Monica Lewinski can’t find a job anywhere now: cause she sucked as an
intern!
Where fools rush in
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. ‘That should be obvious,’ he responded, ‘the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.’
yo mama
Work Vs Prison
In Prison:You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cellAt Work:You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicleIn Prison:You get three free meals a dayAt Work:You get one break for a meal you pay forIn Prison:A guard locks and unlocks all doors for youAt Work:You carry a security card, you unlock the doorsIn Prison:You get to watch TV and play gamesAt Work:You get fired for watching TV and playing gamesIn Prison:You get your own toiletAt Work:You have to shareIn Prison:Family and friends are allowed to visitAt Work:You’re not allowed to speak to family or friendsIn Prison:Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not requiredAt Work:You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenseson your taxes to pay for prisonersIn Prison:You look through the bars, hoping to get outAt Work:You want to get out so you can go inside the barsIn Prison:The wardens who are often called sadisticAt Work:The wardens are called managers
Me and My Boss
When I take a long time
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
He is thorough
———————————-
When I don’t do it
I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
He is too busy
———————————-
When I do something without being told
I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same
That is initiative
———————————-
When I please my boss
I’m ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss
He’s co-operating
———————————-
When I do good
My boss never remembers
When I do wrong
He never forgets
———————————-
Lawyer One Liners #5
The Top 14 Reasons Americans are Overweight
14> Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day — there’s no *time* to exercise!
13> One word: Sprinkles
12> “Girl Scout Cookie Dough” gets better tasting every year.
11> Too worn out after exercising rights to free speech and to bear arms to exercise anything else!
10> Ally McBacklash
9> The colossal failure of “Salad King” drive-thru chain.
8> Calories burned by reading internet humor lists all day long? Zero.
7> Part of our country’s defense strategy: Asses too large to be kicked.
6> In: “Must See TV” Out: “Must See One’s Own Genitals”
5> Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.
4> Have to beat those Japanese at *something*.
3> Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon cheeseburger / chili fries combo is a healthy meal.
2> *Someone’s* got to provide a global counterbalance to those 1.2 billion Chinese.
1> A balanced American diet: pint of Super Fudge Chunk in the left hand, Jumbo Beef-o-rito in the right.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front…
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old
lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?” �
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.” �
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
�The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” �
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the
beach?”
Hot Dogs
Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”
Computer gender war!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.