Category: other

It seems that there was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, ”Mom, all I’ve ever wanted was to see.”His mom said, ”Well son it’s your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered.”So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn’t over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again.He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, ”Mom, Mom, get in here fast!”His mom comes running in and says, ”What is it son?”The boy says, ”Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning, and I’m still blind!”And his mom says…….”April Fools!!”

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.

The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.

Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.

She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress.”

He did this carefully.

“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her.

“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties.”

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had
from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French
coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned
into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall
tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands,
bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

Manolo entra como una tromba al bar del pueblo y grita, “Dame un whisky doble. �Estoy furioso!” El cantinero le sirve la bebida y Manolo se la toma de un trago. “Dame uno m�s.” El cantinero le vuelve a servir e, intrigado, le pregunta, “�Qu� te sucede? �por qu� vienes tan enojado?”

Manolo responde: “Mira, estaba en el bar de al lado cuando entra esta rubia monumental y se sienta justa a mi lado. T� sabes, era como una fantas�a vuelta realidad. Entonces comienzo a sentir la mano de la rubia en mi pierna y la rubia se me acerca y me dice que lo siga y se levanta. No pod�a creer lo que estaba pasando, pero la segu�.”

“Me llev� hasta un hotel cercano y subimos a su cuarto. Tan pronto como cerr� la puerta se quit� el vestido. �Era todo lo que tra�a encima! En un segundo me desvest� y en eso escucho un ruido de llaves fuera del cuarto y la rubia dice: Oh, ese es mi novio. Debe haber perdido su torneo de lucha libre y debe estar furioso. �Esc�ndete!”

“As� que como rayo busco donde esconderme y no se me ocurre nada mejor que colgarme de la ventana tomado de los dedos a la cornisa. Entonces oigo que entra el tipo y grita, “�Con quien estabas ahora, perra!” y empieza a revolver todo el cuarto, y luego dice, “�Qu� es eso que est� ah� en la ventan?” Luego oigo que el tipo entra al ba�o y escucho agua correr, y de pronto el fulano me ba�a con agua hirviendo. �Mira! �Tengo quemaduras por toda la cabeza y los hombros!”

El cantinero dice, “Vaya, de seguro que eso te enfureci�.”

“No, realmente eso no fue lo que me molest�. Enseguida, el tipo comenz� a bajar la ventana una y otra vez, golpe�ndome los dedos. �Mira c�mo me han quedado!”

El cantinero dice, “S�, ahora entiendo lo que te puso tan furioso.”

“No, eso no fue lo que me hizo enojar.”

“Bueno, �entonces que fue lo que te molest� tanto?”

“Mira, estaba all� colgando, todo quemado y con los dedos destrozados, cuando se me ocurre voltear para abajo �y s�lo estaba a 30 cent�metros del suelo!”

Va un argentino caminando y se encuentra con un amigo que le dice:

“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”

“Que me caso…”

“�Con qui�n te cas�s?”

“Con la ‘Pitisha'”

“��Con esa puta?!”

Se va el argentino un poco bajoneado y se encuentra a otro amigo que le dice:

“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”

“Nada, que me caso”.

“�Y con qui�n?”

“Con la ‘Pitisha'”

“��Con esa puta?!”

Entonces se va para un bar y se encuentra otro amigo que le dice:

“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! Y decime �qu� cont�s?

“Que me caso”.

“�Con qui�n?”

“Con una puta”.

“��Con la ‘Pitisha’?!”

What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Lion King?

One’s an African Lion and the other is a Lying African,

He laid her on the table

so white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast

and then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide… he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…

And then he stuffed the turkey.

1.Who does a vampire love?
the girl necks-door!

2.Docter, Docter I keep thinking im a bridge what on earth has come over you? 3 Trucks 5 vans and 18 cars!

3.Docter, Docter how do I stop my nose from running? Stick your foot out an trip it up!

Un hombre de edad avanzada va caminando a la orilla del lago. De pronto siente que “algo” le brinca al zapato y descubre con asombro que es una rana enorme.

De pronto, la Rana le dice en tono esperanzador: “Si usted me besa, yo me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo”.

El hombre, sorprendido ante tal invitaci�n, voltea para todos los lados y al darse cuenta de que no es visto, toma a la rana y se la mete dentro de la camisa.

De inmediato sigue su camino. Minutos m�s tarde la rana le pregunta: “Oiga usted buen hombre, que no me vas a besar. Mire que me convierto en una princesa hermosa. Una princesa despampanante, con un cuerpo muy atractivo.”

A lo que el hombre mayor le dice:

“Mira Princesita, a mi edad es m�s divertido tener una rana que habla”.

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck!
———————
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.
———————
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion ?
A: Father’s day in Harlem!
———————
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn’t tell heads from tails?
You should have seen the scalps he took!
———————
A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.

He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, “Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in.”

The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, “The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say ‘YELLOW’!”
———————
This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt.
The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.
———————
An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London’s biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.

After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, “Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only they’re three times the size?”

“I’m not surprised,” said the kid. “That’s a Lunatic Asylum!”
———————
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, “What you dlink?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time were *twee* little pigs…”