Honeymoon Pictures

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for
bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and
he is astonished with her beauty.

“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture.” Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He
answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new
wife asks, “Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now.” The
man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get
a picture”. He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED”!

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gay spiders

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A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs ?” the little girlasked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having THAT sort of poofter shit in our
garden.”

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Great bar

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Two guys wandered into a bar.

One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, “Hiya, Mike, set ’em up for me and my pal here.”

Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!”

“That’s not so great,” responded the friend. “There’s a bar across town that’ll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free.”

“Where is this place?” the first guy exclaimed.

“Oh, I don’t know,” the dim fellow replied, “But my wife goes there all the time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Rats

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A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?” “$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.

“Ah ha,” says the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” says the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.”

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Seeing Eye Dogs

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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy
with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get
something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go
in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman
Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very
good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the
door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the
Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the
Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

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Duck Hunting

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A duck hunter killed four ducks. He put them into his bag and began to walk home. The game warden stopped him and said, “So, your a duck hunter?”

“Yes sir, I am”

The warden sticks his thumb up the first duck’s ass and says, ” This duck is from New York, do you have a New York hunting license?”

The hunter replies, “Yes I do.” and he shows it.

The warden checks the other ducks, the same way, and says, “My, my, you have ducks from NY, VT, CT and NH! Where are you from?”

The hunter turns around, bends over and pulls down his pants, and says, “I don’t know…why don’t you tell me?”

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Never Beat Anyone

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One girl’s parents beat her, so she had to go to court to decide
who she would stay with, the judge asked her, “Little girl,
would you like to stay with your mommy?” The little girl said,
“No. my mommy beats me.” So then the judge asked if the little
girl wanted to stay with her daddy. The little girl said, “No,
my daddy beats me.” After that the judge gave up and said,
“Little girl, if you don’t want to stay with your mommy or
daddy, who do you want to stay with?” The little girl simply
replied, “I want to stay with the Rams, they never beat anyone!”

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