A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The egg is frowning and looking annoyed, while the chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a big smile on his face.
The egg says, “Well, I guess we answered that question.”
Want to be a fireman?
The fire chief pulls up to the fire and asks the seargent “how’s it going”? The sarg says “well chief, there’s two guy’s still inside that we can’t find”.The chief grabs a mask and runs inside. He’s looking all through the building. He opens a door in the back and there’s one of the firemen fucking the other fireman, who’s passed out, in the ass. “Hey” the chief yell’s “you are supposed to be giving that guy mouth to mouth”. the fireman looks at him and says “how do you think this got started”?
If we could just get
Santa Sex Doll
After 10 years of marriage, Sue was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Peter worked very long hours and was no longer interested in bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks, Sue visited a sex shop.”Hello,” said Sue. “Look, I’m very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn’t make love to me. You sell ‘Sex Dolls’ for men – I’m here because I’m interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know … one with a Dick – for me.”The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady – about 25 years old – with a 36 DD bust … And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.”Well Miss – or Madam.” He took another breath. “Frankly, we don’t get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room.”Hand on her chin, Sue looked him directly in the eye and smiled. “Don’t just stand there – tell me about them.””Well,” the man replied, “I’m sure you won’t like our first model. It’s called “The Soccer Player”. Don’t get me wrong; It’s very nice. Powerful legs … cute bum – But it does tend to ‘dribble’ a lot.”Sue wasn’t exactly delighted about this. “Well ….No. Not interested in that!” Sue whispered, “What else have you got?””Well, ” came the reply, “We also have the ‘Aussie Cricketer’ Listen, I must me fair with you. This is a great model, big… well huge, in the right places, but … “”Yes !?!” gulped Sue, with eyes like dinner plates.”Once it’s in – It’s almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we’ve only sold two of these in the last four years””Don’t want that,” said Sue. “You said you have three models. What’s left?””I hesitate to even talk about this,” said the shop assistant. “It’s called ‘The Santa Claus’ Model.””What d’Ya mean, “The Santa Claus’ model?” replied Sue”Well,” answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. “This model only comes once a year and …. when it does – it fills up both your stockings!”
Autopsies
The cat’s chalkboard assignments
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that
the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases
of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around
for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the
other cat’s vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
Kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5:30 A.M.,
bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
Sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers,
wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
Floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby’s mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people’s shoes, bathtub, my Dad’s collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble
floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human’s
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear
9. [xxx] Is not cat food?
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea
10. [xxx] Is not a bed?
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people’s wedding, piano strings, Mommy’s sock drawer, the inside of the antique
radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] are not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human’s toes; my human’s penis (see “Robin
Williams, Live at the Met”); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on
the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in
something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy’s snow white lace garter
from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
Your mama is so ugly
Estaba Pepito en el ba�o
Do you know why the
The following are only learned from college
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.73. You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).79. Procrastination becomes an art.80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).