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A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
“Are you afraid he’ll spread lies about you?” I asked.
“I don’t mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I’ll break his neck,” she answered.
A hasband and a wife were on a honey moon and the hasband wanted his wife to give him a blowjob but she was very tired so she just turned a way.
Sometime later the husband felt a blowjob
and started moaning.his wife came out of the bathroom saying”whats the matter?”the husband said “what?!”5 seconds later his cat came out from under the blanket.
Una anciana va a la penitenciar�a el d�a de visita y dice:
“Vengo a la visita conyugal”.
“��Usted?! �Pero con qui�n?”, pregunta asombrado el oficial.
“No importa. Con quien sea, usted p�seme”.
Q Why did the condom fly across the room?
A Because it got really pissed off
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I’m going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, “Why, God, why now? After all I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?” From up above, there came a voice, “Sorry. I didn’t not recoginize you.”
16> Some Enchanted Bleeding15> Tainted Blood14> Me and My Shad– Well, Crap13> 50 Ways to Bleed Your Lover12> Sweet Home Transylvania11> Livin’ La Vida Muerta10> To Scream the Impossible Scream 9> Chomp! 8> I Only Have Eye Teeth for You 7> A Corpse Is a Corpse (Of Course, of Course) 6> Here Comes the Sun… Aiiieeee! 5> Stakedance! 4> Just My Exsanguination (Running Away With Me) 3> I’m Singing in the Vein 2> She Fangs 1> There’s No Business Like O Business! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
How do you get a one arm dumb blonde out of a tree?
You wave at her!
There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching
the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.” The
room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.
“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk????”
What’s hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a “C” and ends with a “T”?
A coconut.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
What’s the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a
hurried course.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
“Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'” The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”