A man from a construstion site walks into a bar with a piece of pavement under his arm.
He says to the bartender
“Give me a beer…and one for the road.”
The Top 15 Rejected Department of Homeland Security Slogans
15> Homeland Security: Taste the Rainbow
14> We’re Watching You, Commie
13> So Many Colors, So Little Time
12> We’ll Watch Over You Like a Big Brother
11> The Stealthy, Sneaky, Privacy-Invading Alert-Issuing Hide-Under-Your-Bed-While-Bush-Bombs-Iraq Agency
10> Now With 20 Percent Fewer Constitutional Freedoms!
9> Don’t Be Afraid of a Terrorist Iraqi — Just Move to Canada and Learn to Play Hockey!
8> Pay No Attention to the Economy Behind the Curtain!
7> Orange You Glad We Didn’t Say “Red”?
6> Whoa, That Bill Clinton Sure Was a Randy Son of a Gun!
5> Dude, Where’s Your Duct Tape?
4> Be Prepared. Wear Brown Pants.
3> Now With Color-Coded Garanimals Threat Charts!
2> Shhhh!!! We’re Hunting Wabbits.
1> Holy Shit!! What Was THAT!!!???
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Three Wishes
Three Wishes
This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when “poof” a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
“I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, ” says the guy. The genie wasn’t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
“Guy,” the genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish.”
“Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.”
“That’s easy, Guy,” says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
“Genie,” the guy said, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.”
“Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready,” and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then
80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
“Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….
Diagnosis
“You’ve got a touch of pneumonia,” said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
“Are you sure, sir?” queried one worried man. “I have known civilian people told they have pneumonia but then die of something quite different.”
“You are not in civil life, Samson. You’re in the Army!” thundered the medical officer. “And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Knock Knock 107
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Jupiter!
Jupiter who!
Jupiter fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Jussi!
Jussi who!
Jussi fruit!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Redneck Circumcision (sick)
Money isn’t …
Dating children.
These chickens want books
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and
say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books,
and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and
say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another
three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the
librarian, looking very annoyed and say, ‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’ The
librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they
request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this
point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens
throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit
Rrredit Rrredit…”
Torture Your Roommate During Holidays
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he
tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash
on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap.
Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming
to town…”
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or
leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal
and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very
naughty this year.”
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain
about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. “You know, I
saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last
night.”)
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front
teeth…”
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of
Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its
head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t
work!”
13. Whip your roommate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now
Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
14. Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling
“Bah Humbug!”
15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future,
please have mercy on my soul!”
16. Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a
house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best
parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s
friends “give it a yank.”
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings
an angel gets his wings.”
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole
Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up
sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping…”
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.
When your roommate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay
here, there’s no room at the inn.”
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her
possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
El marido, muy canchero, le
El marido, muy canchero, le dice a la mujer que otra vez tiene una partida de p�quer con Julio. La mina, muy podrida por los enga�os, le jura que si lo pesca en otra mentira cuando este dormido se lo corta.
El tipo jura que es inocente, pero igual espera a que la bruja se duerma para salir de trampa. Cuando vuelve, se duerme como un animal. La mujer aprovecha y con un tramontina se lo corta de un saque. La esposa, con una crisis hist�rica, a lo �nico que atina es a agarrar el auto y salir a toda velocidad a la ruta.
Cuando reacciona, decide tirar el noble pene por la ventanilla con todas sus fuerzas. Detr�s de la mina ven�an dos borrachos en un ratrejero piojoso y con tan mala suerte, que el miembro se estrella contra el parabrisas y se lo enchastra todo; el borrach�n que manejaba le comenta al otro:
“�Che, cacho, qu� pijuda que vienen las mariposas!”
Communication Problem
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.