Muere James Bond y llega

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

“�Cu�l es tu nombre, hijo?”

“Soy Bond, James Bond”.

“S�, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aqu� lo tienes que demostrar”.

“�Qu� desea que haga?”

“Mira, d�jame aqu� en la puerta una identificaci�n y p�sale a buscar a Ad�n; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond”.

Pasan unos minutos y �ste llega con Ad�n de la mano.

“Bueno, aqu� tiene a Ad�n”.

“�C�mo lo encontraste entre tantos?”, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

“Muy f�cil, s�lo busqu� al �nico hombre que no tiene ombligo”, le responde con su t�pica flema inglesa.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Ad�n al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Ad�n:

“Aqu� est� de nuevo”.

“�Puta, hijo! �C�mo le hiciste?”

“Fue muy sencillo, busqu� a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Ad�n”.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo… es m�s, no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Ad�n, y los mete en un cuarto en el que �nicamente se pod�an ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Ad�n a un lado.

“Aqu� est� Ad�n de nuevo, �ahora s� puedo pasar?”

“�Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada m�s dime: �c�mo le hiciste para encontrarlo?”

“Muy f�cil, entr� al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: �Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El �nico que no brinc� a golpearme fue �l”.

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Tower of Love

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

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35th Anniversary

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof, the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”

So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof, the husband was 90.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

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You Know You’re in San Francisco When…

You know you’re in San Francisco when…..

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are
visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don’t think of steak. You
think of danger.

You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation in English.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you
know the drivers have never seen it.

You can’t remember….is pot illegal?

You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown
and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting
from Ohio.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your
child’s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and
is named “Breeze.” And, after telling that to a friend, they
still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide
between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a
building your web site class.

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you
moved to SF and you couldn’t figure out how to drive to Coit
Tower if your life depended on it.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don’t notice.

A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don’t notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting
from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a
tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Your hairdresser is gay, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy
in drag.

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Redneck quickies 9

You might be a redneck if…

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

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The first time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

“I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

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Hallmark Card Rejects

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your Sister.Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder-what the f#$k was I thinking?As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody’ stupid enough to admit it.The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in. Until I met you.We have been friends for a very long time. Let’s say we call it quits.I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.If you ever need a friend … buy a dog. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Signs You Have a Han

1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!” 8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

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