Sometimes you’re the bird, and sometimes you’re the windshield.
Author: admin
Little Johnny’s Train Set
Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for
hours at a time while she did things around the house without
him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny.
Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him
say “All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of
you that want to get on, get the fuck on.”
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny
was playing. “Young man”, she said “march up to your room and
think about what I’ve told you about that kind of language.”
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his
trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he
proceedes to say “All those who want to get off, get the fuck
off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch
in the kitchen.
Harem
What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows?
A milk sheik!
Persistant stoner
A stoner walks into a 7-11 and asks the clerk, “Got any weed?”
The clerk responds, “Hell no, you damn stoner.”
The next day the stoner returns he asks the clerk, “Got any weed?”
The clerk outraged, smashes the stoners head on the counter and says, “Look you stoner, if you come in here and ask if I got weed one more time I will nail your feet to the floor.”
So.. the next the day the stoner walks in and asks the clerk, “Got any nails?”
The clerk says, “No.”
So the stoner asks, “Got any weed?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
bungee jumping
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.
Billy Ray
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dimension!Dimension who?Dimension it!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dimension!Dimension who?Dimension it!
Instant Cow Attraction!
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME:
“Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION:
Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT:
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TORNIQUET:
Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
4 Roses
What’s better then 4 roses on a piano?tulips on an organ!
Malcolm in the Puddle
Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmno_qrstuvwxyz. Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where’s the p?Malcolm: Miss, it’s running down my leg!
My mother had passed away
Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about
all his employees well being asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” To
which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.” The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to
the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy
just take the day off to relax and rest.” Judi very calmly states, “No.. I’d be
better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual… “If you
need anything just let me know.” A few hours pass and the boss decides to check
on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out
to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What’s wrong?” Judi
breaks down in tears, “I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said
that *her* mom died too!!”