A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?” The duck says, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”
nightmares
Irish Confession
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long; she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her
about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he
wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the
kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and
within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels,
leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is given’ out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!”
You’re a redneck … the most commonly heard
Which hole?
there was once a golfer and his caddy. The golfer and the caddy went to a night club. That
night the caddy went home with a japanese girl.
So they went into his apartment and made love for hours on end. while they were doing it the
girl started shouting out “YAKAMOUDO!”
The next day the caddy and the golfer went out golfing and there were lots of japanese tourists
there. Then the golfer got a hole in one and the
tourists yelled out “YAKAMOUDO!” The caddy said to the golfer that must mean very good. Then the golfer said actually it means wrong hole.
Pasteurized
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and curtis
Geriatric Sex
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time …… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year….. maybe on your anniversary.The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.””What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.”Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom…. And she yells, ‘Fuck You!!!!!’ and I holler back, ‘Fuck You too.’ “
Yo mama
Knock KnockWho’s there?Alda!Alda who?Alda time
keeping an idiot busy
this is how you keep an idiot busy……..
peat and repeat where on a boat peat fell off who was left?
answer? (repeat)
peat and repeat where on a boat peat fell off who was left?
answer? (repeat)
peat and repeat where on a boat peat fell off who was left?
(your answer will always be repeat and you will always tell a person to “repeat”)