An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An
usher asked to see her invitation.
“I don’t have one,” she said.
“Well then, are you a friend of the groom?”
“I should say not,” snapped the woman, “I’m the bride’s mother.”
Back as Anyone on Earth for a Day
These three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted at the
pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them, “Ladies, because you
have given such valuable service to God while on earth, he is
granting you each one wish. You can go back to earth for one day
as anyone you choose to be.”
The first nun says, “I would like to be Jennifer Lopez.” All of
a sudden, “poof,” she was back on earth running around with her
big, juicy booty.
The second nun says, “I would like to be Pamela Sue Anderson.”
Once again, there was a “poof,” and she was jiggling around all
over the earth.
The third nun thinks for a minute and says, “I would like to be
Alice Kapipaline.” St. Peter says, “Sister, I don’t recall an
Alice Kapipaline ever being born. You wait right here while I go
and check our records.”
After several hours, St. Peter finally comes back and
says,”Sister, I can not find any Alice Kapipaline in our
records, are you sure she existed?”
The nun pulls a news clipping out of her pocket and hands it to
St. Peter. After he carefully studies it, he looks at the nun
and says, “Sister, it was the ‘Alaskan Pipeline’ that was laid
by 10,000 workers!”
Miami
There is a tharapy calss for men who stutter. The teacher is a
very beautiful young woman. So the calss is for 1 year only, and
by the time that year is up, the three men who are in the class
will no longer stutter. Well, about 11 months went by and the
men were not stuttering as much. So in the 12th month, the woman
says,”well, this whole thing is almost over and you still
stutter. I know how i can get you to stop. I will ask you where
you’re from, and if you can tell me the city without stuttering,
i will have mad sex with you.”
The next class the woman asks the first man,”what city were you
born in?” The man says,” Nnnnnnew Yyyyyorrk.”
She asks the second man,”what city do you live in now?”
The man replies,”Pppppittsbbbburg.”
She asks the third man, “Where do you live now?”
The third man says,”Miami…”
They then make mad love for hours.
After they’re done, the man says,”Bbbbeach.”
Blonde and the fire
A particular feeling..
Wonder Bra
Question and answer Clinton joke
Knock KnockWho’s there?Beezer!Beezer who?Beezer black
In and out of puddles
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders
a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself
to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar,
so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
� Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
� Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles
all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
� So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all
day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
Deposit
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him.
He said, “Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?”
“Not at all,” was her reply.
“I bet.”
“You bet?” he countered.
“At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos…?”
“Nothing like that,” she said.
“I just … bet. For example, I’ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed.
They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept.
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, “What’s the matter with him?”
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
“Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I’d have the president of the bank by the balls.”
Estaban los presidentes de varios
Estaban los presidentes de varios pa�ses conversando con Dios. El presidente de Peru le pregunta:
“�Cu�ndo vamos a tener un pa�s muy elegante, tur�stico y rico.”
Y Dios le dice:
“150 a�os.”
El peruano se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existir�a en ese momento.
Mas Tarde… el presidente estadounidense le pregunta:
“�Cu�ndo tendremos un pa�s sin atentados, con mucho petr�leo y m�s tur�stico.”
Y Dios le dice:
“200 a�os.”
El estadounidense se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existir�a en ese momento.
Por �ltimo el presidente argentino le pregunta:
“�Cu�ndo tendremos un pa�s sin asaltos, robos, secuestros y muertes?”
Y esta vez Dios se pone a llorar. El presidente argentino le pregunta:
“�Por qu� est�s llorando?”
Y Dios le responde:
“Porque ni yo voy a existir en ese momento…”
Una noche, un peque�o avi�n
Una noche, un peque�o avi�n estaba volando sobre Nueva Jersey con cinco pasajeros a bordo: el piloto, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, el Dalai Lama y un hippie. De repente, algo explot� con fuerza en el compartimento de equipaje, y el avi�n empez� a llenarse de humo; la puerta de la cabina se abre y sale el piloto:
“Caballeros, tengo buenas y malas noticias. Las malas noticias son que nos vamos a estrellar en Nueva Jersey. Las buenas son que hay cuatro paraca�das… �y yo tengo uno de ellos!” El piloto abri� la puerta y salt�.
Michael Jordan se puso de pie en un instante:
“Se�ores, yo soy el mejor atleta del mundo. El mundo necesita tener grandes atletas. Creo que el m�s grande atleta del mundo merece tener un paraca�das”. Dicho esto, tom� uno de los paraca�das restantes y salt�.
Bill Gates se puso de pie y dijo:
“Caballeros, yo soy el hombre m�s inteligente del mundo. El mundo necesita hombres inteligentes. Creo que el hombre m{as inteligente del mundo debe tener tambi�n un paraca�das”. Tom� uno y salt�.
El Dalai Lama y el hippie se miraron el uno al otro. Finalmente el Dalai Lama habl�:
“Hermano, he tenido una vida satisfactoria y he conocido la felicidad que da la iluminaci�n divina. T� tienes toda la vida por delante. Coge el paraca�das, yo caer� con el avi�n”.
El hippie sonri� lentamente y dijo:
“No te preocupes, calvito. �El hombre m�s inteligente del mundo acaba de saltar con mi mochila”.