What do you call Bush voters who aren’t millionaires?
Suckers.
Author: admin
Headaches & Age
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”
“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.
“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”
When VW Rabbits first came
When VW Rabbits first came out, they still had a lot of “bug”s in them.
Good, Bad, Worse
Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.
Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You’re with her sister.
The Signalman
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: ‘What would you do if
you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same
track?’
Tom says: ‘I would switch one train to another track.’
‘What if the lever broke?’ asks the inspector.
‘Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there’, answers
Tom.
‘What if that had been struck by lightning?’ challenges the inspector.
‘Then,’ Tom continued, ‘I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the
next signal box.’
‘What if the phone was busy?’
‘In that case,’ Tom argued, ‘I’d run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station’.
‘What if that had been vandalized?’
‘Oh well,’ said Tom, ‘In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle
Leo’.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because he’s never seen a train crash.’
I like to go down
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.
Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone gives them that quaint American phrase,
‘You don’t know Jack Schitt.’
This is how to handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and 0. Schitt.
The fertilizer magnate married 0. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children, Holie Schitt, The twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
Noe later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ You can correct them.
Llega el enamorado a la
Llega el enamorado a la casa de la novia. La madre, de costumbres tradicionales, tej�a en la sala de su casa. En su habitaci�n, la enamorada terminaba de prepararse. Azucena era una perrita juguetona que le encantaba jugar debajo de una silla mecedora, precisamente la elegida por el enamorado para sentarse a esperar a la joven. El joven hab�a comido cosas que le ten�an la barriga llena de gases. Sin darse cuenta, uno de los gasesitos (muy maloliente) le traicion� y sali� de su cuerpo inadvertidamente. La se�ora al percibir el hedor exclama:
“�Azucena!”
Ante la situaci�n, el joven piensa:
“�Qu� bueno que la se�ora cree que fue la perrita!” Y aprovecha para soltar otro gas.
La se�ora repite �Azucena! por segunda, tercera, cuarta y hasta una quinta vez.
Sonriendo, el enamorado le dice a la se�ora:
“No se preocupe, se�ora, los perritos son almas inocentes. D�jela jugar debajo de la silla, no hay problema conmigo”.
“�Ay, se�or, si la dejo ah� usted me la va a matar a peos!”, responde angustiada la se�ora.
New Minister
There was a young man who had just complete his schooling to
become a minister. He had went back to his home town and went to
his pastor and ask if he could deliver the message that Sunday.
The minister agreed.
Sunday morning the young man went to his pastor and said he was
too nervous to preach. The priest took him in the kitchen and
pored him some clear whiskey. The man took a drink and refilled
his glass. The priest told him to take it out and set it on the
pulpet. It would calm his nerves and it was clear so the
congregation would think it was water.
The young man did exactly what the priest said. After the
service and everyone had left the young minister asked the
priest how he did. The priest said fine but we must get three
things straight. Mother Mary is not Big Mama. The Holy Ghost
isn’t the Spook from Hell And they crucified Jesus they didn’t
just nail his ass to a tree.
Honest Job Applicant
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”
The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
Penguins in their spare time
What do you call black and white and black and white and black
and white and black and white and back?
a penguin rolling down a hill.
what do you call something black and white and laughing?
The penguin standing at hte top of htis hill laughing at the
penguin rollign down.
Horny Young Man
A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…”
Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”
Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”
Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”