Yours Fun Portal !
The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.
“Congratulations!” said the clerk looking at the bride. “Would you like the bridal then?”
“No thanks,” said the woman.
“I’ll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!”
I have recently discovered that Barney the purple dinosaur is
the pied piper leading our children into the clutches of eternal
damnation. Who else but such a hayness character could be
causing drug wars, school violence, and such?! So instead of “I
love you” make your children sing this (Not only will it save
them, but teach them some useful adult information.)
(To the tune of “I love You”)…
I hate you, you hate me
lets join up and kill Barney
With a forty-four shot gun
hit him at the door
no more purple dinosaur!
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is “liquor-enabled.”
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald’s.
G is a Glutton who says he’s “food-centered.”
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an “Ism” (you’d better believe it).
J is a Jingoist – love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can’t call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see “O” above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that’s brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for “Woman,” however it’s spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead
A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in your establishment really gold?””Yes,” he replied, “everything is gold colored.””Even the urinal?” she queried.The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.”
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.
1st he went to his Brother and asked “Could you give me a spelling word?” His Brother answered “ShutUp” So he wrote down Shutup.
2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered “Certainly” He wrote down certinly.
3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.
4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered “In my Little Blue Car”
The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked “Do you want to go to the principles office?” He said is second word “Certainly”. In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered “Lolipop!!” Then the principal asked “What do you think your punishment should be?” The boy answered “To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!”
Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. “What’s the matter?”
asked his mother. “Papa was hanging pictures and he just hit his thumb with a
hammer,” said Jerry. “That’s not so serious,”
soothed his mother. “A big man like you shouldn’t cry at a trifle like that.
Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did,” sobbed Jerry.