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After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers.
En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.
�Say,� Poe asks, �what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?�
�Christ,� Graham replies. �Five or six bucks, tops.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, “Gimme a beer before it starts”.
She gives him a beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, “Gimme a beer before it starts”.
Again, she gives him a beer.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating? It hasn’t been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. I’m getting fed up with this.
The husband looks up and mumbles, “Now it starts . . .
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the
address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I
have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go
knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a
toilet!”
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He
rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, ��this is a big house,, big
party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” So he walks around the
house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back
door, he was surprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no
one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use his or
her bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the
bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched,
till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN
TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a
stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his
business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of
the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They
pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the
party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the
house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove
to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree
to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell.
And a woman answers the door. ”Excuse me mama, but could you please let me show
my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!” ”So YOU’RE the
guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!
…HERS THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’
It was a bright and cold winter morning, Mom and sister were at the mall so Dad decided it was a good time for a father and son chat about “the birds and the bees” with his 10 year old boy.”I don’t want to know!” the child cried, bursting into tears and runing away to his room.The confused father followed, and as his son lay face down on his bed sobbing, dad asked what was wrong.”Oh, Dad,” the boy cried, “At age six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.”At age seven, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.”Then, at age 8, you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech!”If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got NOTHING left to live for!”
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is
Shooting Star.” “How nice,” says his mother? “And I have an Indian name too,” he
says. “It’s ‘Running Deer’ and I want you to call me that from now on.” “How
nice,” says his mother? “You should have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says. “I
already do,” says the mother. “You can call me Sitting Shiva.”
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it’s rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question.”
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St.Peter
must decide which of them gets in.
St.Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she
should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at
these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created and I’m
sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for
eternity.”
St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana
drops her skirt and panties,takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.”
Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was all that about? I show
you two of God’s best creations, she performs a disgusting,
pornographic act and she gets in and I don’t?!”
“Sorry, Dolly but a royal flush beats a great pair any day.”
One day a police officer wanders along the beach. He notices a kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.
Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you, you should not do this again the next time I come.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.
Another day the same officer goes by the beach. He notices the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.
Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you the last time, otherwise you will be punished fiercely.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.
The following day, the officer comes to beach and sees the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and nothing more…
Officer: What is this, kid?
Kid : It is a fireman.
Officer: Why don’t you shit on it?
Kid : Then it becomes a policeman!
A minister is sitting in the confession booth when an altar boy
comes up to him and says, “There’s an emergency and we need you
right away.” The minister goes up to the janitor who is standing
outside and asks him if he would listen to the confessions for
him. The janitor replies, “I’m not religious, I don’t know how
to do any of that stuff.” The minister says, “It’s ok, just
listen to what they say and look it up in this book and tell
them what it says.” The janitor agrees and sits down.
The first man comes in. “Father, I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have beat my child.” The janitor looks it up in the
book, and says, “Three hail Marys.” “Thank you father.”
The next man comes in. “Father I have sinned.” “What have you
done?” “I have performed Oral Sex.” He looks it up. He can’t
find it under oral, so he looks up sex. It’s not there. He gets
nervous and says, “One minute.” He walks out of the booth and
goes over to an altar boy lighting some candles. He asks the
boy, “What does the Father usually give for oral sex?” The boy
looks up at him and says, “Two candy bars and a pat on the head.”
She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and
had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time
had 4 more children.
At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his
commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Is he referring to her
first, second or third husband?”
The neighbor replied, “I think he’s referring to her legs.”