A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.”Alright,” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.”What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.”Your right. It’s mine.”
fast dog
John was hitch-hiking with his dog, a chihuahua. A trucker stopped and said, “I can take you, but I can’t take your dog.” John said, “But man, my dog goes everywhere I go!” The trucker said, “I’m sorry,but I’m not letting a dog in my truck.” John said,”That’s alright, My dog can keep up with your truck anyway.” They were going about 60 mph, the trucker said,”Is your dog still with us?” John looked out his window and said,”Yeah, he’s right here” The trucker was like,”Yeah right” so he started going about 80 mph. He said, “Is your dog still out there?” John looked out and said,”Yeah, he’s still there” Trucker didn’t believe it so he started going 100 mph. He said,”Is your dog still with us?” John looked out and said, “Yep he’s right here” The trucker really didn’t believe this, so going 100 mph, he stopped real quick jumped out and ran around to look. He said,”Damn!! he is right here…… Wait a minute!!! What’s this pink ring around his neck???” John said,”That’s his asshole. He ain’t used to sudden stops”
Kraft in Israel
Shame & Glory
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one,” This is for the glory.”
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one, “This is for the glory.”
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, “Ma’am, I was just wondering…what’s this about shame and glory?”
“Well,” she replies, “I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.”
“That must be the shame,” the bartender said.
“No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.”
I’m Only Tribute
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends
behind to make it in America. To keep there tradition of nightly drinks alive,
every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The
bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he’s
doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man
every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2
pints.
“My condolences,” says the bartender, thinking that one of the man’s friends
has died.
“No, no�, says the man, “they’re both still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”
Job Sharing
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. “How are things at the office going, Claudia ?” she asked from the bed.
“Well, they’re all sharing your work: Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss.”
Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…
Dos marroqu�es est�n pidiendo ayuda
Dos marroqu�es est�n pidiendo ayuda en la Puerta del Sol de Madrid. Al llegar la noche y recoger los apechusques (b�rtulos, trastos, etc.) le pregunta uno a otro:
“Oye, �cu�nto has sacado hoy?”
“400 pesetas. �Y t�?”
“Yo 400.000 pesetas”, dice el primero ri�ndose. “�Pero qu� es lo que pones en tu cartel?”
“Tengo mujer y tres hijos y no tengo para comer. �Ay�denme por favor!”
El otro le ense�a el suyo donde pone:
“Me hacen falta 1.000 pesetas para regresarme a Marruecos”.
THAT LITTLE ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy was driving along a street when his car broke down. Then he notice a house with an old man and his beatiful sexy daughter inside. The guy went over to the old guy and asked him if he could spend the night at his house. Then the old guy said yes but the old guy said “Ionly have one rule this house is taht you shall not have sex with my daughter.” Then the guy said yea sure why not man. Then at dinner when the old guy went to get dessert the daughter said would you like to go to my room for a little smacking the pod. Then the guy said “OK.” THen the daughter went up then ten minutes later the guy went up. Then he went to her room and got it on. When they were finished he said “That was the best BJ that i have ever had in my whole life.” Then he said thnak you then she said your welcome . Then he went to his room and went to bed. In the morning he woke up and saw a rock on top of his sheets and said “What the fuck is that doing there?” Then he took the rock and through it out of the window quickly notice a string and the string said attach to right nut then he said oh shit. Then he cut the string, then he said thank god, then he throws his covers off of him and notice another string what the fuck is up with these strings then he takes the string and throws it out the window and just when gets up and goes to his door he notices another string and the string said string tied to left nut. Then he says oh shit oh shit, then he runs to the window and jumps out of the window and notices another string and the string said string tied to branch tied to dick.
Dark ages
Turtle
Jesus, Are You There?
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the
river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the
Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you
ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell
in?”