Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.
Taxi Fare
Thumb Sucking
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh .. I know what you’ve been doing.”
Space mission
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.
While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, “Pig#1, do you know your mission?”
The pig replies, “Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.”
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, “Pig #2, do you know your mission?”
The second pig replies, “Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth, land shuttle. Oink oink.”
Then NASA asks the blonde, “Blonde woman, do you know your mission?”
The blonde woman replies, “Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. ‘Feed the pigs, and DON’T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and
asked the Baby Bear, “So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?”
“Oh, no,” Baby Bear replied, “I don’t want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat
me.”
“Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,” answered the judge.
“On, no, I don’t want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.”
“Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?”
Baby Bear said, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don’t beat
anybody!”
Watermelons
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was
disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night
and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever
idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up
and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field
has been injected with cyanide.”
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s
sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no
watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”
Are you married?
The New Viagra Product Line
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be determined: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”
En la alcoba conyugal, la
En la alcoba conyugal, la sensual esposa recibe al marido a las tres de la ma�ana dici�ndole:
“Desabrocha mi blusa y d�jala sobre la cama.”
“S�.”
“Ahora el sost�n y ponlo en la silla.”
“Claro.”
“Deja mi falda en el ropero.”
“Bueno.”
“Ahora mis pantys en el cesto.”
“Ya est�.”
“�Y que sea la �ltima vez que te pones mi ropa, maric�n de mierda!”
Yo mama is so fat
Knock KnockWho’s there?Bolzano!Bolzano who?Bolzano the
Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.”Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. “Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” “There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”