What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes!
Dennis Miller’s Advice to Women
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we’re sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in ‘Boy on a Dolphin’ combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don’t want to feel too threatened. So if that’s the myth of what we want, what’s the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like “How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex”. Trick me? How about asking me? And then I’ll be able to tell you I don’t have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I’m not supposed to do this. I’m not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: Here’s what men want from women.
One through Ten:
ONE- We want you to understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That’s it.
TWO- Don’t talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don’t talk.
THREE- When you’re behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that’s fine, but don’t give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch ‘The Godfather’ with me for the fifty-seventh time?
FIVE- Hey I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, “You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass.”
SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at “The Drink” when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don’t want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
NINE- Don’t ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don’t really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I’ve tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, “Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?”
TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that’s asking too much, how’s about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?
Terrorist Midwife
I used to be an agnostic, but now I’m not…
Pirates in bar
So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. One’s got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one’s just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, “how’d ya get that wooden leg mate?”.
The first reply�s “arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.”
The second pirate is of course impressed, “aye, dat’s really a pirate ting to have happen. How’d ya get dat metal ‘hook?”
The first reply�s “lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!”.
“Aye, dat’s really a pirate ting to have happen” says the second pirate, again impressed.
“How’d ya get dat patch on your eye?”.
“Well I was up in the crow’s nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull” says the pirate’s pirate, “and the damn ting shit right in me eye”. In disbelief the second pirate says
“Well, how’d dat make ya blind?”
The first pirate replied: “Arr…first day wit me ‘ook.”
Favorite Wine
Una se�ora divorciada enviaba todos
Una se�ora divorciada enviaba todos los meses a su hijo a que le pidiera la mensualidad a su ex-marido. El se�or cae en la cuenta de que el muchacho ya hab�a cumplido 18 a�os, y decide que ya no le dar�a nada. El joven lleg�, como de costumbre, y el tipo le suelta:
“Dile a tu madre que ya cumpliste 18 a�os, y que ya no tengo ninguna obligaci�n de mantenerte. Y que c�mo la ve desde ah�”.
El mozuelo va con su madre y le cuenta lo que dijo el hombre, finalizando la informaci�n as�:
“… y por �ltimo me dijo: Y que c�mo la ve desde ah�”.
Regresa y dile a ese viejo que gracias por los 18 a�os que te mantuvo, y que �l no es tu padre y que c�mo la ve desde ah�.
A woman has twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they
name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, but they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Amal.”