Hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth!” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

16> Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

15> Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14> Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

13> Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12> Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

11> The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

10> Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

9> Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

8> You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

7> Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

6> Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

5> Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

4> “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

3> Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

2> Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

1> Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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* M�s vale plum�fero volador

* M�s vale plum�fero volador en fosa metacarpiana, que segunda potencia de diez pululando por el espacio.
( M�s vale p�jaro en mano, que cien volando)

* Crust�ceo dec�podo que pierde su estado de vigilia, es arrastrado por el �mpetu marino.
(Camar�n que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente)

* Rel�tame con quien deambulas y te manifestar� tu idiosincrasia.
(Dime con qui�n andas y te dir� qui�n eres)

* A perturbaci�n cicl�nica en el seno ambiental, rostro jocundo.
(Al mal tiempo, buena cara)

* Agua que no has de ingurgitar, perm�tele que discurra por su cauce.
(Agua que no has de beber, d�jala correr)

* Oc�pate de la alimentaci�n de las aves c�rvidas y stas te extirpar�n las estructuras de las fosas orbitarias que perciben los est�mulos.
(Cr�a cuervos y te sacar�n los ojos)

* !El globo oft�lmico del poseedor torna obeso el bruto vacuno!
(Al ojo del amo, engorda el ganado)

* Quien a ub�rrima con�fera se adosa, �ptima umbr�a le entolda.
(El que a buen �rbol se arrima, buena sombra le cobija)

* A equino objeto de un obsequio, no se le aquilatan las piezas dentales.
(A caballo dado, no se le mira colmillo)

* El rumiante c�rvido propende al accidente orogr�fico.
(La cabra tira pal monte)

* Las exequias con candel son m�s tolerables.
(Las penas con pan son menos)

* No existe adversidad que por sinecura no se trueque.
(No hay mal, que por bien no venga)

* La ausencia absoluta de percepci�n visual torna insensible al �rgano cardiaco.
(Ojos que no ven, coraz�n que no siente)

* Al andar maltrecho implicarle premura.
(Al mal paso, darle prisa)

* No est� la oquedad ardiente para manipulaciones reposteriles.
(No est� el horno para bollos)

* El que embriol�gicamente es tra�do al mundo con el di�metro anteroposterior de la cavidad abdominal aumentado, no lograr� reducir su contenida visceral por m�s intentos forzados extr�nsecos de reforzar dicha pared en su infancia.
(El que nace barrig�n, es al �udo que lo fajen)

* Cavidad g�strica satisfecha, v�scera cardiaca euf�rica.
(Barriga llena, coraz�n contento)

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Insurance Question

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

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Fly in the Beer

An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. “Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!” The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, “Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!”

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