Author: admin

Dirty Words

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One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”.

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says…
“Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

The Top 13 Signs You Watch Too Much TV

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13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your ‘DayTimer’ is really a leather-bound TV Guide.12> You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book ‘C-Span for Dummies.’11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).10> To reduce ‘downtime’ — you got an *elective* colostomy. 9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal. 8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick 7> You write daily to the producers of ‘Bassmasters’ to urge them come out with movie version. 6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: ‘Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.’ 5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb. 4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite. 3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor. 2> Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower. 1> The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.

POST TURTLE

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While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor
asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.”
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle”
was.
He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a
fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by
himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up
there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”

20 Years In Prison

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A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and
sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?”, he replied.

“And remember he said I had two choices; I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember, so what?”

“I would have been released today.”

Little helper

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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Twelve Inch Pianist

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This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little
man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy
notices it.

�Hey, what’s that?�

�A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a
wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.�

�Can I try?� The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks
fill the room.

�Ducks? I didn’t wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!�

�Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?�

Talk too much?

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A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation,
talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he’d heard that men use
2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, “That’s because
women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.” To which he
looked up and asked, “Come again?”

Se trata de un hombre

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Se trata de un hombre al cual se le ha muerto la mujer. El hombre, despu�s de avisar a familiares y amigos, la lleva a que la cambien para velarla. Repentinamente, se le cae a la finada la peluca que llevaba puesta y el marido, apurado, intenta pon�rsela, pero ya se hac�a tarde y llegaban los familiares al velatorio.

El sujeto le dice al encargado de la funeraria que le ponga la peluca, ya que ella no quer�a que nadie se enterara que la usaba, solamente lo sab�an ella y �l. Le pide que de cualquier forma le coloque la peluca, pero que quedara bien, mientras �l entreten�a a los familiares y amigos.

Al rato, vuelve el marido, se acerca al caj�n, llora al lado de su mujer y disimuladamente tira de la peluca para ver si estaba bien colocada.

El tipo queda satisfecho y se retira de ah� y se acerca al responsable, y en voz baja le pregunta cu�nto le va a cobrar.

“�Qu� le voy a cobrar por dos clavitos!”, le responde el encargado.

sneaky gambler

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a lady walks into a bank to deposit $20,000. the president of
the bank says “if u don’t mind me asking, where did you get all
of this money.”the lady says”i gamble, i make bets”. the banker
then asks “well what kind of bet would you make me?” the lady
says”i bet you $10,000 that this time next week your balls will
be square.” the man says “my balls, square!? you’ve got a bet
ma’am.”
for the next few days the banker checks himself everyday to be
sure that his balls weren’t turning square. on the week from the
day he see’s the woman walking down the street and checks
himself one last time and they were still round. well the woman
walks in with a man and the banker says “my balls are not square
i win the bet.” the lady says “well if you don’t mind i would
like to check myself i mean it is an awful lot of money.”the man
says “i guess your right”and drops his pants and tells her to
feel them. the man the women walked in with starts to bang his
head against the wall. the banker says “what is wrong with your
friend”the women says “thats my accountant and i bet him $20,000
that today i would be holding the president of the bank by the
balls!”

Call to Heaven

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Once the Indian prime minister Mr.Rajiv Gandhi wanted to visit Ethiopia and he
was successful in implementing his plan and he flew to that country,there he was
very pleased to hear from the President that they can have a call to heaven for
just 3 minutes at a charge of just 2 bucks.Rajiv Gandhi was very much pleased
and he called his mom then his grandparents and every one.Soon after his trip he
summoned all the Indian scientists and ordered them to build a telephone such
that he can call every one from his own country, after one month the scientists
came with the solution and Rajiv made the first call to heaven but the cost for
3 minutes was just more than 300 bucks so he summoned all the scientists and
asked them why the charge is so high, it is only 2 bucks in Ethiopia for which
the scientists replied that from Ethiopia it is just an local call but from
India it is an ISD.