12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Get ready for Work
Re-election campaign
A quote on marriage
Viagra alert!
Adult Resignation
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So….here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re It!”
He’s so fast
A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,…
In most offices, the photocopier
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.The copier is out of order!Yes, we have called the service man.Yes, he will be in today.No, we cannot fix it.No, we do not know how long it will take.No, we do not know what caused it.No, we do not know who broke it.Yes, we are keeping it.No, we do not know what you are going to do now.Thank You
Damn fat ass elephants!!
Clocks in Heaven
As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, “St. Peter, what’s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?”
St. Peter replied, “The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.”
“Click.” The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. “Click.” It moved another minute. “Sam must be into closing a customer right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day.”
The man continues to look around. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man.
“That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”
The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”
Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.”