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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. “You only have six months to live.”
The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, “There’s only one thing I can do, I’m going to become a Communist.”
The doctor asks,”You’ve been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?”
The man says, “Better one of them should die than one of us!”
Un hombre entra a su restaurante favorito, y se sienta en la mesa de siempre. Da una mirada a su alrededor y descubre a una hermosa mujer en una mesa cercana. Estaba completamente sola. El tipo llama al mozo y le indica enviar a la mujer la botella del Merlot m�s caro que tuvieran, adivinando que si la mujer aceptaba la botella se rendir�a a sus pies. El mozo lleva la botella a la mesa de la mujer:
“Esto es de parte del caballero de aquella mesa” dice, se�alando al hombre. La mujer mira la botella con frialdad durante un segundo, y decide enviarle una nota al hombre. Se la da al mozo, y el mozo la entrega al destinatario.
La nota dec�a:
“Para que yo acepte esta botella, Usted deber�a tener un Mercedes en su garaje, un mill�n de d�lares en �l Banco y 20 cm. en sus pantalones.”
Despu�s de leer la nota, el hombre decide contestar. Le da una nota al mozo para que la entregue a la mujer. La nota dec�a:
“Para deleitar su petici�n, podr�a vender mi Ferrari Modena 360 y mi BMW 850 iL y quedarme s�lo con el Mercedes 600 SEL en mi garaje. Podr�a tambi�n invertir o donar doce de los trece millones de d�lares en mi cuenta. Pero… ni por una mujer tan bella como usted me cortar�a cinco cent�metros!
P.D: Env�eme la botella de vuelta.
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was
on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman.
“I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in
person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but
do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unto’?”
Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t
tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thought for quite a while, and then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for
is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
One day a police officer wanders along the beach. He notices a kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.
Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you, you should not do this again the next time I come.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.
Another day the same officer goes by the beach. He notices the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.
Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you the last time, otherwise you will be punished fiercely.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.
The following day, the officer comes to beach and sees the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and nothing more…
Officer: What is this, kid?
Kid : It is a fireman.
Officer: Why don’t you shit on it?
Kid : Then it becomes a policeman!
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, ‘Shut up… you’re next.’
Bird Tags According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.” The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said “Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog”. “Well then, you’re a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him”, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.”Good luck”, Joe said,”hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later”. That evening, Bob came back to Joe’s, and Joe came out to meet them. “Well, how many did you get?”, Joe asked. “We didn’t get any” Bob shouted. “That’s unbelievable” Joe exclaimed. Bob said,”Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit”.