Little Johnny shared a bed with his teenaged sister. One night she snuck her boyfriend in so they could have sex. She told him in order to keep quite, she would tell him what speed to go by saying ham, turkey, or salami.
So they got busy…
Johnny was awakened by his sister screeching ham, turkey, salami! Ham, turkey, salami!!!
So he yelled at them ” Stop making sandwitches- you are getting mayonnaise all over me!!
Author: admin
Goth in a tree
Q. How do you get a Goth out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head…
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head
and says, “Say, your head feels just like my
wife’s ass.”
The bald man feels his own head
and says with a grin, “You know, you’re right!”
CLERKS
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
A man was driving in his red when he saw a…
A man was driving in his red when he saw a old priest standing by the side of the road. He stopped in front of the priest and said, ” hey do you need a lift.” The priest said, ” yeah i do. Can you drive me to the church on Maple drive?” ” sure hop in,” said the man in the car. The priest got in the back seat of the car. The man and the priest drove down the road about an hour when the man driving saw a lawyer waiting on the side of the road. The man driving then though, great i can run him over. He sped up. Then he remembered the priest in the back seat. Right before he hit the lawyer he swerved to the right. He said to the priest, “I’m so sorry priest i was going to hit the lawyer but I missed him. I am so sorry, please forgive me.” The priest then said, “that is ok I forgive you-” “Good” “- I got him with the sliding door!”
Dirty Words
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”.
Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.
Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says…
“Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Bill Gates
Bill gates dies and finds himself in pergatory, snacked up by God. God said “I’m letten you chose where you want to go.” Bill says “Whats the differance?” God said,”I’ll allow you a short visit at each to make up your mind.” The reply was lets see hell first. Hell was full of sandy beaches with beutiful women running aroud ang playing in the water. Bill said,”If this is hell, I want to see heaven!” So God took him to heaven. It was nice with all the angels floating around playing beautiful music. But, not as exciting as hell. So Bill said, ” Heaven’s nice and all, but I want to go to hell.” So Bill went to hell. A few weeks later, God decided to check on Bill. He found Bill in a dark cave being tortured by deamons. God asked, ” So, how ya’ doin’ Bill?” In a sad voice he said, “This is not what I expected. What happened to all of the beautiful women on the beaches?”
Yo mama so stupid
Yo mama so stupid she climbed a glass wall just to see what was on the other side.
An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new…
An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldn’t take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, “Honey, next Friday we’re going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. We’ll get a condo on the golf course and I’m going to play
golf all weekend.”
“That sounds fine,” she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, “Mind if I play along?”
The exec. said, “Fine. Glad to have the company.”
All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasn’t a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.
“Whoa,” he said. “That’s a high powered rifle!”
“Look,” said the other man. “I’m not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.”
“No. No,” said the exec. “I’m just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.”
The other man pondered for a moment and then said, “Well, I’ll tell you. It’s
my business. It’s what I do for a living.”
“Wow,” said the other. “I’ve heard about guys like you, but I’ve never met one
before.”
“Still want me to play?” said the other.
“Sure,” said the Erie exec. “As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?”
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.
The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, “Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there’s my wife.” He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, “she doesn’t have any clothes on.” He
looked through the scope again. “Damn, there’s a guy with her.”
The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. “How much do you
charge?”
“$10,000 a bullet,” said the man.
The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, “Do it.”
“Which one?” said the hit man.
“Both,” said the exec.
“That’s $20,000, you know.”
“I don’t care. hit ’em both.”
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. “Where do
you want me to get the man?” he asked.
“You know where to hit him,” said the exec.
“How about the woman?”
“In the mouth. She’s always flapping her gums anyway.”
“Ok,” said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. “Mister,” he said, “I think
I’m going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.”
Pepito iba muy mal en
Pepito iba muy mal en matem�ticas. Sus padres hab�an intentado de todo: maestros particulares, centros especiales, todo lo que pueda imaginarse. En un �ltimo intento, inscribieron a Pepito en la escuela cat�lica de la localidad.
Tras el primer d�a de clases, Pepito regres� a casa con una expresi�n muy seria en su rostro. Ni siquiera salud� a su mam�, sino que se fue directo a su cuarto y empez� a estudiar. Al poco tiempo hab�a libros y papeles por todo el cuarto y Pepito estaba trabajando como nunca antes. Su madre estaba sorprendida. Despu�s de comer, Pepito se regres� inmediatamente a su cuarto sin decir nada y se puso a estudiar de nuevo. Esto continu� por alg�n tiempo, d�a tras d�a y la mam� no lograba entender lo que hac�a la diferencia.
Al fin, Pepito llev� a casa su boleta de calificaciones. La dej� sin decir nada sobre la mesa y se fue a su cuarto a estudiar. Toda nerviosa, la mam� vio la boleta y, para su sorpresa, vio que Pepito hab�a sacado 10 en matem�ticas. Sin poder contener por m�s tiempo su curiosidad, la mam� fue a buscar a Pepito:
“Hijo, �qu� fue lo que pas�? �Fueron las monjitas las que te convencieron?”
Pepito se volvi� a verla, y moviendo la cabeza respondi�:
“No”.
“Entonces, �fueron los libros, la disciplina, la estructura, los uniformes? �Podr�as decirme qu� fue?”
“Bueno, mam�, cuando fui a clases el primer d�a y vi al pobre tipo clavado en el signo de m�s, �supe que las monjitas iban en serio!”
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?…
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the crap out of you.
Buying flowers
Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,” urged the street vendor.
“I haven’t got a wife,” replied the young man.
“Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart.”
“I don’t have a sweetheart, either.”
“Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck.”