Penquins on Tour

Posted on by admin

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says “fill it up, please”. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are
occupied by penguins.

“Hey Buddy” says the attendant to the driver, “These birds can’t be happy like this…they’re wild animals, you should take them to a zoo
or something..”

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels…

“What’s this?” he says to the driver, “I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?”

The driver says “I did…and they had such a great time that today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Spread the love

The Top 15 Personal Ads Placed by Animals

Posted on by admin

15> Rhino: Horny? I mean *REALLY* horny? Me, too!14> Elephant: Seeking BBF pachyderm who wants to embrace some tail. No fatties, please.13> Fly: Single black female Musca Domestica has compound eye out for that special male who’ll share laughs, intimacy, turds.12> Horse: Hot filly ISO stud horse hung like same.11> Cat: Single declawed male tabby seeks similar female for LTR. I’m not just looking for some pussy.10> Parakeet: ISO loyal mate. Burned once when significant other turned out to be self in mirror.9> Pig: You root for me and I’ll pork you! (Pigs only, please.)8> Lion: Single tawny lion seeks zebra into extreme S&M for very-short-term relationship.7> Platypus: Seeking mate. Funny-looking applicants need not apply.6> Praying Mantis: Looking for a mate who’s willing to lose his head over me.5> Bear: Single brown professional bear seeks female bear for companionship. Must share passion to keep fires out of the forest — and *in* the bedroom. No smokers.4> Mouse: Looking for a stable, stay-at-nest kinda guy. I don’t give a rat’s ass about looks.3> Squirrel: Wild and crazy guy seeks soul mate for outdoor frolicking, al fresco dining and terrorizing blue-haired park interlopers.2> Sloth: Looking for someone willing to take things slowly.1> Dog: Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty girl?!? Is it you? *Is* it? Leave your reply on the oak outside 1432 Crestwood. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Spread the love

Deaf Genie

Posted on by admin

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.
He asks the man,”Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there?
He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,”I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “no kidding”!
You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!”

Spread the love

Emergency brake

Posted on by admin

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

�Ma�am, I�m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning,� the policeman says. �You have a broken reflector on your buggy.�

�I�ll tell my husband as soon as I get home,� the Amish woman replies.

�Also,� continues the officer, �one of your reins is looped around the horse�s balls. That�s animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too!�

So the lady goes home and tells her husband about her encounter. �Well, dear, what exactly did the officer say?� the Amish man asks.

�He said the reflector is broken.�

�I can fix that in two minutes. What else?�

�I�m not sure . . . something about the emergency brake.�

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Spread the love

Make the Pie Higher

Posted on by admin

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

Spread the love

The Pope’s New Camera

Posted on by admin

A member of the paparazzi is looking in the window of the Pope
one morning and snaps a picture of him masturbating. As the
flash goes off, the Pope sees him and runs after him.

The Pope catches up to the guy and tells him that he can’t sell
that picture. The guy explains to the Pope this is how he makes
his living. The Pope suggests a solution, telling him to sell
the camera to him with the film still in it for the sum of five
thousand dollars. The photographer agrees.

The Pope, relaxed that his problem is solved, walks back to his
room with the camera around his neck. On the way back he crosses
paths with two cardinals. They remark about his new camera and
one of them asked him how much he paid for it. The Pope replies
five thousands dollars and the two cardinals and the Pope go on
their way. When out of earshot from the Pope, one of the
cardinals says to the other, “Whoever sold the Pope that camera
had to see him coming.”

Spread the love

Terrorism Coalition Cafe

Posted on by admin

TERRORISM COALITION CAFE
ENTREES

Israeli good cheeseburger $2.50
(comes with swiss cheese to give the pretense of neutrality.)

Iraqi Ribs (SADDAM good)$13.95
(made from real Iraqi’s, these ribs are really lean & all rib
dinners come with a Pakisani-nap for cleanup.)

Ghaza Strips (Chicken Strips) $5.95
(delicious chicken strips served to the table next to you- You
have to take them back.)

Saute Arabian (just what it says) $5.95
(Iran across a great deal on horseflesh.)

SIDE DISHES & APPETIZERS

Oman-That’s good soup- bowl $2.00 cup $1.25
Syria-ously fresh salad sm.$.75 lg.$1.50

BEVERAGES

The Big Gulf 32oz. fountain soda $1.50
(A nod to former ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

whoop ass cola $1.50
( A nod to future ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

Osama cherry cola for you $2.00
(made with real cherry bombs, there’s free refills for all
Islamic Extremists.)

Spread the love

Anal glaucoma

Posted on by admin

A man called his boss one morning and said, “I can’t make it to work today. I am sick.”

The boss asked, “What’s wrong?”

The employee replied, “I have anal glaucoma.”

The boss said, “What the hell is that?”

The man replied, “Well, I just can’t see my ass coming in to work.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Spread the love

Stuck…

Posted on by admin

A woman comes to her doctor asking to pull out the vibrator that got stuck.

The doctor, after examining her says : “I have good news and bad news,what would you like to hear first”

“the bad news” says the woman.

“Well, I can’t take it out” answered the doctor.

“And what is the good news” asked the woman

“I can still change the batteries” – answered the doctor.

Spread the love

You know you are a teacher if…

Posted on by admin

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and
have summers free.”
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the
kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do
not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in
an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of
doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great
idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN
everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like
this?”

Spread the love