I hate my brother Chris, you know what I say to him.
Shut up, I’ll stuff you in a garbage bag and beat yu with a 2by4!
Ask Your Boss for a Raise when…
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Not My Time!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”
God Replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”
3 Men, 3 Wishes
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ”Beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’
Two women were knitting away one day. They…
Two women were knitting away one day. They were both pregnant. the first one said, i hope i have a boy. the other one says, why? and she says, because i`m knitting a blue jumper! The second one says, i hope i have a spastic! the other says, why? and she says, cause i just fucked up the arms!!!
Yo mama is so stupid
Hab�a un bandido que despu�s
Hab�a un bandido que despu�s de atacar sexualmente a las j�venes, les pon�a una madriza hasta dejarlas medio muertas. En ese pueblo hab�a una mujer, tan pero tan fea, que nadie le hac�a el favor, y la pobre estaba muy desesperada porque a sus 34 a�os a�n no hab�a hecho el amor.
En el colmo de la desesperaci�n, la f�mina sali� en la noche, sin importarle el riesgo, para ver si se le hac�a con el ‘Violador Madreador’ y se sent� en una banca del parque a esperar.
Como a eso de las 12 de la noche se le aparece �ste y le dice:
“�Ag�rrate mamacita, porque soy el ‘Violador Madreador’!”
La toma entre sus brazos y empieza a desnudarla, en eso, un destello de luz da en el rostro de la dama, el violador la ve a la cara y le avisa:
“Este… �Sabes qu�? A ti nada m�s te voy a madrear”.
Herpes Prevention
Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
“Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data
to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to
K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does
the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two
digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We’ll await your direction.”
What’s up?
Is That Bull Safe?
A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.The young man called out to him, “Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?!”To which the farmer shouted back, “Safe as anything! Can’t say the same about you, though!”
Q: How many light
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : – A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself… It does come from the mathematician Goedel – partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)