One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?” “Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” “Yeah, and they’re in favour 17 to 2.”
3 Hymns
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her
to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over
the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
church and said, “I’ll take him, him and him.”
A Day At The Races
A man is sitting at his kitchen table reading a newspaper.
His wife walks in with a frying pan and hits him with it.
The man asked “what was that for?”
The Woman replies “I was washing your pants last night and I found a piece of paper that says Mar Lou.
The man replies: When I was at the Horse races last week that was the name of my horse.
The woman understood and appologized.
(Three Days Later)
The woman walks in and hits him with an even bigger frying pan that knocks him out cold.
When he comes to he askes “what was that for?”
His wife replies: Your Horse Called.
Dirty Deaf Joke
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom
when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other
using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution.
‘Honey,’ she signs, ‘Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach
over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.’
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his
wife, ‘Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach
over and pull on my penis one time.’
‘If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
penis……….fifty times’
Head
Yo momma…..
Better Than Pork
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”
The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
Mike’s new book
Q: How many graduate
Keeping In Under The Kilt
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age”
and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before,
his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material
he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d
like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d
like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might
drafty up dem tings!” So the tailor took the material and promised to call the
young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the
lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and
here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and
keep it in case you want anything else made of it.” So the lad rushed home with
his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his
excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new
purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When
his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “well, what’d
ye think?” “Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed. “Aye, and if ye
like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt
to show here. ;Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still
not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly,
“aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”
My Radio
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to
know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston