Category: other

Yo’ mama so fat, when she was born, they didn’t get a birth certificate —
they got blueprints!

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

This 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and
singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while
then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?” She says, “I just
got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he
say about your 65 year-old ass?” She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

Q: Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?

A: They give them gas.

1. When you pick up the phone say, “Hello.” then wait for them
to start talking, put on a recorded tone in you voice, and say,
“If this is someone calling for Ed or Steve please press one . .
. If this is a telemarketer please press two . . . (after you
hear a beep sound say)Thank you for calling please leave a
message after the click.” Then hang up the phone.

2. When you pick up the phone ask who is speaking to you and if
it is someone from the other sex start asking about their
personal life and continue asking questions like “how are you?”
and “how old are you?” and advance to the final question “will
you go out with me?”

3. If the telemarketer is from AT&T start asking how much money
it will cost in the long run and when they answer say “Do you
use AT&T or do you just work there? Huh? Huh? Do yah? Do yah?”
and before they can answer say “Yeah that’s what I thought!” and
hang up.

4. If a kid picks up the phone when the telemarketer calls and
they ask to speak to your one of your parents say, “Okay, I
will, if you pay me five bucks, oh and by the way I take checks
or cash but no credit cards.”

5. If a kid picks up the phone when the telemarketer calls and
wants to speak with your parent say, “Please hold” and put easy
listening music and wait 5 minutes come on again and say, “You
will have to hold for 10 more minutes” put the music back on and
wait the ten minutes if the telemarketer is still on the other
line pick up the phone say, “How do you like it? Huh? Well you
waited for nothing because he/she isn’t home Ahahahahaha!!!
Sucker!!” and hang up.

6. When you pick up the phone put on a foreign accent and ask
the telemarketer to repeat every sentence over and over. When
that has been done tell them something like (if their trying to
sell you a vacuum) “So vhat it is zat you are saying zat you
will zuck your pro-duct . . . or vos it dat your product vill
zuck you? I am all con-fus-ed hhhmmm. I’ll call you back about
ze product OK. . Good bye now!”

7. If they call around dinner time say, “Can I have your home
phone number so that we can keep talking about your great
product.” When they answer that they are not allowed to say,
“For privacy reasons right . . . how ironic, your invading my
privacy, so tell your snobby company to stop calling me or I’ll
look up all of your phone numbers and call you in the wee hours
of the morning!

8. Insist that it is your best friend from college on the other
line and start talking about the good times you hade together.

9. When the telemarketer calls put on a gruff voice and say, “I
know what you did last summer” or “I know where you live”.

10. Go totally berserk and start yelling things that make no
sense.

En su viaje a Nueva York, Manolo compr� una televisi�n para llev�rsela a su familia.

“�Es qu� no hay televisores en su pa�s?”, pregunt� alguien.

“Claro que los hay, pero los programas de aqu� me gustan mucho m�s”.

A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around.

All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, so takes it to the cashier.

“The rat, eh?” says the old grizzly cashier

“um, yeah…how much?” replies our friend

“Well, five bucks for the rat–but 200 dollars for the story,” he replied.

“I’ll just take the rat, without the story.” Says the customer.

He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.

Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him.

He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. “So now do you want the story?”

“No,” said the man, “but have you got any brass lawyers?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
“You know,” said one of the explorers, “we should name this place we’re hiking
through.”
“I know,” said the second explorer. “We’ll each pick a letter and then make a
name out of that.”
“Okay,” said the third, “I’ll go first. C, eh.”
“N, eh.”
“D, eh.” And that’s how they named Canada…

Buckwheat attended the Million Man March and was motivated to convert to the Muslim faith.

His new Muslim name is Kareem-A-Wheat.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son.

As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.

Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.

“What’s the matter with that little fellow?” he asked. “He seems awfully puny and underweight.”

“He’s one of those artificial insemination babies,” explained the nurse, and he’s been coming along rather slowly, I’m afraid.”

“Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine,” said the man.

“What’s that?” asked the nurse.

The man replied with a smile., … “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, “Where is God?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is
God?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in
a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is
God?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIIIIG
trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?”

His brother replied, “God is missing… and they think we did it.”

Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives. Jim said, with concern, “I’ll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn’t consummate my marriage last night.” “Well, really,” says Bob. “I better see a therapist then – I didn’t even think of it!”