I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.
The Belt
Yo mama!!!
Virtue is its own punishment.
Why
Q: why did the blonde jump out the window?
A: because she thought her pad had wings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: in the room there was a mirror and a blonde
and the mirror had 3 bullets in it
why were there 3 bullet holes in the mirror
A: because the blonde was trying to shoot herself.
Rather Yell
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a
minister?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Ants
A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “Fucking ants,” with each smash.
The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. “What are you doing!?!?!” the priest shouts at the boy.
“I’m killing these fucking ants,” responds the boy.
Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. “My son, don’t you know that it is wrong to harm any of God’s creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants.”
The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, “But these ants don’t do anything. They just bother people.”
The priest responds, “Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose.”
One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same little boy sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same, “Fucking ants,” phrase.
The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, “My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?”
The boy looks up at the priest and says, “Yeah, I thought of three things that don’t have a purpose. Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking ants!”
Top 25 Classic Country Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You.
13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles.
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer.
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few
Pitching soon
Two best friends were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their
entire adult lives revolved around baseball. They discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to
over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come
back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, one of the friend passed away in his sleep after watching a
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy awoke to the sound of the voice from beyond.
“is that you?” he asked. “Of course it me,” his friend’s voice replied.
“This is unbelievable!” he exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven,”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
You know you’re a redneck if:
1) you drive your house and sleep in your car.
2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.
3) You have more than 2 relatives named Bah.
4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER
kids.
5) You’ve been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.
blond on a computer
At the Movies
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater’s concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, “Okay, who’s got the remote?”