I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
In the 80’s, a [local]
In the 80’s, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy,
Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year
it’s used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an
estimated 10,000 people came to the airport. They asked the
people why they were out there, and they were given the story about
the stealth fighter.
The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks — but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on
the air, and said that they couldn’t see the thing. The DJs replied
that it was proof the technology worked.
To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth — like a chicken
when it walks — and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!
How many Zen masters does it take to screw…
A blonde
A blonde went into the pharamacy and said “where is ur bottom deodorant” and the pharmasist replied “i don’t know what kind of deodorant ur talking about,bring it with u next time and maybe i can help u” the blonde said ok and the next day she came back and showed the pharamist and he said “its to use under ur arms” and she said no it says here to apply push up bottom
What Do You Want for Breakfast
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee”.
He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.
At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
A sermon about lying
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
A Redneck Letter
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so
we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put
your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them
since.
It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and
four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, your
aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we
didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she
comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought then off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, one was
driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he
rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two
drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write
more later.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I already had this
sealed.
Space
Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.
One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked “Has anyone got a match?”
Lightbulbs
Tokens
Fun to do during an exam
OBJECTS IN MIR IS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident, which has
placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements
at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said
Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially
tragic accident and each nations’ team, separately, has arrived at identical
conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one
thing only…