Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How
about it babe? You and me?
As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.
She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by
the inch?
The Moose
The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.
14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his “personal phaser” and sets it to vibrate.
13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: “Surprise, surprise, surprise!” Gomer has trouble keeping a “don’t ask, don’t tell” secret.
12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.
11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.
10> Cheers: It’s pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. “High”-jinks ensue.
9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.
8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender’s reign of terror begins.
7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new “air bags” installed.
6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.
5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.
4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.
3> Three’s Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.
2> Lassie: Timmy’s “Fire Hydrant” Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.
1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia’s plan to make extra money as a “lady of the evening” goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Question and answer blonde joke
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
Piano joke
There’s Always a Solution
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
tombstone
Drunk Date
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he’s doing to which he replies, “I’m getting my date drunk.”
Marriage Quotes
“They say that people with opposite characteristics make the best marriage.” “That’s why I’m looking for a girl with money.”
***
Insurance man: “Now that you’re married, I suppose you’ll want more insurance.”
Bridegroom: “Na, I don’t think she’s dangerous.”
***
Two friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met at a party. After exchanging small talk, they began discussing their lives. “You know, I never really knew the meaning of happiness until I got married,” one man said.
“I know exactly how you feel,” the other said, nodding. “But by that time it was too late.”
***
Some husbands are real comforters, while others are wet blankets.
***
Wives have terrible memories. They never forget anything.
Bush Country
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!” “Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”
Se hunde una embarcaci�n, y
Se hunde una embarcaci�n, y un hombre agarrado a un tronco se salva. Flotando, a lo lejos, mira una negra cabellera en el mar y la atrae hacia �l. El naufrago descubre que es una mujer viva, la toma del cuello y juntos llegan a una isla desierta.
Al llegar a la isla descubre que se trata de Salma Hayek. Por salvarla y estar en una isla desierta ella se entrega con pasi�n total. Pasa un a�o sin que los rescaten y ella empieza a notar que �l cada d�a est� m�s triste, por lo que le cuestiona la raz�n de su tristeza. El tipo no contestaba, hasta que un d�a, de tanto insistir la mujer, el hombre la lleva al ba�l de ropa que rescataron del naufragio y le dice:
“Te voy a pedir que te vistas con este pantal�n, esta camisa y sombrero de hombre; adem�s, que te pongas este bigote postizo”.
A Salma esto le pareci� un tanto extra�o, pero como se trataba de la felicidad del hombre que le salv� la vida, acept�. Para darle un toque final, el hombre le pinta una espesa barba a la Hayek. Despu�s la invita a caminar por la playa; Salma, m�s extra�ada a�n, no sabe ni que hacer. En eso, el hombre rompe el silencio y dice:
“�Oye, compadre, ni te imaginas a quien me estoy cogiendo!”