How many US Vice-Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Un borrachito llega a una
Un borrachito llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero golpeando la barra, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para usted y uno para todos los dem�s!”
Entonces el cantinero y las dem�s personas lo ovacionan, “�bravo, viva!”, y as� se la pasa pidiendo tequilas para todos. Al tomarse el �ltimo tequila, da las gracias y camina a la salida, pero el cantinero le exige el pago de todos los tequilas.
El borrachito dice que no tiene dinero, y el cantinero lo comienza a golpear sin misericordia y lo echa fuera de la cantina con una patada en el trasero.
Al siguiente d�a llega el mismo borrachito, todo madreado, y comienza a golpear la barra y gritando dice, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para todos y ni madres para usted, porque luego se pone como loco cabr�n!”
Funny giriff
Wanted: The Pillsbury Doughman
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
The Top 17 Prison Movies Starring Martha Stewart
17> You’ve Got Jail!
16> Gone With the Window Treatment
15> Desperately Seeking Souffle
14> Hang ‘Em High, Using Only Dried Flowers, a Plastic Milk Jug and a Glue Gun
13> My Big Fat Butch Cellmate
12> Out of Attica
11> The Seafoam and Ecru Faux-Finished Mile
10> The Longest Yard (of Imported Silk Gingham Fabric That Would Make a Delightful Throw Pillow)
9> The Seven-to-Ten Years Bitch
8> Shivving Miss Doily
7> Martha’s StrangeLunch, or How She Learned to Quit Worrying and Eat Both Her Soup and Her Dessert With the Same Spoon
6> Quiche of the Insider Woman
5> The Shawshank Redecoration
4> Midnight Espresso
3> How Martha Got Her Shiv Back
2> Cool Ham Soup
1> Date Breads in a Duffel Bag
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Redneck computer term
Sex shop
Eating Worms
Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, “What would you like to eat?””Worms” Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, “Here they are.””I want them fried” was the response.The nurse took them and had them fried.When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, “Here is only one. Now eat it.””I only want half and you eat the other” was the reply.The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.Little Johnny said, “You ate my half!”
Some men are discovered; others
Smile!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspecdor asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.
Un motorista de la Guardia
Un motorista de la Guardia Civil para un coche que circula a gran velocidad:
“Buenos d�as, �se ha dado cuenta que iba usted a m�s de 180?”
“Lo siento, pero es que estoy muy borracho y no me fijo en las se�ales”.
“�Me permite su carnet de conducir?”
“No va a poder ser, me lo retiraron por atropellar dos ancianas”.
“�Los papeles del coche?”
“Es que no es m�o, lo acabo de robar”.
“Mire en la guantera, quiz�s est�n ah�”.
“�Imposible, los habr�a visto cuando puse la pistola!”
“�Qu� pistola?”
“Hombre, la pistola con la que mat� a la ni�a que llevo en el maletero…”
El guardia civil, asustado, retrocede hacia su moto y por la radio pide refuerzos. Inmediatamente se presentan varios coches de la Guardia Civil y rodean al infractor.
El comandante se acerca al conductor:
“Buenos d�as, �me permite su permiso de circulaci�n?”
“No faltaba m�s, aqu� tiene usted”.
“�Los papeles del veh�culo?”
“Por supuesto, tenga usted”.
“Ahora, con mucho cuidado… �Podr�a abrir la guantera?”
“Claro”. (Abre y se ve la guantera vac�a).
“Ahora, �brame el maletero. (El conductor abre y… �El maletero est� vac�o!)
“Perdone, pero no entiendo nada, hemos venido urgentemente porque nos hab�an dicho que estaba usted borracho, que conduc�a sin carnet, que el veh�culo era robado y sin papeles, que llevaba una pistola en la guantera, un cad�ver en el maletero…
El conductor, interrumpi�ndole, lanza:
“�No me diga m�s, seguro que tambi�n le han dicho que conduc�a con exceso de velocidad! �Verdad?”
Genie bottle
A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.
He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.
“Wow, my first two wishes have come true!” he yells.
He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.
First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!
The first Genie turns to the second and says, “You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?”