Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do.
Why does Jeopordy use so much toilet paper
yo momma so fat that to get her in the house…
Estaban dos ni�os cada uno
Estaban dos ni�os cada uno con un trompo y uno le dice al otro:
“A ver, baila el trompo.”
Y el otro le contesta: “No sabo.”
“No se dice no sabo se dice no sepo.”
En ese momento una se�ora estaba escuchando la conversaci�n de los ni�os y les dice:
“No se dice ni no sabo ni no sepo.”
Los ni�os le preguntan:
“Entonces, �C�mo se dice?”
La se�ora les contesta:
“No s�.”
Y los ni�os le dicen:
“Entonces, por qu� se mete en lo que no le importa.”
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.
Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them
there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re
here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your
privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below.
Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a
car here in Heaven because it is so big!”
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, “How long were you married?”
The guy replies, “24 years.”
St. Peter then asks, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The guy says, “Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”
The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to whom he
replies, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was
during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln Town Car for you to
drive.”
The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to
ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated
my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive” A
little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with
the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the
matter. When they asked him what was wrong he wearily said, “I just saw my wife
and she was on a skateboard!”
The blonde in the library
Kids Say The Darnest Things !!!!!
TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?
JACK: 7 years old
TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?
JACK: 9 years old
TEACHER: That’s impossible!
JACK: No it’s not. I’m 8 today.
TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.
MIKE: Here it is !
TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Mike !!!
TEACHER: Didn’t you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes sir.
TEACHER: And didn’t I promise to punish you when you misbehave?
STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didn’t keep my promise, you don’t need to keep yours.
COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: No.
COOL STUDENT: Good ‘cos I didn’t do my homework.
TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don’t 10 years ago.
ALFRED: Me !!!
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No. I’m Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.
STUDENT: You can’t fool me teacher ! Snakes don’t have feet !!!
HYGIENE TEACHER: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?
WILLY: Don’t bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word ‘I’
ELLEN: I is….
TEACHER: No Ellen always use “I am”.
ELLEN: Oh, alright. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Her Side/His Side
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say
anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really
sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that
I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what
the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or
anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering
if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I
just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he’s met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
Hillary’s Panties
One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his
Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated “I can’t wait to get back to
the White House…I’m going to rip Hillary’s panties off”. The Secret Service
Agent asked him “Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?
“No” said Clinton…”they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!”
Venancio no pod�a satisfacer a
Venancio no pod�a satisfacer a su bella esposa. Hab�a tratado multitud de m�todos pero nada hab�a funcionado. Finalmente fue a pedirle consejo a su mejor amigo, quien decidi� jugarle una broma y le dijo: “Este m�todo es 100 por ciento seguro: contrata a un tipo fuerte para que se pare junto a tu cama y les eche aire con una gran toalla mientras ustedes hacen el amor.”
Venancio contrat� al fortach�n, pero todos sus esfuerzos fueron en vano. As� que regres� con el amigo quien le dijo: “�Por qu� no cambias lugares? T� sacudes la toalla mientras el hombre fuerte hace el trabajo en la cama.”
Venancio dijo que estaba dispuesto a hacer cualquier cosa con tal de satisfacer a su esposa, as� que contrat� al mismo tipo y esta vez cambiaron posiciones. Naturalmente, la hermosa se�ora tuvo un orgasmo monumental.
Entonces Venancio se inclin� sobre el fortach�n y le dijo, “�Vez! �As� es como ten�as que mover la toalla!
Baked Beans
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a
very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet
and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.”
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived
in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk
off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the
way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control any lingering effects.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to
one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
rotten egg gone worse.
When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her
blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said “Surprise!”