Knock Knock……….
Who’s there?
Monica……..
Monica Who?
Very good Mr. President just like we practiced! Now lets go to
that Press Meeting.
Check’s in the Mail
Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit, found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.
Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his native land.
Why didn’t the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?
“Very simple,… As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail.”
Q. What do electric trains and breasts have…
Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
The idiot drunk!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the hell was that all about?”
Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”
The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife (Part I)
16> “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
15> “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
14> “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13> “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
12> “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11> “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10> “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9> “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8> “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7> “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
6> “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5> “Got milk?”
4> “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3> “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2> “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
1> “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
Hunting Stories
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.”Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet.I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…………ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!…….I tell you, I just shit my pants.”The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I =don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”The old man shook his head and said, “No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!”
Q: How many aerospace
New Dance
Dead babies
Monkey Smells
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
“I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of the family.
He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.”
“But what about the smell?” the friend asked.
“Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”
A Rose By Any Name
There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things. A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement. A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man’s father asked what the doctor’s name was.The man replied, “What’s the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?” His dad looked confused and said, “Rose?””Yes that’s it… Hey, Rose… what�s the name of my doctor?”