“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
Ur mamma so hairy,…
Italian, Black, and a Jew
Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.
They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.
Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says, “I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.”
The black guy says, “Man, that’s nothin’. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.”
The Jewish guy chimes in, ” I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She’s still screaming!”
Protestant to Catholic conversion.
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!
Bum in need of food
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with me too!”, he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” The second man answered. “Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”
Excuses for playing
DOOM EXCUSES What to tell your boss when: A) You are suspected of playing DOOM:1) “Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!”2) “Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database Online Operational Management. Yeah, your right, ‘WAD’ is a pretty strange extension, isn’t it?”3) “Yeah, I’ve heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC ducts, maybe?” B) You are overheard playing DOOM:1) “Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight through lunch today.”2) “Chainsaw? No, I don’t have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask her.”3) “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the phone, we’re not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It’s a long story, she hates it when I call her that.” C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM:1) “You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up or something and I can’t get it to go off.”2) “It’s the latest in CAD!”3) “It’s an assertiveness training program.”4) “It’s supposed to be ‘Barney’s Jungle Adventure’ – I just picked it up for the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me.”5) “I don’t know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got some bad interference on the Net or something.”6) “I hate to say this, but I’m pretty sure it’s the ‘KillingGlee’ VGA virus. Don’t know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it out.”
Picking up chicks
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret?’
He stops and thinks, then he adds, ‘He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’
‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’
Sex Education
Una pareja que tan s�lo
Una pareja que tan s�lo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente di�logo, porque el marido, aunque se sent�a feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, as� que le dice a su mujer:
“Mi vida, ahorita vengo”.
“�Ad�nde vas, cari�o?” (Expresi�n de reci�n casados).
“Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita”.
La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:
“�Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito?” Y en eso abre la puerta del frigor�fico y le ense�a 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 pa�ses diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.
El marido no sabe qu� hacer y se le ocurre decirle:
“�Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, t� sabes, la jarra helada…!”
No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe dici�ndole:
“�Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?”
Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de fr�o.
El marido apenado dice:
“S� churri m�a, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riqu�simas, vuelvo enseguida, �S�?”
“�Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?”
Abre el horno y el frigor�fico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, pat�, caviar, carnes fr�as, etc.
“Pero caramelito, en el bar, t� sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…”
“�Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, �te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aqu� no sales, hijo de puta!”