Paddy was standing at the bar with a Rottweiler at his feet.’Does your dog bite, Paddy?’ asked Mick.’No,’ replied Paddy.So Mick went to pat the dog and the dog just about tore Mick’s arm off.’I thought you said your dog didn’t bite,’ screamed Mick.’That’s not my dog,’ replied Paddy.
Thursday
Making Pork
Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his driver: “Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened.”
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
“What appen to you?” he asks.
“Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”
“My God! What did you tell dem?” asked President Hussein.
The driver answered: “Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig.”
Hellman mayonnaise
Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(“desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing…
Hanger
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
After teh 92 year old’s physuical…
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
Dictionary of
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
Logic can never decide what
Gassy Granny
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”The next week the lady goes back.”Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.”The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing….”