Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
Author: admin
Dog star
Jerry is excited that he’s been hired to play his trumpet for a movie score.
After the sessions, which go beautifully, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product.
A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porn flick that will be out in a month.
A month later, Jerry, with his jacket collar up and wearing dark glasses, goes to see the film.
He sits in the back next to an elderly couple who also seem to be wearing disguises.
The movie starts, and it is the filthiest, most perverse porn flick ever, group sex, S&M, golden showers and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action.
The dog has sex with all the women and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.
The old woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, “That’s OK, we’re just here to see our dog.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
What’s a Blonde do after…
Q: What does a blonde do after waking up?
A1: Go Home.
A2: Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.
What’s a Jewish American Princess’s
What’s a Jewish American Princess’s idea of natural childbirth?
Absolutely no makeup.
Actual Q’s and A’s on Family Fued
Q: Something in the garden thats green?
A: A shed.
Q: Something that flies that doesnt have an engine?
A: A bicycle with wings.
Q: Something you could be allergic to?
A: Skiing.
Q: Name a famous brige?
A: The bridge over troubled water.
Q: Something a cat does?
A: Goes to the bathroom.
Q: Something you can do in the bathroom?
A: Decorate.
Q: Name an animal you might see at the zoo?
A: A dog.
Q: Something associated with cops?
A: Pigs.
Q: A sign of the zodiac?
A: April.
Q: Something slippery?
A: A con man.
Q: A kind of ache?
A: Fillet ‘O’ fish.
Q: A food that could be brown or white?
A: Potato.
Q: A potato topping?
A: Jam.
Q: Something with a hole in it?
A: A window.
Q: Non-living creature with legs?
A: Plant.
Q: A domestic animal?
A: Leopard.
Q: Part of the body that starts with “N”?
A: Knee.
Q: A way of cooking fish?
A: Cod.
Q: Something you open other than the door?
A: Your bowels.
Q: Name something a blind person might use?
A: A sword.
Q: Name a song with moon in the title?
A: Blue suade moon.
Q: Name a bird with a long neck?
A: Naomi Campell.
Q: Name a occupation that you might need a torch?
A: A burgler.
Q: Name a famous brother and sister?
A: Bonnie and clyde.
Q: Name a dangerous race?
A: The arabs.
Q: Name a item or clothing worn by the tree musketeers?
A: Horse.
Q: Name something that floats in the bath?
A: Water.
Q: Name something you wear at the beach?
A: A deck chair.
Q: Name something thats red?
A: A cardigan.
Q: Name a famous cowboy?
A: Buck rogers.
Q: Something you do before going to bed?
A: Sleep.
Q: Something you put on the walls?
A: Roofs.
and the best ever screw up on family fued is………
Q: Name a number you have to memorize?
A: 7.
Who let these people on the show??
It was too tight
Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.
Generous Donation
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi’s office and is offered a seat.”Rabbi, A member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutzberg, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?””Yes,” The Rabbi replies “As soon as I see him it will be.”
Some favorite Redundancies
* added bonus
* exactly right
* closed fist
* future potential
* inner core
* money-back refund
* seeing the sights
* true fact
* revert back
* safe haven
* prior history
* young children
* time period
* sum total
* end result
* temper tantrum
* ferryboat
* free gift
* bare naked
* combined total
* unique individual
* potential hazard
* joint cooperation
* total abstinence
* subject matter
* honest truth
* join together
* general public
* harbinger of things to come
* new initiative
* audible gasp
* advance warning
* execution-style killing
* future plans
* gather together
* lag behind
* manual dexterity
* occasional irregularity
* outer rim
* plan ahead
* basic fundamentals
* first time ever
* personal friend
* shrug one’s shoulders
* bond together
* close proximity
* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)
* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)
* coequal
* common bond
* small minority
* serious crisis
* personal belongings
* security guard
* time clock
* foreign imports
* exact same
* continue on
* focus on
* convicted felon
* past experience
* consensus of opinion
* finished product
* schoolteacher
Open 24 hours
A woman walks into a 24 hour convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?””Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?””Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”The manager shrugs, “Sorry.””Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.”Nope. Don’t have that.””My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the stinking store!”The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”
6 reasons for NOT being a penis
6. You live surrounded by nuts5. You have a head with no brains4. You have one eye that can’t see3. Your best friend is a pussy2. An asshole lives behind you1. They make you do pushups until you throw-up
Two Nuns
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Sex Issues
David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, “How is your sex life?”
“I have a lot of issues with sex,” David replies.
“What kind of issues?” the therapist asks.
“Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse.”