Pepillo ten�a hongos en los

Pepillo ten�a hongos en los pies y un amigo le dijo que �l sab�a como quit�rselos; s�lo ten�a que ir a cuatro casas y tocar, y cuando le preguntaran “�qui�n es?” decirles “hongos en los pies” y as� los hongos se les pasar�an a los que viv�an en esas casas y se le quitar�an a �l.

As� que Pepillo va a la primera casa y toca y cuando preguntan “�qui�n es?” responde “hongos en los pies” y sale corriendo a madres. Luego va a su segunda casa y toca y preguntan “�qui�n es?” “hongos en los pies” y as� hasta completar las cuatro. Y cuando ya est� de regreso en su casa se quita el zapato y el calcet�n y ve que ya no tiene hongos en los pies.

En eso tocan a la puerta de su casa y pensando que le puedan hacer lo mismo, dice: “�Qu� rollo?”

Y le responden: “Almorranas en el hoyo.”

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My Montana Diary

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it’s trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can’t go anywhere. Car’s stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can’t imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!

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Biggest Sex Life Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.
“Evening, boys. What are you doing?”

“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied the one lad. “We’re just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about his sex life.”

“Boys, boys, boys!” intoned the minister. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I
never thought about sex at all.”

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, “You win, Pastor!”

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Windows 2000 Errors

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

10.This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

11.To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

22.Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

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Blind Date

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

“Is this yours?” he asked.

She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye.”

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Computer gender war!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Know When YOU'RE

Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”Fellow 1: “The judge told him.”

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