2-SEATER PLANE crashd in a GRAVEYARD in PUNJAB…… LOCAL SARDARS have so far FOUND 500 BODIES n R still DIGGING for MORE…!!
Author: admin
The Honeymoon.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”
The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”
I love you
fly with me and let me sing another song,
let me see whats really bright in a picture of paradise,
you are the one holding my hand,
you are the one darling,
kiss me,
fill my heart with song and let me sing for ever more,
you were all i longed for,
all my worship has been done,
please be true,
you are the one,
i love you.
Einstein
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let
him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his
equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter
asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his
masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died,
he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re
George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said. Bush replied, “Well heck, I don�t know.” St.
Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his
famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies,
“Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George,
c’mon on in.”
Chain
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?
A: Made the chain too long.
Mystery Orange Penis
Man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?”
Doctor scratches his head, says “I’ve never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes.”
The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.
Doctor says, “Let’s see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style.”
Guy says “I’m single, live alone, just a normal type.”
Doctor: “How do you spend your evenings?”
“I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?”
Tough Questions
The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
Goin’ to Chicago
Two old senile men roomed across from one another at a nursing home. Bill fancied himself a race car driver, and one day the nurse heard him making noises and came running to his room.
“Bill, what are you doing?” she cried. “I just got my new Ferrari and I’m taking it out for a test drive!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day Bill was again causing a ruckus and the nurse came to check. “Bill, what are you doing?” “I’m driving my new Ferrari to Chicago – vrrrooomm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day she heard moaning and groaning from Bob’s room across the hall from Bill”s. She walked in to find Bob furiously masturbating. “Bob, what the hell are you doing?” Bob looked up and said “I’m fucking Bill’s wife while he’s in Chicago.”
Burn Victim
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…””But how did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.”How do you think I called you people?”
Man of the house
The husband had just finished his book, “Man of the house.”
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The funeral director.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Yo Mamma
your momma is so fat that when she sat on cloud skittles popped out!!
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.