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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”
The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the
swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Un amigo le dice a otro:
“Oye, vaya moret�n que tienes en la mejilla. Adem�s lo tienes muy hinchado, no?”
“Bueno, s�, es por el viagra. Como ahora hace un mes que lo estoy tomando…”
“�C�mo que por el viagra? Pero el viagra act�a sobre el pene, que yo sepa.”
“Ya, pero ahora cuando llego a casa, mi mujer me da un pellizco en la mejilla y me dice: �Pero que contenta me tienes!”
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck…it’s probably a duck,” and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
“They are beastly shaking down our aircrafts when we are peacefully bombing
their cities.”
The USA blamed the Russian companies that they were supplying Bagdad with the
elastic band for pants.
Iraq engineers made the catapults of them and now Iraq soldiers are striking a
blow to American air forces.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in
the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He
told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one
would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got
it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista
for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her
husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken
leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So. How did you break your leg?” she
asked, making small talk.
“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski
lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing
backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look
and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift … “
” … So, how did you break your arm?”
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, “Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.”
Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. “See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Un matrimonio est� desayunando en la cocina, cuando el marido le agarra el trasero a la esposa y le dice:
“Si lo tuvieras m�s firme no necesitar�as esos calzones levanta poto”.
Ella, bordeando la ira, se queda callada.
Al d�a siguiente estaban en la misma situaci�n, cuando esta vez �l le agarra una pechuga y le dice:
“Si las tuvieras m�s firmes no necesitar�as usar sost�n”.
Entonces, ella calmadamente le agarra el pene y le dice:
“Si lo tuvieras m�s firme no necesitar�a al jardinero, al cartero, el lechero y a tu hermano…”