What’s the difference between a blonde and a pay phone?
You need a quarter to use the phone.
Author: admin
PIG!
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is drivingdown the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of thewindow and yells “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts back “BITCH”They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would learn to listen!!
I am 911
Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to
stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the
day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me
the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the
manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had
called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked,
“What was that?” – “My pager,” I said. “I am 911.”
Another Dumb Blonde
This blonde’s really dumb, and that’s what her husband thinks of
her,so one morning she gets up and thinks to herself “I’m gonna
prove to my husband I can do something good. Right, when he’s
gone I’m gonna paint the lounge.So off her husband goes to work
for the day and she gets to work painting the lounge.Well, when
her husband comes home that afternoon he opens the door and gets
this big whiff of a paint smell. “Oh no, what’s she done now?”
is his only thought as he walks to the lounge. He opens the
door,and there’s his wife,lying on the couch,with 2 big
fur coats on,sweating and shivering.He rushes over to her and
says, “honey, are you ok? What’s happened?” To which she
replies,”Yeah,I was all ready to paint the lounge and everything
and read the instructions and followed them. They said ‘For best
results, apply two coats.’
Knock Knock 68
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman…!
Proctologist vs. bartender
Q: What’s the differecne between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: A proctologist looks at the assholes one at a time
Est� un se�or con el
Est� un se�or con el psiquiatra y le dice:
Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:
“Por favor deme tres tequilas.”
El bartender mira atr�s del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro d�a el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:
“Caballero �por qu� usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?”
Y el caballero responde:
“Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos m�os que esta� fuera del pa�s.”
El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:
“Ay, �no me diga que muri� uno de sus hermanos?”
Y el hombre responde:
“No, lo que sucede es que dej� la bebida…”
A gut-wrenching fart story
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or
nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any
more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife
decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and
not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the
bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey,
you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE
OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN
THERE.
Tough Bikers
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared
his throat and then asked, “Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through
the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little
man. “It’s my dog. Who’s asking?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog
just killed your Doberman, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What kind of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”
“A four week old puppy!” roared the biker, “How could your four week old puppy
kill my Doberman?”
“Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir.”
Mickey and Minnie in Divorce Court
One day, Mickey and Minnie get into a fight and then they go to
Divorce Court. When the judge asks Minnie why she wanted a
divorce, she said, “Well, he’s a super, stupid, scientific,
butt-liking, pussay.”
When the judge asks Mickey why he wanted a divorce, he said,
“She’s crazy. And she was just fucking Goofy!”
The judge then says, “Mickey and Minnie Mouse, you are now a
divorced couple, just sign these forms to verify that you are.”
Front Lawn
These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn.
“Look,” he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?”
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies “They are having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?”.
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks “Well. How did it go?”
To which the driver replies “It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Your four-year-old is a member
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.