A Peg-legged Halloween!

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe’en party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
“Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!”

Spread the love

Giving birth in the year 4000

In the year 4000, scientists invented a machine that transferred
the pain of childbearing from the mother to the father.
Hal and Binky are going to have septuplets, and they decide to
try the new machine. As Binky goes into labor, she and Hal go to
the hospital and get hooked up to the machine.
As the pain starts to get unbearable, the doctor turns on the
machine and Binky starts to feel better. But something that
baffles the doctor is that Hal doesn’t feel any pain. So he
turns it up a notch. Binky feels great, the pain is getting to
be less and less, but Hal still doesn’t feel anything. Their
first baby is born and the doctor turns up the machine all the
way.
Binky feels great. She’s giving birth to seven kids and doesn’t
feel a thing. So does Hal. “I don’t know what you women are
complaining about. Labor isn’t bad at all” he says to his wife.
The next day, they take their seven babies home, and dead on the
doorstep, is the milkman.

(get it?? the milkman is the father!!! lol!! you better laugh!!!)

Spread the love

American Condoms

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest
condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their
power to help you,” replied the President.

“I do need your help,” said Yeltsin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tie us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Yeltsin.

“Yes?”

“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4” in
diameter?” said Yeltsin.

“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan. “I need a favor, you’ve got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each
one.

Spread the love

Blind Sports

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

�I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.�

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Spread the love

The Top 16 Other Manufactured Controversies

16> VP Dick Cheney says he saw Kerry take 12 items through the “10 Item or Less” lane at the Georgetown Safeway.

15> According to Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa corks his forearms, too.

14> The Sesame Street cast says that Bert’s all-potassium diet is turning him into a walking banana.

13> Britney claims that Christina once uttered the phrase “not tonight.”

12> Whitney Houston’s drug rehabilitation has been put on hold while her doctors argue about whether her entourage are enablers, co-dependents or caretakers.

11> Ralph Nader claims the electoral system discriminates against the megalomaniacally insane.

10> Democratic party leaders Bill Clinton and Gary Hart accuse President Bush of clandestine monogamy and fidelity.

9> Kerry says that although he threw away his combat decorations, as a senior in high school Bush threw his equestrian medals into the large lake behind the family estate to protest the top billing of the school’s football team over the polo team.

8> Rush Limbaugh alleges that Al Franken merely *skimmed* end-user agreements in software he purchased.

7> John Stamos says that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos bogarted all the face creams and bronzers.

6> Terry McAuliffe claims that George W. Bush’s insistence that there is absolute truth is an outright rejection of the entire post-modern generation.

5> Alex Trebek insinuates that Pat Sajak is disregarding the rules by not requiring contestants to buy the “Y.”

4> “The L.A. *Lakers*? Is Los Angeles known for its lakes? Shouldn’t a sports franchise’s nickname at least have some tangential connection to its host city’s unique local culture? We think so. We are the Utah Jazz, and we approved this message.”

3> Producers of “The Simple Life” claim they have video proof that Paris Hilton was *not* a virgin when they hired her for the show.

2> Elton John starts a nasty rumor that fellow adult-contemporary artist Sting once played in a rock and roll band.

1> Mary-Kate Olsen accuses sister Ashley of being a no-talent bimbo trading on her looks.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Spread the love

House Painting

One summer day, a blonde told her husband before he left for work that she was going to paint the house that day. It was her day off and she wanted to do something useful. He went to work only to return for lunch five hours later.He expected to find some progress done on the house, but instead found his wife lying in their yard with a few jackets on, despite the hot day. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I prepared to paint the house, but when I read the instructions on the paint can, it said to apply three coats and sun dry.”

Spread the love

Operate!

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered”.

“I think librarians are the easiest” said the second surgeon. “When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered”.

The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded”.

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.”

Spread the love

Sexual relations

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.

During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them last year.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Spread the love