Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Talking with God
One day a man walked into a church and began to pray. He asked GOD, “GOD, how what’s a million years to you?” GOD replies, “A second.” Then the man askes GOD another question, “GOD, what’s a million dollars to you?” GOD replies, “A penny.” Then the man asks another question. “GOD, can I have a penny?” GOD replies, “In a second!”
Baaaad News
You can count on me
Tomatos
Feels great…
A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, “I feel great, just great”. Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, “I feel great, honey!”
She replies,. “Well you look terrible”!
He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, “She’s probably in a bad mood, can’t appreciate my good feelings”. Meets his best friend, Joe and says, “Joe, I feel great”.
Joe looks at him and says “Jeez, you really look terrible”! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, “Maybe I’ve got some unusual disease or something.” He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, “Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible.”
The physician replies, “Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up.” The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: “Feels great, looks great, no that’s not you”. “Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that’s not you”. “Feels great, looks terrible…Yes that’s you… “It says here you’re a vagina!”
Frantic call
Drum joke
Worm Eating
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!” Trying to convince him further, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.””No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.”Why not?””Because I ate her first!”
Singing in the bar
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using
sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly. The
bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned
you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
“If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN
THE BAR!”
A man rushed into a bar
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with
one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the
bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and
tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss
standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said,
“Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double
martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”
Signs You’ll Soon Be Unemployed
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss was standing behind you. It’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”.
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.