And Jesus said to the Mexicans
“Don’t do anything until I get back.”
Blood Tells
The teacher said, “I’ll give $20 to the child who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The
teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right
either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus
Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Daniel,
come up here and I’ll give you the $20.”
As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, “You know
Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ.” Daniel replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business.”
Commandment for Brothers and Sisters
One Sunday in church, the teacher asked her Sunday School class,
“Ok kids, what is the commandment for your mommies and daddies?”
One girl raised her hand and said, “Thou shall honor your mother
and father.”
“Good!” The teacher said, “What is the commandment for your
brothers and sisters?” Then one boy shot up and stated, “Thou
shall not kill.”
The Urinalysis
One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.
“The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
“No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”
Getting a date as a lawyer
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”He said, “Why yes I am!” so they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
I can cure pneumonia
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As
soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”
Top Ten Signs you Bought the Wrong Computer
The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker that’s not even fit for a boat anchor. Try these dead giveaways on for size:
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.
7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
3. It’s labeled “energy saving” only because there’s no power supply.
2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
1. The sticker reads “nothing of value inside.”
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.
God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, “I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see how Jesus fared.” Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is stunned and stutters, “But how?! How did he do that?!”
God chuckles, “Jesus Saves!”
Im a
Going To Disneyland
Stiff neck
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing?’ he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?’
The old man slyly looked at him and said, ‘Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma’s idea.’
Senior citizen
I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care…
I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors… Absolutely nothing!
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
I’m wondering… If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the storeroom.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis