Q: Olive?A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”
The fastest thing in the world
Lips 2 think about
Ur mam
Bubbles
There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles.
In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, “who are you and what are you charged with”??
“I’m duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.
2nd one comes in, ” who are you and what are you charged with”?
“I’m duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.
3rd one comes in.” Who are you and what were you charged with”?
“I’m duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park”.
4th one comes in judge says “let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?”
“NO, he says…I’m bubbles!!”.
Difference between Hugh Grant and Bill Clinton?
15 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex
1. BEING PASSIVE.
Don’t let him undress you and himself. Just help him a little
bit: like making the first step. Just because we are men it
doesn’t mean that we must do all the job.
2. WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS.
It takes time to take off these kind of clothes. Every second
counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got, the more
rounds you got, and the more rounds you got the more satisfied
you get.
3. GOING DOWN HALFWAY.
Once you start going down, don’t stop at the belly button, keep
going or just don’t go past the neck at all.
4. CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN.
Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you think. No man has a
leather dick. You got to be smooth with the dick. Pulling it too
hard doesn’t make us feel horny, it hurts even though we don’t
tell you.
5. LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH.
It’s just the same as a dog licking a bitches ass.
6. MOANING LIKE A RUNNER THAT NEEDS AIR.
Better moan with style girls cause men love to make fun of girls
who can’t moan like movie stars. Try not too make much noise
when you exhale.
7. SCRATCHING HIS BACK.
We don’t need no autographs, girls. It does not feel good at
all. Depend on the length of nail and how deep you dig them in
our backs so keep your nails in you pockets please. If you feel
the need to scratch a boys back, either grip the hell out of the
sheets or the headboard.
8. LETTING YOUR HAIR FALL IN HIS FACE.
Men need air, they breath.
9. JUMPING ON HIPS TO HARD.
A man is not a horse so please take it easy unless you got a big
booty to take care of the landing.
10. SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM.
Are you crazy? Do you want us to get caught by your parents? Or
do you just love seeing me jump through the window butt naked…
11. KEEP YORSELF CLEAN!
Everyone knows that fish is the smell. But we don’t have to be
smelling it when you take your panties off. Please warn us if
you haven’t freshened up. And nobody wants to suck on salty
dirty titties. Men aren’t the only ones who sweat. And we sure
don’t want you smelling like you work at a fish market either.
Make sure your ass is clean!!! No man wants to eat off a dirty
plate.
12. MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE IN CHECK.
Every man has a certain turn on, everything on a woman must be
perfect, that’s how we like it. Do not, I repeat do not get in
bed with us with your feet looking like you were walking bare
foot on toxic waste. You know what I am talking about, nail
polish coming off halfway, smelly as hell, uneven toenails,
soles feeling like sandpaper. Its hard to perform good foreplay
with that. And don’t even think about asking us to suck your
toes when they look like they have been beaten with a sledge
hammer (ugly) and we are not to fond of unpolished toes either.
We like them soft, pretty, and tasty looking.
13. GIVING HEAD.
Don’t use your teeth! It hurts, really!
14. AFTER SEX BROADCASTING.
Don’t go bragging to your friends saying that you have us so
called “whipped” its not cool at all, especially when his
friends are around. If a man is “whipped” he won’t admit it.
15. KEEP IT REAL.
When you’re at the point of breaking up, don’t wait until then
to tell us we didn’t knock it right. You know damn well we had
you climbing the walls and walking on air.
Hospital test
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”
To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
Ya Just can't wi
Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn’t resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn’t climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……”Honey, do you notice anything different about me???” She took one look at him, and said “Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.”
Pierced
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.” The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.” The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.” The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.” The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?” He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”
Forgetfulness
William’s wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
“Well,” William answered. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”