Did you know that Fedex and UPS joined together to make a company called
FEDUP.
Cool Stud!
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
“And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says…
“One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
Sexual Position
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her,”There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?””Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.””That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.””Not if you’re going to watch TV, there aren’t,” she replied.
Call Mom
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims..”I don’t have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!”
To that the man asks “Anything”65 And the blonde says “yes.. Anything”!!
With that, the man says “Follow me”..He walks into the next room and tells her “Come in and close the door”..She does!!
He then says “Get on your knees”..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper”..She does!!… He then says “Go ahead… Take it out”. With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says “Well.. Go ahead”!!…She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..She says “HELLO, MOM”6565
In a hotel in Athens:
The Tearful Bride…
The Tearful Bride…
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”
Tips to improve your writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. Employ the vernacular.4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.6. Remember to never split an infinitive.7. Contractions aren’t necessary.8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.9. One should never generalize.10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
The attention span of a
I was nodding you
At night someone knocks on the door. Woman wakes up and asks:
– Vasya, is that you?
Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.
– Vasya, don’t make me nervous, is that you?
Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the
door to find her drunken husband Vasya standing there.
– You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren�t answering???
– I was nodding you!!!