You might be a redneck if…You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music. You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick. You can chew your own toenails.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles. You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty. You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.Your mama has more tattoos than you do. You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples. Your whole family sleeps in the same bed. You consider your annual bath one too many. You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
Pheasant Flies Up Tree
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven”t got the energy”.
Well, why don”t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They”re packed with nutrients”.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won”t keep you there.
Artifical IQ
Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
TOP 10 Viagra Slogans
Following are the top ten marketing slogans being considered for Viagra:
10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, Ten inches long… and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to
… and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your schlong. This is your schlong on Viagra. Any questions?
Un hombre de edad avanzada
Un hombre de edad avanzada va caminando a la orilla del lago. De pronto siente que “algo” le brinca al zapato y descubre con asombro que es una rana enorme.
De pronto, la Rana le dice en tono esperanzador: “Si usted me besa, yo me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo”.
El hombre, sorprendido ante tal invitaci�n, voltea para todos los lados y al darse cuenta de que no es visto, toma a la rana y se la mete dentro de la camisa.
De inmediato sigue su camino. Minutos m�s tarde la rana le pregunta: “Oiga usted buen hombre, que no me vas a besar. Mire que me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo.”
A lo que el hombre mayor le dice:
“Mira Princesita, a mi edad es m�s divertido tener una rana que habla”.
Your Momma……………
Watch
Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
“It’s a quarter to six”, he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out…”
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The
time is eleven till six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding.” The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
“That’s not all…”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning”, explains Jake. “View recede ten,” Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” Says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the
bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and he proceeds to
demonstrate. “The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far.” Says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!” Says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.
“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute.” Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. “Don’t forget your
batteries.”
Bad Job
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this???? Just think FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Don’t Look
Los pap�s de una ni�a
Los pap�s de una ni�a le regalan un globo. Todo el d�a la ni�a juega feliz con �l, hasta que llega la hora de ir a dormir, y sin saber donde guardarlo lo mete dentro del sanitario.
Como a las 3 de la ma�ana se despierta la madre con una diarrea tremenda, por lo menos 2 horas seguidas cagando. Al fin termina y cuando mira su obra de arte �se lleva tremenda sorpresa! Espantada, llama al marido y �ste llama al medico de la familia para que revise a su esposa.
Por fin llega el medico y le hace todos los ex�menes a la mujer sin encontrarle ning�n problema grave, as� que decide realizarle una biopsia al mont�n de mierda… saca su bistur� y al pinchar el globo vuela caca a todas partes.
Un poco sorprendido, el m�dico se limpia los restos de popo que tiene en su cara y luego le dice a la pareja:
“�En veinte a�os que llevo ejerciendo mi profesi�n, esta es la primera vez en mi vida que veo un pedo con c�scara!”
Guide to Atlanta
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree…”
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.
4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That’s all we drink here, so don’t ask for any other soft drink.
5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive”.
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.
10. “Sir” and “Ma’am” are used by the person speaking to you if there’s a remote possibility that you’re at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. “Sugar” is a more common form of address than “Miss”. So is “Honey”.
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you’re standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you’re expected to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced “Lan-uh”.
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
17. Construction crews aren’t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be a common theme in almost any major American city).
18. Atlanta’s traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta’s traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.