Items Needed:————-4 Oz. Fruit Bits1 Railroad TieWood SawLarge Rubber MallotSafety GogglesWEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don’t be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can’t break anything.For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!
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You might be a Republican if…
You’ve ever called education a luxury.
Manolo y Venancio entran al
Manolo y Venancio entran al cine a ver Apolo 13. En el momento crucial, el actor principal dice:
“Houston, tenemos un problema…”
Y Venancio le murmura a Manolo:
“�C�mo no van a tener un problema si viene piloteando Forrest Gump!”
Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twinkwho the hell you are I thinkI’m not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI’m just a little slort of sheepI’m not drunk like tinkle peepI don’t know who is me yetbut the drunker I stand herethe longer I getJust give me one more drinkto fill me cup’cuz I got all day soberto Sunday up.:-)
Grandma’s Visit
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”
People are scared to touch
People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
I Need a Drink
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”
Little Johnny goes to church
Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.
His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, “I was in church yesterday,
when a big fat lady sat in front of me.
When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn�t stand it
anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me”.
The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His
friends once again asked what happened. He told them,”I was in church yesterday,
when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she
once again had the huge
wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn�t like it out,
so I pushed it back in…”
Q: How many referral
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Slow Golf
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”
Mouse reunion
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.”It’s been a long time.” the first said. “How’s everything?” “Great!” the second replied. “I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research!”
The 11th Commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope, and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment. But the problem remained, exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right…”THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF.”