Purpee Jokes

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me
at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I
am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m
not here for the money anyway.

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, “Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

The cook, who hates to be told how to cook, hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.

The guy then orders a box of fries, “Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.

Then the guy orders a hamburger, “Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, “You can just kiss my ass, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the grooove.”

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open…..and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?” The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”