First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
Selling the Wife
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him
what happened.
“I did a terrible thing�, sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my
wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”
“That is awful,” said the other guy�,and now that she is gone you want her
back right?”
“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.
“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still
loved her, right?”
“Oh, No,” said the drunk. I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”
There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to d
Federal Employee Evaluation
1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be.
5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
14. A room temperature IQ.
15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Fell out of the family tree.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He is so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Triplets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber
runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies
are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to
operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears. “What’s wrong?� asks the mother. “I was taking pee and this bullet came
out,� replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what
happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the
room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out”. Again the
mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week
later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,� says the mom, “I know
what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.” “No,” says the boy,
“I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
Gun for the Hubby
Ode to Spell Checkers
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Bunnies and Carrots
Shave Closely
Jim and Ethel had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two-up two-down terrace house.
After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio downtown for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays thru Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
“There’s just one problem,” explains the model. “Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath.”
“That’s not a problem,” replies Ethel, “we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water.”
“What about your husband?” asks the model.
“Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he’ll be out in the evenings,” replies Ethel.
“Good,” says the model, “that’s settled. I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight.”
That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Ethel prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Ethel is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Ethel’s staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does not believe her. “It’s true, I tell you,” says Ethel. “Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.”
The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Ethel, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model’s hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Jim returns and they retire to bed. “Well do you believe me now?” she asks Jim.
“Yes,” he replies. “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?
“Just to show you the difference,” answers Ethel, “but anyway you’ve seen me with no knickers on thousands of times.”
“Yes,” says Jim, “I have…but the rest of the fucking darts team haven’t.”
Skinny Maxipad
old lady says "f*ck"
Top Ten Signs The Concert You’re Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
From “Late Show with David Letterman” on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It’s hosted by Ed McMahon.9. “Amplifiers” are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.7. You’re asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you’re being introduced as Bob Dylan.6. One word: polkas.5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.4. “Santana” turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.3. They’re playing “May we turn the hose on you, please?” [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night’s show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.1. The crowd is chanting, “Tito! Tito! Tito!”