Category: other

Fresh off of the news wire…..

AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial:

I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I’m getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that’s when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

Thank you
Monica Lewinsky

Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233 (Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon: 59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number And here I thought math classes were hard….

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad!”

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two hairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information
Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them
into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public
Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents
team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

There was a mexican that had just came to America. He did not know any english what so ever. Well the very first night he was in the USA he went to an opera. The lady was singing “me, me, me, me”. The mexican remebered that. Then he went to a restraunt and rembered the waiter asking him if he wanted some forks and knives. Then when he went home he seen the glade comercial and remembers it saying “plug it in, plug it in”. The next day a cop came to his door and told him that his neighbor had been stabbed to death. The cop asked if he knew he killed him and he said “me, me, me, me”. The cop said” well what did you kill him with?” The mexican said “forks and knives, forks and knives”. The cop took him to jail and sentenced him to the death penalty. When the mexican was sitting in the electric chair the man doing the procedure asked him if he had any last words. The mexican thought for a little bit and said “plug it in, plug it in”

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says “I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.” Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, “Look, I just made two people really happy.”Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.” At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”

En la calle, un oficial de tr�nsito sigue a un tipo que va manejando estupendamente su auto. Cuando lo alcanza, en una luz roja, ve que son tres sujetos y le se�ala al chofer:

“�Caramba, amigo, maneja usted muy bien! En la comandancia ofrecen un premio en efectivo a la persona que mejor maneje en esta ciudad y usted es el ganador. �Qu� va hacer con su dinero?”

“Pues voy a sacar mi licencia de manejo”.

“No le haga caso, oficial, es que est� borracho”, asegura el copiloto.

“�Ya ven, yo les dije que no era buena idea robarnos este auto!”, reclama el de atr�s.

Una anciana va a la penitenciar�a el d�a de visita y dice:

“Vengo a la visita conyugal”.

“��Usted?! �Pero con qui�n?”, pregunta asombrado el oficial.

“No importa. Con quien sea, usted p�seme”.

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I’m going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, “Why, God, why now? After all I’ve been through, how could you do this to me?” From up above, there came a voice, “Sorry. I didn’t not recoginize you.”

There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, “Thank you for saving me. I’ll do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!”

The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, “Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?”

jokes

Un jud�o, con la mejor de las intenciones, hab�a enviado a su hijo al colegio m�s caro de la colectividad jud�a: el Tarbut. Pese a sus intentos, Samuel no daba “pie con bola”.

Bolet�n del primer mes:

Matem�ticas: 2
Geograf�a: 6
Historia: 4
Literatura: 2
Conducta: 0

Esas p�simas calificaciones se repet�an mes a mes hasta que el pap� se cans�:

“Samuel, esc�chame bien lo que te voy a decir: si el pr�ximo mes tus calificaciones y tu comportamiento no mejoran, voy a tener que pasar por la verg�enza de tener que mandarte a estudiar a un colegio cat�lico”.

Al mes siguiente las notas de Samuel fueron una tragedia s�lo comparable al hundimiento del Titanic. El padre cumpli� con su palabra; a trav�s de un rabino cercano a su familia se contact� con un obispo que le recomend� un buen colegio de sacerdotes franciscanos, a donde Samuel fue enviado.

Bolet�n del primer mes:

Matem�ticas: 9
Geograf�a: 8
Historia: 9
Literatura: 10
Conducta: 10

Segundo bolet�n:

Matem�ticas: 10
Geograf�a: 9
Historia: 10
Literatura: 10
Conducta: 10

Un d�a, el padre le pregunta:

“Samuel, estoy muy satisfecho de que te vaya tan bien en la escuela. �C�mo ha sucedido este milagro?”

“Lo que pasa, es que despu�s de que me presentaron a todos los compa�eros y profesores fuimos a la iglesia. Cuando entr�, vi a un se�or crucificado, con clavos en las manos y en los pies, todo ensangrentado y con cara de haber sufrido mucho. Pregunte qui�n era �se, y me respondi� un alumno de los cursos superiores: �se era un jud�o igual que t�. Entonces me dije: En este colegio no se andan con tonter�as…”.

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.
1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?
4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

Answers
1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.
3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are
capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three
questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true
professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four,
you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you. If you answered two
out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If
you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way
you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career
that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or
politics.