Purpee Jokes

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

“I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:” I’m usually on Prozac.
When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

“I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:” I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve
used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:” I hope you don’t ask
me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED:” I’ll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

“I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:” I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.

“I’M PERSONABLE:” I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.

“I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:” As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:” I carry a Day-Timer.

“MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:” You’re probably
looking for someone more experienced.

“I AM ADAPTABLE:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO:” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:” The minute I find a better job.
I’m outta there.

“I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:” I’m a college drop-out.

“I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:” I’ve been accused of
sexual harassment.

“THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:” Wait! Don’t throw me away!

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:” Like, I’m gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.”

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Andy: “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.”Psychiatrist: “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.”

A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he’s very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle.After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, “Don’t worry, it’s just a small prick.”The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, “Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?”