Beer. If you can’t taste it, why bother!
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Radio Station
REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:
DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”
At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:
DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
‘Smee’ is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
The Priest, Carpenter, and Army Man
A priest, a carpenter, and an army man all go up in a plane. The priest says lets all throw something out the window. So the priest starts by throwing a bible out the window. Then the carpenter throws a hammer out the window. Then the army man decides to throw a gernade out the window.
After they throw everything out window the priest goes down to see what happened. He goes up to a kid that is crying and asks him what happened. He says a bible fell down and hit him. Then the priest goes up to another kid thats crying and he asks what happend. The kid says a bible hit him. Then the priest goes up to an old man sitting in a lawn chair laughing and asks what happened.
The grandpa says I just farted and the building behind me blew up!
Man with few words
Man on street asks women if she wanted to have sex. She replys back my house or yours? He replied back, if you want to argue about it forget it.
Another Tattoo down there…
A guy walks into a whorehouse. On his dick it says “Shortie’s.” One of the whores felt bad for him so she gives him a blow job.All the other whores were laughing at her until they came out of the room. It turns out that his dick said “Shortie’s Bar and Grill in Albuquerque, New Mexico.” Submitted by Jeff Wynne
Hung Like An Elephan
This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, “Dad, what’s that thing hanging down?” “That’s the elephant’s trunk,” replies his father.”No, I mean at the other end.” “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “That’s funny,” mused the little boy, “Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing.””Well,” said the smiling father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman.”
Enlargement Pills
A Mexican and a cowboy both entered a pharmacy one day and asked
the pharmacist if he had anything to make their dicks grow
bigger. The pharmacist said, “Yes, I have these pills. How many
would you like?”
The Mexican replied, “I will only take two because I don’t want
it to be too big to carry!”
The Cowboy then said, “Give me four-I want it big-REALLY BIG!”
So the pharmacist gave them the pills and asked them to return
in two weeks time to show him the results of the enlargement.
Two weeks later the Mexican arrived back in the shop and said,
“My rope is so long you have too walk really straight or it
falls out!”
A few seconds later the Cowboy entered with his huge cock in one
hand swinging it about and yelling, “Yee Haw!”
Speach problem boy
There was a boy with speach problems and his mother asked him if he could by her a few things at the shops. First he went to the hardware store and he asked for a fucket and the shop keeper says a what? and the boy said a fucket there about that big and you can fill it with water and the shop keeper said oh a bucket so he gave the a bucket the boy went to the bakery and asked for a bum and the bakery guy said a what? a bum there about this small and you can put salad in them and the bakery guy said oh a bun so he gave the a bun then the boy went to the pet store and asked for a cockandspankit. then the shop keeper said a what? then the boy said a cockandspankit there about this big and they bark then the shop keeper said oh a cockinspaniel so he gave him the dog the boy went up to a police officer and said can you hold my bum and fucket while i go chase my cockandspankit
Secrets for Making a
My wife and I have all the secrets for making a marriage last:1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday’s, I go Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”10. Remember… Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.12. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” … I said, ‘Dust!”
I Thought You Were M
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.””Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.”Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Jack and Jill (version 2)
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
but stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.
Paper shredder
A seceratary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing in front of
the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Excuse me.” said the CEO,
“This is a very important document.
Could you get this thing to work?” so the seceratary turned on the machine,
inserted the paper and pressed the start button and the paper went. “Great,”
said the CEO, “I just need one copy.”