There were these 3 guys on a fishing trip in the ocean. They meet up with a mermaid who jumps up on their ship and grants them each a wish. The first guy is a little suspicious so he says, “Double my IQ. by one more time.” Pow. The guy starts reciting Shakespeare. The others are amazed and another asks, “Will you please triple mine?” Zowie. Then he starts spitting out answers that have stumped Mathematicians and other people for years. Then the last guy wants to be really smart so he tells her to make his I.Q. larger by doubling it 7 times. She says,” Gee I don’t know. Cant you wish for like peace or a million dollars or a Porsche ar something else?” “No. You fixed them up. Why cant you do me?”She then says,” O.k. Boom” Then the guy turns into a woman!!!!!!!!!contributed by Angela Emmert 12 years.
Sell Your Ugly Body
Another light bulb…
Dressing Up to Go Out
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”
“Yeah, so?” said the officer.
“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?”
Computers – She???
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Southern California Driver’s License Application
Name: ______________ Stage name: ___________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: ____________________
Publicist _____________ Manicurist/hair stylist ___________
Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes, or
d) Toyota. If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
normal delivery time for your driver’s license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop.
Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula
The Incredible Golf Ball
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replies, “I found it.”
(Think about it… it’ll come to you
Nosy husband…
Unos amigos fueron a trabajar
Unos amigos fueron a trabajar al campo. Horas despu�s, se pusieron a jugar cartas. La mesa era un trozo de madera grande y las sillas eran trozos de madera m�s chicos. Mientras jugaban estaban tomando chicha (licor chileno). Tras un buen rato estaban bien borrachos y a uno se le ocurri� ir al ba�o:
“Compadre, compadrito, voy y vuelvo.”
“Vaya nom�s compadrito.”
Cuando volvi� se le olvid� subirse el cierre del pantal�n y cuando se sent� el pene qued� encima de la mesa.
“�Lucho, Lucho, hay una culebra en la mesa weon!”
“Qu�date quieto weon.”
“�Me va a morder, me va a morder!”
El otro saca un palo gigante y le manda en plena penca.
“�Lucho, Lucho, p�gale de nuevo que me mordi�!”
Porch or Ferrari !
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”