These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.11. Walk and talk backwards.
Wild sex dream
A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
“How may I help you?” the doctor asks.
Tha man replies, “Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I�m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.”
“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.
“I push them away,” the man says.
“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.
“Break my arms!” he pleaded.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Pilot Reports
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”
Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.”
Solution: “Auto land not installed on this aircraft.”
Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”
Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”
Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”
Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”
Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”
Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”
Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”
Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”
Virgin
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.
“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”
“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.”
“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow.
The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed!”
Successful Operation
M.J. Vs Carrier bag
Double-Parked Frog
Crossing
Catholic School
Little Tommy’s parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors,
flash cards, “Hooked on Math,” special learning centers, everything. Finally,
they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went
straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and
paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as
dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and
studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought
home his report card and showed it to his parents:
An A in Math! “Tommy! This is great! I’m so proud of you! Son, what was it?
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy shook his head.
“Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms?
What?” Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, Mom, it’s like this.
When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
weren’t screwing around!”
Mickey D’s #2
More shit you hate about working at Mickey D’s:
People who pay for their food, and then decide they want no onions.
People who can’t see condiments right in front of them, and ask you for them.
People who stare at you while you make their sandwich, as if your going to spit in it.
People who want FRESH fries, they’re only fresh for about ten seconds.
People who ask for a water at the second window while your wrapped around the building.
People who get a water, and then get a friggin drink right in front of you. Come on retards, we’re watching you.
People who think they can pay for their order with a fuckin check.
People who can’t accept the fact that we don’t like you.
People who leave they’re god damn trays on their god damn table. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA, SO PICK UP YOUR OWN SHIT!
People who can’t take the liner out of their trays. Come on people, give us some help.
People who wish to speak to the manager, and get mad when we ask which one they would like to talk to.
People who think we have a 99 cent menu, it a god damn dollar menu bithces!
People who ask for something that we haven’t had in months.
People who ask for a sandwich with no meat, it’s kind of a waste of our time.
People who don’t understand the concept of late night menu.
People who ask for breakfast shit in the middle of the day.
People who actually stand outside our doors when beat on the door, hoping to come in a use the bathroom. You’re not getting it!!!
People who order shit from other stores. We don’t have Whoppers or Tacos.
People who prank phone call us in the middle of a business rush.
People who don’t have enough money, and pull off without their shit.
People who can’t wait in line long enough to get their shit, and pull off.
People who actually wait at the entrance, because its so packed, for more than ten minutes, just for some of our food.
More to come
Bad Hearing
A old man told his doctor, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is
as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at
the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her
a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking
the question until she hears you.”
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen
feet behind her he said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and
repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s
for dinner tonight?”
She turned around and yelled in his face, “For the fourth time,
I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!”