What do Roseanne and a battleship have in common?
They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
Author: admin
Skeleton Passenger
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”The other driver leaned out of his window.”I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
The height of…
Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.
Gorillia
Knock-Knock
Who’s there?
Gorillia
Gorillia who?
Girl of my dreams I love you
I Wish
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
“For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to twins.”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?A: “You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Chinese Dictionary
Dung On Mai Shu————I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Let’s sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho———————-An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat—————–You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong————-Blow me
Dum Gai———————A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low————–Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia———————Approach me
Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————-Not very good
Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution
Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————– A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse
Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice
Yo Mamma
your momma is so fat that when she sat on cloud skittles popped out!!
Vampire Blood Bath
Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city. One night, one said to a another, �I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.� �No don’t! We have to wait for the others!� �I don’t care.� And off he went.About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood. The other vampire bat asked, �WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?� �You really want to see?� asked the bloody one. �Follow me.�So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, �Do you see that building?� �Yes,� came the reply. To that the first says, �Well, I didn’t.�
Q: How many Californians
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: Five – one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
Mystery Orange Penis
Man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?”
Doctor scratches his head, says “I’ve never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes.”
The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.
Doctor says, “Let’s see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style.”
Guy says “I’m single, live alone, just a normal type.”
Doctor: “How do you spend your evenings?”
“I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?”
Tough Questions
The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman