Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
but stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.
Author: admin
Secrets for Making a
My wife and I have all the secrets for making a marriage last:1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday’s, I go Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”10. Remember… Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.12. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” … I said, ‘Dust!”
Man with few words
Man on street asks women if she wanted to have sex. She replys back my house or yours? He replied back, if you want to argue about it forget it.
The Panda
A huge panda bear steps into this classy restaurant. The maitre
is both astonished and amused; nonetheless, he is a man who
takes pride on doing his job right and sends a waiter its way.
The panda asks for some of the best dishes of the house: filet
mignon, lobster, duck a l’orange, soup a l’onion gratinee, the
whole nine yards. Then, as it finishes, it steps up and turns to
leave without paying for the gargantuan fest.
“Sir, exactly where do you think you are going?” Asks the upset
maitre. The panda turns around, not completely sure he
understands. “The meals you were served are still to be paid
for.” “Paid for?” Sneers the panda. “I belong to an endangered
species; you should take this a service to nature and
biodiversity.” “This is a restaurant. RESTAURANT! We feed you
and you pay for it. That is the way it works. Look it up in a
dictionary if you want to!”
To his surprise, the panda brings up a dictionary from between
his skin folds and reads, “Restaurant: a business establishment
where meals or refreshments may be bought. Hmmm. But even if
you’re right,” the panda says as it brings up a .357 Smith &
Wesson and shoots the maitre on his leg an runs away, “I’m a
panda. Look it up in the dictionary if you want to!”
Later on, at the hospital, the injured maitre remembers what the
panda said and asks for a dictionary to look for the word
“panda.” It read: “Panda: a large black-and-white mammal of
chiefly central China now usually classified with the bears.
Eats shoots and leaves.”
Hung Like An Elephan
This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, “Dad, what’s that thing hanging down?” “That’s the elephant’s trunk,” replies his father.”No, I mean at the other end.” “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “That’s funny,” mused the little boy, “Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing.””Well,” said the smiling father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman.”
Speach problem boy
There was a boy with speach problems and his mother asked him if he could by her a few things at the shops. First he went to the hardware store and he asked for a fucket and the shop keeper says a what? and the boy said a fucket there about that big and you can fill it with water and the shop keeper said oh a bucket so he gave the a bucket the boy went to the bakery and asked for a bum and the bakery guy said a what? a bum there about this small and you can put salad in them and the bakery guy said oh a bun so he gave the a bun then the boy went to the pet store and asked for a cockandspankit. then the shop keeper said a what? then the boy said a cockandspankit there about this big and they bark then the shop keeper said oh a cockinspaniel so he gave him the dog the boy went up to a police officer and said can you hold my bum and fucket while i go chase my cockandspankit
Redneck quickies 10
You might be a redneck if…
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the h–l are you looking at, Sh-thead?”
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Headaches & Age
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”
“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.
“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”
Un granjero decide renovar la
Un granjero decide renovar la sangre de su gallinero y compra un gallo m�s joven. Cuando el gallo viejo ve que el joven se pasea por el gallinero, comienza a preocuparse.
Entonces se acerca al gallo joven y le dice: “De manera que t� eres nuevo por aqu�. �Crees que eres el m�s fuerte de la zona? Yo todav�a no estoy listo para el cuchillo y para demostrarte que todav�a soy m�s gallo que t�, te reto a una carrera alrededor del gallinero. Daremos 10 vueltas, y el que gane tendr� a todas las gallinas s�lo para �l.
El gallo joven acepta fanfarroneando: “Est� bien, y para que veas que soy mucho m�s fuerte que t�, te doy media vuelta de ventaja y a�n as� te ganar� f�cilmente”.
La carrera se inicia y las gallinas se colocan alrededor del gallinero para alentar a los gallos. Luego de la primera vuelta, el gallo viejo comienza a perder su ventaja. Al finalizar la quinta vuelta, el gallo viejo apenas est� enfrente del joven.
En ese momento el granjero oye el alboroto y sale de la casa con su escopeta creyendo que un zorro se ha metido al gallinero. Al acercarse, ve a los dos gallos corriendo alrededor del gallinero y ve al gallo joven persiguiendo al viejo.
Entonces, carga su escopeta, apunta… y de un disparo mata al gallo joven. Mientras se devuelve lentamente camino a la casa se dice a s� mismo:
“Qu� vaina m�s rara, �es el tercer gallo maric�n que compro este mes!”
The Signalman
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: ‘What would you do if
you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same
track?’
Tom says: ‘I would switch one train to another track.’
‘What if the lever broke?’ asks the inspector.
‘Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there’, answers
Tom.
‘What if that had been struck by lightning?’ challenges the inspector.
‘Then,’ Tom continued, ‘I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the
next signal box.’
‘What if the phone was busy?’
‘In that case,’ Tom argued, ‘I’d run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station’.
‘What if that had been vandalized?’
‘Oh well,’ said Tom, ‘In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle
Leo’.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because he’s never seen a train crash.’
Old Lady With Gas
This old lady went to a doctor’s office and told him that she has bad gas, but
you can’t smell it or hear it. So the doctor gives her two pills and tells her
take them and come back tomorrow. She came back and said that you can’t hear the
gas but now you can smell it. Then the doctor says, “Good now we can work on
your hearing.”
Will this operation hurt me at all?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.