Adam wore a fig leaf.
Eve wore none at all.
The fun began in autumn,
When the leaves began to fall.
Statistical one-liner
Golfing blonde
Marriage Quickies
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
Cause they want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky; mine’s still alive.”
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying.”
Kiss me
A woman is in her doctor’s office, and suddenly shouts out, “Doctor, kiss me.”
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once.”
Again, he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; “Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!”
“Look” he says, “I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Grandmas Dead
Two five-year-old boys
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, “Your thing
doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”
$5 for a Penguin
A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”The guy there says “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.””What’s a penguin?””You’ll see.”So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!”
Yo Mama’s So Fat
Church Bell Blues
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed
the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to
go to church with their mothers and fathers.” “Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied,
“so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”