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One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.
He was very furious and said, “Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!”
Yes Sir, Mr. President,” the interior decorator replies.
“I’ll take those mirrors out right away!”
An American tourist went to a restaurant in a Spanish town and asked for the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked ,what kind of meat the pot-pie contained?
The waiter replied, “They are, how you say, testicles of the bull killed in the Rincon today. We call them Cojones.”
The tourist found the dish delicious, and after some wine, decided he would come back within 2 days.
On his return, he asked for the same dish.
“But these Cajones are much smaller than the ones I had 2 days ago.” said the tourist.
“True, Senior, but the bull, he does not always lose.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
The student – not necessarily a well-prepared student – sat in his life
science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again,
what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly,
he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (“Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”
1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks,
“Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men and
women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your
permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women
always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have
sex?” “Of course!,” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah within
marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah!”
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”
“Doggy style?” “Sure! Another mitzvah!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”
“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?”
“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“NO, NO, NO!” cries the rabbi.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Could lead to dancing.”
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?””No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk and stoned.”The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lenny!Lenny who?Lenny in, I’m hungry!
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said, “I have to sleep with Daddy.”
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, it’s not life imprisonment!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A Sultan, whose loves grew so vastly,
Just couldn’t love any steadfastly.
Someone asked him in fun,
If he’d slept twice with one.
He replied, “Just the thought is most ghastly.”
how do you get a nigger out of a tree?
cut the rope.