Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
3 Guys On an Island
There were 3 guys on this island. They find a magic lamp and rub it. The Genie Comes out and says I’ll grant you each one wish, so the first guy says I want to go home to my wife and my kids. So he goes back home. The second guy says well I also would like to go home to my wife and kids. So he goes back home. The third guy says well I’m not really sure. 20 minutes later he comes back and says I know what I want! I want my 2 friends back!
A newer guy in Bar
Mad Genie
A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, “normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1.”
The man thinks a minute and says, “Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.” She says, “So be it!”, and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
Low Bridge Ahead
A truck driver was driving along and passed a sign that said “low bridge
ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under
it.
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car. He walked around
to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver said, “No officer. I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas!”
Underneath every successful man there is a…
Dead Bird
Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog…
Top 10 – things only women understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And the number one thing only women understand:
1. Other women!!!
Karate Chop
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”
Poopie!!!!!
Great Tips and Suggestions
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.