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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving
his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit
the damned ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want
to make this a perfect shot.”
“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her
from here.”
Beware of what you want. You may get it.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
“Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”
What’s hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a “C” and ends with a “T”?
A coconut.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Estaba una pareja caminando por el centro de la ciudad cuando de repente el esposo ve al ginec�logo de su esposa.
El ginec�logo saluda nada m�s al esposo, as� que �ste confundido le dice:
“Oiga, �qu� no se acuerda de mi esposa? Esta es mi esposa.
Y el ginec�logo le responde:
“Ah disculpe, lo que pasa es que yo no me fijo en las caras de mis pacientes…”
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland
and says to the assistant: “Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls? My daughter’s birthday is today and I have to get
something she will love!”
She says, “Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!”
The guy asks in astonishment,”Why is “Divorcee Barbie so much?
She looks the same to me.”
The assistant answers, “Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s golf clubs, his
season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard,
his yacht and his summer home.”
This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional.
There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.
1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?
4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.
Answers
1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.
3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are
capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three
questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true
professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four,
you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you. If you answered two
out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If
you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way
you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career
that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or
politics.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer
would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs
screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the
house in time to screw his wife — but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.
yo mama so fat when she jumped she got stuck in the sky
yo mommas so fat
“They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy, foreigners always spell
better than they pronounce.”
“CLASSIC, a book which people praise and do not read.”
“In Boston they ask, ‘How much does he know?’ In New York, ‘How much is he
worth?’ In Philadelphia, ‘Who were his parents?'”
“Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET”
There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, “Thank you for saving me. I’ll do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!”
The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, “Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?”
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