Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…
Blonde Painting
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwitches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.
I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.
It said, . . . “For best results, put on two coats.”
Bush and the family:
car wash
George W. Bush and the Jews
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before we do?
The CIA chief says, “It’s simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What’s Happening). They just ask each other and that’s how they find out everything.”
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhoods.
As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers “Nu, Vus Tutzuch?”
The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?”
Bowling Team
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.She says, “What the heck’s goin’ on up here? We’re havin’ a grand time downstairs!” One of the Blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”
Immigration…
Three Couples on Vacation
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”
Study again
Vova brought home his grade book. Vova’s father looked at it and said, “I see
you misbehaved. For example, it says here that you smoked in class.”
“You call it smoke? I just found a cigarette butt and only could inhale two
times.”
“Maybe. But here it says you came to the school drunk.”
“You call it drunk? I only found in garbage a bottle with a few drops of
vodka…”
“Maybe. But here it says you tried to rape an old cleaning woman.”
“Try! But I did not do it after all.”
“I see you need a lesson.”
Next day the father took Vova to his office. He showed him to a deep leather
chair, and when Vova took the seat, the father offered him a cigar. Vova puffed,
and the father poured for Vova a glass of French brandy. As Vova drank, his
father opened the door and pointed at his young and pretty secretary.
“How do you like it, Vova?”
“Very much, father.”
“So, to smoke good cigars, and to drink good brandy, and to have a young and
pretty secretary, one has to study, to study, and once again to study!”
The bride wore white
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
Flash light
Friar Florists
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.