Why do women have 2 mouths? So they can bitch and moan at the same time!!!
Author: admin
One Smart Redneck!
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Merry Christmas Buddy”
Sex doggie style
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Survey Says…
These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show “Family Feud”
- Name something a blind person might use – A sword
- Name a song with moon in the title – Blue suede moon
- Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
- Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
- Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
- Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers – A horse
- Name something that floats in the bath – Water
- Name something you wear on the beach – A deck chair
- Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
- Something you put on walls – Roofs
- Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
- Something associated with the police – Pigs
- A sign of the zodiac – April
- Something slippery – A con man
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
- A food that can be brown or white – Potato
- Something with a hole in it – Window
- A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
- Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
Bar Football
One day a man was dumped by his girlfriend and goes to a bar. He
sits down and orders a beer. He turns to his left and sees a gay
guy smiling at him. The gay guy asks him if he would play “Bar
Football” with him. The man was very drunk and says, “What the
hell, how do you play?” The gay guy says, “What you do is take a
beer and chug it down without stopping, that’s 6 pionts. Then
for the extra piont you must pull your pants down and lay a big
fart.”
The gay guy takes his beer and chugs it down, pulls down his
pants and lays a high piched fart. The gay guy says, “Your
turn!”. The man takes his beer and chugs it down. The gay guy
says “6 pionts!” As the man pulls his pants down the gay guy
whips his penis out and sticks it up the man’s ass and starts
screaming, “Block that kick, block that kick!!!”
An Apocalyptic One-Liner
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the
date back a little just to be funny.
1. RE�NANSE TODAS LAS PERSONAS
1. RE�NANSE TODAS LAS PERSONAS EN UN SOLO LUGAR
As� es m�s f�cil que los rescatistas encuentren todos los cuerpos de una vez y no pierdan tiempo buscando por aqu� y por all�.
2. AGUANTE LA RESPIRACI�N
Luego se acaba el ox�geno dentro de los escombros.
3. GUARDE LA CALMA
De todos modos… ya qu�.
4. TENGA A LA MANO UNA IDENTIFICACI�N
Hay que cooperar para la identificaci�n de cad�veres.
5. NO UTILICE LOS ELEVADORES NI LAS ESCALERAS
Solito va a llegar a la planta baja o al s�tano.
6. SI ESTA INGIRIENDO ALIMENTOS, DES�CHELOS
Con todo el tiempo que va a pasar para que lo encuentren, se pueden descomponer y producir mal olor, lo que puede confundir a los perros de rescate.
7. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS, NO GRITE
No gaste energ�a, no lo van a escuchar y puede despertar el p�nico.
8. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS Y VUELVE A TEMBLAR, NO SE MUEVA DE SU LUGAR
De todos modos no puede.
9. ESPERE A SER RESCATADO
�Que otra!
10. BUSQUE A LOS ARQUITECTOS, INGENIEROS Y ALBA�ILES QUE CONSTRUYERON EL EDIFICIO DONDE USTED SE ENCONTRABA
Dem�ndelos, s�balos a la monta�a rusa y deles una pedrada en la cabeza para que vean lo que se siente.
Movie line – Not PC
One of many great lines from the movie: ‘As Good As It Gets’Scene: Reception area of a major publishing house. Jack Nicholson is best selling romance novel author Melvin Udall, a rather cranky and quirky old guy who really doesn’t like people at all. The cute young blond receptionist sees that she has a chance at last to gush over her favorite author and after a ritual bag of compliments asks:Receptionist: How *do* you write women so well?Melvin Udall: Quite simply: I think of men, and I take away reason and accountability.
Patent Office
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding
bottle.”
“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle, replies the inventor.”
“A fottle? That’s a stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”
“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.
“A farton”, replies the inventor.
“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”
“In that case,” says the inventor…
“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”
Webster’s Clintonese
“My fellow citizens” = “Suckers”
“I didn’t inhale” = “I think you’re all idiots”
“goals” = “lies”
“broad-based contributions” = “taxes”
“investing in our infrastructure” = “pork-barrel spending”
“spending cuts” = “decimating the military”
“jobs program” = “military base lay-offs”
“Vietnam” = “where?”
“Attorney General” = “the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a
criminal record”
“God bless America” = “God help us, ’cause I don’t have a clue”
Prescribed
A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.
When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.
When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, “What are you doing? Swallowing them?”
The man replied sarcastically, “No, I’m shoving them up my arse!!!”
In Elyria, Ohio, in October,
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.