Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that the
first one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it
turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later
and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited
and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then,
after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and
maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much
courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly
never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little
old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. “Can you
help me please?” he said. “My partner just recently died and I would very
much like to get in contact with him.” To which the woman responded, “for
50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won’t be able to talk to
you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him.
And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I’m
drinking a glass of water.”
Change a light bulb2
Spinster’s Three Wishes
The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.
“Aw, go on,” the little old lady said in disbelief, “if you can grant three wishes, let’s see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?”
The good fairy waved her hand, and “pouf”, the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said “I really get two more wishes?”
“Yes”, the good fairy assured her. “Anything your heart desires.”
“Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.” Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.
“Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.”
The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.
The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured… “Now, aren’t you sorry you sent me to the vet?”
1 million sperm
Johnny Cochran
You can change the oil
The Sapling
There was this sapling that didn’t know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.
First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says..”Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know…am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
Mr. Birch replies, “Well, i don’t know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don’t you go ask Mr. Beech?”
So the sapling goes “Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, i gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?”
And Mr. Beech says, “well, I dont know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I’ll call him up and he’ll tell you what you are.”
So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.
Well, the woodpecks takes a nibble and exclaims “My…you’re neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I’ve ever put my pecker in!”
Alternate Toilet Paper
A bloke goes into a pub in the middle of nowhere, needing to go
to the toilet. The barman directs him outside, where a rickety
old dunny is.
The man does his buisness, and is about to wipe his arse when he
sees that there is no toilet paper. However, there is a note
nailed to the wall, which reads- We are sorry about the lack of
toilet paper, we ask you to please wipe yourself with your
finger, then stick it through a hole in the wall, where it will
be cleaned.
The bloke dosen’t think much of this, but he decides to follow
the request. So he cleans himself with his finger, then sticks
it out of the hole. All of a sudden it is hit by a hammer. So he
pulls his finger in…… and sucks it.
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Querid�simo esposo:
Me parece que has mal interpretado las cosas. Aqu� van las razones por las que no conseguiste m�s de lo que tuviste.
Volver borracho: 14 veces
No volver a casa: 30 veces
No volver temprano: 18 veces
Volver demasiado temprano: 29 veces
Se te puso floja antes de tiempo: 16 veces
Calambres en las piernas: 11 veces
No se te par�: 34 veces
Medio se te par�: 25 veces
Te la machucaste con el cierre: 13 veces
Ten�as resfriado y te goteaba la nariz: 17 veces
El caf� estaba muy caliente y te quem� la lengua: 09 veces
Me lo quisiste hacer por atr�s pensando que era por delante: 12 veces
Se te pasaron las ganas despu�s de pensar en ello demasiado: 36 veces
Te viniste en la pijama despu�s de leer un libro porno: 15 veces
Por cierto, las veces que permanec� ah� acostada simplemente, fue debido a que te saliste y te dedicaste a hacerlo con las s�banas. Parec�as tan entusiasmado, que no quise moverme y arruinarte el placer. Y la vez que me levant� y me puse a respirar agitadamente, fue porque en tus movimientos pasionales se te sali�… �un pedo!
Atentamente
Tu esposa.
Ugly people
Why do they lock gas
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?