Get Your Ire Up

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy?” “Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.” The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked. The second decided to try.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” “Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.” The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked. The third man knew he had the solution.”Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?” “Oh, no. But that’s what y’r friends hae been trying to tell me.”

New inventions by blondes.

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

The Top 16 Songs From Dracula: The Musical!

16> Some Enchanted Bleeding15> Tainted Blood14> Me and My Shad– Well, Crap13> 50 Ways to Bleed Your Lover12> Sweet Home Transylvania11> Livin’ La Vida Muerta10> To Scream the Impossible Scream 9> Chomp! 8> I Only Have Eye Teeth for You 7> A Corpse Is a Corpse (Of Course, of Course) 6> Here Comes the Sun…  Aiiieeee! 5> Stakedance! 4> Just My Exsanguination (Running Away With Me) 3> I’m Singing in the Vein 2> She Fangs 1> There’s No Business Like O Business!             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             [   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ] 

Hypothetical Question

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
“Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

Quotes from Mark Twain

“They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy, foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce.”

“CLASSIC, a book which people praise and do not read.”

“In Boston they ask, ‘How much does he know?’ In New York, ‘How much is he
worth?’ In Philadelphia, ‘Who were his parents?'”

“Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET”