Yours Fun Portal !
A cowboy was captured by a group of Indians. They told him, “you will die in 3 days, we will grant you one wish a day!” So the cowboy asked to talk to his horse. He spoke to the horse and the horse returned with a naked blonde. Well needless to say the man had a good night. The next day the Indian told him, “you have 2 days to live, I will grant you one wish!” So the cowboys asks to talk to his horse. yet again the horse leaves and brings back a naked redhead. The man had another good night. The last day the Indain told him, “you have 1 day to live, I will give you one wish!” So the man asks to talk to his horse. And he grabs the horse by the ear and yells, “Posey, Posey!”
two sisters with there family came frome Rassia to our cantry Ethiopia this year for the first time. me and the elder sister were talking about our difrenses when suddenly came the topic of calender. she was saying”how come your calender is 1997?” ” thats becase we were created 7 years after you” i joked her little sister interepted and sayed “is that becase you gays dont have a snow.”
“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news–they may
have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a
camel.”
– David Letterman
***
“The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the
people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It
thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress
dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension,
the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the State.”
– Joseph M. Goebbels
***
A man was doing a study of children’s senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, “What is the flavor, and what color is it?” The children began to say, “Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange.” Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can’t decipher the taste. “Well,” he said, “I’ll give you a clue. It’s what your mother would call your father.” One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: “Everybody spit it out, they’re assholes!”
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
You mow your lawn and find your long lost convertible.
You mistake the offering plates for an ashtray.
You make change in the offering plate.
You go to family reunions to meet girls.
You call your boss dude.
When you see a sign that says no to crack you pull up your pants.
When your amazed that your son finally said his first word and
he is 21.
When your 5 year old can count higher than you.
When somebody yells hoe down your girfriend drops to the floor.
You go racoon hunting on your honeymoon.
* If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!
* If HP made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
* If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
* If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
* If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
* If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
* If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
* If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
* If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
* If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!
Clone of My Own(To the tune of “Home on the Range”)Oh, give me a clone,With the genes like my own,But convert my Y to an X.And since she’s like me,It’s a sure certainty,That she’ll think of nothing but sex.(Chorus)Clone, clone of my own,Who’s always eager to play,Means we’ll have great fun,And I’ll only need one,So please get her started today.As long as you’re mixing,Some genes could use fixing,To make her the best she can be.Blond hair and blue eyes,And a skinnier size,And an IQ a bit less than me.(chorus)Please send me my clone,Just as soon as she’s grown,Past the virtual age of eighteen.I’m tired of dating,And eagerly waiting,To make it on the cloning scene.(chorus)
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please. So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.”
White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into
the Oval Office with a pair of woman’s panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat used
to the president’s tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one
left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President’s
personal business.