Author: admin

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, “Dad, what’s that thing hanging down?” “That’s the elephant’s trunk,” replies his father.”No, I mean at the other end.” “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “That’s funny,” mused the little boy, “Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing.””Well,” said the smiling father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman.”

My wife and I have all the secrets for making a marriage last:1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday’s, I go Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”10. Remember… Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.12. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” … I said, ‘Dust!”

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive
while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in
heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every
girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug
over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy
#1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the
bar.

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so
bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

A priest, a carpenter, and an army man all go up in a plane. The priest says lets all throw something out the window. So the priest starts by throwing a bible out the window. Then the carpenter throws a hammer out the window. Then the army man decides to throw a gernade out the window.

After they throw everything out window the priest goes down to see what happened. He goes up to a kid that is crying and asks him what happened. He says a bible fell down and hit him. Then the priest goes up to another kid thats crying and he asks what happend. The kid says a bible hit him. Then the priest goes up to an old man sitting in a lawn chair laughing and asks what happened.

The grandpa says I just farted and the building behind me blew up!

The following are actual incidents reported…

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.