12-inch prick

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Another guy walks into a bar with a one-foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the
beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lepta off
his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts
face and smashed the shot glass against the Wall.

“I have to know…. where did you get that guy?”

“Well… I’ll tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed
it, and a genie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve
inch prick and this is what I got…”

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Redneck quickies 29

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You might be a redneck if…You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q. Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet. You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog. You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

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Lost Sneakers

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A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and
then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as
to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?”

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says, “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me
here to have anal sex with you.”

They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!” He replies, “OK,
let’s check!” He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of
them?”

The father shouts back, “Yes, both of them!”

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God and the Scientist

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God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

“God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing – in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning.”

“Oh, is that so? Tell Me…” replies God.

“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of
you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s very interesting…show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.

“No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

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Do You Know How Too

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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door.

When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question.

Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

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Simple Response to Telemarketers

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I get so sick of those telephone people calling all the time.
“Yes this is Associates Credit and we want …” Well, here is an
effective way to get them to quit calling.

Caller: Hello this is (company or item being sold) and we would
like to speak to (whoever). Are they available?

Me: Yeah. (Long silence) You wanna talk to em?

Caller: Um, Yes please. Thank you.

Me: Well, I’m not gonna give them the phone. (I was about 13
when I tried this)

Caller: Little girl, let me speak with you mother or …

Me: Or what?

Caller: I just …”

Me: hang on please …

Caller: (mumbling) finally … I hate kids …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten minutes, picks up phone and
to my surprise she is still there, disguise my voice) Hello,
this is (whoever), may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I am from –

Me: Hold please

Caller: (sigh)

Me: (no longer disguising my voice but faking crying ten minutes
later) I have no friends … it would be nice to have a friend,
seeing how persistent you are, maybe you would like to be my
friend??

Caller: (exasperated) LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MOTHER!!

Me: UGH ok!

Caller: Jeez …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten more minutes, disguises
voice) Hello I’m back, I was in the bathroom. I have had this
terrible pain in my stomach and it makes me –

Caller: MA’AM!! Hello, I am from (company) and I was –

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Caller: Ma’am?? Ma’am is everything alright???? Ma’am!!

Me: Sorry, I saw what I thought was a bug. It was an old raisin.
Do you like raisins? I like em, they do give me gas sometimes
and –

Caller: Mrs. (whoever) I am from (company) and I was wondering –

Me: Why did you interrupt me? That was rude. I was just going to
tell you that raisins get stuck in my teeth sometimes and my
husband gets dia –

Caller: Ma’am I really am not interested in what happens when
you eat raisins and –

Me: I am really not interested in whatever you want to sell me
… (no longer disguising my voice)

Caller: YOU! Please, I am begging you let me talk to your mother
…

Me: Oh … She is not here. But, I still have no friends and
…:)

Caller: OGHUGHG!! (hangs up LOUDLY)

The funniest part of the story is my mother was sitting next to
me the whole time holding another phone, listening to the whole
thing …..

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Tough Stuff!

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A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

“Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

“Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”

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