A man dies and goes up to heaven. He sees the pearly gates and St. Peter.
“Welcome to heaven. I’ll guide you to your house.” says Peter. So they walk
through a court yard full of clocks. A lot of clocks. “What�s with all the
clocks?” asked the man. “These are the clocks of all the people in the world.
Every time they lie, it jumps one minute in the future of their life. Here, let
me show you.” Peter moves over to a clock. “This is Jack, a car salesman, any
moment, his clock will jump.” Sure enough, about 3 seconds later it moved a
minute forward. So they keep walking, and the man is seeing all his friend and
family’s clocks. He gets to his house and asks Peter, “Where is President
Clinton’s Clock?” “Didn’t you see it? Look up. We use it as a ceiling fan!”
Old Age
A New Set Of Golf Cl
Eran unos gitanos que se
Eran unos gitanos que se hab�an hecho de un burro y entre ellos se iban a turnar para darle de comer al burro.
El primer d�a le toc� a uno y dijo:
“Por un d�a que el burro no coma no pasara nada.”
Y al otro d�a el otro tambi�n dijo:
“Por un d�a que no coma no le pasar� nada.”
As� pas� una semana y los gitanos decidieron deshacerse del burro y lo llevaron a un circo para venderlo como comida para los leones, y el due�o muy gustoso se lo compr�.
No hab�an caminado ni media cuadra cuando sale el due�o del circo y les grita:
“Conque comida para los leones �no? �Este desgraciado burro ya se comi� dos y tiene al otro acorralado!”
Women’s T-Shirt Sayings!
* I’m out of estrogen. I have a gun.
* Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares?
* I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* I hate everybody, and you’re next.
* Please don’t make me kill you.
* And your point is …
* I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
* I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
* Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
* You KNOW you want me.
* Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
* Of course I don’t look busy. . I did it right the first time.
* Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
* I’m multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
* Do NOT start with me. You won’t win.
* You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
* I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
* How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
* Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
* If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
* Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
* Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.
After a preacher died and
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he
complained to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my
congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained.
“Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said Saint Peter. “And when people rode in this man’s taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Daryl!Daryl who?Daryl never
Say 55
A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.
Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”
Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”
The man does so and the doctor grabs his penis.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
Patient: “55.”
The doctor then grabs his balls.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
Patient: “55.”
Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.
The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.
Doctor: “Say ’55.'”
Patient: “1…..2……3…..”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
The River
In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said…
“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it in the river!”
Then he talked some more and a little while later he said….
“If I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it in the river!”
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said…
“If i had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it in the river!”
Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.
Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:
“now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134,
LET’S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
Yo mama is so fat
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