A teacher asks her class ‘What is an tragedy?’ A boy says ‘Is it when my mum
runs me over?’ The teacher says ‘No, thats an accident.’ The boy says ‘is it
when a bus full of people goes over the cliff?’ The teacher says ‘No, thats a
great loss’. So the boy says ‘Well, it must be George Bush being killed by Bin
laden.’ The teacher says ‘Well done! How did you work that out?’ The boy says
‘Well its not an accident and its not a great loss!’
Author: admin
THE COLLEGE DRINKER’S ALPHABET
A- alcohol: the key to surviving college.
b- beer: it’s whats for dinner.
c- class: what you’re supposed to get up and go to after a thursday night
party.
d- dancing: a favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic.
e- emergency: the keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your
drinking party.
f- f*cked up: signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
g- games: anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
h- hang-over: reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
i- ignorant: the way you act after drinking way too much.
j- jail: where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake id or stagger home.
k- kissing: what you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
l- lord: person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
m- money: that which you no longer have due to too much partying.
n- not again!: what you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t
know.
o- oh s***!: what you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
p- pee: what you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.
q- quilt: what you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the
morning. yuck!
r- reform: what you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the
toilet.
s- sex: what you did with that person you met last night while you were
drunk.
t- twenty-four: the number of beers it takes to get drunk.
u- underage: most of the drinking population in college town.
v- vodka: the mother of all alcohols and the best way to make jello.
w- worm: the part of tequila that that you don’t mind eating after you’ve
consumed the whole bottle.
x- x-ray: how they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
y- yourself: the one who drinks way too much every week-end.
z- zima: zomething different.
Tips to improve your writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. Employ the vernacular.4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.6. Remember to never split an infinitive.7. Contractions aren’t necessary.8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.9. One should never generalize.10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Escopeta de carquiz, tiras
Escopeta de carquiz,
tiras pero no matas,
porque apuntas a las patas
y pegas en la nar�z.
�Qu� es?
El pedo.
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
Your mama so fat..
your mamas so fat she stepped on a scale and it said YOU KNOW YOU DIDNT LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
You’re so Poor
If your father didn’t cut holes in your pockets at Christmas,
you wouldn’t have anything to play with.
People from the church would run over animals in front of your
house to help with food.
Beggars give you money.
You don’t have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.
When you asked your mom what’s for dinner she opened her legs
and said spaghetti!
Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked
what they were doing you said, “moving”.
You have too jack off your dog too feed your cat
If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do
is run down the bank hollering “That’s real cheap!”
You can’t afford to pay attention
A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your
mom yelled, “Who turned off the heat?”
Your parents got married for the rice.
I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said,
“Hey, you lost a shoe.” she said, “No, I found one.”
When you asked what was for dinner your mom put her foot on the
table and said corn.
You live in a 2 story cracker jack box.
Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell “Ding Dong!” out
the window.
When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says “pick a
corner… any corner.”
You have to fart to get a scent (cent).
You’re so poor your mother couldn’t afford to have you…the
lady next door had you.
You go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.
Burglars bring things to you.
Yes, no, maybe
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, “No”
2% said, “Yes”
97% said, “Never Again”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Blonds day shoping
a blonde goes to a store and askes if she can bue a tv the owner says he dosnt sell to dumb blondes so she goes home and spray paints her hair red and asks if she can buy the tv and the owner says sorry i dont sell to dumb blondes so she goes to a butiy parler and dies her hair brown and gets a makeover to look totaly diffrent. she goes back to the store and says can i buy this tv and he says i dont sell to dumb blondes and she says how did u know it was me and the owner says thats not a tv its a toster
Una ni�ita le estaba platicando
Una ni�ita le estaba platicando de las ballenas a su maestra. La profesora dijo que era f�sicamente imposible que una ballena se tragara a un ser humano porque aunque era un mam�fero muy grande, su garganta era muy peque�a.
La ni�a afirm� que Jon�s hab�a sido tragado por una ballena.
Irritada, la profesora le repiti� que una ballena no pod�a tragarse a ning�n humano; f�sicamente era imposible.
La ni�ita dijo, “Cuando llegue al cielo le voy a preguntar a Jon�s”.
La maestra le pregunt�, “�Y qu� pasa si Jon�s se fue al infierno?”
La ni�a le contest�, “Entonces le toca a usted preguntarle.”
Using nails on a house
These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, “Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.” The buddy gets exasperated and says “You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!”
Poker Mates
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool my wife.” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.””You got the wrong technique my friend.” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say ‘How about a little ?’ She always pretends to be asleep!!!”