Un exc�ntrico millonario compra una

Un exc�ntrico millonario compra una momia egipcia en un mill�n y medio de d�lares, y decide certificar su autenticidad. Para eso, la manda al Museo de Egiptolog�a de Texas. All�, tras algunas pericias infructuosas, se declaran incompetentes y le recomiendan que la lleve a la Universidad de Par�s.

El tipo la lleva a Par�s, donde le dicen lo mismo y le recomiendan que vaya a Egipto.

El millonario entonces se va con la momia a Egipto. Recorre el Museo de El Cairo, la Academia de Antropolog�a, la Academia de Historia y nada. Cuando est� saliendo del �ltimo museo se le acerca un ordenanza y le dice:

“�Usted quiere averiguar todo sobre esa momia?”

“S�.”

“Bueno, yo le voy a dar una direcci�n, pero por favor usted no diga que se la d� yo. Mire, vaya a la Polic�a Federal en Buenos Aires, en la Argentina. Pida hablar con este Sargento, �l lo va a ayudar.”

El tipo va a la Argentina, se dirige al Departamento de Polic�a y pide hablar con el Sargento indicado por el ordenanza egipcio.

“Mire, me dijeron que hable con usted, que me iba a poder ayudar… Yo quiero averiguar lo m�s posible sobre esta momia.”

“D�jemela y venga dentro de un par de d�as.”

El millonario vuelve a los tres d�as totalmente desesperanzado y le pregunta al Sargento:

“�Y? �C�mo va la cosa?”

“Mire, se trata del Rey Thor IIX, t�o abuelo de Tutankamon, que vivi� en los a�os 1300 a. de C. Hab�a sido amante de la esposa del abuelo de Tutankamon y por esto se pele� con su hermano muriendo en la lucha y dejando el reino a su sobrino, el padre de Tutankamon. Adem�s, tambi�n parece que era un depravado porque intent� violar a su hija. De chico sus padres le pegaban, lo que lo marc� para toda su vida y…”

“Pare, pare. �C�mo averigu� todo esto?”

“Al principio cost� un poquito, pero cuando lo apretamos enseguida larg� todo.”

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Signs around the World

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

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Tech Support questions

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

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Clinton Drowns?

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there myself in Air Force One!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, “But, son, you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.”

The boy replies, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

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Viene esta se�ora de 85

Viene esta se�ora de 85 a�os y le dice a su cirujano pl�stico que le haga un trabajo para quitar tantas arrugas. El cirujano la mira y le dice:

“Llega usted en buena hora porque acabo de inventar un estupendo procedimiento. Consta de ponerle un tornillo en la parte superior de su cabeza y cada vez que se le arrugue su cara ajusta el tornillo poco a poco. La se�ora, con toda la alegr�a del mundo, accede.

A los dos meses vuelve la se�ora al consultorio del cirujano y le dice:

“Usted es un cirujano mediocre, m�reme las bolsas que tengo en los ojos y ya me canse de ajustar el bendito tornillo este.”

El doctor la mira con cara de enojo y le contesta:

“Vieja bruta, le dije ajuste poco a poco. Eso que tiene en los ojos no son bolsas de agua, �son sus senos!”

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Frog Princess

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes”.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF!

The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.”

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

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Hells Angel In Bar

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls “All you down there… You’re all a bunch of queer cock suckers!” he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. “You’re all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says “Where the fuck you going?”

The guy says “I’m at the wrong end of the bar.”

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