Courage is your greatest present need.
Computer Poem
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider’s home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
Insults 1
Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to
hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years
old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Forgive Me, Father
This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he
used the “F-word” over the weekend. The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three
Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.
The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday
with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, “And you got upset
over that and swore?” The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the
first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.” The priest said,
“And that’s when you swore.”
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No,
it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce
and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a
squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.” The priest asked,
“Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”
The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in
its sharp talons and flew away.”
The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”
The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying
squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”
The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!”
Stranded in the desert!
One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were riding in a car when it broke
down i the middle of a desert. The best thing they could do was try to walk
towards civilization. SO the redhead said, ” I’m going to bring food so when I
get hungry, I can eat some.” The brunette said, “I’m going to bring water so
when I get thirsty, I can drink some.” then, the blonde said, “I’m going to
bring the car door so when I get hot, I can roll down the window!”
Top Twenty Things to do While in a Drive Thru
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”
12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can I take yours?”
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Clinton’s codename?
Progemmers and Lightbulbs
Suicidal Blonde
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband: “Shup up, or you’re next!”
Is Sex Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible,” My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thinks: “What does a priest know of sex?”
He goes to minister… a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge…A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, “My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!”
The Rabbi softly speaks, “If sex were work…my wife would have the maid do it.”
Some mildly amusing one liners…
– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm – Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines – Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week – I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met – I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol – I intend to live forever – so far, so good – I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough! – Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! – Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States – Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of – Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have – Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. – The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. – When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. – Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. – Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … – 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously >> overlooked something. – Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. – Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! – If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? – Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! – For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! – Black holes are where God divided by zero. – All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. – I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.