Americans were saying in 1959…

Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some
of you will remember, some will only laugh…

* I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for
$20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be
long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won’t be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if
someday they’ll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It would be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country, that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don’t know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I’ll
have my wife learn to cut hair.

* We won’t be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.

The Most Venomous Snake in the World

NAME:

“Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION:

Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:

Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS:

This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT:

Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE:

Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TORNIQUET:

Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND:

This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND:

This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Three Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. “And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Persian Rugs

A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that
sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and finds
the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts
loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson
doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
“Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”

He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna
shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”

Nice Dinner

A female’s version of a nice dinner:

1. He pickes you up in his car.
2. You go to a movie that you wanted to see forever.
3. You go over to his house, and have a goof candle light dinner
that he cooked, and then he cleaned up.
4. You rent a major chick flick movie, and watch it with him,
cuddling on the couch.
5. He drives you home.
6. Walks you to the door, you give his a sweet little peck, and
go in the house.
7. He leaves, and goes home.

===================================================

A male’s version of a nice dinner:

1. After he pickes you up in a car, you go to a movie.
2. You make out in the movie theater.
3. You go to his house, eat pizza, have sex on the table after
you eat.
4. You rent a movie, and watch it.
5. During the movie, you have sex on the couch.
6. He drives you home, you have sex in the car.
7. You walk to the porch, have sex on the porch.
8. Both of you go into her house, and have sex on her bed.
9. Then you have sex with her parents.
10. After you got home, you have sex with yourself on the table,
the couch, and the bed.