Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her…
Things You’ll Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational min. salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
My cookies
One day, a little boy goes over to his grandparents house and is sitting out on the poarch with his grandfather.
Grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy asks if he can have a sip.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?” replies the grandpa.
He says no, so the grandpa says “well, then you arent old enough yet to drink beer”.
The little boy goes back to his grandparents house about a week later and is again sitting on the poarch with grandpa, and again asks if he can have a sip of grandpa’s beer.
“Can your dick touch your asshole yet?” He says it still cant, so Grandpa say “Sorry, but youre still not old enough yet”
The little boy goes inside where grandma gives him a plate of fresh cookies. He goes back outside and Grandpa asks him if he can have one.
“Can YOUR dick touch YOUR asshole, Grandpa?”
“Sure can” says Grandpa.
“Well good for you, then go fuck yourself, cuz these are my cookies”
Q: How many bankers
Taxman wins $1000
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”
A penguin’s breakdown
A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kinds of trouble…the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there’s fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him it’ll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is.The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.The mechanic looks up and tells him ‘Looks like you’ve blown a seal.’The penguin says ‘No! Really, I just had an ice cream cone!’
A woman
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good
idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked,
“Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s
no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long
as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked, “You
can get pregnant from anal sex?” The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you
think lawyers come from?”
Una mujer y un cura
Una mujer y un cura en el confesionario:
“Padre, por favor b�seme los senos.”
“Mujer blasfema, esos senos con que das de lactar a tus hijos, �10 padres nuestros y diez avemar�as!”
“Al rato, despu�s de rezar las plegarias:
“�Padre, m�tamelo por la boca, por favor!”
“�Mujer inmunda!, con esos labios besas a tus hijos, �50 padres nuestros y 50 avemar�as!”
“Padre, yo le rezo todo lo que quiera �pero s�queme el pene del culo que me duele�”
Question and answer blonde joke
Lucky Shot
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. “I am
the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. “No, you’re
not�, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. “I am the smallest person in the world,”
shouted Tom Thumb. “No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. “I’ve
had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don Juan. “No, you
haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the
three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin,
clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and
summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one
at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming
“I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so�. In went Tom Thumb
and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: “I am the smallest person in
the world, Merlin agrees.” In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an
hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who
the hell is Bill Clinton?”
If God Made Software …
If God made software …
… It would always work, and work perfectly every time.
… It would have every feature a user REALLY needed.
… The software would never expire or go out of date.
… It would come with automatic back-up and rescue utilities.
… It would recommend votive candles for installation, training, and
support.
… Upgrades could be installed with a little extra effort on the user’s
part, but would come with built-in support.
… Help would be available 24 x 7 at no charge.
… Support calls would never have busy signals or voice menus.
… Support for the product would never be discontinued.
… It wouldn’t be junk.
… It would be compliant for all millenia.
… Help for one application would work for all other applications.
… Games would teach us important life lessons, too.
… It would be immune to viruses (and XXX web sites).
… It would work on every hardware platform and every user configuration.
… The software would work particularly well when the hardware was
failing.
… You wouldn’t need any kind of special peripheral device or internet
connection.
… You should always have enough memory to run it.
… A monopoly would be a good thing.