Yours Fun Portal !
Q: How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he’s going to be re-elected?
A: He started dating again!
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane?
A: Apparently he thought President Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked about the campaign promises he broke?
A: “They seemed kinda like marriage vows.”
Q: What was Bill Clinton’s favorite part of the Olympics?
A: The Opening Ceremonies because it was the only time he could be around an old flame and not have to dodge allegations.
After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: “The Ten commandments.”
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: He has no class and no principals.
Q: Why aren’t Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.
`Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you area manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, as no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.’
20 things to do in school to get u in trouble
1. Walk into school, entirely in black with your hand shaped
like a gun in your pocket. If anyone questions you…. claim
your going to shoot everyone at school with your finger. ( hold
your hand in a gun motion in the air)
2. Walk up to the school counceler, drop to your knees and
scream “THE VOICES, THE VOICES……all of u SHUT UP!!!!!”
3. Walk up to a teacher of the opposite sex and ask them to ge
to dinner with u tonight.
4. Ask school nurse about viagra. ( or vagisil, condoms,
lubricant)
5. Drop a love note in best guy friends locker…….signed by a
another guy.
6. Try to fit inside your locker. If u are questioned simply say
“I need to get away from it all”
7. Ask the school counceler if anyone has ever commited suicide,
if the answer is yes, act excited and ask exactly how they did
it.
8. Write on the mirror in the teacher’s bathroom “I can see u”
9. Hand your math paper in with scribbles insted of answer..
when asked to explain say ” i was just trying to bring
creativity to the class”
10. Hand out invitations to Little Johnny’s funeral to all the
teachers.
11. Divise a code using only coughs.
12. If the teacher tells you u have a detention or to put your
name on the bored annonce to her you know she’s one of THEM.
13. Explain to the school pricipal there is a conspiricy against
you when he askes you why, back away with a frightened
expression saying “Your in it to, You all are trying to kill me”
14. Ask the teacher for a pencil, after she hands it to you,
turn around and ask one of the students for another
pencil.(while putting the teacher’s pencil in your pocket)
15. When the furrnace kicks on, raise your hand and ask “Does
anyone smell gas?”
16.Refuse to play in gym class, insisting you have a phobia of
sticks and balls.
17. While playing in trivia in class, ask if you can go to the
office to phone a friend.
18. Walk down the hall after a test, singing i’m a survivor..(
Before a test sing i will survive)
19. Answer all teachers questions with a loud and sudden “BEEP”
20. Claim u lost somthing very valuable, compile a search party
after you have everyone around the school searching. pull the
item out of your pocket screaming NEVERMIND!!!!”
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months”
“There you have it!” the doctor Cohen said confidently. “its just rust.”
a few jokes for your enjoyment:
one day, a blonde walked out side four or five times to her
mailbox, until her neighbor asked what in the world is she doin.
Then she replied, my computer said that i have mail!
A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well,
I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that
you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our
hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and
there has been an accident right out front and a young couple
was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The
man’s brain costs $100,000 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000″.
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference
between the male and the female brain?” The doctor replied, “The
female brain is used.”
Fred was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than
men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that
showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed
to women, who use at least 3,000. Nancy, his wife, pondered this
for a little while and then thought of an answer. “Women”, she
said, “must use twice as many words as men, because they have to
repeat every thing they say.” “What?”, Fred answered.
When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities – she is
an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room
and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three
qualities remain, but not in the same order – she is an
aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an
economist in bed.
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.
“Last night I made love to my wife three times” boasted the Frenchman.
“She was in sheer ectasy this morning…”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once.” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”