what does a screendoor and a blonde have in commin? The more you bang them the lose they get
Author: admin
The office happenings
Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.”My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.My Boss said to me ” What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: ” I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”HR Manager to job candidate “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”Quote from telephone inquiry “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.
Aussie Wankers
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn’t trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion. They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Dyslexics
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
Mowing
How do you know a Brigham Young student’s been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.
Man of the house
The husband had just finished his book, “Man of the house.”
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The funeral director.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?A: “You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Yo Mamma
your momma is so fat that when she sat on cloud skittles popped out!!
The nursing home.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart!”
Q: How many Californians
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: Five – one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
Vampire Blood Bath
Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city. One night, one said to a another, �I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.� �No don’t! We have to wait for the others!� �I don’t care.� And off he went.About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood. The other vampire bat asked, �WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?� �You really want to see?� asked the bloody one. �Follow me.�So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, �Do you see that building?� �Yes,� came the reply. To that the first says, �Well, I didn’t.�
Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel…
Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel discussion via the Internet as a
part of Cyberfest ’97. This was held at the University of Illinois at
Urbana, the “birthplace” of HAL.
At the conference, Clarke chose his preference for HAL’s first words:
“Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95
from my hard drive”