On a beautiful day like this, it’s hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.
The Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten
apples.”” The king then explained the trial to him. “”You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you’ll be eaten.””
The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out
in pain
Nelson Manela
Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when
there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard,
pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, “You sign,
you sign!”
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man’s nose,
gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, “You sign, you sign!”
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he’s back with two truckloads
of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells, “Look, I don’t want these. Do you
understand? You have the wrong person.”
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, “Ah soh. You not
Nissan Main dealer?”
What was the White House
You Might Be A Redneck
Bin laden, sadam hussane and a camel
bin laden, sadam hussane were sitting in a cave thinking of ways to bomb the U.S.A. and bin laden had his camel with him.
A man walks in lifts up the camels tail then walks out, then another man walks in lifts up the camels tail then walks out.
Sadam is looking a bit puzzled so he gose and asks a gard outside “why are people coming in the cave
Always Been a Doubt
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.”You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.” His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.”While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.” The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.”So did anything happen?””I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.”The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.” “Then what happened?” says the man.”I don’t know. It was too dark to see.” “Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Querid�simo esposo:
Me parece que has mal interpretado las cosas. Aqu� van las razones por las que no conseguiste m�s de lo que tuviste.
Volver borracho: 14 veces
No volver a casa: 30 veces
No volver temprano: 18 veces
Volver demasiado temprano: 29 veces
Se te puso floja antes de tiempo: 16 veces
Calambres en las piernas: 11 veces
No se te par�: 34 veces
Medio se te par�: 25 veces
Te la machucaste con el cierre: 13 veces
Ten�as resfriado y te goteaba la nariz: 17 veces
El caf� estaba muy caliente y te quem� la lengua: 09 veces
Me lo quisiste hacer por atr�s pensando que era por delante: 12 veces
Se te pasaron las ganas despu�s de pensar en ello demasiado: 36 veces
Te viniste en la pijama despu�s de leer un libro porno: 15 veces
Por cierto, las veces que permanec� ah� acostada simplemente, fue debido a que te saliste y te dedicaste a hacerlo con las s�banas. Parec�as tan entusiasmado, que no quise moverme y arruinarte el placer. Y la vez que me levant� y me puse a respirar agitadamente, fue porque en tus movimientos pasionales se te sali�… �un pedo!
Atentamente
Tu esposa.
Ransom
Year after year, little Johnny had been askin for a bikefor
Christmas, but never got one, Every year his mom kept sayin,
“Write a letter to Jesus, maybe he’ll give you one.”
And so the boy continued to write to Jesus, then, one year,
he begged his mother, and his mother returned with the lame
reply, “Write to Jesus.”
The little boy ran up to his room and began to write a note
to Jesus, and it started as:
Dear Jesus,
This year I’ve been a good boy…
The boy crumpled up the paper cause he knew he wasn’t good,
and crumpled similar letters as well.
The following Sunday the little Johnny went to church with
his family. At the end of mass, when his family awaited for him
in the car, he grabbed the statue of the Virgin Mary, and took
it home with him.
That night he began to write a letter to Jesus and it read
as:
“Dear Jesus,
I got your mommy now gimme my bike!”
Teacher’s Pet
It is a teacher’s last day, and all the students want to show
their appreciation for her by giving her a present. The
chocolatier’s son brings her a box of fine gourment truffles,
florist’s daughter brings her a bouquet of flowers, and the
liquor store owner son comes in with a heavy box. The teacher
notices it’s leaking on one side, and takes a drop of the liquid
and tastes it. “Champagne”?” The boy says no. “Brandy”? Again he
says no. Finally the teacher says “I give up. And the liquor
store owners son say’s “a puppy!”
Clinton’s Genitalia
Va un tipo en su
Va un tipo en su coche por la carretera, cuando ve un letrero en una desviaci�n:
“Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad, 1 Km”.
Al tipo le pica la curiosidad y se dirige hacia all�. Al final del camino, se encuentra un convento antiguo con un letrero que dice:
“Burdel de las Hermanitas de la Caridad”.
El degenerado tipo llama al port�n y le abre una monjita, quien lo hace pasar. En la entrada de un pasillo se encuentra otra monjita con un cepo y un letrero que dice:
“Pague por adelantado: $500 pesos”.
El fulano saca sus $500, los mete al cepo, y se va por el pasillo. Al final del pasillo hay una puerta, el tipo la abre y va a dar al lugar en donde dej� su coche. All� ve un letrero que dice:
“Se lo han cogido las Hermanitas de la Caridad. Vuelva pronto”.