A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, �I better open this one and see what it�s all about.�So he opened it and it read: �Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.� �Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.� �I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?�The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, �Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?� �Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. � �By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.�
Blonde With 2 Horses
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn’t tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses’ ear.This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!
Father and Son discussion.
Somewhere in America, next week…
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What’s up, Dad?
Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping
sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the
mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
Son: No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch
the car?”. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From The President of the United States.
Cinese man
Voodo dick
A husband had to leave town on a buisness trip his wife was the flirtatious type so he thought about buying an infatable doll but that was too close to another man for him so he went to a adult toy store and talked to the old man behind the counter. The old man said well I really shouldnt show you this but ok….he bought out this box with all these stange looking symbols on it and inside lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The man was like
“That is like every other dildo in here.”
The old man said well you have mot seen what it can do..he pointed to the door and said “voodo dick, the door” the dildo rose up out of the box shot towards the door and started banging the heck out of the keyhole, before it could split down the middle the old man said “voodo dick back to the box.” the dildo stopped banging the keyhole and floted back to the box. The husband was so amazed he intantly offered the old man all his money and the old man accepted. He told the husband the intructions and the husband went home.
It was time to leave for his buisness trip and the husband told his wife..honey when you get really horny all you have to do is say voodo dick my p###y. so he left thinking everything was ok. Three days go by and his wife is really horny, she thinks of several men that can willingly satisfy her but she decides to give her husbands present a try, she whips it out and says “Voodo dick my p###y” and it thrust to her crotch and its like nothing she ever felt before..third orgasm she cant take anymore..she trys to remove the dildo but its stuck…she is trying to get dressed and is trembling from the vibrations she decides to drive herself to the hospital…on the way she has another orgasm and swerves off the road a cop sees her and pulls her over..he says mam may I see your drivers license and what have you been drinking. She says ” Officer you really dont understand (still shaking from the dildo) theres a voodo dick and its stuck in my p###y
He says ” ya right…voodo dick my ass.”
New rules for dieting!
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Holidays
The magic mirror
Legend has it that in the ladies room in a bar in New York there is a mirror that if you tell the truth in front of it you are granted one wish but if you tell a lie you are swallowed up by the mirror.
One day a ginger walked in and she was alright looking and said
“i think i am the most beatiful girl alive”” and poof she was swallowed up.
The a fat brunette walked in and said
“”I think i am the most sexiest woman in the world””and poof she was gone.
The in walked a blond and she said to the mirror
“”I think….. and poof she was gone.
“
Did you hear about t
Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me
- It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
- If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
- Ask why until you understand.
- Hang on tight.
- Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
- Make up the rules as you go along.
- It doesn’t matter who started it.
- Ask for sprinkles.
- If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
- Save a place in line for your friends.
- Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
- If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
- Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
- Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
- Making your bed is a waste of time.
- There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
- Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
- You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down
- You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game
Absent Minded Husband
The Top 15 Signs Your Pet Is a Reincarnated Celebrity
15> Every time a Paul McCartney song comes on, he piddles on the radio.
14> Not only has Rover gotten pretty heavy, he now lives in a van down by the river.
13> You’ve never seen a hamster so enraptured by the music of Led Zeppelin. At least not a heavy-drinking, kick-ass drumming sort of hamster.
12> There appears to be a toga party going on inside the Habitrail.
11> Before going to sleep, he turns to his left 500 times or until he runs into a wall.
10> Your Jack Russell pretends to be gay so he can live with you and your female roommate.
9> Your two baby chimps, Ookie and Kookie, are fascinated by news reports about Saddam Hussein’s capture.
8> Not only is he the tallest poodle anyone has ever seen, he claims to have had sex with 20,000 bitches.
7> Whenever your cat leaves something in the little box, she turns and says to it, “You old poop!”
6> Your hound dog howls inconsolably whenever the TV shows old pictures of Jacko and Lisa Marie.
5> Your cat, Jimi, not only catches mice, he then sets them on fire.
4> Points his paw at specific spots on the living room wall then swats his catnip mouse directly there.
3> Every time you throw a stick, your dog claps his paws and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme run and fetch it for him.
2> Ignoring her untouched food dish, your greyhound just keeps howling the melody to “Rainy Days and Mondays.”
1> She keeps barking something about Timmy and the well — from her aquarium.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]