Q: What do you call a black guy with acne?
A: Nestle Crunch Bar.
Clinton Lovin’
Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast”
Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast”
Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me”
Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees”
Bill: “Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “try to remember your best”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he come on your dress?”
Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp”
Monica: “The prez is sexy – he makes my panties damp”
Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House”
Monica: “I said OK, just don’t come in my mouth”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “he sounds like a swell guy”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he tell you to lie?”
Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess”
Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress”
Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow”
Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now”
Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But………oh, Those
White House Nights”
Fart Glossary
ART FART= it’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don’t stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You can’t control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every ‘can’ and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You can’t hear it, you can’t see it, and you can’t smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When you’re home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as ‘gas’.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper “PIG!”U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a “Unidentified Foul Odor”.
Alcoholic Side-Effec
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Farmer’s Daughters
One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.
The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, “Hi my name is Joe, I’m here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough.”
The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, “the date says hi, I’m Freddy, I’m here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti.” The farmer goes sure.
Then the last date comes to the door. “he say hi, my name is Chuc-k…”The farmer goes “Get the hell out of my house!!!
Appetite
A woman asks her husband, “Would you like bacon and eggs for your breakfast?”
He declines, saying, “It’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “How about a bowl of homemade soup or a cheese sandwich, perhaps?” she inquires.
He declines. “It’s the Viagra,” he says. “It really takes away my desire for food.”
Dinner time comes around, she asks again if he’d like anything to eat, “A microwave pizza would only take a couple of minutes. Would you like some?”
He says, “Nah, I’m still not hungry.”
So she says, “Well in that case, would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Junkyard Dog
A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps. He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better. He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better. Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls. The man said, “this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?” The dog owner said “Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!” “Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?” “To get the taste out of his mouth.”
Good Catholic Girl
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”
Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”
What Sex is Polly?
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot’s neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, “I see she caught you at it, too.”
Airplane Pilot
A plane takes off from New York’s Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising
altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,’ he says. ‘The weather ahead
looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!’
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. ‘I’m so sorry for
scaring you all earlier,’ he says.
‘But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
‘That’s nothing,’ a passenger in coach shouted. ‘You should see the back of
mine!’
The Gorilla Golfer
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little
wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that
says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this
club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at
the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he
said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first
tee.”
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the
gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The
gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of
sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from
the cup.
The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train
him to hit the ball like that? There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t
beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the
trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”
The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle.
Every time.”