Category: other

WHAT DO YOU CALL A CAN OF TUNA IN A LESBIANS POCKET? CHEW!

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly
clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor
vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my
son.

I brought my selection — a baseball bat — to the cash
register. “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I
explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle
bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are
you going back there?”

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, “Today is the day that you get your first pistola!”

The boy replies, “But I don’t want a gun. I want a golden watch!”

Vito looks strangely at his son and says, “Wadda you want wit a watch?” Before the son can answer that he says, “Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?”

The son replies, “Time’s up, Mario!”

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven”t got the energy”.

Well, why don”t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They”re packed with nutrients”.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won”t keep you there.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says….. “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style….it makes your nose look too short!”

Knock Knock
Whos there
Youred
youred who
youredumb for listening to my knock knock joke

Una joven y atractiva actriz de cine le comenta a una amiga:

“En mi pr�xima pel�cula voy a aparecer totalmente desnuda…”

Hace una pausa y luego, echando chispas por los ojos y con voz enfurecida, agrega:

“�Es que quiero demostrarles a esos cr�ticos patanes que no s�lo soy una cara bonita!”

Tommy O’Shea sat on a four engined jet one day, feeling very
excited to be flying to Australia for a holiday. Now a very
tired Aussie was sitting next to him called Mark Didgimburro.
Mark was flying back to Australia after a bussiness trip to
Ireland.

After 2 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message over.
“Exuce me, ladies and gentleman. I’m afraid there is a deley in
our flight. One of our engines has broken down and we will be 1
hour late in Brisbane. Sorry for the inconviniance.”

After 2 1/2 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message
over. “Exuse me, ladies and gentleman. I’m afraid there is a
deley in our flight. The second of our engines has broken down
and we will be 2 ours late in Brisbane. I apologise for the
inconvinience.”

After 3 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message over.
“I beg your pardon, ladies and gentleman but I’m afraid there is
another dely in our flight to Brisbane. Our third engine has
broken down and we will be about 4 hours late to our destinatio.”

So by now everyone is really pissed and Tommy turns to Mark and
says, “If the last engine brakes down, we’ll be up her
forever!!!”

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Pope said he’s worried about the declining number of priests in the United States.

On the other hand, it shows that our justice system is working.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”