Yours Fun Portal !
A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he
said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s
only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he
fell off!”
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?” The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.
‘What would you like to do first, Kim?’ asked Joe.
‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.
‘I want to get weighed,’ she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went and because she’d been there before the man guessed Kim’s correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.
Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
‘Where to next?’
Kim responded: ‘I want to get weighed,’ but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, ‘How’d it go?’ she asked.
Kim said, ‘Oh, Waura, it was wousy.’
I know how to please a woman.Then please leave me alone.I want to give myself to you.Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.Your hair color is fabulous.Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.You look like a dream.Go back to sleep.I can tell that you want me.Yes, I want you to leave.Hey, baby, what’s your sign?Do not enter.I’d go through anything for you.Let’s start with your bank account.May I have the last dance?You’ve just had it.Your place or mine?Both. You go to your place, and I’ll go to mine.Your body is like a temple.Sorry, there are no services today.Is this seat empty?Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?Haven’t I seen you someplace before?Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the “little people” pay less than the
going rate for rent.
Since we have only one “little person” living here it turns out that he
won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy
covers everything.
We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
One day a man and a lady decided to go to a nude beach and they had to bring along their 10 year old daughter. Well while the three were walking to their hotel room the daughter asked her parents what were the other men and women were doing and they told her that they were making a cake.So that night the mother and the father were in the room while the daughter was sleep in the livingroom of the hotel. And the daughter heard the noises of the so called”Cake baking”. When they got up in the mornig the daughter asked the mother and the father what was all the noises and they told her they was baking a cake and she said well I licked all the iceing off the cake.