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God called Noah one day and said, “Noah, I need you to build another ark.”

“What, like the last one?” Noah replied.

“Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories.”

“So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?” Noah asked.

“No,” said God, “I want you to just take fish on board.”

Noah asked, “What kind of fish?”

“Just carp.” replied God

“Why just carp?” asked Noah

God quipped, “Because I’ve always wanted a multi story carp ark…..”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese
yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked
the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around
and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro Cinqo.

My cousin had taken her 2yr old daughter to her first communion at the local church. My cousin broke off some bread and handed it too her daughter who took one look at the small piece in her hand and said “next time mummy can you ask Jesus to give me a bigger sandwich?”

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county, ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon
inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been
helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating
situation. So he puts up a sign that reads “WARNING: ONE OF
THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the
watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads,
“NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”. Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”.

Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that lagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – “Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???”

Mike replies – “No, he said – ‘You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

Little old Mr. Ravelli is out on his front stoop, barbecuing a chicken on a manual rotisserie, when a hippie comes walking by.

The hippie stops, takes a look, and says, “Hey, man…the music stopped and your monkey’s on fire.”

what do you get when king kong stepe on a glacier? crushed ice.