- Murphy’s Eleventh Law of Computing
- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want it to do.
Pukeing drunk
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong.”I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.” The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.” “Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says ” look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.” His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.”Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.”He did,” says the drunk.”But he shit in my pants too.”
Granny visits town
Granny was visiting town for the first time.
She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
“Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don’t mean I’m stupid!
I paid good money, and this room won’t do at all! It’s too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there’s not even a bed!”
The bellhop looks at her and says, “Ma’am, this isn’t your room, it’s the elevator.”
MUJER INTERNET: mujeres de dif�cil
MUJER INTERNET: mujeres de dif�cil acceso.
MUJER SERVIDOR: est� siempre ocupada cuando usted quiere usarla.
MUJER WINDOWS: todo el mundo sabe que no sirve, pero nadie vive sin ella.
MUJER POWERPOINT: solamente Bill Gates tiene la paciencia para aguantarla por m�s de media hora.
MUJER EXCEL: dicen que hace muchas cosas, pero usted tan s�lo la utiliza para las cuatro operaciones b�sicas.
MUJER WORD: tiene siempre una sorpresa reservada para usted y no existe nadie en el mundo que la comprenda totalmente.
MUJER D.O.S.: todos la usaron alg�n d�a, pero nadie la quiere ahora.
MUJER BACKUP: usted siempre cree que tiene lo suficiente, pero a la hora de ‘vamos a ver’ falta algo.
MUJER VIRUS: tambi�n conocida como esposa. Cuando usted menos lo espera, ella llega, se instala y va apoder�ndose de todos sus recursos. Si usted intenta desinstalarla, va a perder algunas cosas; si no lo intenta, pierde todo.
MUJER SCANDISK: sabemos que ella es buena y que solamente quiere ayudar, pero en el fondo nadie sabe realmente que est� haciendo.
MUJER SCREENSAVER: no sirve para nada, pero te divierte.
MUJER PAINTBRUSH: �nicamente sirve para sus hijos.
MUJER RAM: aquella que olvida lo que hace apenas se desconecta.
MUJER HARDDISK: aquella que se acuerda de todo, todo el tiempo.
MUJER MOUSE: exclusivamente funciona cuando es arrastrada y presionada.
MUJER MOUSEPAD: es la mujer ‘felpudo’ versi�n a�o 2000.
MUJER MULTIMEDIA: hace que todo parezca bonito.
MUJER JOYSTICK: vive dej�ndolo a usted con la mano sudada y con calambres en el brazo.
MUJER MICROSOFT: quiere dominar a cualquier hombre que aparezca a su alrededor, e intentar� convencerlo de que eso es lo mejor para usted. Idea planos para enfrentarlo a usted contra otras mujeres y promete que har� lo que usted quiera si tira su agenda con los tel�fonos de sus amigas. Sin que usted lo perciba, poco a poco, ella ser� la �nica en su vida. Llegar� un d�a que, hasta para abrir la heladera o tomar las llaves del coche, usted tendr� que pedir su permiso.
MUJER PASSWORD: Usted cree el �nico que la conoce, pero la conoce medio mundo.
MUJER MP3: Todos quieren baj�rsela.
MUJER USUARIO: No hace nada bien y pide m�s de lo que necesita.
MUJER ANALISTA-PROGRAMADOR: Se la pasa cocinando, se la pasa remendando.
MUJER CPU: por fuera pareciera que tiene de todo, pero por dentro est� casi vac�a.
MUJER MONITOR: Le hace ver la vida con los m�s lindos colores.
MUJER LECTORA CD: Cada vez son m�s r�pidas.
MUJER DATAWAREHOUSING: Le informa de todo, menos lo que realmente te interesa.
MUJER E-MAIL: De cada diez cosas que informa, ocho son pendejadas, como �sta.
Parenthood Test
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “I love you, you love me” at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! … you finally qualify as a parent.
Lunch
Three laborers were sitting on the 20th floor of a new building not completed. One was Irish, one was American and the other was Australian.
At lunch the Australian claimed that if he got another Vegimite sandwich for lunch he would throw himself off the building the next day.
The American opened up his lunchbox and declared the same as he grimaced at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and the Irish man declared the same as he grimaced at his baked bean sandwiches.
The next day the three go to work and they all received the same lunch again and they all threw themselves off the top floor of the building.
At the funeral the three wives got together and the Australian’s wife said, “All he had to do was say something and I would have packed him a different lunch.”
The American’s wife said the same thing.
Then the Irishman’s wife said, “Well, I don’t understand it at all, Paddy has been packing his own lunch for the past six months.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Tiger woods in bed.
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
“I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man” she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers …well maybe!
Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he’s not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon “thing”. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asked his bride.
“I’m calling for room service. After all that work I’m hungry!”
The wife says, “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Really! Just what would TIGER do?” says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you’re not calling room service are you!!!!
“NO, says the exhausted hubby”!
“Well who are you calling then, she asks.”
I’m calling Tiger Woods…
I want to see what par is for this hole!
Blinded around
one day this blind man deciced to go out to town with his trusty guide dog in one hand and his bag in the other so they got to town and went in to the jeweller shop and the blind man got his dog and started swinging it around and around in the air and the person behind the counter asked the bloke if he was ok he replied saying yes i am just having a look around
Clintons at the Ball Game
Bill and Hillary went to the first baseball game of the year in
Baltimore’s new Camden Yards stadium.
The umpire went to the Presidential box seat next to the home
dugout, whispered something to Bill, then walked back to home
plate.
Bill shrugged his shoulders, and then threw Hillary onto the
playing field.
The umpire shook his head, walked back to where Bill was sitting
and said, “No, sir, I asked you to throw out the first PITCH.”
Teaching the Wife Golf
A guy’s been trying to teach his wife to golf, but he’s not having much success. He decides to get her some pro lessons at his club. She shows up for the lesson, and the pro says “Let’s see your swing”.
she takes a swipe at it, and it’s not too bad.
“OK, let’s see you tee-off one time”, and tees up a ball for her.
She swings, and it’s a 125 yard slice.
“Lemme see that again”.
He tees up another ball for her, she hits it, and same thing- slice right. The pro thinks a bit, and says “I think it’s your grip; it may be too firm”.
He tees up another ball, saying “Tell you what. Try holding the club just like you’d hold your husband’s “member”.
She swings again, and this time it’s 200+ yards straight down the middle!
“Thats much better. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it like this…”
Apples and Cookies
At a catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:
“Take only one apple please – God is watching.””
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a student had placed a sign saying:
“”Take all the cookies you want – God is watching the apples.””
“
Bras
A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales
clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk?
“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”
“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,
“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one
do you need?”
Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”
The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes
mountain’s out of mole hills.”