Q: Whats the Difference between a pregnent woman and a light bulb?
A: You can un screw the light bulb!!
Author: admin
A Blonde Visit to D.C.
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions –
“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now…
The 45th bus just went by!”
Prescribed
A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.
When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.
When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, “What are you doing? Swallowing them?”
The man replied sarcastically, “No, I’m shoving them up my arse!!!”
Enlargement Pills
A Mexican and a cowboy both entered a pharmacy one day and asked
the pharmacist if he had anything to make their dicks grow
bigger. The pharmacist said, “Yes, I have these pills. How many
would you like?”
The Mexican replied, “I will only take two because I don’t want
it to be too big to carry!”
The Cowboy then said, “Give me four-I want it big-REALLY BIG!”
So the pharmacist gave them the pills and asked them to return
in two weeks time to show him the results of the enlargement.
Two weeks later the Mexican arrived back in the shop and said,
“My rope is so long you have too walk really straight or it
falls out!”
A few seconds later the Cowboy entered with his huge cock in one
hand swinging it about and yelling, “Yee Haw!”
Not too many elephants finish high school.
Why don’t more elephants go to college?
Not too many elephants finish high school.
Radio Station
REAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:
DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan…..spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ‘go-an’
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, ‘goan’ is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself”
At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:
DJ: 96FM, what’s your name
Caller: Hi, me name’s Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee…..spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
‘Smee’ is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
People don’t care how much
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
Real Police Stories.
The following are actual incidents reported…
#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Patent Office
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding
bottle.”
“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle, replies the inventor.”
“A fottle? That’s a stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”
“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.
“A farton”, replies the inventor.
“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”
“In that case,” says the inventor…
“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”
Webster’s Clintonese
“My fellow citizens” = “Suckers”
“I didn’t inhale” = “I think you’re all idiots”
“goals” = “lies”
“broad-based contributions” = “taxes”
“investing in our infrastructure” = “pork-barrel spending”
“spending cuts” = “decimating the military”
“jobs program” = “military base lay-offs”
“Vietnam” = “where?”
“Attorney General” = “the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a
criminal record”
“God bless America” = “God help us, ’cause I don’t have a clue”
Paper shredder
A seceratary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing in front of
the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Excuse me.” said the CEO,
“This is a very important document.
Could you get this thing to work?” so the seceratary turned on the machine,
inserted the paper and pressed the start button and the paper went. “Great,”
said the CEO, “I just need one copy.”
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.