Jerry Farwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!”
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m
sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s having”.
Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims
Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn’t notice that his truck had
smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the
police stopped his car.
Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her
boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday – she was vomiting –
when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died
instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36. kept driving.
Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several
miles later – its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told
police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was
sick.
“Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had
killed her.”
Answer from Heaven
A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing
happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the
postal authorities received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA”, hey decided to
send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you
note to God, which read; “Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the
money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through
Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.”
Yo mama’s So Fat
On the job with the gas men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, ‘When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!’
The Graduate
Q: How many members
Aconteci� que en Cuba hab�an
Aconteci� que en Cuba hab�an capturado y matado al jefe de la guerrilla conocido como el ‘Gallo Valencia’, quien intentaba sacar a Fidel Castro del gobierno. Como necesitaban a alguien que lo identificara, mandaron a buscar a la ya conocida amante del guerrillero.
La concubina llega a la morgue y le muestran el cuerpo del muerto. Fidel le pregunta: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
Ella responde: “Como que se le parece, pero �podr�a quitarle la ropa?
Fidel manda que se desvista al difunto y pregunta de nuevo: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
Y de nueva cuenta la amante contesta: “Efectivamente se le parece mucho, pero necesito que le quiten los calzones”.
Fidel ordena al capit�n que le quiten los calzones al muertito, y vuelve a cuestionar: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
La mujer declara: “Muy, muy parecido; pero para salir de dudas, �le pueden bajar el pellejo del pito para estar segura?”.
As� lo ordena Fidel, y el capit�n procede a bajarle el prepucio al finado. En ese momento la amante grita:
“�Es �l, �ste s� que es el Gallo Valencia!”
Fidel encabronado le pregunta a la mujer: “�C�mo supiste que �ste era el Gallo Valencia?”
“Es que �l me dijo que, a�n despu�s de muerto, Fidel y sus soldados le seguir�an pelando la verga”.
Antes: Dos por noche. Despu�s:
Antes: Dos por noche. Despu�s: Dos por mes.
Antes: �Me dejas sin aliento! Despu�s: �Me est�s ahogando!
Antes: �No pares! Despu�s: �No empieces!
Antes: Saturday Night Fever. Despu�s: Monday Night Football.
Antes: ‘El sonido de la m�sica’. Despu�s: ‘Los sonidos del silencio’.
Antes: Estar a tu lado. Despu�s: �Hazte a un lado!
Antes: Me gustan las mujeres llenitas. Despu�s: �Nunca me gustaron las gordas!
Antes: �Qu� lunar m�s lindo tienes! Despu�s: Esa verruga �cu�ndo te la operas?
Antes: Me pregunto qu� har�a sin ella. Despu�s: Me pregunto qu� hago con ella.
Antes: Er�tica. Despu�s: Neur�tica.
Antes: Parece que estamos juntos desde siempre. Despu�s: �Siempre estamos juntos!
Antes: Ella adora c�mo controlo las situaciones. Despu�s: Ella dice que soy un manipulador eg�latra.
Antes: Anoche lo hicimos en el sof�. Despu�s: Anoche dorm� en el sof�.
Antes: Hab�a una vez. Despu�s: Fin.
New Dog Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:Collie + Lhasa ApsoCollapso, a dog that folds up for easy transportSpitz + Chow ChowSpitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lotPointer + SetterPoinsetter, a traditional Christmas petGreat Pyrenees + DachshundPyradachs, a puzzling breedPekingnese + Lhasa ApsoPeekasso, an abstract dogIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer SpanielIrish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistleLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated RetrieverLab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientistsNewfoundland + Basset HoundNewfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisorsTerrier + BulldogTerribull, a dog that makes awful mistakesBloodhound + LabradorBlabador, a dog that barks incessantlyMalamute + PointerMoot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anywayCollie + MalamuteCommute, a dog that travels to workDeerhound + TerrierDerriere, a dog that’s true to the endBull Terrier + ShitzuOh, never mind….
The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget
14. $12,500 for 535 subscriptions to “Cigar Aficionado”
13. $75,000 for “Environmental Cleanup” (Oval Office Scotchguard Applicator)
12. $1 million for research to determine how to pronounce “Slobodan Milosevic”
11. $18 to renew Jesse Helms’s subscription to Spice Girls Magazine, buried in the Senate food budget under “Condiments”
10. $129,112 for maintenance and upkeep on Animatronic Al Gore
9. $150,000 Senate basement renovation, including tunnel to Hooters
8. $50 million for Independent Counsel to begin investigation of any Democrat who might ever consider running for president
7. $150,000 for formaldehyde IV for Strom Thurmond
6. $15 for Buddy’s new leash, and $150 for Bubba’s, under “Budgetary Restraints”
5. $18,500 for a new pick-up truck for Janet Reno
4. $10,000 for funding of the Annual Tip O’Neill Memorial CornDog-eating Contest on the Senate floor
3. $1.29 to get Arafat his *own* tin of Altoids
2. $2 billion offer for New Jersey to leave the United States — no questions asked
1. $50,000 toilet seat? Check. $85,000 lug wrench? Check. $40 million porn novel? Check.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]