Q: Why did the umpire penalize the chicken?
A: For using fowl language.
Question: What do you tell a bitch with two…
Santa’s gardens
What do you call 500
He who hesitates is sometimes
Peanut butter & jam
A guy says to his wife, “I’m in the mood for some 69.”
She says, “It’s that time of the month, but if you don’t care, I don’t care.”
They go into the bedroom, and are 69’ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, “Answer the door.”
He says, “But my face is a mess.”
She says, “It’s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”
He opens the door and says, “I’m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich.”
The mailman says, “I wasn’t looking at the jam on your mouth…I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.”
Wrong email address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: January 13, 2005
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
~~
Editor’s note: Variation on an old postal theme, but still a good one.
Un paisano va a un
Un paisano va a un campo de f�tbol y observa que todos los espectadores llevan una escopeta. Intrigado, le pregunta a uno que por qu� la llevan y �ste le contesta que cuando el equipo local marca un gol, todos disparan al cielo para celebrarlo.
“�Y cuando marcan los visitantes?”
“Eso no ha pasado aqu� nunca”, contesta secamente el hombre.
Christmas Morning
Early one Christmas morning, Suzy, a shapely young woman was sitting by the fireplace eagerly but patiently awaiting the arrival of old St.Nick. After a few hours and even a few more heavily laced bourbon egg-nogs she heard a noise on the roof and sure enough Santa was soon standing before her.
“Have you been naughty or nice this year?”” he asked.
Suzy had been nice all damn year and was ready to do the other thing. While Santa placed his gifts around the tree Suzy was busy taking off her blouse. He turned around and heard her say “”Santa…can you please stay?””
Thinking of all the childeren who were awaiting presents
I’ll have the same thing he’s having”.
Jerry Farwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!”
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m
sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s having”.
In The Beginning…
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose
profession was the oldest.
The doctor said, “Well, in the beginning, God created Eve out of
Adam and that was a surgical procedure.”
The engineer said, “Yes, but God also created order out of chaos
and that was an engineering move.”
And the lawyer replied, “Yes, but who created chaos?” (from
Rotarian Richard Anderson)
Rubber on the end…
A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!”