We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Feels like a fanny
Letterman Jackets
OKay, this chick walks into a pharmacy. There’s a guy at the counter.
The chick says, “Doctor! I need your help!”
He says “What do you need?”
She takes off her shirt and she’s got this big ‘O’ on her chest. She says, “How do I get rid of this?”
The doctor said, “how’d it happen?”
She goes, “Well, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, he wears his Oklahoma University jacket!”
The doctor said “Just tell him to take it off.”
She said “OK.”
And then this other chick walks in with the same problem and goes,”Doctor! Help! I’ve got a big “F” on my chest!”
He was like, ‘Holy crap, another girl with the same problem?’ and he says, “Just tell him to take it off.”
And she said “OK.”
And then this third chick walks in with the same problem and says, “Doctor! Help! I’ve got a big “W” on my chest!”
The doctor was thinking, ‘What the hell! Same thing again!’ He says, “Lemme guess. Your boy friend goes to Wisconsin U and when he has sex with you he wears his jacket.”
And she says, “Well, not quite. My girlfriend goes to Michigan.”
Dumb Messages and Warnings
“Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” — On a
bottle of shampoo for dogs.
“Do not use while sleeping.” — On a hair dryer.
“Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” — On a lighter.
“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the
styrofoam packing.
“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides
of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume
were handholds.
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of
sleeping pills.
“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal
barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a
chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch
inflatable picture frame.
“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield
(for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
“Do not drive cars in ocean.” — In small print at the bottom of the
screen during a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless
phone.
—————————————————
Signs and Notices:
“No stopping or standing.” — A sign at a bus stop.
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Safety Procedures:
“Take care: new non-slip surface.” — On a sign in front of a newly
renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
“In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill
quickly.” — One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Can I Have A Drink?
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, “Da-ad…””What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.”Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??””I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later… “Daaaa-aaaad…” “WHAT??!!””When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
Este era un joven al
Este era un joven al que toda su vida sus padres le dijeron que la vagina ten�a dientes. Un d�a, conoce a una joven que lo invita a su casa. Ella se desnuda y le dice:
“Soy toda tuya”.
El tipo, enfurecido, le reclama:
“�Est�s loca? �Cochina de mierda, eres una perra! Tienes dientes en tu vagina y quieres comerme el pene.
“�No, imb�cil! �Qui�n te dijo semejante estupidez?”
“�S�, si tienes dientes en la vagina!”
“�C�mo crees eso!”
“S�, mis padres toda mi vida me han dicho que la vagina tiene dientes y t� s�lo quieres comerme el pene. �Maraca!”
“Mira, mete el dedito para que veas que no tengo dientes”.
“�Est�s loca, me lo morder�s!”
“�No seas est�pido!”, le grita al tiempo que toma la mano del joven y la introduce en la vagina.
“�Tengo dientes, hijo de puta?”
“�No, pero tienes las enc�as hechas mierda!”
Valentine’s Day…
One
Cats & Dogs
Cats & Dogs 1. What is a cat? _________________ Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. ———– 2. What is a dog? __________________ Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats
The Dog and a Cat
One day a little boy was walking down the street and noticed a doggy on a cats back. He said to his mum, “mummy look! that cat is giving that dog a piggy back!”, he said. The mother replied, ” No son, dont look, that dog is shagging that cat!”, The young boy thought for a while and said to his mum, “have you ever shagged someone?”, he said curious. “Yes, when you hear banging at night, thats me and your dad at it!”, She explained.
“Mummy, You wanna shag?” He said.
Andy Rooney on…
Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney on cripes.
My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
Andy Rooney on Grandmas.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are,too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP “Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”
Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
Vengeance Is Mine!
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got
home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the
man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in
a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You�re not going to cut it
off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the
garage on fire.”