this Irishman walks into a bar and he notices down at the end of the bar, threes a guy that looks identical to himself. he walks up to the man and says, my gosh man, we look a like. the Irishman at the bar said, your right my man, we sure do. the other Irishman said, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, that is amazing, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, well tell me chap, what city in Ireland are you from? Dublin, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, IM also from Dublin the other Irishman said, well what school did you go to in Dublin? St. Francis my friend, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, i also went to St. Francis, my gosh we both came here from Ireland, from the same city, the same school, this is really amazing. about that time this other guy comes in and sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, whets up Sam? the bartender says oh nothing much, with a bored look on his face, he motions with his thumb toward the two Irishmen and says, the O’Malley twins are drunk again.
11-Jul
Trial
Having been propositioned by a well-defined and uptown prostitute one
evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the
young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed
the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and
threatened to sue if she didn’t get it. “That’s a laugh!” the man stated, “I’d
like to see you try.” A few days later the man was surprised to receive a
summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man
hurried to his lawyer’s office and explained the details of the case. His lawyer
said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how she presents her case.” After the usual
preliminaries, the parties appeared in court ready for trial.
All the small things
This is my version of the blink182 song all the smallthings
all the small things like your penis it so small you fuck the
wall say it ain’t so your mom is a hoe rip my dick of fuck me at
home na na na ah late night come home work sucks she left me
condoms on the stairs those things let me know she cares. say
it ain’t so your mom is a hoe
Your sound card is defective
Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?” Customer: “The balance is
backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right
channel is coming out the left. It’s defective.” Tech Support: “You can solve
the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice
versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
Irish RAF
Got beer!!
Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts
complaining you never take me anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining the
husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the
husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.
While he was gone a man walks up to Joe’s wife and tells her he wants to turn
her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe’s wife exclaims, “you
sick pervert get out of my sight.”
Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy’s
ass.
Joe said, “No way you don’t mess with a guy who can drink that much
beer”.
Celebrate
In an ancient monastery in a far away place, a new monk arrived to join
his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery’s scriptorium.
He was assigned to be a rubricator on copies of books that had already
been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the head of the scriptorium), “Does not
the copying by hand of other copies allow for error? How do we know we are
not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against he
original?” Fr. Florian was taken aback by the observation of this youthful
monk. “A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down
to the vault and compare it against the original.” Fr. Florian went down
to the vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for
the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they
approached the vault, they heard crying. When they opened the door, they
found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book,
both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all
that the poor man had been crying his heart out for a long time.
“What is the problem, Reverend Father?” asked one of the monks. “Oh, my
Lord,” sobbed the priest, “the word is ‘celebrate’.”
STMP T VWLS
Henry Ford muere y llega
Henry Ford muere y llega al Cielo. En la puerta, San Pedro lo recibe y le dice:
“Bien, t� fuiste una persona buena y ni que decir que tu invenci�n, la l�nea de montaje para autom�viles, cambi� el mundo. Como recompensa, puedes pasear a voluntad en el Cielo. Puedes ir para cualquier lugar”.
Ford piensa por un momento y solicita:
“Yo quiero estar junto a Dios un rato”.
Entonces, San Pedro le pide a un �ngel que acompa�e a Ford a la sala privada del Todopoderoso. Ford entra en la sala y le pregunta a Dios con reverencia:
“Se�or Todopoderoso, cuando inventaste a la mujer, �en qu� pensabas?”
“�Qu� quieres decir con eso?”
�Bueno, Se�or, hay grandes problemas en el proyecto de tu invenci�n:
1. No existe ning�n modelo econ�mico.
2. Hace mucho ruido cuando se calienta.
3. El mantenimiento es extremadamente caro.
4. Necesita constantemente de pintura.
5. Tiene que parar 5 d�as de cada 28.
6. El sistema se tapa y es necesario anularle algunos tramos.
7. Antes del primer tercio de su vida �til se le caen las defensas delanteras y traseras.
8. Las vestiduras se cuartean a los pocos kil�metros.
9. El consumo de combustible es asombroso.
10. Es muy lento comparado con el otro modelo que hiciste.
Y �stos son s�lo algunos de los problemas�.
“Hmmm…, aguarda un minuto”.
Dios va para la Supercomputadora Celestial, hace clic en un icono de la pantalla y, casi instant�neamente, aparece un listado. Dios lee el informe, se vuelve hacia Ford y le dice:
“Puede ser que mi proyecto tenga problemas como t� dices, pero a�n as�, en este preciso momento, hay m�s hombres trepados en mi invento que en el tuyo”.
Italian on bus
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”