Why does the University of Tennesse football team
wear orange to all their Saturday games?
So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday,
and to work on Monday.
TAKING IT WITH YOU
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he
had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your
wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears
and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with
him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold
bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St.
Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are
allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting
it through.”
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found
too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!”
First time at Football
Anagram of President Clinton of the USA
The Drowding Blonde
A quote on marriage
yo momma is so fat you have to grease the…
yo momma is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her threw
yo momma so fat she woke up and fell off on both sides of the bed
yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her as the new world
yo momma so fat she sat on the toilet and if it could talk it would say abcdefg get your fat butt off of me hijklmnop hurry up your squishing me
Preparing for skiing
Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $
8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing.
Hab�a 2 aventureros argentinos en
Hab�a 2 aventureros argentinos en la selva misionera… pasaron largos d�as explorando y sobreviviendo. Cuando estaban llegando a Posadas, uno sin querer se cruza con una serpiente venenosa con tan mala suerte que �sta lo muerde en sus genitales; entonces el tipo cae al suelo y le grita al amigo:
�Ap�rate! �No te quedes ah� parado! �Anda a buscar un m�dico!
El otro sale disparando y llega a Posadas… all� encuentra a un m�dico y le dice:
“Doctor, a mi amigo lo mordi� una serpiente venenosa. �Qu� hago?”
“Bueno, primero debe succionar en la herida, y luego me lo trae…”
Entonces el tipo vuelve al lugar donde estaba su pobre amigo todo retorcido y herido que al verlo llegar le pregunta:
“�Y? �Qu� te dijo el m�dico?
“Y… que te vas a morir nom�s…”
Viagra again and again….
Potential Viagra Slogans:10. ‘Viagra, The quicker dicker upper’ 9. ‘Viagra, One-a-day, like iron’ 8. ‘Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight’ 7. ‘Viagra, Home of the whopper’ 6. ‘Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em’ 5. ‘Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’ 4. ‘Viagra, Tastes great, more filling’ 3. ‘Viagra, Six inches long… and growing.’ 2. ‘Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to’ …..and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. ‘This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?’—————————Q. What’s the difference betwen an Irish and a Jewish husband?A. The first buys Viagra; the second buys Pfizer. ————————–An Oregon resident made enough capital gain on his Pfizer stock to buy himself a new Mercedes Convertable. He then tried to honor the product which had caused the stock runup by buying the vanity license plate ‘VIAGRA.’ The DMV refused to register it; mumbling some bureaucratic blather about the word he was seeking being on a list of ‘controlled substances’ forbidden on Oregon Vanity License plates. When he counter-argued that it was a LEGAL ethical product, they then muttered something about it being a copyrighted word.