one day a boy said mommy how old are you and the mom said thats one thing you never ask a woman, and then the boy said mommy how much do you weight? and the mom said thats one thing you never ask a woman, and then he said mommy why did you and daddy get divorced? and she said once agian thats something you never ask a woman…so the boy left to look at her drivers liscenes and came back and said mommmy i know how old you are really? replied the mom, he said yea 25 years old and then he said mommy i know how much you weigh too…and the mom replied really? and the boy said yes 130 lbs then the mom said and im guessing you know why me and daddy got a divorece right??? and the boy said right, because you got an F in sex.
The cat diet!
CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
We are being invaded
President Clinton was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
“Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “there’s good news and bad news.”
“Oh, no…” muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.”
“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet.”
“Gosh, and the good news?”
“The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”
This guy walks into a small town bar…
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons ”46!!” Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out ”39!!” Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts ”14!!” Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender ”What is going on?”
The bartender says ”This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full”
The visitor is astounded ”Let me try!!” he says- So he shouts ”46!!” Nothing happens ”39!!” Still nothing. ”14!!” and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender ”I don’t understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, ”Well, some folks can tell a joke……. and some folks can’t”
Penuts! Popcorn!
President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:
Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, “They accuse me of intervening in Angola…” and a man going through the audience called out, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”
Castro went on: “They say I�m intervening in Mozambique…” and the same loud voice shouted, “Peanuts! Popcorn!
Castro continued: “They say I�m intervening in Nicaragua…” and the voice yelled again, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”
By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, “Bring that man who is shouting ‘Peanuts! Popcorn!’ to me, and I�ll kick him all the way to Miami.”
And everybody in the audience started shouting, “Peanuts! Popcorn!”
So Funny!
3 blondes are stranded on an island and they are trying to find a way off.
A magician comes along and says he will grant each of them one wish.
The first blond wishes that she was 1,000 times smarter so she gets that
and builds herself a plane and gets off the island. The second blonde
wishes to be 10,000 times smarter so when she is, she builds a boat and
sails off the island. The third one wishes to be a redhead so when she is,
she walks onto the bridge and onto the mainland.
Little Pussy
Seen on a virgin’s tombstone:…
Poison
Stop Masturbating!
My boy(s) Leroy!
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”