Yours Fun Portal !
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks “le apperitif?” All of them answer “oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedillo “Le tequila?” Zedillo: “oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin “Le vodka?” Yeltsin: “oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton ” Le whisky?” Clinton: “DON’T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!”
Johnny turned 15 today and more then anything for his birthday
he wanted to get laid. His Dad had told him that he was getting
him something special. So Johnny ran downstairs opened up his
present and recieved a duck.
Rather bored he took his duck for a walk and went passing by a
whore house and decided to go in. After looking around a nice
young woman came down the stairs and escorted him to a room.
Johnny quickly told the lady he just turned 15 and all he got
was a duck and what he really wanted was to get laid. The young
lady took pity and told him she would fuck him for his new pet
duck. Johnny Agreed in a heartbeat.
After Johnny had sex with the woman she told him he was so good
that she would like him to fuck her again and she would give him
the duck back. He then agreed in a heartbeat.
After having sex he was walking his duck home and it gets hit by
a taxi cab. The driver feeling sorry gave him a buck and drove
off.
When Johnny got home his mom screamed where have you been?!?!?!
What have you been doing…??!?!?
Johnny simply replied, “Let see, I got a fuck for a duck…a
duck for a fuck…and a buck for a fucked up duck.”
There are three flys in a jar. Two females and one male. One day
the female flys are talking and one says to the other one ‘I
need to get out of this jar!’ The male fly overhears this and
calls the female fly over. ‘I can tell you how to get out of the
jar’, he says. ‘Really? Tell me.’ The male fly replies ‘Ok. But
you have to sleep with me first.’ The female fly doesn’t think
to highly of that but she agrees. So when they are finished she
says tell me how to get out of the jar. The male fly says fly
around the inside of the jar as fast as you can three times,
then stop in the center and go straight up and out. The female
fly gets all excited. She flys around the inside of the jar as
fast as she can three times, stops in the center and goes
straight up and hits her head and fall to the bottom of the jar.
The next day the female flys are talking again and the second
female fly says I really gotta get out of this jar. The male fly
hears this and calls her over. He tells her he knows how to get
out of the jar. She asks him to tell her. He says he will but
she has to sleep with him first. So she says what the hell and
they go and do it. After they are finished she asks him how to
get out of the jar. He says fly around the inside of the jar as
fast as you can three times, stop in the center and go straight
up and out. So she does as shes told. And she hits her head also.
So now this male fly is stuck in the jar with two really pissed
off female flys. They start to go after him when he says wait it
works. I’ll show you. So he flies around the inside of the jar
as fast as he can three times, stops in the center and goes
straight up and out. Then flys around the outside of the jar
three times and comes back in.
(The punchline is the person your telling the joke to SHOULD say
I don’t get it. Then you reply: Sleep with me and I’ll tell
you!!!)
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before
he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn’t move. “Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed,
“I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish…please make
a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher’s feet. “Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive….”
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
Mad Cow Disease
One day two cows were chatting over the fence separating their two fields. The first cow said, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Rubin’s land just down the road!”
The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”