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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied.
“I think it’s printed on the bottom!”
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the
box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,”
the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
Angustiado, un anciano acude al m�dico:
“Doctor, f�jese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. �Qu� me recomienda?”
“Mire, ahora hay una operaci�n muy buena para eso”.
“Ah, s�, doctor �y cu�l es esa operaci�n?”
“En el argot m�dico se conoce como la operaci�n jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha”.
There is a pond, and above this pond there is a fly. Underneath the water there is a fish who sees the fly and says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on that water, I’m gonna get me that fly”
Standing on the shore of the pond is a bear who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and that fish jumps out and gets that fly…I’m gonna get me that fish.”
Standing off behind a tree is a hunter who sees the bear and thinks to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets that fish…I’m gonna shoot me that bear.”
Hanging out of the hunter’s back pocket is a half of a sandwich. Standing behind the hunter is a mouse who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on that water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and that hunter shoots that bear…the sandwich might fall out of his pocket and I’ll get me that sandwich.”
Standing off behind the mouse is a cat who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and the hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hunter’s pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich…I’m gonna get me that mouse.”
Well sure enough the fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hutner’s pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich and the cat lunges for the mouse but misses(!) and rolls down the hill and lands in the lake.
MORAL OF THE STORY…A LOTTA SHIT HAS TO HAPPEN FOR THE PUSSY TO GET WET!!!
Three presidents and Bill Clinton are in Air Force One. The engines start to
die and the plane starts to go down. The pilot comes out and says there is only
one parachute I will stay and die for my country but the rest of you will have
to decide who�s going to jump and who will live. So the first general jumps out
the back and yells, �I did it for my country�! The second general jumps out and
says, �I did it for my country�! Now the third general pushes Bill Clinton out
the window and says, �I did it for my country�!
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”
An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order. He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, “But it’s still empty!”The main replies, “I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldn’t do it. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldn’t get the lid off that jar!”
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don’t return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could’ve done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
“Year-at-a-glance”
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What’s a tuba for?
1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don’t play.
What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are bigger.
What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What’s the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one. One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end… it would be a good idea.
Where’s a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.
What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?” 12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment. 13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”. 14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?” 15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?” 16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. 17. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. 18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions. 19. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”. 20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.