At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to
the Moon. The Redheads speak up “That’s been done before, we’re going to go to
Mars”. The Blondes speak up “That’s nothing, we’re going to be the first people
to go to the Sun”. One of the reporters says “Don’t you idiots know that you’ll
burn up?” The Blondes say “NO WE WON’T; WE’RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!”
your mama is like a vacumecleaner she sucks…
Viagra
One day an extremly aged man walks into his local doctors office
and nervously sits down. “Doctor” he said, “I really need u to
prescribe me 3 viagra pills!” The doctor laughs at this and
says” You know damn well your too old to be taking those pills!”
“Your in bad health and they could have a nasty side efect on
u!” The man pleads telling the doctor that he dosent care and
that he knows dosent doubt his shriveled cock will grow to its
normal proper size! “Well tell me old man, what is it u need
three for?” The old man Frowns and blushes as he tells him,
“Well, i need 1 for monday, thats when my wifes coming home.
Then i need one for tuesday, for when i meet my ex wife. Then i
need one for wednesday, thats when my friend steve comes over!”
The doctor in shock says, “well, ok, but u have to promise me
that youll come and see me in one week for another check up!”
The man agrees and the doctor gives him a prescription. That
saturday the old man comes walking into the office with a
swollen arm in a sling and cast! The doctor in shock asks him
what happened. The old man frowns and replies, “they never
showed up!”
Rule of Thumb
It is incredible how much
Fall off chair funny
there was a highjacker on a plane and he had 3 weapons a knife a pitchfork and a bomb.
he dropped the knife and a little boy on the ground went runnin to his nieghbor screamin a knife killed my cat.
then the highjacker{h.J}dropped the pitchfork and the kid cried to his nieghbor”a pitchfork just killed my dog””
then the h.j dropped the bomb and the kid went crakin up to his nieghbor sayin my mom farted and the house blew up
“
The snake and the new glasses
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
Balancing Act
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”
God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the idiots I put there.”
Sleep, Sleep, Nails!
One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.”i ate my owners cord” said the first dog.”and im getting put 2 sleep.””me 2″said the 2nd dog.”what did u do”asked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.’well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldn’t resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.”responded the 3rd dog.”so your getting put 2 sleep 2?”asked the 2nd dog.”no, i’m getting my nails trimmed.”
Four Kids
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station.
Officer: What’s your name? Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What’s your name? Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?! Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble? Shut Up: Ya, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where’s your Manners? Shut Up: Back there pickin’ up Poop.
Funny Copper
God Damn!
Johnny is sitting in class and blurts out “God damn!” The teacher replied
in a shocking look and says, “Johnny!”
Five minutes later he again blurts out, “God damn!” The teacher again
says, “Johnny!”
Five minutes later Johnny says, “God damn!” The teacher says, “Johnny out
in the hall, now!” The teacher looks at Johnny and says, “Johnny, what’s
your problem?” Johnny starts out saying, “On the way to school the other
day I saw two horses fucking.” The teacher say, “Well Johnny, horses have
to reproduce just like humans.” Johnny say, “I know, but I kept walking
and saw two cows fucking.” The teacher again says, “Cows have to reproduce
just like humans.” Then Johnny says, “I know, but I kept walking and saw
two rabbits fucking.” The teacher again says, “Rabbits have to reproduce
just like humans.” Johnny says, “I know, but I was thinking if I was hung
like a horse, balls like a bull, and fuck like a jack rabbit.” The teacher
says, “God damn!”