Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Top 10 Things Hanson will do when they grow up
#10. Sit on corners and take money people give them to shut them up
#9. Be the next in line to have Michael Jackson’s baby
#8. “Would you like fries with that?”
#7. “Striptease II”
#6. G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)
#5. “Attention K-Mart shoppers, buy a box of kitty litter, and get a hanson CD free!”
#4. Host of MTV’s show “One Hit Wonders”
#3. Plugging the roly-kit, and acne staton on the “Home Shopping Network”
#2. Drinking, a lot of drinking
#1. Settle down, and just try to be good housewives
Honeymoon
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”
“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”
“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish.”
A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”
“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”
The following day, “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”
“Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea and you know how I love to fish…”
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”
“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Elephant Fart
Celtic Mortality
Six times Six
A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.
She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ” Mister, I’m broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I’m out of a place to live. I’ll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can’t come up with a reply to.”
The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.
So she tells him, “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.”
The man scratches his head and says, “your right, I can’t top that.” and he pays her the five dollars.
Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.
On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says “your on”
Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.
The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can’t piss in mine!!”
Yo mommas so fat…
title search
Title Search Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990 One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: “We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly, etc.”As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:”Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you’re satisfied.”