Author: admin

Vacuum Salesman

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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this
up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned
on yet.”

Riddles for the bitter woman

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Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?The man.Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.Why are men like commercials?You can’t believe a word they say.Why are men like blenders?You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.Why are women so bad at mathematics?Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?Sex.What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?When the power goes off.What do men and women have in common?They both distrust men.How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?Guilt gifts are nicer.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?His wife is good at picking out clothes.How is a man like the weather?Nothing can be done to change either one of them.What is the difference between a man and childbirth?One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?Slow.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?They’re married.Why don’t men often show their true feelings?Because they don’t have any.Why do men have a hole in their penis?So oxygen can get to their brains.What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?Castrated.What’s the difference between government bonds and men?Bonds mature.What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?E.T. phoned home.Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?So men can remember them.

Lawyer and Drunk

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A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. “Well” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.” “Let me have it” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” “From my nose” the drunk replied.

Americans hate immagrints

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ok there is an american,a mexican, and an arabian. first the arabian takes a shot of burban and throws his glass at the wall and it shatters he says there so much sand in arabia that i dont have to drink out of the same glass twice. then the mexican takes a shot and does the same and says there so much glass in mexico that i dont have to drink with the same glass twice. then the american takes a shot pulls out a gun and shoots both the immagrints and says that there are so many of you immagrints in my country that i dont have to drink with the same immagrint twice.

I Wish

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A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.

“For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to twins.”

Last date

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A man is taking a woman home after their first date.

When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.

“Absolutely not”, the woman says. “I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.”

“All right then”, the man replies, “how about on the last date?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

UK vs USA

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An Englishman was recently asked about the differences betweenEnglish and American people. He said there were three:1. We speak English and you don’t.2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

7 Reasons Dogs don’t Use Computers

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Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear”You’ve Got Mail!” Can’t stick their heads out of Windows95 Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. Too difficult to “mark” every Web site they visit. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. Too hard to read the screen with head cocked to one side. ‘Cause dogs aren’t GEEKS!

Constant Erection

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A guy walked into the doctor’s office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

“Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty receptionist asked. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”

“It’s rather embarrassing,” the guy stammered. “You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.”

“Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze you in.”