Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a
drive-in movie???
They went to see “Closed For the Winter”!
Jewish Mother Joke
And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab; I’ll send a limo for you!’To which his mother replies, ‘I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.To which she replies, ‘Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger’She answers, ‘Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…’He answers, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!’She responds, ‘Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.’ The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty.Betty: ‘Hello, Sylvia . . . so what’s new?’Sylvia: ‘I’m visiting my son for Passover!’ Betty: ‘The doctor?’Sylvia: ‘No . . . the other one.’
fly
Kids answers
(As answered by elementary school students)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10
Confession — 3
An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80
years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an
affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody.”
Blondes and Beer In Hell
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
“Well,” said the demon, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”
90210
10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend’s Parents
10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend’s Parents The First Time You Meet Them
1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you’ve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica’s will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…
2 brain cells
BATCH – A group, kinda
Questions in the girls room
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought he’d better do something. He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a berdaggled brush on a long handle out of a box. He dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.