whats funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clowns costume
Ways to confuse a roommate
Origins of the Toothbrush
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia because “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”
Blind Man & Nuns
Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes
so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were
done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of
them yelled, “Whooo is it?”
��the blind man!” He yelled back.
They decided since he was blind it would be all right.
They opened the door and the man said, ”Nice boobs! Where do you want the
blinds?”
Husband’s Midlife Crisis
Dave Barry on your husband’s midlife crisis:
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it’s a terrific idea.
If he wants to wear “younger” clothes, help him pick them out.
If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.
If you are coasting, you’re
Un hombre ten�a un puesto
Un hombre ten�a un puesto para rejuvenecer camellos en el Sahara. Un tipo que ten�a un camello viejo y cansado lo lleva a dicho lugar y le dice al due�o que vea qu� puede hacer, aunque es bastante esc�ptico de los resultados.
El due�o del local le dice que no se preocupe, que en unos minutos se lo deja como nuevo, y grita: “�Ahmeeeed!.
Del fondo del local sale un negro de dos metros con un miembro gigantesco y se lo introduce al camello; el pobre animal se levanta como si tuviera 20 a�os menos, y sale corriendo hasta desaparecer en el horizonte.
El due�o del camello, impresionado, dice: “!Qu� buena forma de rejuvenecer camellos!, pero ahora tengo otro problema: �c�mo lo alcanzo?”
El due�o del local dice:
“�No se preocupe, en segida lo alcanza! �Ahmeeeeed…!”
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Punny as they get! yee-haw!
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said…
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.” DOH!
Top Ten Reasons for Being English
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. Puts you in with a chance bedding Lady Di
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh, or Scottish
The Top 14 Other Internet Hoaxes
14. The DOTCam — Live webcast of your local Department of Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
13. “You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this little test!”
12. Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the Internet.
11. Rosie O’Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys — for dinner!
10. “Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the Internet!”
9. Discovery of Adolph Hitler’s long-lost Netscape bookmarks
8. The V2K bug – Every morning, another friggin’ Viagra joke on your monitor.
7. “Our First A-Bomb” <http://www.abomb.india.gov.
6. TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
5. www.ourfirstherpes.com
4. Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey “Sunshine” Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.
3. The Drudge Report
2. Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.
1. The Church of Scientology refund website
If Men Really Ruled
IF MEN REALLY DID RULE THE WORLD…Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.Birth control would come in ale or lager.Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.”Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.Tanks would be far easier to rent.Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”Valentine’s Day would be moved to 29 Feb so it would only occur in leap years.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.”Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.The only show opposite Mon. Night Football would be Mon. Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.