Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:”Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.””Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!””Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Lone Ranger and Tonto
F##king magic
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show.
He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.
Nobody puts their hand up except one man.
David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.
The man says, “For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table.”
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it.
He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her underwear and takes her from behind.
David Copperfield is horrified and says, “That’s not a trick!!”
To which the man replies, “I know, but it’s fucking magic.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Redneck computer term
Titantic Coffee
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.You can’t have everything, where would you put it?Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Neighbors baby
Little Johnny’s neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.” “Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses”
Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”
The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna
12. “Like a virgin?” Yeah, right. How ’bout “Like ten pounds off my lard ass?”
11. “Shanghai Surprise” now the name of her entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
10. Stopped ordering unwanted pizzas to Janet Jackson’s home.
9. Now only stalked by Danny from the Diaper Service.
8. Old book: “Sex” New book: “Tupperware”
7. Much easier for paparazzi to follow a mini-van going 16mph with a stuck turn signal.
6. When she appears on talk shows and swears like a construction worker, she now adds, “Pardon my f**kin’ French.”
5. Spends less time trying to defy critics, more time trying to defy gravity.
4. Hasn’t yet slept with new personal trainer, Richard Simmons.
3. Out: Warren Beatty In: Ned Beatty
2. Wears new 18-Hour Underwire Cone Nursing Bra with Child Safety Caps.
1. The Christian Coalition has downgraded her from “Dangerous Slut” to “Has a Good Beat.”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]Love to Fish
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”
“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”
“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”
A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”
“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”
The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”
“Yeah, but she’s got phyrrea(mouth rot); and you know how I love to fish…”
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”
“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”
Work Phrases
Things You Wish You Could Say at Work, but Probably Shouldn’t
Well, aren’t we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!!
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.