Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator. . .10 minutes longer. . .no dictator.One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”
The Top 14 Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities
14> Pete Rose — “Wanna bet?”
13> Martha Stewart — “D’oh!”
12> Carmen Electra — “Twenty bucks, same as in town.”
11> Jessica Simpson — “Huh?”
10> Howard Dean — “YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
9> Jennifer Lopez — “Okay, but I’m keeping the ring.”
8> Al Gore — “I demand a recount!”
7> R. Kelly — “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
6> Bobby Brown — “I get the top bunk.”
5> Courtney Love — “Does this look infected?”
4> Carson Daly — “Heh, heh. Check the list again — I’m sure I’m on it.”
3> Heidi Fleiss — “Make it out to ‘cash.'”
2> Bob Costas — “Down here.”
1> Vanilla Ice — “Please pull around to the second window.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Net Addict
You know you are addicted to the Internet when…
You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
The Parrots
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”
She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.
So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”
One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”
Alphabet for the bathroom
It was a average day in Bobby’s first grade class. Around 11:00 he had to go to the bathroom, so he raised his hand and ask the teacher. The teacher noticed this pattern and asked him a question ” Bobby, if you want to go to the restroom, you have to recite the A-B-C’s” Bobby being a below average student slowly recited “a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z” The teacher noticed that he was missing a letter so the teacher replied “Umm..Bobby, what happen to the p?” Bobby replied “Oh, I’m sorry Ms.Swanson, but its runnung down my leg
Stepping on Ducks
One day, a woman died and went to heaven. An angel met her at
the gateway to heaven and said “Welcome to heaven. Everything
here is perfect. You may do whatever you want. The only
exception is, there are ducks walking around everywhere. You may
not step on any of them, or you will be punished. After a year,
if you have not stepped on any ducks, you will be rewarded.” The
woman agreed so the angel took her into heaven. She discovered a
chain linked to her wrist, though she had no idea why, but then
she realized that everyone else did, too. After awhile, the
woman began to watch other people and see what happened. She saw
a really pretty woman step on a duck because it had gotten
in her way. She saw the angel go up to the woman, talk to her,
and then chain her to an ugly man. The man said, “Wow, you are
the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman said, “And
you are so ugly I can’t believe I stepped on that damn duck.”
After that she saw a handsome man step on a duck and swear. The
angel went over to him and talked to him. Then he walked over to
the woman and said, “You have been good, so you are going to be
rewarded.” The woman was excited to see what her reward was. The
angel then took the man by his chain and hooked it to the
woman’s. The woman said, “Wow, you are the hottest man I’ve ever
seen.”
Long Faces
The mouse and the viagra
A un hombre le toca
A un hombre le toca la loter�a y se va a celebralo al puticlub m�s caro de Madrid. Al llegar pide la puta m�s cara del local. El jefe le manda a una habitaci�n y le dice que se vaya desnudando.
Aparece una puta vestida �nicamente con un liguero y un delantal, tirando de un carrito de helados.
La puta le pone una bola de chocolate en la puntita del capullo, despu�s una de lim�n, m�s tarde una de fresa, finalmente lo recubre todo con nata y lo adorna con sirope de fresa y dos barquillos. Entonces dice:
“Y ahora, te la voy a comer entera.”
A lo que �l responde:
“�Est�s loca, ahora me la como yo!”
Top Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airl
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take
this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation
devices.
2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make
your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go
back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..
7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different
than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway…
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the in-flight movie.
11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh
noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E…
13. Get the parachutes ready…
14. Drinks are on me…
15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having…
16. Hey capt’n take another hit man…
Gay Men and A Baby
Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.
Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!
So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.
Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.
The nurse, hearing this, said “He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!
Life Insurance Sales
Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:”If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.””Now,” he concluded, “which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?”