Yours Fun Portal !
One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.
The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks “yeah, what do you want?”.
The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice “I’ve lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on”.
At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. “Sorry, but we don’t re-tail spirits at this time of night”.
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the
other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So
where y’all from?”
The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, “I am
from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the
Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from,
bitch?”
”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in
on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
”I got in a tiff with Riley.”
”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have
had something in his hand.”
��that he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”
”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing
it was, but not much use in a fight.”
There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue,
standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis The fire department came with a
blanket and yelled to the Norte Dame player to jump.He jumped and they moved it
to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn’t jump. They
said they liked IU better than Norte Dame. So he jumped and the fire department
moved the blanket to the left.
The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue
player to jump. He said that he wouldn’t jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and
said, ”Lay the blanket down, and then I’ll jump!”
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?
Blonde: No, it’s working fine.
Operator: Then what’s the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road.
I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”
Well, the bartender isn’t sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees.
The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, “Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”
The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts.
The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250.
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital.
The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, “It comes to $250.”
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, “That’s fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?”
Proper Care of Floppies: 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. ‘Big’ diskettes may be folded and used in ‘little’ disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a ‘hung’ or ‘hooked’ state. If your system is ‘hooking’ you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive (see item #2 above.)10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.12. And particularly, watch out for that Bobbit virus. It will turn your harddrive into a 3.5′ floppy.