Camels ass

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A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn’t matter much, so could I see yours?”

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

“May I touch them?” The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks “Father, I have never seen a man’s penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

“May I touch it?” After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, “you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!”

“Is that right” the nun replies?

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!”

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Advice for Women

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If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors

buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,

buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

Then ………….

Buy a cat.

(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)

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More Redneck Clues.

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Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

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A kiss on a train

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FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old–who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it

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Bran Muffins

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An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

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DOJ sues Ford Motor Co.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Wednesday, 22 October 1998WASHINGTON — The Justice Department today filed suit against Ford Motor Company, alleging that Ford’s practice of ‘bundling’ radios with its cars was a monopolistic restriction of trade, and an unfair competitive practice against makers of car radios such as Alpine and Pioneer.’We feel that it is wrong for Ford to give away what other companies charge for,’ said Joe Klein, head of the DOJ’s antitrust division. ‘Furthermore, requiring that Ford dealers deliver cars to consumers with radios preinstalled restricts consumer choice.’Justice demanded that Ford immediately cease shipping cars with radios, and that it provide current Ford owners with easy instructions for removing their existing radios. Klein also asked a judge to impose a $1,000,000 per day fine on Ford for each day it failed to comply. ‘Usually, antitrust fines are about $10,000 per day,’ Klein said. Klein called the amount of the requested fine ‘unprecendented’, but then said, ‘Well, you know, what the hell.’

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Una hermosa mujer estaba paseando

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Una hermosa mujer estaba paseando por un �rea rural, cuando vio una huerta y se le ocurri� entrar. Ya dentro, encontr� una hermosa piscina y, como no se ve�a nadie alrededor, decidi� nada totalmente desnuda. As� que vio para todos lados, no vio a nadie y se desvisti�. Cuando estaba a punto de tirarse al agua, apareci� el due�o de la huerta, que hab�a estado escondido todo el tiempo detr�s de unos arbustos y le dijo que estaba prohibido nadar.

“�Pod�a haberme dicho eso antes de que me desvistiera!”, le reclam� ella.

“�Est� prohibido nadar, pero no desvestirse!”

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