A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might aswell go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline thenext day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmerfor ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where itcould run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The Bishop was buried the next day.
Whos driving?
Un tipo llega a su
Un tipo llega a su casa y, al entrar a su rec�mara, sorprende, infraganti, a su rechupeteable esposa en brazos de un desconocido.
“P-pero, �por qu�, Mariana? �Dime por qu�!”
“�Cari�o, perdona, t� sabes… la debilidad de la carne!”
“Y esto que yo tengo entre las piernas �qu� es? �� Verdura?!”
Lotto
Your Momma Is So Fat
Masturbator Macarena
Bees Pees
Season tickets
A woman is watching the news.
During a commercial she turns to her husband, who is busy with a crossword puzzle.
�Did you hear that?� she asks.
�A man in Los Angeles swapped his wife for Lakers� season tickets. Would you do a thing like that?�
�Well no,� her husband replies. �The season�s half over.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Plane Crash
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down.
A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, “Yeah.” When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.” The Rescue crew were shocked.
One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?” The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi”
Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?” The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you.. you know…eat their…’things’??”
The chief says, “No.”
“No?” asked the rescuer.
“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”
Retired Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
You remember to mail a
Betcha $500
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”
“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.
“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, “I WIN…told you it’ll be there before your dog!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis