Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with: Real Signs Found In Various Places…Sign in a maternity clothes store: ‘We are open on labor day.’Sign on the door of the maternity ward: ‘Push Push Push.’Sign in a non-smoking area: ‘If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’Sign on a front door: ‘Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.’ Sign on fence: ‘Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.’Sign on an electrician’s truck: ‘Let Us Remove Your Shorts.’Sign in a realtor’s office: ‘Lots for little.’Sign in a shoe store: ‘Come in and have a fit.’Sign in an optometrist’s office: ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’ Sign on a scientist’s door: ‘Gone fission.’Sign in a taxidermist’s window: ‘We really know our stuff.’Sign on used car lot: ‘Second hand cars in first crash condition.’Sign over a cannibal’s hut: ‘I never met a man I didn’t like.’Sign in a muffler shop: ‘No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.’Sign at a hotel: ‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’Sign in a science teacher’s room: If it moves, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.Sign at the dry cleaner’s window: ‘Drop your pants here.’Sign in an office: ‘We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.’Sign in a veterinary’s waiting room: ‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’Sign at a computer store: ‘Out for a quick byte.’Sign in a bowling alley: ‘Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.’Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: ‘Get a `long` little doggie!’Sign on a music library’s door: ‘Bach in a minuet.’Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home, Labor Day Weekend: ‘Please Drive Carefully. We Can Wait.
Ur momma is so stupid
A man spoke
You might be a redneck if…
Nail in experiment
DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. “I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail,” he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, “Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?”– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Carolyn Stickney � 1996 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.
Late for School?
blind pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”
Yo mamma’s so fat!
Question and answer Clinton joke
Nuts in a Vice
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to……to…. cut it off are you?!”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Two questions
Corporate Lessons!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, “Father, remember psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!