On the Range

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A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you?”

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Saint Peter in the Gates of Heaven. (Not recomended for the very religious)

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Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
“May the first person come.” He said

“Hello, Saint Peter.” said the first person.

“State you name and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.

“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”

“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”

And off the nun went.

“Next.” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”

“I spent my life like a normal human being.” another woman said. “I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”

“Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now.” he said. “Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?”

“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night.” said a beautiful Girl.

“Here is a key made of Copper.” he said.

“Is that the key to Hell?!”

“No, thst is the key, for my apartment.”

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Screwed to death?

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

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Fax through the ass

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There were three guys in a hot tub, one was an asian , one was a muslim, and the other was a white guy.
They were all sitting there when the white guy heard a ringing noise and looked over to the muslim guy pushing buttons on his hand.
“hey” asked the white guy . “What are you doing?”
The muslim guy answered “oh, i got a chip put in my hand so my cell phone is planted in my hand.”
“oh, thats cool, ” said the white guy.
Then they were all kicking back when the white guy heard a beeping, and looked over to the asian guy pushing buttons in his wrist.
“what are you doing?” asked the white guy
“oh, i had a chip put in my wrist so my pager is planted into my wrist.”
“oh thats cool, ” said the white guy.
then the white guy got up to use the restroom because he had to go shit real bad.when he came back the muslim guy asked, “whats that?” , “oh, ” said the white guy ” i had a chip put into my ass so now i can get faxes!!”

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Wooden Eye

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There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eye ball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eye ball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guy’s to proposition some of the local prostitute’s.

He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However instead of her mouth going across her face it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. she yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted” WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

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School Sweatshirts

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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.

“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

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2 toothpicks and…

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A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, ‘Don’t tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.’

‘Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?’

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. ‘Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. What’s going on?’

The man replies, ‘Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuff’s already gone.’

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Talking Parrots

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A woman approaches her priest and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”What do they say?’ the priest inquires.’They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?””That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”Thank you,’ the woman responds.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?’One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’

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