A Budda walks into a pizza shop and says the to the guy working there….
make me one with everything
Skid
Men’s Greeting Cards
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together…
Inside caption: I swear I’ll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn’t clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner…
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I’m sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I’m sorry to hear the news…
Inside caption: That you’ve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love…
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know we’ve had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don’t cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If…
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to “Cajun”.
Bellybuttons
Jonnys Dad
One day in the class room the teacher told the class were going to play a moral of the story game. Instantly Johnny raised his hand, the teacher looked over and thought to herself no I wont pick Johnny he’ll have something to do with sex or swearing, so the teacher picked Betty. Betty started by saying, “one day I went out to collect the eggs from the chicken coop and dropped them.” The teacher asked “and what’s the moral to that story? Betty said “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. The teacher looked around the room and deiced alright Johnny. Johnny started off by saying, “one day my dad was in nam his LT. told him he had to take that hill and hold it at all costs, so my dad sat down pounded a 5th a whiskey ran up the hill and killed everybody.” The teacher looked up shocked and said, ” alright what’s the moral of that story?” Johnny simply sat back and said “DON’T FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING.”
Ugly momma
Don’t Be Sexist!
A Hippo What?
3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.
The first said, “The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it’s got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.”
The second shook his head and said “Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain’t nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.”
The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, ” No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.”
The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.
The gentleman slowly began to explain, ” A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an ‘gator head on the other”
“WAIT ! interrupted the others, “If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?”
The reply was simply,” He don’t, that’s what makes him so mean”.
Your’re a redneck if…
You’re a redneck if…
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?”
-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.”
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
Protective Father
A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud. She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill. Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for tea – and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him.
The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly. Father is not impressed, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is not the chatty type and seems rather bored by the whole thing.
Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it’s time for a bit of “man-to-man” stuff.
“Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter,” says the father.
“Yeah, sort of,” replies the boyfriend.
“Do you have a job?”
“Nope.”
“Are you looking for one?”
“Nope.”
At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of the young man and put him off marrying his daughter.
“Er, I don’t know if you realise that my daughter has acute angina?” says the father.
“Yeah, lovely, isn’t it, and her tits aren’t too bad either.”