What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A rooster says, “Cock a doodle doo!”, but a blonde says, “Any cock’ll do!”
Clinton addressing to students
Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school one day to promote one of his
education bills. He was talking to a classroom of kids and asked them if they
knew what a tragedy is. One little boy said, “A tragedy would be if a school bus
full of kids ran off a road and everybody died�. Mr. Clinton responded, “No,
that would be an accident�. Shocked, the class was silent for a moment when a
bright young girl stood up and said, “A tragedy would be if all the teachers in
the world quit teaching�. Clinton thought for a moment and then said, “No, that
would be a great loss�. Finally another boy stood up and said, “A tragedy would
be if the President was in an airplane and it crashed and he died�. Clinton
smiled and said, “Good job, now that would be a tragedy. Can you explain to the
class why that would be a tragedy?” The little boy responded by saying, “Well,
it probably wouldn’t be an accident and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss�.
Top 11 signs you watch too much TV
11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, “You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!”
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say “Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!”
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to “vote them off
the island” the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from “Frasier” will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn’t get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with “And that’s the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so.”
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching “ER”.
and the number one reason you know you’ve been watching too much
TV…
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
“Is that your final answer?”
Return to power
They’re getting closer and closer to the trial for Saddam Hussein and, according to his prison guards hanging around Saddam Hussein, say he’s hooked on Cheetos and Doritos. … Kind of a strange picture, sitting around in his underwear eating Doritos, dreaming of the day he can return to power… oh wait that’s Al Gore.
-David Letterman
Money for God
There were these three men who when they get there pay check they seperate it half for god (the church) and the other for themselves. One first guy said i take a paper and draw a cicle and put a line through it and then throw the money in the air and what ever falls on one side is for god at the other for him. The, second guy said i draw a cirlce and throw the money in the air a what ever falls in the middle is for god and what ever falls on the outside is for him. Finally the third guy said I just throw the money in the air and what ever god catches is his.
Origin of Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to, “Where do pets come from?”
Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and
it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see
me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,
“Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was
content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came
to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as
he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he
will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
El d�a de recreo en
El d�a de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:
“�Qu� es lo que est� pasando?”
Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las dem�s. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que suced�a dice:
“�No se peleen m�s, porque si no le pongo el asiento!”
Q: How many auto mechanics
Calkin’s Law of Menu Language:
How to keep a blonde busy
Rise Caesar!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, “Madam, I’d like a woman for the evening.”The Madam says, “Sir, I’m afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you’d care to, I’m available.”So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he’s only two inches long. But then the guy says, “Rise, Caesar!”And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.”Sir,” she says, “this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you’d mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You’re really something special, you know.”But the guy says, “No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
Gone Fishing
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”