David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, “How is your sex life?”
“I have a lot of issues with sex,” David replies.
“What kind of issues?” the therapist asks.
“Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse.”
Author: admin
Bakers,brown,buns
why were the bakers buns browne?
Because he needed a pooh and there was no toilet paper left!!
Son’s Prayers
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers “God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.”
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again “God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.”
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. “God
Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy.”
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife. “I am sorry Honey. I had a
very bad day at work today.” “You think you’ve had a bad day?
YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?”, the wife yelled, “The mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!”
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate,
stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,
protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,
forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept,
butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, loco mote, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain,
calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snooze, snuffle,
elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her
existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade,
flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rocking’ in
the free world, wet, slacken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start
again.
Ocean
your mumma so fat that when she went in the ocean the whale started singing “we are family”
Q: How many IBM
Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to turn on a light bulb?A: 33 – 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Iraqi Ladies
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”
The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I�m sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup.
Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.
Some favorite Redundancies
* added bonus
* exactly right
* closed fist
* future potential
* inner core
* money-back refund
* seeing the sights
* true fact
* revert back
* safe haven
* prior history
* young children
* time period
* sum total
* end result
* temper tantrum
* ferryboat
* free gift
* bare naked
* combined total
* unique individual
* potential hazard
* joint cooperation
* total abstinence
* subject matter
* honest truth
* join together
* general public
* harbinger of things to come
* new initiative
* audible gasp
* advance warning
* execution-style killing
* future plans
* gather together
* lag behind
* manual dexterity
* occasional irregularity
* outer rim
* plan ahead
* basic fundamentals
* first time ever
* personal friend
* shrug one’s shoulders
* bond together
* close proximity
* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)
* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)
* coequal
* common bond
* small minority
* serious crisis
* personal belongings
* security guard
* time clock
* foreign imports
* exact same
* continue on
* focus on
* convicted felon
* past experience
* consensus of opinion
* finished product
* schoolteacher
Two Nuns
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Redneck quickies 25
You might be a rednack if…
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You’ve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.
You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don’t think Jeff’s Foxworthy’s jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.
You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line “Shoes Optional”.
To the Highest Bidder
The preacher was most annoyed to find an elderly man falling asleep during his
sermon every Sunday. So, after service one day, he said to little Juan
accompaning him, “If you can keep your grandfather awake, I’ll pay you a
quarter.”
This worked for two weeks; the aged man was kept awake and listened
to the sermons very attentively. On the third Sunday, however, the preacher
observed that the old man had falled asleep again.
After the Mass, he called Juan and said, “I am very angry with you. Didn’t I
promise you a quarter a week to keep your grandfather awake?”
“Yes,” replied the boy, but grandpa gives me a dollar not to disturb him.”