no!”, responde gritando el hombrecillo.

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La maestra de Pepito est�

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La maestra de Pepito est� preguntando a sus alumnos si saben qui�n fue el autor de algunas frases c�lebres que ella les dice, evitando obviamente a Pepito por sus respuestas groseras.

“A ver, ni�os, �qui�n dijo: despacio que voy de prisa?”

Pepito se deshace, grita, brinca, chifla… Pero la maestra le pregunta a Jaimito y �ste contesta:

“�Napole�n!”

La maestra vuelve a preguntar:

“�Qui�n dijo: el respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz?”

Pepito grita y la busca, le pide la palabra, pero la maestra lo evita y le pregunta a Lalito:

“�Qui�n fue?”

Lalito responde:

“!Benito Juarez!”

Y as� se pasa la clase, Pepito queriendo contestar y la maestra evit�ndolo.

Al terminarse la clase, Pepito frustrado le grita enfrente de todo el sal�n:

“�Qu� vieja tan mamona!”

La maestra ofendida se voltea y grita:

“��Qui�n dijo eso, qui�n dijo eso!?”

Y Pepito le contesta con mucho orgullo:

“�Clinton, maestra, Clinton!”

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When Choosing A Mate

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When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer EngineersDOCTORS——- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession. LAWYER—— Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. SALESMAN——– See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,———————- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her. TEACHER——- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

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65 Bumper Stickers!

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TOP BUMPER STICKER’S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don’t Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong…
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Puede estar ca�da o funcionando.

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Puede estar ca�da o funcionando. Siempre es m�s divertida cuando est� funcionando, pero tambi�n se hace dif�cil terminar cualquier otro trabajo.

En el pasado distante era utilizada con el �nico prop�sito de transmitir informaci�n vital para supervivencia de la especie. Hay gente que piensa que debe usarse s�lo para eso, pero la mayor�a de la gente la usa para divertirse la mayor�a del tiempo.

Es un instrumento ameno para “interactuar” con otras personas.

Si no se toman las medidas necesarias es probable que puedan transmitir uno que otro virus.

Una vez empiezas a jugar con ella, no puedes parar.

Siempre cuesta dinero conectarte con ella.

Algunos la usan, otros no.

Algunas personas estar�n devastadas si alg�n d�a se las llegan a quitar.

Es una forma de matar tiempo, cuando no tienes nada que hacer.

Es Plug & Play.

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3 frogs

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3 frogs walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The receptionist said ” Down the hall to the right and then to the left.” When they got there it was the bathroom. So one of them slept in the sink, one in the tub and one in the toilet. So the next morning the one in the tub asks the one in the sink ” How was your sleep?” ” Good said the one in the sink then they exchanged. Then they went to the one in the toilet and asked him the same thing he said ” It was good but a log hit me on the head and then it stated rainig.

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