Whey did the chicken cross the road?
To show the deer how to do it.
Hate
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR TEENAGERS
No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing impaired.”
You don’t have detention; you’re just one of the� exit delayed.”
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage restrictive.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
Your homework isn’t missing; it�s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle
syndrome.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot… You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations.”
You’re not being sent to the principal�s office. You’re “going on a mandatory
field trip to the administrative building.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual
information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”
MEGA MORON AWARDS
MEGA MORON AWARDS Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
Rules To Be A Man
Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing…
1. Don’t call, ever.
2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. lie.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here’s a good pickup line, “My girlfriend’s pregnant, will you go out with me?”
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – don’t ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don’t like a girl, but can’t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, “I don’t know. I just don’t like her personality.”
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, “Wha…?”
23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.
28. Don’t have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. Lie.
33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.
34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Never listen.
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.
42. Lie.
43. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. don’t even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you’re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it’s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend’s b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Blame everything on PMS.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.
56. Automatically assume that she doesn’t know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you’re just there to stand around and look cool, right?
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you’ve done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with “why,” the answer is “I don’t know.”
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you’re staying with her.
67. Lie.
68. Other peoples’ pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor… make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.
73. Lie. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you’re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE’s the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. Lie.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions “love” or “commitment.”
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren’t there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her, when you’re with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn’t kiss as well as your ex.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s local.
85. Be early for everything or don’t show up at all.
Women with duck
Pepito llega a la escuela
Pepito llega a la escuela recordando que no hab�a hecho la tarea, por lo que decide improvisar cuando la maestra le llama:
“A ver, Pepito, l�enos tu ensayo a las madres”.
Y comienza Pepito:
“Oh, madre querida. T� estabas atendiendo a mi pap� y a sus amigotes, y yo te ayudaba en la cocina, cuando mi padre te llam� y t� me gritaste: Pepito, tr�ete 2 cervezas. Yo corr� al refrigerador, abr� la puerta y mire dentro. De inmediato regrese contigo y exclam�: �MADRE, S�LO HAY UNA!”
I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Beer Festival
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
Corona’s president sits down and says, “Se�or, I would like the world’s best
beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him.
Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world,
give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made
with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and
the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither
will I.”
Truly Fucked!!
If at first you dont succeed, fuck the world and smoke some weed.
If your girl doesnt wanna have sex, ditch her ass and go to the
next.
If you ever catch your girl cheating, bash the guys head till
his brains start leaking.
If your car starts to smell fishy, tell the girl to go wash her
pussy.
If your girl says with her your stuck, then my boy you are truly
fucked!!
Caught Cheating
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified husband, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, “No, You are!!! I’m going to set the garage on fire.