Q:What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts cost a buck twenty-five. Deer nuts are under a buck!
Q: How many John
A man died
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he
passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a
lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
“That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”
“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to
question that woman’s punishment?”
Student debt
The Fan
There is a lady who dies and goes up to heven. She sees all these clockes everywhere and asks an angle why they are there. The Angle says, “Well every time you lie your clock spins around once. Like hers George Washington’s, his clock never moved, same with Jesus’ over here.” So the lady asks where Bill Clintons is. The Angle replies. “Well jesus is using it as a celling fan in his office.
Resulta que Manolo se encuentra
Resulta que Manolo se encuentra durmiendo, cuando de pronto suena su tel�fono a las 3 de le ma�ana; todo desvelado y con sue�o contesta:
“�Hola?”
Y una voz le dice: “Ho…la…ya…s�…ha…blar”.
Y Manolo todo furioso le contesta:
“�Qu�, me llamas a las 3 de la ma�ana para decirme que ya aprendiste a hablar, desgraciada!”
“�Es…que…soy…una…va…ca!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Zubin!Zubin who?Zubin eating
Parental Education
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
a gay man went to the doctor to see if there…
a gay man went to the doctor to see if there was anything he could give him to grow hair on his chest, the doctor told him to rub vasoline on it every night before he went to bed and it should help. So he went home and rubbed down just then his boyfriend walked in and asked what in the hell he was doing, so he explained what the doctor had said. The boyfriend responded if that was true you would have a ponytail hanging out of your ass.
There was just a dog fight
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler
outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your
little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
Having a Beer
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?”
The man says, “When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.”
The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?”
The man says, “Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s just that my wife said that I couldn’t go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didn’t say anything about my brothers.”
Suicidal blonde
Suicidal blonde
A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.
She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.
Two guys come over and say, “Are you trying to kill yourself?”
The blonde replies, “Yes, I am.”
One of the men says, “Then shouldn’t you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?”
The blonde says, “I tried that, but I couldn’t breathe.”