The Wonder Dog!

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal. Wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is part of my job.”

“Incredible!” muttered the man.

“I can’t believe it! I’m going to tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog.

“Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!”

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Lawyer and a Plumber

A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, “This
is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!” The plumber
calmly replied, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

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Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

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A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked…

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She
looks
as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never
been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.”
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her
pregnancy.
“But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.”
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
“How about him?” asked the vet.
“Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.”

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Looking for some help…

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

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How long?

“Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news,” the doctor told his
anxious patient. “You only have six months to live.”

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.
Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician
that he had no medical insurance. “I can’t possibly pay you in
that time.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it nine months.”

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