Yo mama so dumb she took free samples back to the store for a
refund.
fish +wall=
GM vs Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a news release
stating:
“If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on
Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you’d have to reinstall the engine
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
“Car95″ or CarNT”. But then you would have to buy more seats
MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light
Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
You’d press the start button to shut off the engine”
Dirty Ernie
Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, “Hey, everyone! look at that!” The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind. A little girl in the front row said, “Teacher, what was those two dogs doing? The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home. Dirty Ernie then said, “Teacher, ain’t that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?”
Postgame party
After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time
with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
“Alright honey,” he says, “Give me a play you want me to run.”
“How about foreplay?” his wife replies.
“What’s the foreplay?” says Doug.
“You know,” the wife says, “It happens before the two minute warning.”
I Need an Ambulance
This is a call that came into the 911 emergency line:
911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.
(static in the phone line interrupts call)
911 operator: A what?
Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.
911 operator: Okay, where are you?
Man: I’m down here on Sycamore Street.
(static in the phone line becomes worse)
911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.
Man: I’m at Sycamore Street!
(static still continues)
911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you’re at.
Man: All right. S-y-c-k…no, no that ain’t right.
S-i-c-k…no…S-e…S-y. I’ll tell you what, I’ll take the dude over to
Lee Street; you can pick him up there.
You Might Be In The Medical Field if
1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
6. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.
7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
8. You believe Chocolate is a food group.
9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,”Boy, it sure is quiet around here.
10. When you’re out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins.
11. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the eternal care center.
12. You hate working nights with a full moon.
13. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this patient.
14. You have wanted to give a seminar on “SUICIDE” Doing it right the first time.
15. You have had to leave a pt’s room before you laugh uncontrollably.
16. You think coffee should be available in IV form.
17. You have ever restrained someone and it was NOT a sexual experience.
18. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.
19. If you have ever referred to a Paramedic as a “Shit magnate”.
20. You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.
21. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
22. When ordering labs, the Doctor wants to order a “dumb shit” lab.
23. When you mention vegetable you aren’t talking about the food group.
24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
25. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, “No, I don’t have to be worried about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”
26. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck up there.”
27. You have your weekends all marked and planned for the year.
28. You encourage an obnoxious person to sign an AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.
29. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a shift.
31. You have ever bet on someones blood alcohol level.
32. You threaten to use “the hose” if your patient won’t give a urine sample.
33. After someone tells you how many drinks they’ve had, you ask: “How big were those drinks.”
Sun
Three gay men died, and
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane
and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just
one more time.”
Monsters
Why I’m so Tired
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.
- The population of this country is 237 million.
- 104 million are retired.
- That leaves 133 million to do the work.
- There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
- Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
- This leaves 19 million to do the work.
- Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
- Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
- There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
- Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting there reading jokes on your email!!!
Blonde quickies 8
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?A: Pull the pin and throw it back.Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?A: So they know what day of the week it is.Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?A: Because it kept falling out.Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?A: Wishful Thinking.Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?A: Her IQ goes up!Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?A: Butter is difficult to spread.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.