Purpee Jokes

There were three golfers.

One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.

The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.

As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.

The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.

However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.

Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.

Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.

Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again,I’m going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!”

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”

The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says, “What’s up?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says, “He did??”

The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says, “My God, what happened next!?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.”Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”

The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is.
You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…”

Estaba Pepito en el ba�o masturb�ndose, cuando su hermana lo encuentra y le dice:

“�Aj�, Pepito, ahora mismo le cuento a pap�!”

“No, espera, lo que pasa es que me estoy lavando a toda velocidad”.