your mama is so fat,she has to go to a auto park just to get her nails clipped.
Denounce the Devil
The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Top 10 ways you know your a redneck
10. You scratch your back with a toilet brush.
9. your dad walks you to school because you are in the same
grade.
8. you call 5th grade your senior year.
7. your grandma and your aunt went to a funeral and the faught
over who was the window.
6. you watch Joe Dirt and you don’t get it
5. your name is Joe Dirt.
4. you think Kid Rock is a World leader.
3. you stare at the orange juice box for hours because it say
concentrate.
2. your pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.
1. you have been married 4 times and you still have the same
in-laws
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
How Cold Is It?
40oF Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35oF Italian cars don’t start.
32oF Water freezes.
30oF You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.
25oF Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
20oF Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.
15oF N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
12oF You plan a vacation to Mexico.
10oF Too cold to snow
5oF You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
3oF You plan a vacation in Houston.
0oF Too cold to skate. American cars don’t start.
-5oF You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
-10oF Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
-15oF Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-20oF You plan a 2-week hot bath.
-25oF The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don’t start.
-30oF Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button…
Below -30oF The kids call home from college. End of the world:
Eating
Rude Doctor!
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”
The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”
“Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –
“Hey, I’m just messinging with you, dude…
You don’t have to do all that stuff – she’s dead!”
Taking the Genera’s Temprature
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest and on, and on.One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you,” and withdrew.An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?””Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.”Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”
White Gown?
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”.
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”
The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is.
You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…”
Real Police Stories.
The following are actual incidents reported…
#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Pepito estaba en el kinder
Pepito estaba en el kinder y un d�a le dice a su mam� que ten�a un festival el viernes en la escuela. La mam� muy entusiasmada le pregunta que si de que lo iba a vestir, a lo que Pepito responde que de castor.
Su mam� gast� mas de 1000 pesos pues quer�a que su hijo fuera el mejor del festival.
En fin, ese d�a Pepito le dice a su madre que si quiere que le cante la canci�n y ella dice que s�.
Y Pepito empieza a cantar:
“Los castooores a Bel�n coooorrren pre su rooooo sos…”
How The Rich Get Richer
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, ‘We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?’ The business man replied: ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?’