Author: admin

En la clase de Pepito

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En la clase de Pepito pregunta la profesora: “Carlitos, �una palabra con la letra c?”, y Pepito le susurra: “di culero, di culero”, el ni�o no le hace caso y contesta “cama”.

Luego dice la maestra: “Luisito, una palabra con la letra m”, y cuchichea Pepito: “di mierda, di mierda”.

Y as� sucesivamente, hasta que le colma la paciencia a la profesora y �sta piensa: “hoy voy a fregar a este Pepito”.

“A ver Pepito, 11 palabras con la letra p”. Y comienza Pepito: “pinche, puta profesora, pens� pisar Pepito, pero Pepito prevenido, puso preservativo”.

A redhead & a blonde

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”

The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Submitted by Danalockett
Edited by yisman and calamjo

One Smart Redneck!

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“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Merry Christmas Buddy”

Proper Manners

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The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table!”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

Hot Mamma

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.'”

Submitted by Phil

1. RE�NANSE TODAS LAS PERSONAS

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1. RE�NANSE TODAS LAS PERSONAS EN UN SOLO LUGAR

As� es m�s f�cil que los rescatistas encuentren todos los cuerpos de una vez y no pierdan tiempo buscando por aqu� y por all�.

2. AGUANTE LA RESPIRACI�N

Luego se acaba el ox�geno dentro de los escombros.

3. GUARDE LA CALMA

De todos modos… ya qu�.

4. TENGA A LA MANO UNA IDENTIFICACI�N

Hay que cooperar para la identificaci�n de cad�veres.

5. NO UTILICE LOS ELEVADORES NI LAS ESCALERAS

Solito va a llegar a la planta baja o al s�tano.

6. SI ESTA INGIRIENDO ALIMENTOS, DES�CHELOS

Con todo el tiempo que va a pasar para que lo encuentren, se pueden descomponer y producir mal olor, lo que puede confundir a los perros de rescate.

7. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS, NO GRITE

No gaste energ�a, no lo van a escuchar y puede despertar el p�nico.

8. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS Y VUELVE A TEMBLAR, NO SE MUEVA DE SU LUGAR

De todos modos no puede.

9. ESPERE A SER RESCATADO

�Que otra!

10. BUSQUE A LOS ARQUITECTOS, INGENIEROS Y ALBA�ILES QUE CONSTRUYERON EL EDIFICIO DONDE USTED SE ENCONTRABA

Dem�ndelos, s�balos a la monta�a rusa y deles una pedrada en la cabeza para que vean lo que se siente.

Moral Question

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Here is a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but it may
be interesting deciding what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure
destroyed. Let’s say you’re a photographer out getting still photos for a news
service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were
to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a
raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would
you use?

Bar Football

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One day a man was dumped by his girlfriend and goes to a bar. He
sits down and orders a beer. He turns to his left and sees a gay
guy smiling at him. The gay guy asks him if he would play “Bar
Football” with him. The man was very drunk and says, “What the
hell, how do you play?” The gay guy says, “What you do is take a
beer and chug it down without stopping, that’s 6 pionts. Then
for the extra piont you must pull your pants down and lay a big
fart.”

The gay guy takes his beer and chugs it down, pulls down his
pants and lays a high piched fart. The gay guy says, “Your
turn!”. The man takes his beer and chugs it down. The gay guy
says “6 pionts!” As the man pulls his pants down the gay guy
whips his penis out and sticks it up the man’s ass and starts
screaming, “Block that kick, block that kick!!!”

Bill Helps Gorby

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Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

“I do need your help,” said Gorbachev. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?”

“Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”

“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.

“I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

Second opinion

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A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“I was getting a second opinion.”

Bar Trick

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals – unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”