Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can’t hear an enzyme.
He didn’t know where to buy Left Guard!
Q: How many gardeners does
Sad Ass Hussein
Q: Why did the Saddam trade one of his thirteen wives for
a new toilet?
A: The hole was smaller and smelled better.
Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and a Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?
A: Incoming scuds!
Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out
and is flipping through pictures.
“This is my oldest. He’s a martyr.”
“Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr, too.”
There’s a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, “Ah,
they blow up so fast, don’t they?”
Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
…Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain
gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.
…Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets
of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure
free HBO.
…Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of
missing limbs and strange burn marks.
…Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.
…Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in
recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.
…Upset that Slobodan hasn�t written for weeks.
…Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at “Disembowel
the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism” Rally; those with low
marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad
sewer cages using remaining limbs.
…Pleased that he�s now slightly more popular in Kuwait than
flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after
lengthy “hearts and minds” campaign.
…Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the “moonwalk”
for them.
…Still regretting brilliant “Park Entire Air Force in Iran”
maneuver during Gulf War.
…Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his
Assassination Merit Badge.
…Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm,
or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD�s for only 1 cent from
his favorite record club.
…Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently,
and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.
Perverted Facts of Life
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”
What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They’ll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Kiss it and make it better
Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane. He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better.On the way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better.Returning from the store, Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him in a very private part of his anatomy. Johnny rushed home.His mother said, “Son, you’re getting more like your father every day!”
Cierto d�a, un anciano de
Mommy’s Sponge
A little boy had never seen his mother naked before. One day he
saw and then he went to his father and asked, “Daddy, whats that
hairy thing down there. The father didn’t know what to say. He
quickly said, “Oh thats a sponge.” The next day the father got
home and asked the boy what he did today. He said, “Well, I
watched cartoons while mommy was upstairs washing the plummer’s
face.”
Cigar Anyone?
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this …fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
Masturbate?
Your momma is so dumb she heard it was gonna…
Mouse Adventure (sick)
Once upon a time, there was a mouse family that lived in a bathroom. One day, the youngest mouse went out to get some cheese. His mother and father decided to stay in the bathroom. The mouse returned almost an hour later. His parents asked him what took so long. The mouse said, “Well first, I accidentaly fell into a lake. Then there was rain followed by thunder. I would have died if it hadn’t been for a brown log that was floating around!”