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The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time.
Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, “All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse’s back and fell off the other side.
Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, “All right, just half of you this time!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?
11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
8. No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
7. Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece.
6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
4. On the way to the station let’s get a six pack.
3. You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
1. No, YOU assume the position.
One day some guys were doing a survey between “boxers” or “briefs”.
They went to a 25 year old man and said “boxers” or “briefs”? He
said briefs.
They went to a 40 year old man and said “boxers” or “briefs”? He
said boxers.
Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said “boxers” or
“briefs”? And the old man replied – “depends?”
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.”Twenty bucks a trick!”These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivet� by asking the Mother Superior, “What is a trick?” She answers, “Twenty bucks — just like on the street.”
Tres changitos se encontraban muy aburridos arriba de una palma de coco y entonces uno de ellos dice: “�Ya se, vamos a tirarles cocos a los animales que pasen por abajo!”
Pasa el elefante por debajo y le empiezan a tirar de cocotazos y los changitos con su desmadre all� arriba: “�Jaaa,jajaja! �Elefante pendejo, ni porque est�s bien grande, no nos puedes hacer algo!�jajaaa!�jajajajaa!”
El elefante enojado se va maldiciendo a los changos. Al rato pasa el le�n y lo mismo, a aventarle de cocotazos. “�Jajaja! �jajajaaaa! �puto le�n, no que eres el rey de la selva, a ver s�bete �jajajaaaa!”
El le�n se larga tambi�n refunfu�ando.
Ya se hab�an calmado los changos, cuando ven que ven�a el rinoceronte, y entonces se preparan con los cocos y le empiezan a tirar, y muertos de la risa, “�Jaa!�jajaaajaajaa!�pendejo rinoceronte piel de hojalata, a ver si eres muy resistente! �jajaaajaja!”
El rinoceronte enfurecido se va, pero de repente a unos cuantos metros se da la vuelta y con los ojos rojos y vidriosos, sali�ndole humo de la nariz como toro en brama, se encarrera hacia la palmera y madres, piche palmera parecia de el�stico �chin!�pum!�cuaz!�cataplum! de un lado para otro y los changos aferrados como garrapatas a la vaca �aaaahhh! pero no se cayeron.
Entonces que se vuelve a enfilar el rinoceronte y madres de nuevo a la palmera que rebota de lado a lado �chin! pum! �cuaz! �cataplum! y los changos muertos de miedo pero bien agarrados todav�a; pero el rinoceronte no se da por vencido y va de nuez contra la palmera �chin!�pum!�cuaz!�cataplum! y que sale volando por los aires uno de los changuitos y �puuuffff! da el costalazo. Cuando se levanta, todo traqueteado y sacudi�ndose, se da la vuelta y enfrente ten�a al rinoceronte con cara de los mil demonios y que dice el chango:
“�Je! me baj� porque all� arriba ten�an un pinche desmadre.”
John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he
hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn’t feeling good, so Bill went
off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep
sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he
gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
“What’s wrong?” asked Bill.
“I drank so much last night I shit my guts out,” said John, “But by the
grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!”
Yo mama’s so poor she wears her McDonald’s uniform to church
Yo mama’s so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled “Hey where’d grandma go?!?!?!”
Yo mama’s so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said “Two trees to your left”
Yo mama’s so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it’s been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness’s, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but
a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by
profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called
monotony.