There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
Wife Swats Husband with a Frying Pan
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the
back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”
A Gentlemen's Pl
A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.”That, sir,” says the barman,”is a gentleman’s pleasure.” So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job he’s ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.”No can do,” he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.” The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:” Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman’s pleasure.” “What do you expect me to do with it?” asks the witch.”Teach it to cook and then fuck off!” says the man.
Order in the Court – Part 1
Is it my imagination or…do lawyers ask dumb questions?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
where there was a victim?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. Uhh… just one: the victim lived.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
Q. Now then, was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Varias amigas estaban de vacaciones
Varias amigas estaban de vacaciones cuando vieron, en un hotel de 5 pisos, un cartel que dec�a:
“PROST�BULO PARA MUJERES”.
Las chicas se emocionaron y, como no estaban con sus novios ni con sus padres, decidieron entrar. El portero, un trolo divino, les explic� el funcionamiento:
“Mariposas, tenemos 5 pisos. Vayan subiendo piso por piso hasta donde encuentren lo que buscan y ah� se quedan. Es muy f�cil, hay carteles por todos lados
Las mujeres subieron al primer piso y delante de la puerta se encontraron con un aviso que dec�a:
“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y finita”.
Las chicas se rieron y sin dedicarle ni un solo pensamiento a los infelices del primero, subieron al segundo piso. Delante de la puerta hab�a un cartel que avisaba:
“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos larga y finita”.
Todav�a no parec�a demasiado bueno, as� que se dirigieron al tercer piso a ver si daban con los modelos perfectos. Al llegar leyeron un letrero:
“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y gruesa”.
Esa era otra decepci�n, pero a�n quedaban dos pisos por explorar, as� que no se detuvieron y ascendieron al cuarto. All� las aguardaba el cartel perfecto:
“Aqu� todos los hombres la tenemos larga y gruesa”.
Todas las mujeres gritaron excitadas y estaban a punto de entrar, cuando se dieron cuenta de que se iban a perder el quinto piso. Subieron velozmente esperando el para�so y se encontraron con un aviso que dec�a:
“Aqu� no hay hombres. Este piso fue construido solamente para demostrar que a las mujeres nada las complace”.
Difference between Malaysia & USA
yo mama is so fat her belt size was the equater…
The Scots, English and Welsh Wishes
There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border…a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, ‘I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes.’ To this, the Scot says ‘I am a sheep herder. My dad’s a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms’… ‘FOOM!’ all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms. The Englishman was amazed. He said ‘I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out’… ‘FOOM!!’ there was a wall around England. The Welshman says ‘Tell me more about this wall.’ The genie says ‘Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.’ After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says ‘Fill it with water.’
The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part II)
13> Every time you attempt to take on the evil Church of Science empire, it files a lawsuit and gets a restraining order.
12> When you finally turn off your “Vice City” game, you find your bed has a severed horse head in it.
11> Your current high score is used to calculate the Department of Homeland Security’s national threat level.
10> Automatic withholding of 28% of your bonus points.
9> After three hours of “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” you decide to watch a little TV — only to discover that you’re the lead story on “America’s Most Wanted.”
8> A little John Ashcroft icon hangs in the corner of the screen, watching your every move.
7> Every time you bump the car in front of you in “NASCAR 2003,” your keyboard’s airbag smacks you in the face.
6> Ms. Pac-Man refuses to do much of anything until her PMS eases up.
5> The decaying zombie carcasses smell worse than your room does.
4> Every time you play, the same sick feeling of hopelessness and despair descends on you, leaving you unab– oh, wait, that’s Quicken.
3> Bill Bennett’s got $1,000 riding on the outcome.
2> Donkey Kong only seems to have two moves this time: throwing poop and masturbating.
1> Try as you might, you can’t seem to find the frighteningly destructive weapons the bad guy’s supposed to have.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
You’ve got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”
Quick Ones!
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? – 45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? – 45 minutes
Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? – Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy!
What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A. “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”
Bush and madmen:
“The most important thing is to find Osama Bin Laden. It is our number one
priority and we will not rest until we find him.” – September 13, 2001 “I don’t
know where he is. I have no idea and I really don’t care. It’s not our
priority.” – March 13, 2002
“There is madmen in the world, and there are terror.”
“A world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.”