A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Patient’s Brain Problem
Mixed marriage
Monica & the Genie!
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!”, she exclaimed.
“No”, said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”
“Lets see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.”
“And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want.”
“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.” “Yeah, that’s it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”
Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!
How is a blonde like a halogen headlamp?…
Tastes Like Chicken
Foreplay?
The worst racist joke
So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.
One day Bubba’s wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba’s house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.
Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself “If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser”. So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher “Please tell me I didn’t hit that hitchhiker”.
The preacher turns to Bubba and says “No son, but I got him with the door.”
Days Ending In Y
Eskimo cow
Married Men’s Magazine
The Magic Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, “Wow that’s amazing.”
You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replys “Ribbit. Lucky
frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” The man asks.
“Ribbit. 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit.
Las Vegas.”
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The
frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog
replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
“Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this
money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”