There’s the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.”Son,” he said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I’m afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle.””Jesus,” gasped the patient.”What’s the good news?””The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots.”
Hotel
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.”You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Footballers
Yo momma
In Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, “Why the panties?”She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this – a black condom?”He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”
Laugh on Friday
Knock KnockWho’s there?Stu!Stu who?Stu late
Bad Day Blondie
Blue collar poem
Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear; You’ve been on overtime almost all year; And since you are gone till way late at night, A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, please don’t be a fool; Working overtime is wasting your tool; For better it is to be poor all your life, Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;
I used to be happy as your little queen, But now every night you’re nowhere to be seen; You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.
Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed, Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead; I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.
I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes, I’ve played with your balls, but your pecker won’t rise; So I’ll find me a man who works eight hours a day, And while you’re at work, we’ll proceed to make hay.
For in this whole world there is only one sin, For which there’s no pardon, and never has been; And that is a man who is so foolish and mean, That he gives up his screwing to run a machine.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Your momma
Paddy and shamus
Two builders (Paddy and Shamus) are seated either side of table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a Guinness and sits on a stool at the bar.
So Paddy and Shamus start to speculate about the occupation of the suit …
Paddy: I reckon he’s an accountant. Shamus: No bleedin way, he’s a stockbroker. Paddy: He ain’t no bleedin stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t be seen dead in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of Guinness gets the better of Paddy and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several Guinness get the better of the Paddy …
Paddy: Scuse me sir … no offence meant, but me and me mate Shamus were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession! Paddy: Oh! What’s dat den? Suit: I’ll try to explain by example … Do you have a goldfish at home? Paddy: Er .. mmm … well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Paddy: It’s in me pond! Suit: Well then, it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Paddy: As it happens, yes I have got a huge big garden! Suit: Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Paddy: As it so happens, I’ve got a five bedroom house… built it myself, I did! Suit: Well, given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Paddy: Yes I am married, I live with me wife and three fine kids. Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Paddy: Yep! Regular as clockwork four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Paddy: Me? No never ever. Suit: Well there you are! That’s logical science at work! Paddy: How’s dat den? Suit: Well from finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve also found out all about your sex life! Paddy: I see! That’s pretty impressive … thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Paddy returns to Shamus.
Shamus: I see dat suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Paddy: Yep, I did dat! He’s a logical scientist! Shamus: What’s dat den? Paddy: Look you here Shamus and I’ll try and explain.
Do you have a goldfish?
Shamus: Nope.
Paddy: Well then, you’re a wanker.
Wooden Eye
There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eye ball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eye ball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guy’s to proposition some of the local prostitute’s.
He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However instead of her mouth going across her face it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.
This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. she yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted” WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.