Category: other

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.””I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.”It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

15> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it — at traffic court.

14> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.

13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra.

12> You’ve racked up so many points on your driver’s license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next vehicular manslaughter conviction.

11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver’s license.

10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar for “Monster’s Ball” was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.

9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.

8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now “feel like walking to Jordan.”

7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.

6> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht afteb you.

5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the “designated drunk.”

4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.

2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door — and it was *up* at the time.

1> Every time your cell phone rings while you’re putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to
hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful
valley and waited.

Soon a bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley.
The hunter aimed and fired. When the smoke cleared he couldn’t
see the bear.

Then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder.

The man turned around and there was the bear, standing 7 feet
high,
towering over him. The bear said, “you tried to shoot me didn’t
you?” To which the Hunter replied, “Yes, I’m afraid I did.”
“Well,” said the Bear, “in that case you will have to give me a
blow job.”

Having no choice in the matter, the Hunter did as he was told.

That night the Hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge.
So the next day he went to the same spot, only this time he
brought a huge elephant gun. Once again the bear appeared and
the hunter fired. After the smoke cleared the hunter couldn’t
see no carcass.

Tap, tap, tap. “You tried to shoot me didn’t you?”

“Why, yes, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well take your pants down and bend over. I’m going to have to
fuck you up the ass. Having no choice the Hunter did what he was
told.

That night the Hunter was really, really angry and resolved that
he would get the Bear no matter what.

This time he brought an M16. He went to the same spot and waited
until the bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty
rounds. When the smoke cleared, he could’nt see the bear.

Tap, tap, tap. “You tried to shoot me didn’t you?”

Gulp. “Yes, I’m afraid I did.”

The Bear thought for a moment then said, “You don’t come here
for the
hunting, do you?”

Estaban un franc�s, un alem�n y un tontiland�s reunidos tratando de ver cual de sus esposas era la m�s pendeja.

El franc�s:

“Oui, mi esposa es la m�s pendeja. Ella mand� construir una alberca en la casa y ni siquiera sabe nadar”.

El alem�n:

“No, la m�s pendeja es mi esposa; se compr� un Mercedes y ni siquiera sabe manejar”.

El de Tontilandia:

“Joder, que la m�s pendeja es mi esposa, imag�nense que se va a ir en un crucero al Caribe por una semana con 2 amigas y compr� 3 cajas de condones… �Y ni siquiera tiene pito!”

I have two friends in North Georgia named LeRoy and Bubba. Last October
they went down to Athens to see a football game, and during the halftime
activities, they noticed UGA, the canine mascot of the Bulldog team, licking
his privates on the fifty yard line.

“Damn, Bubba, I wish I could do that!” LeRoy said.

Bubba cried, “Fool! That dog would bite your head off!”

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn’t have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.

“Put your hands between my legs to warm them up,” says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It’s so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.

He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, “Aren’t your ears cold?”

read outloud
I
Am
Sofa
King
We
Todd
It

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young
farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment and then
I’ll give you a hand?”

“No, thanks,” said the young boy. “My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come,
have a drink of water. Rest in the shade.”

Again the young man protested. “Oh, no, sir. My father would be real mad!”

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me where I can find him; I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

The young farmer replied, “He’s right there under that pile of hay!”

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”

A boy was sitting on the street corner in front of a catholic
church one day holding a bottle of turpentine. Then the pope
came out and asked him what he had in his hands.

The boy replied, “This is turpentine, the most powerful potion
in the world!”

Then the pope said, “I hate to dissagree with you boy but holy
water is the most powerful potion in the world. If you put it on
the belly of a pregnent woman then she will pass her baby right
away!”

The boy said, “Well, if you put this on a cat’s ass then it will
pass a motorcycle!”

We’ve all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the…. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers…”Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.” If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press….no one will answer any way.