In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?””Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!””That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I’m a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?”
Hillbillies
African Vacation
A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says “Doctor I got this problem”.
“What is your problem?” replies the doctor.
“Well I’ll show you” . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .
How did you manage that?” asks the doctor . . . “Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.
Doctor says “hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.”
The man replies, “I know …. but he fingered me first”
Why do ‘tug’ boats push
Aussie Radio Call-In Show
(Remember the Aussie accent)
The radio show was Queensland FM
The host was Jim
The phone-in competition was give us a word that’s not in the Oxford
English Dictionary and make a sentence with it
Prize is a fortnight for two in Los Angeles, USA!
Jim: Hi what’s your name and word please ?
Caller: This is Bob from the Bush and my word is gaan.
Jim: Thanks Bob, hang on a mo while we check in the dictionary. It’s
not there, so for two weeks in L.A, make a sentence:
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself
Jim immediately hangs up and says “Ladies and gents, this is a family
show so no more dirty calls please
There are many more calls. 45 minutes and as many unsuccessful
contestants later….
Jim: Hi, this is Jim at QFM what’s your name and word ?
Caller: This is Steve from Perth and my word is smee
Jim: Thanks Steve, just checking and yes smee doesn’t appear in the OED
so lets have your sentence
Caller: Smee again, gaan fuck yourself !!!
Did you hear about t
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.When asked what the capital of California was; answered “C”Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system:…
Make Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?””It’s simple,” replied the girl.”You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
The Bridge
There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge!” the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge!” The Australian said, “Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge!” so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a cheese sandwich!” so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a vegemite sandwich!” so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, “I don’t understand, he makes his own lunch!”.
How to kill a Blonde
Rejected Hallmark Cards
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!”
“Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.”
“You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me…
— Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you…
— It’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
Punishment for Kicking the Cat
A family of three lived in a small farm: the parents and a kid.
One day dad went off to work and mom told the boy what his
chores were for that day: First feed the pigs, then put the
chickens back in the cage, and then let the cows out in the
field to graze.
The boy went out to feed the pigs. He was in a very bad mood for
having to do such stupid chores, but he didn’t want to disobey
his mom so he fed the pigs like he should; but he hit them with
sticks and grumbled to himself. Next he went to put the chickens
in their cage; but while putting them into the cage he started
kicking and yelling at them. And last he went to let the cows
out in the field; since he was still in a bad mood he started
chasing the cows and yelling at them.
Mom saw all this happen and when the boy came back from his
chores she told him, “I saw the way you threw stuff at the pigs,
so for a week you don’t get any bacon for breakfast. I also saw
the way you kicked and yelled at the chickens so for one week no
eggs or chicken. I also saw the way you chased the cows while
putting them out in the field, so no hamburgers for you for a
week.”
Later that day, the dad came home from a terrible day at work.
As the dad walked up to the house he almost tripped over the
cat. “Damn cat!” So he kicked it really hard.
The boy turned to his mom and asked, “Should I tell him or
should you?”