One day, Mickey and Minnie get into a fight and then they go to
Divorce Court. When the judge asks Minnie why she wanted a
divorce, she said, “Well, he’s a super, stupid, scientific,
butt-liking, pussay.”
When the judge asks Mickey why he wanted a divorce, he said,
“She’s crazy. And she was just fucking Goofy!”
The judge then says, “Mickey and Minnie Mouse, you are now a
divorced couple, just sign these forms to verify that you are.”
Author: admin
Imag�nate en los a�os cincuenta,
Imag�nate en los a�os cincuenta, cuando la televisi�n estaba en pa�ales y los d�as tan s�lo eran acompa�ados por el fabuloso aparato de la radio. Una muestra de algunos anuncios comerciales de aquella �poca:
Caballero: H�gasela suave y placenteramente… Su afeitada le proporcionar� un suave placer con la crema de afeitar Mennen.
Se�orita: Si su mam� se mete el dedo y su hermana tambi�n, �no haga usted lo mismo! Use palillos para dientes Ping�ino.
Caballero: �Sabe por qu� a su novia le gusta toc�rselo?
Porque ella sabe que ese disco suena bien en su nuevo equipo Philco.
Se�orita: �No deje que le metan Esso! Cuando mande a lubricar su veh�culo exija Texaco.
Se�ora: Lo que usted siempre quer�a… �Ahora le caben hasta los huevos!
S�, hasta los huevos le caben en su nuevo refrigerador General Electric.
Se�orita: Si su novio llega borracho y se lo pide… �D�selo! S�, dele un par de Alka Seltzer y adi�s a esa borrachera.
Se�ora: �No le entran bien? �Le maltrata la punta? �Le duele mucho atr�s? �Siente desmayarse?
Es porque sus zapatos le quedan chicos. Ll�velos a La Italiana y se los suavizar�n.
Caballero: �Tiene problemas porque se le para constantemente?
Si algo anda mal en su reloj, ll�velo a la Relojer�a Suiza y se lo dejar�n como nuevo.
Se�orita: �Mucho cuidado, no deje que se lo den ni viejo ni fr�o!
Exija que le den del nuevo y calientito pan de la Panader�a Santa M�nica.
Caballero: �Se le ha achicado o encogido?
Usted sufrir� �sto si sus camisas no son confeccionadas con telas de La Parisina.
Se�ora: �Le gusta que su marido lo tenga duro o blando?
No lo piense m�s: pl�nchele el cuello de sus camisas con almid�n El Rey.
Caballero: �Le duele la cabeza al meterlo?
Claro, �sto le pasa por no usar sombreros Ariza.
Se�ora: �V�ngase en cuatro horas!… S�, v�ngase en cuatro horas de Monterrey a Torre�n viajando en los confortables autobuses Estrella Blanca.
Si a usted le gusta tenerlas siempre arriba y que no se le anden cayendo… Use ligueros Leonisa y sus medias lucir�n siempre bien.
Caballero: Si se le para de repente y se le derrama el l�quido, esto es se�al de que su carro necesita buj�as Champion.
Grandma’s strudel
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:
“I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries?
“I’m very sorry,grandfather, she says you can’t have any, it’s for the funeral!”
The Pope on Camera
One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.’Doctor, this should not be possible,’ he said, ‘I’m the Pope, and I’m celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!’The doctor’s reply was, ‘Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time’.The Pope exclaimed ‘But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn’t going away!’The doctor replied ‘You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.’ Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option.Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer had sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.The Pope immediately summoned his security guards, who arrested the photographer, and began to quite thoroughly and professionally beat him up. The photographer shouted out, ‘Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?’His anger having passed, the pope agreed with the photographer, and relented, saying ‘Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.’ Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replied, ‘But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!’The Pope, feeling guilty, agreed. ‘Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?’ Ecstatic, the paparazzi agreed, and was soon on his way. The Pope, in time, attended confession. Of course the whole story came out. For his penance, he was ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around his neck.Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist who said: ‘Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, ah, may I ask how much you pay for it?’Being the Pope, he cannot tell a lie, so he replied, ‘I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.’ ‘Ah…. so….’ said the Japanese gentleman, ‘look like someone saw you coming!’
2×3
Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math.
“What happened?” asked his dad.
“The teacher got mad at me.” Little Johnny grumbled.
“What for?” his dad asked.
“She asked me what 2 x 3 was. I told her 6.”
“Well, that’s right.” Said the dad.
“I know.” Said Little Johnny.
“But then she asked me what 3 x 2 was.”
“Christ! It’s the same fucking thing!” Cried the father.
“I know! That’s exactly what I told her,” huffed Little Johnny.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Notice from the Noti
NOTICE:PLEASE NOTICE!!!!!You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices
I can tell you’re lying.
I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.
The picklejar joke
Theres this guy who sells knives by acsident he thruw a k nife down a building and it cuts of a guys dick and then the guys dick falls into green paint and i t fell into a pickle jar and a lady bought that jar she ate all of them and she came back and she said all those pickles where delicous especialy the hairy one.
Est� un se�or con el
Est� un se�or con el psiquiatra y le dice:
Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:
“Por favor deme tres tequilas.”
El bartender mira atr�s del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro d�a el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:
“Caballero �por qu� usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?”
Y el caballero responde:
“Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos m�os que esta� fuera del pa�s.”
El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:
“Ay, �no me diga que muri� uno de sus hermanos?”
Y el hombre responde:
“No, lo que sucede es que dej� la bebida…”
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION …
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING …
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE …
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to
me!”
My Mother taught me LOGIC …
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE …
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get good job.”
My Mother taught me ESP …
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me HUMOR …
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My Mother taught me about SEX …
“How do you think you got here?”
My Mother taught me about GENETICS …
“You’re just like your father.”
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS …
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE …
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll
see what it’s like.”
Burning Bush
Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.
Photo From Nudist
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says … “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!”