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The Honeymoon.

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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”

Standing in Line

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This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front’s back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”The bloke behind tells him, “Well, I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help myself. I can’t help practicing my art.””Are you crazy?” says the bloke in front, “I’m a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?”

Tough Questions

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The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question #2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I’ve seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d. Define pretty..

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman

Swedish Massage

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A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

“You wanna wank?”, she asked.

“You bet,” came the excited reply.

“O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”

Einstein

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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let
him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his
equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter
asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his
masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died,
he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re
George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said. Bush replied, “Well heck, I don�t know.” St.
Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his
famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies,
“Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George,
c’mon on in.”

Good Christmas Gift

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A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.

While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart… I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss then during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

The Top 12 Hardships for Out-of-Work NBA Players

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12. Forced to cut back from classy $8000-a-night call girls to skanky $5000-a-night variety.

11. Humiliating to have to ask that photographer you kicked in the groin for a loan.

10. “Choking the coach” now a private affair between the player and himself.

9. All these new summer tattoos and no one to show ’em to.

8. No longer able to afford stretch limo, more prone to injuries during romp in backseat of an AMC Pacer with Madonna.

7. Research for doctoral thesis “29 Hoes in 29 Cities” comes to a grinding halt.

6. Instead of having high quality weed delivered, must venture out to pick up generic brand themselves.

5. Charge account revoked at “Big and Tall Freak of Nature” shop.

4. Trash talking totally ludicrous after sinking ten foot underwear-to-the-hamper shot.

3. Spike Lee is camped out on the front lawn, and you’re tired of hearing how you mow the lawn like a wimp.

2. With no early morning practices, getting Toni Braxton to leave can be a real chore.

1. Restricted to fathering illegitimate children in a confined geographical region.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

Tres amigos estaban holgazaneando en

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Tres amigos estaban holgazaneando en una esquina, por lo que uno propone una competencia para ver quien puede escribir con la orina la palabra Ecuador en el suelo.

El primero lo intenta y s�lo alcanza a escribir Ecu. El segundo logra escribir Ecua, y el tercero escribe Ecuado. En eso estaban, cuando se acerca un negro esmeralde�o como de tres metros de alto que les pregunta:

“Y Uds. �qu� es lo est�n haciendo aqu�?”

“Nosotros estamos haciendo una apuesta, para ver quien escribe Ecuador con los orines en el suelo”.

“Eso no es nada, yo puedo escribir Ecuador: pa�s amaz�nico, ayer, hoy y siempre. Viva la patria”.

“A ver, escribe”, le dicen incr�dulos.

“Ya, pero t� me la manejas porque yo soy analfabeto”.

Man of the house

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The husband had just finished his book, “Man of the house.”

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang