Yo mama so tall she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.
When writing, always make sure
Milk
Three Dogs
Definitions from Kids
Science definitions from Kids…
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: to become a naturalized German.
Liter: a nest of young puppies.
Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Tilt
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol’ wan is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except them feckers won’t let me fart.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Tantilazing
Data transfer
Peter Pan
At any level of traffic,
Peanuts?
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,”
he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Emotional Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
The Statue
There was this guy who worked as a stockbroker. Being a stockbroker, he led a very tense kind of life. So one day, he decided that enough is enough, I am going away to somewhere to relax. So he visited all the travel agencies in his town, and decided on a trip to a really unpopulated island. So off he went.
Upon reaching the island, he was overwhelmed by the beauty of the place. He had also heard from the locals about this very beautiful lake located nearby. So after putting down his stuff, he decided to explore the island by himself, to see the lake for himself. So he trekked across the terrain, armed with a towel and a cake of soap. It was then that he saw the lake. It indeed was most beautiful lake he had ever seen in his whole life. He could not control his desire to go for a dip in the lake. However, he also realised that he had forgot his trunks.
Looking around, he then told himself that it would be rather safe to swim naked here, since there was no one around within 5 miles. So off came his shorts, and into the water he went. What a fantastic feeling! He was so engrossed that he did not realise a group of young convent nuns approaching. When he finally did realise, he had run out of time, so he jumped out of the water and pretended to be a statue. Holding his towel on his right hand and the cake of soap on his left hand, he could only stay very still and pray that the nuns were just passing through.
As luck would have had it, the group of convent nuns were actually here to have their shower. As they started to undress, the guy realised that some of them had the most wonderful figures the man had ever set his eyes on. Naturally, he began to get a hard-on. After swimming in the lake for a while, one of the nuns finally saw the ‘statue’ from afar. So she ran towards it to take a closer look. She saw a funny looking lever at the bottom, and started to tug at it. The man started to squirm, and got weak in his right arm. Poof, down came to towel .
The nun ran back enthusiastically and exclaimed, “Hey look, PULL the lever and get a towel!”
So a second nun came along and tugged at the lever. Again, the man started to squirm, and poof, down came the cake of soap.
So the second nun ran back enthusiastically and exclaimed, “Hey look, PULL the lever and get a free cake of soap!”
A third nun then came along, and tugged at the “lever”, hoping for some freebies. By this time, the man was already on the verge of a climax, having been handled by two women. The third nun continued to pull the lever furiously, but without success.
Finally, she went back and told the earlier two nuns, ” I pulled the lever so many times, and all I got was some shampoo…”.