What’s grosser than gross?
When you dream about eating pudding, and you wake up with a spoon in your ass.
Author: admin
What’s black and brown and looks good on a…
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Rotwieler.
A short cut is the
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
Bar in Arkansas
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks
around and says: “You isn�t from around here, are yaw… where yaw from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa�.
The bartender asks, “What the’ hell you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist�.
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what the’ hell is a
taxidermist?”
The guy says “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one
of us!”
THE STUDENT’S ANSWER
The student – not necessarily a well-prepared student – sat in his life
science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again,
what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly,
he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
Clinton one-liner
“They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”
Kids Perspective
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said, “I have to sleep with Daddy.”
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”
Statistical one-liner
Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?A: It’s referred to as the log scale.
Sex Life in Years…
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified…”Only twenty years of normal sex life?” Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.”But, I don’t need twenty years, “protested the monkey.”Ten years is plenty for me.”Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other ten years?” The monkey graciously agreed.Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.Again, man spoke up, “can I have the other ten years?” The lion graciously agreed.Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, “can I have the other ten years?”And so, it all makes perfect sense now… Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Good driving
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?””No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk and stoned.”The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
7 Days To Go
Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. “Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how’s about a quick screw?” said Bert. Mabel’s answer as expected was, “No Bert, it’s only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.”
The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, “It is still 5 days to go and as you’ve been a good fellow,
I’ll let you have a little feel of your prize.”
It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, “I can see what your problem is but you’ve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.”
Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel’s skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, “Mabel, do you think it will keep ’till Saturday?!?”