Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Three young candidates for the
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy
Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them
to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer
costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first
candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed
in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and
pray about your carnal weakness.” The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate,
slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable
to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower
and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his
body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor.
“Only you have the true strength of character needed to become
a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”
*Ting-a-ling*
Tech Support Volume 454,365,987,234
Computer Illiterate Support Call ‘Hello, Support Desk, may I help you?”Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”What sort of trouble?”Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”Went away?”They disappeared.”Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”Nothing.”Nothing?”It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”How do I tell?'[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”What’s a sea-prompt?'[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] ‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.'[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?”What’s a monitor?'[SIGH] ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”I don’t know.”Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] ‘Yes, I think so.”Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.'[pause] ‘Yes, it is.'[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]’When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”No.”Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'[muffled] ‘Okay, here it is.”Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.'[still muffled] ‘I can’t reach.”Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'[clear again] ‘No.”Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”Dark?”Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”Well, turn on the office light then.”I can’t.”No? Why not?”Because there’s a power outage.”A power–!?!’ …[AAAAAAARGH!]’A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”Really? Is it that bad?”Yes, I’m afraid it is.”Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!’ [slam]
Dos borrachos, por la calle,
Knock Knock… Sham
Farmer’s Daughters Name Game
There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact , he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night , there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Eddie, I’m here for Bettie, we’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”. The farmer paused, then said “Ok, she’s ready” . Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said” Hello, my name is Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show. She ready to go?”. The farmer paused again and said “yeah, she’s ready”. A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said “Hello, my name is Chuck…..” and the farmer shot him…..
These translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…”OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”Translated:* “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.””HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”Translated:* “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.””I CAN’T FIND IT.”Translated:* “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
#1 Your Momma Joke
Blondes getting even
Dinner with Bush and Cheney
Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the “Heart-Healthy” salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, “Honey, could I have a quickie?”
She’s horrified! She says, “Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I’m sorry I voted for you,” and she marches off.
Cheney leans over and says, “George, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE’.”