The Perfect man

a woman found a magic lamp and she rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said “i will grant you one wish.” The woman had a map with her and said “i want the war to end in this part of the Middle East, and for it to end in peace.” The genie looked at the woman and said that, that wish was nearly impossible. The genie said to think of another wish. “Well then, can you give me the perfect man??” The genie just looked at her and said “Which part of the Middle East?”

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Manolo ingresa a las tropas

Manolo ingresa a las tropas especiales del ej�rcito. Todas las pruebas de actitud f�sica las pasa con relativa facilidad pues es un hombre muy fuerte; pero en las tropas especiales tambi�n hacen pruebas de intelecto, cuando llega su turno le pregunta el sargento:

“A ver, Manolo, si quedas separado de la unidad y tienes que valerte por ti solo, �qu� es lo primero que har�as?”

“Pues lo primero que har�a, mi sargento, es buscar agua, pues sin comer puedo aguantar un tiempo, pero de sed se puede morir uno muy r�pido. As� que buscar�a un r�o o una laguna para proveerme de agua”.

“�Y la tomas as� o la purificas?”

“Bueno, pues la hiervo primero”.

“Muy bien, Manolo. A ver, �a cu�ntos grados hierve el agua?”

“Pues a 90 grados, sargento”.

“Pues no, Manolo, revisa el manual y ver�s que el agua hierve a 100 grados”.

Apenado, Manolo revisa el manual y dice para si:

“�Qu� bruto soy, el sargento tiene raz�n, lo que hierve a 90 grados es el �ngulo recto!”

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Little girl

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

‘What is that?’ asked the child pointing to the penis.

‘Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,’ replied the mother.

‘I want one,’ said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

‘I want one just like that,’ she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, ‘if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.’

‘And if I’m bad?’ asked the little one.

‘Then,’ sighed the mother, ‘you will have many.’

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Return the Dog

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn’t work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn’t follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we’ll give him one more try. We’ll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn’t fly, we’re taking him back to the store!�

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My Exercise Diary

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.

Day 1.

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4.

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5.

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6.

Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7.

Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

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