Purpee Jokes

Heaven is…

when the French are the cooks,
the Italians are the lovers,
the British are the police,
the Germans are the mechanics
and the Swiss run the hotels.

Hell is…

when the British are the cooks,
the Swiss are the lovers,
the Italians are the mechanics,
the French run the hotels
and the Germans are the police.

There are two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, “I’ll drive you man the guns”!

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

One day a little boy went to kindergarden for his first time.
The teacure told the whole class to make up spelling words for
homework. So the boy went home and asked his his older brother
what his first spelling word should be. His brother said
SHUTUP!!! So then he goes and askes his little brother, who
likes batman, what his second spelling word should be. His
brother said “DUH DUH DUH DUH BATMAN” so the boy writes this
down. Then he goes to his 16 year old sister and says what
should my third word be. she was talking on the phone and said”
LETS GO BABY” So the boy writes this down. Then he goes to his
crazy and messed up dad and says what should my fourth word be?
The dad who is crazy says “GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS” So the boy
writes that down. Then the boy goes to his mom and says I need
a spelling word. So the mom ,who was cooking, was about to say
cat when cried out “MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!” So the boy wrote
that down. Then he went to his sisters room and she was
cleaning her room. So she didnt hear him ask what a good
spelling word would be. All she said was ” NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!”
So naturaly the boy wrote that down.

The next day at school the teachure asked the class who would
like to go first and the boy raised his hand. So the teachure
acked him what his first word was and he said SHUT UP then she
said hey who do you think you are? And he said DUH DUH DUH DUH
BATMAN!! and she got mad and said do you want to go to the
princables office and he said LETS GO BABY . At the princeables
office the princable said you are suspended and the boy replied
GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS!! then the princeable got mad and spanked
the boy. the boy cried out MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!! Then the
princable said hey boy what do you think this school is made of?
And the boy replied “NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!!!!!!”

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!