Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another

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That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?

Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go
introduce myself!

His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m
happy for them both.

If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!

We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!

He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!

Why

I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

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How Darth Vader Stole Christmas

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In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

“Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

“How could you possibly know what I’m getting for Christmas?”

Darth Vader…. “Because I’ve felt your presents….”

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La mam� de Pepito le

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La mam� de Pepito le ordena:

“Pepito, ve a comprar porotos”.

Pepito obedeci� y fue a comprar porotos para la cena, pero se gast� casi todo el dinero en dulces, s�lo le sobraron $300 pesos. Al salir vio a un hombre vendiendo un kilo de balas a $300 pesos, Pepito las compr� y las pint� de caf� para hacerlas pasar por porotos. Al llegar se las entreg� a su mam� y ella no not� nada. Pero en la noche, la mam� de Pepito viene y le reclama:

“Pepito, �d�nde compraste esos porotos?”

“�Por qu�?”

“�Es que tu pap� se tir� un pedo y mat� al gato!”

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Italian on bus

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

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The Hollywood/English Dictionary

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VERBS:

to schmooze = befriend scum
to pitch = grovel shamelessly
to brainstorm = feign preparedness
to research = procrastinate indefinitely
to network = spread disinformation
to collaborate = argue incessantly
to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

agent = frustrated lawyer
lawyer = frustrated producer
producer = frustrated writer
writer = frustrated director
director = frustrated actor
actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS:

high-concept = low brow
production value = gore
entry-level = pays nothing
highly qualified = knows the producer
network approved = had made them money

FINANCIAL TERMS:

net = something that apparently doesn’t exist
gross = Michael Eisner’s salary
back-end = you, if you think you’ll ever see it
residuals = braces for the kids
deferral = don’t hold your breath
points = see “net” or “back-end”

COMMON PHRASES:

You can trust me = You must be new
It needs some polishing = Change everything
It shows promise = It stinks rotten
It needs some fine tuning = Change everything
I’d like some input = I want total control
It needs some honing = Change everything
Call me back next week = Stay out of my life
It needs some tightening = Change everything
Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want
It needs some streamlining = Change everything
You’ll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever

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Note from GOD

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One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called
on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she
told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent
him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and
told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good
and encourage them, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, so you didn’t get one either?

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Bullets in a cake

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One day there was a grandmother, her 2 grandaughters, and her grandson and they were baking a cake. And as they were baking the cake their grandmother accidently put bullets in the cake, but she said that it will be ok. And so they finished the cake and the grandchildren ate it and a couple hours later her first grandaughter came downstairs and told her grandmother that she had peed out a bullet. Then a couple minuets later her second grandaughter came down and said grandma grandma I peed out a bullet. Then her grandson came down a couple minuets later and said grandma grandma guess what. and his grandma said let me guess you peed out a bullet too. Then, the grandon said no, I was jacking off and i shot the dog.

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