A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn’t remember where he put his other ski.
HAHA 6 ballz!!
Yo mama so fat…
My own room
PC terminology update
AH! Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is definedas having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that theylook forward to the trip. * He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. * He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. * He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection. * He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. * He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. * He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression. * You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. * He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. * His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated. * He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. * You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined. * He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. * He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal. * He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion. * He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact. * He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. * He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction. * He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible. * He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed. * He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia. * He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. * He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated. * He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. * You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment. * He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
How To Be A Man!
1. Don’t call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like “Spike.”
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
11. Say things like “Wha. . . ?”
12. Deny everything. Everything.
13. Don’t have a clue.
14. If you don’t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”
16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.
17. Lie.
18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: “Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?”
Answer: “Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.”
19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.
20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.
21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.
22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.
23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
26. Lie.
27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.
29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted “Door Spot” and other will worship you.
31. If you’re on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.
32. When you tell a girl about your past, it’s good to say, “God, I was such a pimp back then.”
33. Here’s a good trick. Tell a girl that you’re going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.
35. Practice your blank stare.
36. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won’t be asked to do it again.
37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don’t want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don’t know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say “See???? I told you I couldn’t do it.” Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
38. Do not listen to “pussy music” like Color Me Badd or the oldies.
39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
40. Lie.
How To Bathe A Cat
I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV. . Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect toomuch.)IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better
Humpme Dumpme
Kids truths :)
~ ~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your
hair.
* If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter
how cute the underwear is.
The real Joe Schmoe!
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?” Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”
Mr Wong
The vicar and the golfer
one day the vicar and the golfer went golfing
the golfer was extremely bad at golf.
it was the golfers turn he kept missing the golfball
he actually hit the golfball at long last!! but it only got 1
metre away from
him!.
the golfer shouted “damn missed” .
1 hour later.
it was the golfers turn again he hit the ball! this time it only
got 2 metres away from him he shouted again “damn missed” the
vicar got
terribly upset with the golfer and said to him ” if you keep
swearing
like that god will strike you with bolt of lightning
it was then the golfers turn again he missed and shouted ” DAMN
MISSED” . A bolt of lightning shot right down at the vicar a
deep voice said “DAMN MISSED”.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!