you are so fat that when you went on a diving bord every one screamed mini van!
Art Critic
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”
Deshaci�ndose del gato Toda angustiada,
Deshaci�ndose del gato
Toda angustiada, una mujer se dirige con su amiga y le comenta que el gato que compr� la tiene harta. La amiga le sugiere deshacerse de �l dej�ndolo en el basurero municipal. Al d�a siguiente, la mujer regresa nuevamente triste. Intrigada, la amiga le pregunta que qu� hab�a pasado con el gato y �sta le contesta:
“�El maldito gato volvi� a la casa y no se perdi�!”
“Esta vez vas al basurero y m�s adelante vas a encontrar un lago; dale dos vueltas y d�jalo en el �rbol que est� junto al lago. Ver�s que el gato no vuelve m�s a tu casa”.
Al d�a siguiente llega nuevamente triste:
“�El maldito gato regres� a la casa!”
“Bueno, esta vez te vas al basurero y sigues hasta el lago; le das dos vueltas y llegas al �rbol; pasas por el puente y te metes por el t�nel que hay all�. Al salir, bajas las escaleras que te llevan al zool�gico; das treinta pasos y sales por la puerta de emergencia; lo dejas en el pozo y ver�s que el gato no vuelve m�s a la casa”.
Al otro d�a cuando llega la amiga, curiosa la mujer le pregunta:
“�Qu� pas�?”
“Si no es por el maldito gato… �Me pierdo!”
Black
At an university, a lecture about trees is in progress. The lecturer explains
that different trees produce different kinds of nuts. Some of the nuts are round
shaped, some angular in shape, some are green, some are brown etc. Only one tree
in the world has black nuts. Professor names that tree in Latin. Then Professor
notices that one female student is not listening to him, but is fully absorbed
in reading a book. He approaches her, and, pointing a finger at her, shoots a
question, “Whose nuts are black?”
Startled, the student replies, “Those of blacky.”
Stained Underwear
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, “Use more soap on panties.”
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. “Use more soap on panties.”
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, “Use more paper on ass.”
FIRE BLOND
A RED,BLOND,AND A BRUEET WHERE TAKEN HOSTAGE BYE BANK ROBBERS AND WERE ASKED IF THEY HAD ANY LAST WORDS. THE RED HEAD SAID TWISTER AND THE ROBBERS DUCK AND SHE GOT AWAY. THE BRUNEET SAID FLOOD THEY DUCK AND SHE GOT AWAY. THEY GO UP TO THE BLOND AND PUT HER AT GUN PUT AND THEY ASK HER IF SHE HAS ANY LAST WORDS AND SHE SAYS FIRE.
Pasos que deben de seguir
Pasos que deben de seguir los hombres para hacer feliz a una mujer:
Reg�lele flores
Ll�vela a pasear cada noche
C�mprele un auto nuevo
Ll�nela de prendas
Escr�bale un poema a la semana
C�ntele una canci�n al atardecer
D�gale que sin ella usted se muere
B�sele los ojos con ternura
Acar�ciela como si fuese un beb�
Desn�dela con la boca
H�gale el amor despacio y a media luz
Refi�rase a las dem�s mujeres con desprecio
Sus�rrele al o�do sus m�s dulces palabras de amor
Contr�tele una empleada dom�stica
B�squele un chofer
Regrese a su casa siempre despu�s del trabajo
No tome cervezas
No vea f�tbol
D�le el remoto de la tele a ella
Pasos que deben de seguir las mujeres para hacer feliz a un hombre:
�Ch�pesela!
Women’s instructions
Bill and Monica were made for each other
When you can’t have sex anymore…
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
THE BLONDE AND THE TREE
A blonde was driving down the highway and was swerving all over the place.Finally she was pulled over by a state trooper and he asked her what the problem was she says there are all these trees in the road .The trooper looks out of the car and loks back and says lady those are your air fresheners.