1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players
start shooting back with live ammunition.
2. Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
3. Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their
last remaining fan.
5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur”
is meaningless.
6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to
frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and
white week after week after week!
9. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
10. Official rule books not made in Braille.
11. I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!
Multicultural Hell
The patient was being preped for the operation….
A lesbian request
God and the Village Idiot
One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.
“I need to find someone to run for president,” he said after a while.
Attentive to his boss’ needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.
“Nah, I want that guy,” he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” said St. Paul, “Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he’s got drinking and drug problems.”
“I don’t care,” said God, “This is the guy.”
Perplexed, St. Paul asked: “What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?”
“No,” said God, “I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president.”
“But won’t that work in the Devil’s favor, oh Lord?” Paul asked.
“That’s all right,” said God, “he’ll never take Florida.”
You Seen Your Wife?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.”How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”To which he replied.”That would be fine with me.”Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Customer Needs Assistance
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,”I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”
Bad Sex
An old couple were sitting on their front porch reading the newspaper. When suddenly the woman stands up hits her husband upside the and sits back down. The man asks, “what was that for”. The woman replies “that’s for 35 years of bad sex”. The man ,out of anger, hits her back and says “that’s for known”.
Alabama Speed Trap
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?””Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.”Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”
Got Every Woman in T
Q: How many SAS men
Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.