Knock KnockWho’s there?Les!Les who?Les go for a swim!
The frog & the man
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.’ He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero’ The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.’ The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog then cried out, ‘If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.’ Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, ‘What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?’The man said, ‘Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.’
The fool
Iraqi Navy
Bush on tour
On a tour US President George Bush visits a school and explains his political
actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don’t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they came back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask
questions. This time Joey rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got five
questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don’t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Little Bob?
Ways to tell someone their fly is open.
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
The Top 14 Worst Things to Say at Your Trial
14> “Wait! It’s a little tight, but… Yes! The glove *does* fit!”
13> “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire.”
12> “Don’t worry, Your Honor — it ain’t loaded.”
11> “I request a change of venue to Virginia. No, wait… Texas!”
10> “I got your DNA right here, pal!”
9> “Oh yeah? You and what jury?”
8> “Is this gonna take long? ‘Cause I really gotta run by the store and pick up some more formaldehyde.”
7> “Liar! You couldn’t have seen me, I was wearing a mask!”
6> “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Naw, I’m just joking. Bring that bible back up here.”
5> “You call these friggin’ boneheads a jury of my peers?”
4> “Rape and murder? Absolutely not, Your Honor. At least, not in that order.”
3> “Your Honor, with your permission, I’d like to play the race card now.”
2> “Who died and made you Mr. I-Decide-The-Law?”
1> “Hey, who do I have to stab to get a glass of water around here?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Bumper Sticker #105
Every morning is the dawn
Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having
mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3
of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath
and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Too light for heavy work
Preganat wife? Avoid these!
Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:
17. “I finished the Oreos.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk ?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”