A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush
appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and
mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at
the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few
minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the
television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man. This time, a customer at the
other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off
his stool. “Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be
Bush country!” “Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”
Grading of Final Exams
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and – would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A
Yo ugly fat mama
Pick in hand
Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it’s a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting “Mummy Mummy, I’ve got a thorn in my finger – get some apple juice!”
Mum says: “But why do you want apple juice – wouldn’t a bandage be nicer?”
And the little girl says : “Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider.”
An elderly lady did her
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.
Sightings Of Sharp Individuals
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, “sure.” The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???”
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.”
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Individual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Your momma
They take the psycho path
Saddaam killed his wife!!
Dos caballeros que se mov�an
Dos caballeros que se mov�an muy de prisa en el interior de un Hipermercado con sus carritos de compras se chocan. Uno le dice al otro:
“Perd�neme Usted es que busco a mi se�ora”.
“Que coincidencia yo tambi�n, estoy ya desesperado…”
“Bueno tal vez te pueda ayudar. �C�mo es su se�ora?”
“Es alta, de pelo casta�o claro, piernas bien torneadas, pechos firmes, en fin muy bonita… �y la tuya?”
“Olv�date de la m�a, busquemos a la tuya…”
Bad golfer
A Hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”