Author: admin

Wrong Diagnosis

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A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. “Prostrate trouble,” said the first doctor.

“Oh no, not at all. That’s a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one”, said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. “Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors,” said one, “and if you’ll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?”

“Well”, said the man, “all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.”

Girlfriend Software

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Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0…

– A “Don’t remind me again” button

– Minimize button

– Shutdown feature

– An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)

– “Abort” button (O.K. that one’s pretty bad – but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

The Laywer, the duck and the farmer

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A big city, Colorado, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

Headaches & Age

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Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”

“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

Un granjero decide renovar la

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Un granjero decide renovar la sangre de su gallinero y compra un gallo m�s joven. Cuando el gallo viejo ve que el joven se pasea por el gallinero, comienza a preocuparse.

Entonces se acerca al gallo joven y le dice: “De manera que t� eres nuevo por aqu�. �Crees que eres el m�s fuerte de la zona? Yo todav�a no estoy listo para el cuchillo y para demostrarte que todav�a soy m�s gallo que t�, te reto a una carrera alrededor del gallinero. Daremos 10 vueltas, y el que gane tendr� a todas las gallinas s�lo para �l.

El gallo joven acepta fanfarroneando: “Est� bien, y para que veas que soy mucho m�s fuerte que t�, te doy media vuelta de ventaja y a�n as� te ganar� f�cilmente”.

La carrera se inicia y las gallinas se colocan alrededor del gallinero para alentar a los gallos. Luego de la primera vuelta, el gallo viejo comienza a perder su ventaja. Al finalizar la quinta vuelta, el gallo viejo apenas est� enfrente del joven.

En ese momento el granjero oye el alboroto y sale de la casa con su escopeta creyendo que un zorro se ha metido al gallinero. Al acercarse, ve a los dos gallos corriendo alrededor del gallinero y ve al gallo joven persiguiendo al viejo.

Entonces, carga su escopeta, apunta… y de un disparo mata al gallo joven. Mientras se devuelve lentamente camino a la casa se dice a s� mismo:

“Qu� vaina m�s rara, �es el tercer gallo maric�n que compro este mes!”

Horny Young Man

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A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…”

Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”

Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”

Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

Last Buffalo

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An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.”Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.”The Chief asks for the bad news first.Scout says, “No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.”Chief asks for the worse news.Brave says, “Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by thethousands.”Finally the chief asks for the good news.The brave says, “Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.”