Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
*****
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose … it’s how drunk you get.
*****
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
*****
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
*****
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal.
*****
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who’s being naive?
*****
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
*****
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is.
*****
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
*****
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
*****
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you’re here?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer: Ummm… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here. (step step step step step…slam)
*****
Homer: Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal!
*****
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
*****
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
*****
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate…
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
*****
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
*****
Homer’s brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
*****
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy.
*****
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience “Chicken”?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That’s not a bible. That’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy.
*****
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car’s okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
*****
Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat…
*****
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).
*****
What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
A
Pedophile
You have an Elvis Jell-o
Government worker
Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill,
with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The
boss felt rather sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor-as
they were repairing a part of the freeway.
“Kowalski” he says “why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow
down going through the construction”
Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:
“Sir” he whispers, his throat feeling worse “please slow down, there’s a
Government crew up ahead”
“Okay” the guy whispers back “I’ll try not to wake them”
Q: How many Pentagon
Yo mama is so fat
Tired Game Warden
One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on themand asked
to see their fishing licences.One of the men took off running in . So
the warden started chasinghim. He ran after the man up and down the
side of the river, thru the swamp,up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the
river with the warden right behind him . Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.Finaly after about three miles of chasnig the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and
handed it to the warden.And the warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said the other guy didn`t have his licence.
Help Others and Learn to Run
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the
boy’s position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
“And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”
Your horse wears shoes, but
Yoga Style
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.
The first old woman, told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed.
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole!”