“In other words, I don’t think people ought to be compelled to make the
decision which they think is best for their family.” �George W. Bush, on
smallpox vaccinations, Washington, D.C.
Puns by the Pound!
Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow-job…
Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar?
A: He couldn’t blow the safe do he went down on the elevator…
Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view…
Q: Why are eggs so frusterated?
A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you’ve gotta boil them to get them hard…
Q: Where do you get virgin wool?
A: From ugly sheep…
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets…
Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
A: He had to learn how to read ilps…
Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: You’d be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead…
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Cause they dont know the words…
Q: Where are an elephant’s sex organs?
A: In his feet- if he steps on you you’re fucked…
Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: If she farts, her ankles will swell…
Q: What’s the ulitmate rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep…
Q: How do you know when an elephant’s been fucking in your garage?
A: Your Hefty bags are missing…
More Man Slamming!
You know a man’s lying if his lips are moving.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be let out alone.
Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.
Boring men are like snot – they get up your nose.
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong,
caring,loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.
Jack and Jill went up the . . . .
Come Back Tomorrow
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
Essex girl joke
Dyslexic
Handicapped
The fuk up
a man got invited 2 a party with a king and queen.the king stood up and said here in front of me i have a pool of crocodiles the man who can make it across successfully can marry my beutiful daughter or have �1 million the party carried on and then suddenely there was a splash there was a man frantically swimming across the pool and made it too the other side the king was gobsmacked,so what shall it be said the king,the man said neither i just want the bastard who pushed me in……
Convict
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”Dear,’ the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!’
Education for women
Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.” The man thought for a moment and said… “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!”