The Preacher and the Donkey

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A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

…They buried the bishop the next day.

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Technology for Country Folk

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1. LOG ON:

Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF:

Don’t add no more wood.

3. MONITOR:

Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD:

Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ:

When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC:

Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM:

That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE:

Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT:

Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS:

Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.

11. SCREEN:

Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.

12. BYTE:

Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP:

Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP:

Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM:

Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX:

Old Dan Matrix’s wife.

17. LAP TOP:

Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD:

Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE:

Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE:

Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME:

Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT:

Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER:

Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:

Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD:

That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

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Irish Jokes

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there’s an English man an irish man and a scottish bloke. they
all go into a bar, the irish man challenges the other to, to see
who can get their dog the furthest round the block with doing a
crap on the pavement. they agree.
The english man gets a 1/4 of the way round the scottish bloke
goes 1/2 way round and the irish man goes all the way round
twice.
suprised they ask him how he did it.
the irish bloke replies “me not silly me not dum me stick cork
up doggy bum”

how do you confuse an a irish man?
tell him to pee in the corner of a barrel.

the irish s.a.s were found camping out at battersea dogs home,
they had shot all the afgans.

a hot air balloon was stolen by the irish S.A.S it was last seen
bouncing off big ben.

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Bobby’s Favorite Joke

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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the

same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ‘My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up

in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.’

The second man said, ‘My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m

going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake

The third man (Bobby) said, ‘My Jim was such a good lover, I think

I’m

going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my

ass up just one more time.

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Hunchback

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HUNCHBACK’S WIFE: I’m getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I don’t like getting undressed.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you’ll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK: I don’t like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))

DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack

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