Two cows are grazing in a pasture enjoying their grass. At around noon they decide to lay under a tree, chew their cud, and talk for awhile.The first cow says to the other, “Have you heard about that awful new Mad Cow Disease?”The second cow, chewing her cud says, “Yea, I heard about.”The first cow says, “Well, I’m really worried! I heard that a lot of the cows in the pasture down the road have caught it!”The second cow says, “Yea I heard.”The first cow says, “Well you don’t seem to worried about it!”The second cow says, “I’m Not worried.”Irate now, the first cow says, “how can you just lay there, and not worry about such a horrible Disease!?”The second cow says, “Easy, because I can’t catch it”The first cow says, “And Just What Makes Think That!!!”The second says, “Because you stupid Cow, Can’t you see I’m a Duck!!!”
Interesting Questions….
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
- Which is the other side of the street?
- Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
President Bush
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?””Moses,” replied the bird.”Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that Would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.”
Poison
Ya mammas that FAT
1 arm and 1 leg
Gay condom
Wedding Questions and Answers
Psychiatric outing
One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road.
I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”
Well, the bartender isn’t sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees.
The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, “Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”
The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts.
The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250.
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital.
The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, “It comes to $250.”
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, “That’s fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?”